Happy new year

Hi everyone.

Last post of 2007.

I made it through alive.

I'm having a quiet evening in. Subjecting my long-suffering parents and kind brother with my presence.

To all of you who are not having a riotous new year party, I'm thinking of you.

Happy new year to everyone. Let's hope 2008 is better for everyone.

Love
AcidCat

Merry Xmas

Dear everyone.

Merry Xmas to you all.

Christmas. Overhyped. Expensive. Stressful. Boring. Depressing.

However, at christmas time, it's a time for family. A time for thinking of friends and the less material things. A chance for relaxation and boredom. A chance to stop and take stock of life and thinking about philosophy and the meaning of it all.

I do like it. Sod gifts. Be with people you love. Use it as a chance to tell people what they mean to you.

Good luck one and all with the Xmas period.

Love
AcidCat

Aargh!

Can't think.

Too many short thoughts.

• My boss is amazing. He spent (at a guess) around £200 on drinks for our group Xmas dinner.
• Some of my group are ungrateful bastards who complained that he didn't pay for dinner on top of that! He's not earning huge amounts either. He's one of the nicest, most interesting, fascinating, cool, intelligent, patient people in the universe and he's underappreciated.
  
• The group has moved on so quickly. I'm an outsider again. Another place I don't fit in.
• The friends I had in the group are still wonderful. One of them (Cap'n A) bought me a Secret Santa gift even though I wasn't in on it (as I was a last minute invite) so I wouldn't be left out.
  
• My family are awesome.
• Depression is really terrible. Mornings are like moving through treacle whilst being stabbed in the heart.
  
• Can't wait for my GP appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping that it'll all be alright in the end.
• I feel like I'm falling. I'm grabbing and scrabbling for a handhold, grasping at branches and straws, but each gives way from under me, not slowing my descent. When will some one catch me?

AcidCat

First interview

Had first med interview at QMB today. I turned up hideously early and ended up waiting around for ages.

Actual interview went well. The questions on the video consultation with the GP I think I noticed the things I was meant to. The general doctor questions went well too. The work experience section is my weakest so that went about as well as could be hoped.

I'm particularly pleased at how well that went bearing in mind I've been suffering from horrible depression for over a week now, and yesterday had the worst allergic reaction to some prawns where I got an all-over rash, diarrhoea, nausea and headache so wasn't the most ideal preparation. Coupled with the insomnia and all round things weren't ideal.

Things were helped by the wonderful support of my mum who's been looking after me for my current low and my lovely sister who came back to give me a pre-interview pep-talk and took me for dinner afterwards. I also met a fab fellow applicant on the tour afterwards, who was really lovely.

AcidCat

Rain down, rain down, come on rain down on me.

Depressed again.

Back on Prozac for the past 3 days. Not helping.

Feel like crying but I can't.

Stressed.

Can't work.

Busy.

Need to get this thesis done.

Got med school interviews, but don't know whether I should try and read medicine or not any more.

Don't know if that's just the depression talking, or reality.

Hate being miserable.

God I hate life.

AcidCat

Sunday Roast

Just some of my Sunday thoughts on Sunday roasts.

Roast chicken for a family:

• Gas 8 or 9 - 240 Celsius - 20 minutes
• Turn down to Gas 5 for 20-25 minutes
• Flip the chicken over
• Roast for further 20-30 minutes at Gas 5
• Take out, rest for 15-20 minutes before carving

Suggested marinade for roast chicken

• Zest of 1 lemon
• 1 tsp honey
• 1 sweated off onion and 4 cloves of chopped garlic
  
• Fresh herbs (thyme is good)
  
• Salt and pepper
  

Roast leg of lamb (family size)

• Brown off the lamb on a high heat in a skillet or heavy based frying pan
• Cook for 2 hours at 150 Celsius (Gas Mark 2 to 3), turning after two-thirds of time.
• Rest for 30 minutes (or ideally allow to cool in the oven with the door open for ages)

Suggested marinade for lamb

• Finely chop lots of garlic and rosemary. Add salt and crushed pepper (not too crushed).
• 1 tsp Marmite, splash of Worcester sauce, splash of balsamic vinegar
• Glug of olive oil
• Rub into lamb

Roast potatoes

• Parboil for 10 minutes. Ideally use floury potatoes, and leave unpeeled.
• Drain water, peel skins (if you want conventional potatoes. I personally leave them on)
• Add salt and pepper. Gently fluff the edges of the potatoes by shaking them gently in the pan.
  
• Heat skillet to smoking with oil. Fry potatoes lightly and quickly.
• Roast around the joint of meat.
  

Climate change

Damn that Stephen Fry.

He's summarised my frustrations about the nay-sayers in the global warming and climate change debate in his latest blessay - Getting Overheated (for the impatient, you can skip the first half of the blessay which is about inadvertantly irritating Terry Pratchett fans). Being erudite and articulate though, he manages to convey it in a persuasive and well thought out, reasoned manner.

This is someone who professes an ignorance in all areas scientific, whereas I have enough scientific background to find the whole thing terrifying (especially the inaction and indifference of so many people over this issue).

It makes me feel even more inadequate, even though he's a legend.

Dammit.

AcidCat

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

Pinched from scribd.

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.

2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time

3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.

4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.

5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.

6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.

7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.” They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.

8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.

9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.

10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.

11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.

12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.

13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.

14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “Fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.

15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.

16. Keep fit.

17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.

18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.

19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.

20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs.” They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.

21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.

22. Have and nurture friendships with women.

23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.

24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30's or older.

25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look.” Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.

26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.

28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.

29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

GAMSAT results...

They were published at midnight today...

I managed to get an overall mark of 80%. Very pleased with my science mark (95%!), relieved about my essay (64%, didn't know how well it went and not strong with writing).

Top 1%!

I'm likely to at least get an interview with the one GAMSAT uni I applied to...

To anyone who sat GAMSAT, I hope you got the marks you needed/wanted.

AcidCat

If they were me and I was you...

Thoughts for the day

• Even if you don't care about your birthday, it's really nice when people remember it (and think of you).
• Facebook birthday greetings aren't as good as those that have come from people who gave a damn and actually remembered, and didn't need telling by an automated computer program.
• The new Spice Girls song ("Headlines") is depressingly bad. This is coming from someone who loved their old stuff. The video is trashy. Geri, we get the picture - you're proud about being thin. Now put it away please. (And you looked better when you were curvy and voluptuous in the days of the Union flag dress anyway).
• It's pretty depressing when you read information that was available over a decade ago, which if you had found out about it a year or so ago would have made your life easier. My final year of practical work should have been easy. Damn.
• I'm employed as of January. I have to get a move on and write faster now...
  

AcidCat

Charity begins at home... Do it!

Hi everybody,

Today I came across a site called Project Download.

The gist is: A young woman has a serious debilitating and life-threatening illness. Being from the USA, she can't afford healthcare.

She's signed up to a scheme where she's paid $12, and if she can get a file downloaded 5 million times by the end of November, the company will pay her $10 000, which will go a way towards treatment.

I've downloaded the file (you can download once per computer per day), and checked it out. It's a tiny (3kb) text file, which is totally virus free (the content is just a blurb explaining the project again).

It won't cost you anything.

Please do it!

AcidCat

Compliments

Just been reading Stephen Fry's excellent blog (or blessay as each post is much more akin to an essay on a particular subject) and found a post on fame particularly interesting. It includes a section on aspects of his fame, and the section on receiving compliments struck a chord. I don't receive compliments often, but when I do, shyness and modesty make me contradict any compliments as I don't know how to accept them. Having read through his thoughtful essay I realise that it's completely the wrong thing to do. I've included the section below (without permission, but please don't sue me) as it really made me appreciate how wrong it is, and I'd better work at gracefully accepting the compliment.

AcidCat

Compliments
The entire interaction works better if there’s a little understanding on each side. You might be the fortieth person that day to approach your sleb. They might have just heard that their favourite aunt has been diagnosed with cancer. On the other hand, the famous person should remember that it takes courage to approach a stranger, especially one you’ve only seen on TV or at the movies. They could so easily squash you. Many newly made slebs fall down especially in the area of compliments. It’s perhaps a very English thing to find it hard to accept kind words about oneself. If anyone praised me in my early days as a comedy performer I would say, “Oh, nonsense. Shut up. No really, I was dreadful.” I remember going through this red-faced shuffle in the presence of the mighty John Cleese who upbraided me the moment we were alone.
‘You genuinely think you’re being polite and modest, don’t you?’
‘Well, you know …’
‘Don’t you see that when someone hears their compliments contradicted they naturally assume that you must think them a fool? Suppose you went up to a pianist after a recital and told him how much you had enjoyed his performance and he replied, “rubbish, I was awful!” You would go away thinking you were a poor judge of musicianship and that he thought you an idiot.’
‘Yes, but I can’t agree with someone if they praise me, that would sound so cocky. And anyway, suppose I do think I was awful?’ (which most of the time performers do think of themselves, of course.)
‘It’s so simple. You just say thank you. You just thank them. How hard is that?’
You must think me the completest kind of arse to have needed to be told how to take a compliment, but it was an important lesson that I (clearly) never forgot. So bound up with not wanting to look smug and pleased with ourselves are we that we forget how mortifying it is to have compliments thrown back in one’s face.

Lost in space without you

I'm feeling lost at the moment. I had quite a good weekend away in Oxford, and saw some lovely friends, but depression is hitting me quite hard, so I feel like I'm floating. Everything is really changing. One of my best friends (Pimp Daddy) in the group is leaving this week, there's a new intake of students. The dynamic is all mixed up.

I'm all confused so I'm going to bullet point to put my thoughts in order.

• I really relate to something Stephen Fry said when he talked about his manic depression in his documentary "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive".

Here is one of the most gifted, intelligent, witty polymaths who I really look up to and idolise, and he said something along the lines of "I'm a totally worthless bastard" when talking about how he felt in a bout of depression. He then said he tended to hide away until it passed if he could.

Now I don't really have the arrogance or belief to even begin to compare myself against such a titan, but I feel exactly the same way. I don't know how I'm going to achieve anything worthwhile, and feel like my life is slipping me by. I'd love to hide away and hibernate, but I don't have time to and that's giving me huge stress and guilt.

• I got an interview for a temporary chemical research job.
  

Now this should be a good thing, especially as I looked at my CV and research summary I sent them at the time and thought that it looked pathetic. However, I'm due to go there on Monday and give a talk I haven't written and answer questions I feel I won't know the answers to. My wonderful boss and the great friend who's leaving both gave me pep talks and gave me as much help as they could, but I'm wondering who I'm kidding. I don't feel employable, short of dead end pointless jobs like burger-flipping, or lab tech positions I'd be overqualified for.

• I'm starting to get cold feet about applying for medicine.

Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I just doing it to delay getting a job that I don't think I'm capable of getting? Am I good enough to manage it? Am I just looking at the glamorous aspects of it? I'm so scared.

• Will I ever get this thesis finished? And pass? Will I let my boss down?

I'm spending far too much time procrastinating, and I just feel so dumb.

All of these bullets so far seem to be all related to this depression and the niggling self-doubt that reigns. I'm desperately trying to overcome them, and writing this all down have helped make them seem like smaller issues, but it isn't easy. Tomorrow will be a new start.

• I have some great friends

The first optimistic bullet. My amazing boss who gave me a hell of a pep talk about jobs, thesis, me and is an amazingly nice guy. Pimp Daddy (off to great things at a chemical company) gave me so much support over his time in the lab and who frequently bent over backwards to help me. RingLeader who is one of few people who I feel actually is pleased to see me when I turn up. The wonderful girls I've talked about in the past who keep picking me up and putting me back on my feet without even knowing it. Sometimes it's just an email or a lovely comment, but it can mean everything. The Crazy Italian who has an image of me that I can't live up to, but it's still flattering.

Only downside is that I'm not worthy of these people (or maybe that's the depression talking). I was talking to someone this weekend and commenting about how it felt when you have erudite and witty friends and all their tales are exciting and your topics or way of telling the stories just doesn't match up.

Also most of my other friends don't really care about me. They're good people, but I only rate one iota higher than acquaintances to most of them.

• I have an amazing family

They are all fab, but this weekend my brother and sister in particular showed they'd bend over backwards to help me and they care about me and that counts for a hell of a lot in this world and in my mind. I would go through fire to help these people. Literally if I had to.

• Tai Chi people are nice

I wonder if it's coincidence, or it's just the people, or it's my view, but the people doing Tai Chi at Oxford just seem really nice, and some of them I'd only known for minutes, but the talking at the pub seemed to flow much easier than with most people. There was no hostility or one-upmanship, it was just friendly banter. I wonder if it's because it's a pretty peaceful non-competitive discipline which is partly spiritual.

I don't think it's just me, because I wasn't so receptive to all the new people I met at my work place. Our new PhD student is amazingly lovely, she's so kind and she's a very welcome addition to the group and I'm just sad I haven't had the chance to get to know her better. The new undergraduates didn't do as much for me as the Tai Chi peeps though. The Crazy Italian had managed to suss that out faster than me. RingLeader's new protege did make me laugh though, he's either going to drive Ringleader mad or become his best friend.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'm feeling a bit better for all this so I'm off to bed happier.

Goodnight all!

AcidCat

It's a cold and it's a lonely Hallelujah

I sent an email to a friend asking for her advice. It's an area of expertise for her so she was the logical person to ask. She's a wonderful person who helped me a year ago.

She sent me back a really helpful email, which gave me lots of helpful hints.

Problem is, I've spent the last age just Googling her name in a disturbing stalkerish way. Luckily it's not "Jane Smith", and it only came up with about 5 pages of results, but I didn't realise quite how she affects me. I don't stand a chance with her (story of my life), but it blows a hole through my delusion that I'm going to be satisfied with living my life alone and devoting myself to intellectual pursuits. I'd love to have her as part of my life. She's so fun and wonderful.

Never mind, I'm going to have a fun weekend away from the old thesis. I've got a new exciting phone on a very cheap contract (it's amazing how much of an improved offer you get when you're in the process of ending your contract - I got a 75% reduction on mine) and it's currently charging. It's a swish Sony Walkman w610i phone (it's probably old hat, but bearing in mind it's free and I'm paying virtually nothing for my contract, I'm very happy with it) and am looking forward to playing around with it tomorrow!

It's going to be a great weekend!

AcidCat

PS Good luck England in the rugby world cup final! I've never been much of a rugby fan (bad experience at school and I never really understood the game). I never even watched the 2003 world cup victory. However, my brother tried to get me interested in the game and we watched the semi-final against France last weekend (which the French seemed to dominate in my view, and the final few minutes of injury time showed how exciting the French were and it was a nail-biter) which I enjoyed. I also love a few things about rugby over my preferred football (the players seem nicer, they give the ref respect, and the fans are much better, cultured, sportsmanlike and less hooligan like) so I might even deign to watch the final. I wish I liked rugby more; if the head ruled the heart I'd admit it's better than football in many ways, but I've enjoyed playing football so it's king for me.

PPS I've managed to keep on top of the depression so far... Winter is drawing in though...

Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)

The song "Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann (of Moulin Rouge, Romeo and Juliet and Strictly Ballroom fame) makes me feel sad, hopeful, happy, grounded.

A wonderful song.

It's based on an article by Mary Schmich from the Chicago Tribune.

Uplifting words and song.

AcidCat


Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted On The Young

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

• Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
• Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
• Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
• Do one thing every day that scares you.
• Sing.
• Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
• Floss.
• Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
• Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
• Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
• Stretch.
• Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
• Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
• Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
• Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
• Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
• Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
• Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
• Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
• Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
• Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
• Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
• Travel.
• Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
• Respect your elders.
• Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
• Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
• Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

--Mary Schmich

Battle it

"To know that one life has breathed easier because I have lived: this is to have succeeded."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm really in trouble. I'm really depressed. Fighting it is so damn hard. It's such a struggle to do anything, just the motivation to get up needs a battle every morning.

Need to stay focussed. Find glimmers of hope and perspective. I get mood swings so frequently. I can feel useless, and within hours have the resolve to achieve, then be back to futility.

I must keep going, but it feels so hard. I feel so alone.

I wish I had Faith, but I tried and I don't think I can Believe.

I finally understand the cliche that "everyone needs something to believe in".

I've got to do it.


AcidCat

No Happy Ending

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walking around
If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

-- Mika - Happy Ending

I've been depressed for the past few days and it's so frustrating. I can't get out of bed, I'm procrastinating worse than normal. It's time to hunt down the last few tabs of Prozac, I really need them.

Hoping for a better tomorrow

AcidCat

PS This Mika video really is worth seeing. I didn't like it at first (or the song) but give it a chance. It actually speaks to me so strongly, the words and tune are beautiful and actually have meaning but yet is catchy. The video makes me feel like there's hope. I need a balloon to lift me up to space, to float with the clouds and give me freedom.

Freedom from stress.
Freedom from sorrow.
Freedom from myself.

Guide to GAMSAT

Venue - RHS horticultural hall in London

These are some of the things I would have liked to know about GAMSAT before sitting it.

You get summoned to turn up at 8:00am, and are told that it’s important that all candidates attend at this time. The first thing on the itinerary was “candidates must be sat down for the first exam” at 9:15am. The GAMSAT review said that the gap was for you to register, which takes about one minute, and then just waiting around time. I thought this was likely, but bearing in mind the importance of this exam, I decided to email GAMSAT UK and check. The reply said:

“Candidates are strongly advised to report at 8a.m. as it takes about an hour to get all candidates settled in before the exam starts at 9a.m.”

So I did turn up at 8:00am and sure enough, the time was mostly spent waiting around and queuing. It was a hell of a shock seeing the queue outside… I wasn’t aware the scale of it all; the queue stretched halfway along the street. It was like the queue for a concert. Also sure enough, there was no real point turning up so early. Most of the time was spent loitering around outside, with the invigilators asking for people with surnames "A to D", "A to K", "A to F" (yes it did go backwards several times) to come forwards. If I have to do it again, I'll turn up around 8:30 to 8:45, which is roughly when I managed to get in anyway.

When I finally got in (surname beginning with T), the invigilators examined my passport and entry ticket, gave me an exam slip, and sent me to check my bag. The cloakroom didn't have lockers, and was unstaffed and unattended, so wasn't secure and was a complete crush to get to and from. It was chaos.

When we sat down for exams at 9:15, we ended up waiting around until 9:30, which was the real start time. The hall was huge, having about 800 desks. I was slightly surprised to see quite a few empty places for people who had booked and not turned up. With the price of the exams, even if you don't feel ready, it's got to be worth going just for the practice.

The invigilators did a good job of explaining everything and trying to ensure everything went smoothly. Although the instructions for the day that were sent out to the candidates spelt out explicitly that "No food was allowed in the exam hall, including sweets unless there was proof of medical need" (presumably for diabetics), the invigilators said that they wanted all the sweets unwrapped before the exam started so the rustling didn't disturb anyone. Desks had to be clear of everything except stationery (pencils, erasers, sharpeners for first and third exams, pens for second, rulers and non-programmable calculators for third and foreign dictionaries if required for first and second), identity documents and exam tickets. They did occasionally announce the amount of time remaining, but they didn't warn when the time was low (eg 5 or 10 minutes to go). They had clocks on most pillars, but as they were held on by masking tape, one smashed spectacularly during the first exam, after which they were sat on chairs.

Another thing not mentioned in the practice material, but I found out in web forums before the day: you get reading time. During this time, you're not allowed to write anything, but you can scan the paper to check you have got a complete exam and to start reading. For sections 1 and 3, you get 10 minutes, for section 2 you get 5 minutes for both essays.

Section 1:
For me, Section 1 was far harder than anything I did in terms of practice questions. With the practice material I never ran out of time, whereas on the day, I ended up having to guess heavily, especially on the poetry.

Between section 1 and section 2 there was a 20 minute break to use the toilets, go to your bag to get a snack etc. The chaos with the cloakroom in the morning was nothing compared to that of the toilets. There was a huge cascade of people rushing to the toilet, so the queue was long. It soon became clear that the ladies were faring even worse, as they started joining the queue for the gents. The take up for urinal use seemed to drop after this happened, and despite this, it took a long time for it all to subside. I think we fell behind schedule after this.

Section 2:
The essay questions were given in a two separate booklets; one for each essay. The question booklet had a few blank pages for essay plans and rough work,

• Reading time - 10 minutes for sections 1 and 3, 5 minutes for section 2
• No rough paper. Working is done in the question book

Lunchtime: huge queue for food, queue for loos is fine. Lunch was a prepacked sandwich (cheese or chicken), packet of crisps, Mars bar and a bottle of water. The inside is packed, the nearby streets are covered by a sprawl of people, so all the doorsteps were covered with stressed looking youths (and not-so-youths) chatting or cramming for the final exam.

Big queues for the loo again towards end of lunch... go early!

Section 3:
The three hour marathon. Exhausting. Not much to be added here, except do remember to bring a calculator (I had to lend one to a guy in front... I thought as I was paranoid and brought three, I could share the love around).

Between the caffeine and energy drinks, and 3 hours of sitting still I had to use the loo partway through. Although you have someone following you there, you don't lose much time.

The invigilators were great and did their utmost to help. The organisation could have been better, and ACER lie to you (trust the forums, NewMediaMedicine info was much more accurate than the ACER info).

The results were published midnight 14/15 November. You use your candidate number and email address to retrieve it from a web site. I got an overall mark of 80, which should be enough for an interview (touch wood).

Any questions??

AcidCat

100th post!

Hi everybody!

I've finally hit my hundredth post! If I'd managed to stick to the post every day idea I would've managed this by April, but never mind!

I'm quite pleased I stuck it out so far. Not as often as I'd like to, or particularly interesting posts, but good enough for my self-indulgence.

I finally sat GAMSAT last Friday. It didn't go badly or brilliantly.

The first section about reading comprehension was so difficult. The practice papers led me to believe that I'd do reasonably well. In the real exam I ran out of time, didn't understand the poems, and had to guess a hell of a lot of the answers. This was my nightmare section which I might have blown.

The essay section wasn't pleasant, but was not much different than normal. If any of my practice essays were good enough I'm sure these will have been.

The science section was reasonably easy for me. There were quite a few questions on organic chemistry which helped, but a few biology and physics ones which I flunked so had to resort to guesswork.

Overall, as long as I did ok on section 1, I think (hope) I did well enough to get an interview, but we'll just have to wait and see. Fingers crossed, and apparently a 6-8 week wait...

I'll post a bit more about GAMSAT in general soon.

Love
AcidCat

Avast me hearties!

Ahoy... It be Talk like a pirate day today!

Swash your buckles, lubber and drink up your grog!

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me

Cap'n AcidCat

Only the good die young

Hi kids

Anniversaries at the moment. It's the sixth anniversary of the September 11 attack on the World Trade Centre. My heart still goes out to anyone who suffered and who is still suffering, including families with a missing gap. I'm really sorry you got caught up in a meaningless clash of ideologies that no-one sane actually cares about. I think the terrorists are evil, and should sort out the problems with themselves and in their own communities, and the American administration who used it as an excuse to invade Iraq despite having no evidence linking the two (except for the oil) should be ashamed of themselves, and disgust me.

To trivialise the matter completely, it's just over the first anniversary of my heart being ripped out and destroyed thoroughly. It felt like the world had ended for me, and in some ways it nearly did. It's taken me a damn long time to get better, and I'm still not where I want to be. I know I'm a hell of a lot better than I was though, as I only noticed the anniversary days after the event. Just after the event, I knew how many days since, and how I was going to fix it all, and be happy again.

It didn't work.

Movies and TV lie.

I should have known that. I just had a feeling that I was special, and life would be just like the movies. You know, problems hit, but then there's a big set piece where heaven and earth get moved, there's a last gasp chase and everything is better, and life is good.

Sometimes, heaven and earth get moved, there's a last gasp chase and things still go to shit.

Never mind. I'm starting to get over it.

Onwards and upwards

AcidCat

Sadness/Depression

I saw this secret on the LiveJournal Secret site, and I thought it pretty much summed up the difference between depression and sadness perfectly.



By the way, I'm not feeling depressed right now. It tends to come and go, when stress hits it tends to come like a wave. Not ideal bearing in mind I'm currently trying to write a PhD thesis, apply for med school, take med school exams, learn to write essays again and re-learn science for aforementioned med school exams, get work experience for med school, write my application for med school, get a job for the interim period (assuming I get accepted for med school)...

AcidCat

Everyone loves Chris

• Ginger Chris reminds me of Jamie Oliver - Mockney, scruffy, but a good guy
• Crazy Chris channels Steve Irwin - Outgoing, loud, fun, the life and soul of the party.
• Creepy Chris is Alan Partridge - Mostly well meaning, but not aware of his geekiness or how other people view him.
  

I guess now it's time, that you came back for good.

PS. I've had intermittent problems with aches in my lower back for years. Recently, I changed the chair I've been slouched in for hours a day writing this thesis for a proper office chair with back support. I also started doing the "8 minute abs" exercise routine (almost) everyday, wondering if my core muscles were just generally too weak, and that made my back muscles constantly have pain.

My back has felt brilliant for a few weeks now. I've been doing the exercises for over a month, and recently I haven't had any back problems whatsoever. I don't know if it's actually strengthening my core muscles, or doing the exercises gets the muscles or joints moving every day, but it's helped so much. If you suffer from back pain or aches, I'd strongly recommend it. I don't have beautiful 6 pack abs, but that's down to a layer of fat covering them, and there's no such thing as spot reduction, so unless I lose weight, it'll never happen.

Anyway, if you have back problems and fancy trying it, I bought my new office chair from ebuyer.

The "8 minute abs" video is available on YouTube (just do a search for it). If you're interested, there's also an 8 minute arms, buns, and legs in the range, all with very cheesy 80s music and a way too enthusiastic instructor.

AcidCat

Nothing really happens... nothing happens at all.

Hi everybody,
I don't really have anything much to say today, but as I haven't updated for a while, and have a spare moment, I thought I'd put something down.

I've got a first draft of a chapter done! Yay!

We're about to hit September, and the month of scariness. Entrance exams, UCAS, panic. Not so yay...

I'm off to visit the lab tomorrow, do some work, visit my northern Geordie friend who's coming down to visit for lunch on Saturday.

That's all I have to say really.

Love
AcidCat

Things to bring to Swiss friends who have lived in the UK

Things to bring to Swiss friends who have lived in the UK
Jaffa cakes
Crisps (especially McCoy Salt and Vinegar)
PJ Strawberry and Banana smoothie
English ale

Things proper UK expats seem to crave
English tea
Marmite
Cadbury's Dairy Milk/Green and Blacks chocolate
Crisps
English cheese (normally cheddar)
Sometimes Ribena
Beer

One blessing, two blessings...

Hi guys,

Ok, about a week since my last post. I'm feeling a bit better than I was, as I'm only suffering from moments of depression. However, I'm still not doing brilliantly. I think it's mainly due to stress with this med application, work experience, exam I'm meant to be learning stuff for, and thesis to write. It's all taking over and none of it's easy. I feel like I'm drowning under all this stuff, and this loss of control is causing my panic and distress.

Last week I also met up with my school friends or "geek clique" as we were referred to. A civilised, quiet evening down the pub catalysed by the summer return of a friend who has moved down to the seaside, and was back to see his folks. It was fun, and good to see them again, but again, it saddened me that I realised that I was boring compared to the others, and I felt like I hadn't achieved much compared to many of them. Out of the four friends who came, two were in relationships (one of whom was about to buy a house together with his squeeze), one of them owned his house outright with virtually no mortgage, all of them had jobs at which they seemed to be having a good time, and they all seemed to have more or closer friends than me. Two of the four are best mates, and their closeness is something I'm deeply envious of. And we got a phone call from an absent friend saying he was about to propose to his girl. Not a cheery night in some ways.

However, it was lovely to see them, as I think all of them are really great people. One also really took it on himself to help me sort out some of my med problems, so he's reading through my med application, and trying to help me sort out some work experience to make my application much better: "Alexander", I love you, you're the best. He even sorted out a clubbing trip (my first in years) earlier this week, which was fun. It was good to shake out the old legs, and fun to do some dancing. The highlight of the clubbing evening for me was seeing a guy who was a good dancer (urban/hip hop styles), who I was admiring his moves give me respect for my dancing. I loved that moment.

Another blessing to count, was one half of a couple who I knew from uni, who helped me in my darkest time of need rang me last weekend for a chat. I sent the couple a little card to thank them, and despite her extremely busy schedule, rang me and spoke to me for an hour. It was lovely to catch up, and hopefully we'll meet up again soon.

Ok, off to bed, tomorrow we work harder.

Love
AcidCat

Come on Fluoxetine

Hi everyone.
I'm really depressed today. I don't think there's any real reason for it other than the usual, except I'm really stressed out at the moment, both with work and stress about my med school application. Also it's around a year since it all went pear shaped with The One Who Got Away and I've been dreaming about her every night recently. I started taking fluoxetine this morning as I've got some leftovers, and I'm hoping this feeling ends soon as I can't cope with it. I'm not able to take affirmative action to reduce this stress which is making me more stressed. Life sucks at the moment. It would be much easier if I wasn't alive.

AcidCat

Wonderful Weekend

Hi everybody!

I had a lovely and rather busy weekend. My brother came back to visit and he's busy for the next 4 weekends so it may be a while before I see him again.

I made risotto with fennel we grew and dried ceps I got from my last jaunt in Switzerland. I got carried away and added bacon, chicken, onions, garlic, chestnut mushrooms (and obviously arborio rice). It tasted really nice, but apparently could have done with sweetcorn (which I had thought of, but had decided to avoid as I had already added loads of other stuff, so didn't want to go overboard).

For dessert, I made Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's Flour-free Chocolate Chestnut cake. It was ok, but far too gooey and unsurprisingly, not very cake like. It was more like a gooey brownie. It later transpired that it's a cake that isn't best eaten fresh out of the oven like we generally like it, it's much nicer after it's been allowed to cool down and set, where it becomes a sweet, rich treat. Well worth a go if you're a chocoholic!

We had arranged to have a little trip out to London on the Saturday. My sister had arranged for her and me to go to the Star Wars Exhibition, and as we were going out, my brother and mum came along to have lunch with us, and go to the Science Museum. Fortunately the weather was glorious and sunny, so the tube journey seemed promising.

We decided to try the S&M cafe; a reasonably famous London cafe specialising in sausages and mash. I was looking forwards to it, enjoying Oxford's "The Big Bang", a tasty budget restaurant with good quality local ingredients.

On arriving to the S&M cafe at around 1pm, it was reasonably empty. The server sat us down and started nagging us rapidly for our orders. Three of us had sausage and mash, and my sister had a sausage Caesar salad.

When the food finally arrived, they'd got the orders wrong. Only in a minor way, I had asked for the spring onion mash, and they brought a plain one. I couldn't be bothered to mention it, so dug in. The food was a real disappointment. They sold their sausages as "prime rare-breed saddleback sausages". Their "original sausages" tasted cheap and nasty, like a bottom of the range economy sausage, the type that would make Turkey twizzlers seem like a welcome improvement. The Steak sausages or hickory smoked were no better. You could tell they were different, but if you didn't know what they were meant to be, you had no chance of guessing what they were. The portion size was small, and the mash was watery and mediocre. The sausage Caesar salad was no better. The lettuce was fine, but the croutons were soggy and disgusting, and the cheese vegetarian sausage was gritty and tasted only of rusk. It wasn't very expensive, but I think £8.50 was expensive for the appalling quality of the food. It was rounded off, by the staff snatching the plates away, and delivering the bill without being asked for it. It wasn't even as if the place was full, there were empty tables galore. In case you want to avoid it, we went to the branch in Angel, which has many other places nearby which are significantly better, including Rico Rodrigo and many of the pubs. I understand the name, it was the culinary equivalent of being chained up, whipped, and then being asked to pay for it. And for that I'd rather go to Soho.

The Star Wars exhibition was a bit of a disappointment too. For £16.50, it was overpriced, small, and had far too much about the poor episodes I, II and III, and too little on the original classic movies. There wasn't even a model of an X-wing or Y-wing. The whole thing smacked of a money making exercise. The lighting seemed determined to prevent you from getting good photos while there, forcing you to pay £5 to have an official photo taken with R2-D2, or £8 to take home a souvenir DVD of a green screen battle with a "Jedi". I was pretty disappointed.

However, I had a great weekend. Not that I enjoy being disappointed, or enjoy moaning about being disappointed. It was so good to be out and having fun with family. It emphasised to me that it doesn't matter what you're doing, just who you're doing it with. Trite and cliched but true.

And on that note, good night all.

AcidCat

Baby, it's cold outside

Hi everybody!
I've spent the past few days in the beautiful city of Oxford, both seeing friends and also trying to do some work that I couldn't do from home.

It's a beautiful, amazing place, and it feels like home. I've got lots of very happy memories there. It was still very flooded. Port Meadow looked like a big lake.

The highlight of the weekend was the Sunday, where I met up with a friend from university. She is so incredibly wonderful; kind, fun, optimistic, smily! She really brightens up my life. I'm in love. Problem is: we're in completely different places, both geographically and in where we're going in life. Also as a minor problem, she's out of my league as she's so brilliant. It doesn't stop me from daydreaming though, and I love being in her company as a friend. I really want her to be happy, for someone so great, I think she's slightly troubled. I can't stop thinking about her.

It was nice to catch up with my other friends too. Interesting gossip in the "who fancies who" and "who's pissing off who" (I'm sure Ringleader would insist I mean "whom").

On a work front, semi-productive, but I hate writing, and get easily distracted. My wonderful boss gave me a pep talk, and bought the group ice-cream. It was very flattering when he said I came up with a good idea! Yay!

I tried to sleep in the lab for two of the three nights I was there. The first of the two wasn't too bad, as I was out partying with a friend who was leaving till 3 am, in the Purple Turtle (horrible tiny club that I used to love as an undergraduate, I now realise was due to very low standards). A little drinkie (a honey based spirit, I forget the name), ensured the first night in the lab was fine.

However, the final night I spent in the lab was terrible. It was a night I didn't plan on spending in the lab, but things overran (partly as I'm a bit gullible and believed my boss who said an experiment would last an hour: 11 hours later, and it was still a long way off completion- it required 20) so I ended up staying there, without a change of clothes. It was so incredibly freezing cold as the heating had packed in. The lights kept coming on and waking me, as they are all on motion sensors for environmental reasons (I normally approve). I had one of the worst nights sleep ever! I kept waking for cold and light. I slept in two T-shirts, a leather jacket, and a towel wrapped round me. I was even thinking of wearing a lab coat and academic gown for warmth, but then realised that was excessive, and didn't fancy the prospect of someone stumbling over me and asking the inevitable - "What the hell...?". In addition, sleeping sitting up or on a hard floor are not the two most luxurious manners of getting shuteye...

It was still a good weekend though. Just a few hours in her company...!

Good night and love to you all

AcidCat

Thesis driving me crazy

Hi everybody!

I'm still here and still stuck in front of a computer failing to do enough work. I hate staring at the blank page. The hardest bit is starting. Once I've started to flow, it isn't so bad. I've done the easy, mindnumbingly boring technical bit, and have just started to have to write in earnest. Have done about a page. One down, about 200 to go.

Anyway, the floods have subsided enough for me to go to Oxford now. I'm very excited, partly because I get a chance to do something that isn't thesis writing, and partly because although it's partly a work trip, I'll still get to see friends, one in particular I haven't seen in over 6 months, and is one of the nicest girls I've ever known. She's so kind and nice and she helped rescue me from my deep depression. We're doing lunch with some other friends on Sunday, so that'll be fun.

If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of.
--Bruce Lee

Let's get going!

AcidCat

Thesis boredom.

Hi everybody!
Sorry for the hiatus. I've been trying so hard to write this thesis, and the time I'm most productive is in the evenings, and that's also when I tend to write updates for this blog.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say anyway. When you're chained to the computer, staring at a blank screen all day, day after day, and you don't do much else, you don't have tales of daring, dragons slain, foes vanquished. I do have tales of a stiff back, a numb posterior, mind numbing boredom and work avoidance. The thesis is coming along very slowly. I'm developing sore, square eyes. I have no idea how computer programmers cope with staring at a screen all day every day. I assume they go home and avoid TVs and computers like the plague (Actually having met a few, they go straight back onto the computer as soon as they can, and play World of Warcraft allowing them to slay dragons and vanquish foes).

My main avoidance technique at the moment is YouTube. I'm not exactly one with his finger on the pulse, but I'm enjoying listening to music videos while I work and also quite a few cool covers.

Better get back to work...

see ya!

AcidCat

Beautiful

Everyday is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain,
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful, no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down,
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends: you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness,
The piece is gone,
Left the puzzle undone,
Ain't that the way it is?

You are beautiful, no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down,
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring you down, oh no,
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do 
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go
The sun will always shine
But tomorrow we might awake
On the other side

'Cause we are beautiful,
No matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down,
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today 
--Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Lost

Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

- Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

--------------------------------------------------------


I feel so lost and scared. I might need be coming off the Prozac faster than I should be. I woke up this morning feeling lonelier and despairing than I have in a while. I'm struggling to concentrate on the work, and I don't know what the future holds.

I don't think anyone outside my immediate family cares about me.

On the plus side, my immediate family cares about me.

Back to that thesis...

AcidCat

Guess who's back, back again!

Hi everyone!

Welcome back! This whole hiatus is coming to an end (hopefully). Six posts in April, one post in May, none in June... poor show! I plead long work hours, endless stress, and fatigue and stress! I never knew I could work so hard or such long hours. I've done 14 to 16 hours a day, seven days a week, for several weeks. It's absolutely knackering, but it feels very virtuous. However, when I finally finished, I've spent a lot of time catching up on lost sleep.

Some of the things that have happened in the huge gap in posting properly:

• I've got addicted to LJ Secret. It's a bit like PostSecret, but updated most days and has an archive of old secrets. The quality control isn't as good, but it's still often touching.
• I decided I like all of my labmates, even JizzNut.
  
• I realise I am worth something. Friends genuinely seemed upset and saddened at my leaving, and were keen on me returning to visit.
• I realise I might be quite good at what I do. I thought I wasn't good as my studies have been pretty unsuccessful by results. However, my wonderful boss, and several of my labmates and other friends have said I'm very good at my job, and have been often nagging me to reconsider my plans to swap tostudying medicine when I finish my studies. I'm starting to consider it... I'm scared though. I've got one life, and not got enough time to both stay in the lab and do the new med school route. I'm worried about ending up in my forties and deciding I cocked up. I don't want to end up thinking "What if?" (which is a major reason for my "say yes" resolution).
• I've given up on saying "yes" blindly. It happened for a variety of reasons. I had built in a hell of a lot of exceptions already, mainly when people asked me for advice in the lab, and had I said yes to all of the questions, there WOULD have been explosions. However, also when I had a deadline to make, I realised that saying "yes" ate into my time heavily. Also it's expensive. However, I still believe in saying "yes" where possible, and hope to do more after I finish my studies... It's fun, and makes you more positive
• I'm weaning off the Prozac. Oh Fluoxetine, we do love you. My mood has been on an upward curve, and I'm starting to get over the depression (I still think of her everyday with sadness though). However, I started weaning off as I ran out of tablets and didn't have enough time to see the doctor for more, so had to stretch them out. Then at my consult, the wonderful, caring Dr. Ketan Bhatt suggested I wean off them. I'm due to try and get off them within a month... Wish me luck!
  

I'm scared by this whole thesis writing. I've got to try and do this, apply for med school, do the exams, all by October.

I don't know if I can do it.

I wonder if I've managed to blag being intelligent to other people, and whether I'll end up being found out. In the worst possible way.

I'm scared.

See you all soon

AcidCat

Hiatus

Sorry I was late (by about a month). I've been busy. I've been doing 7 day weeks and 12-16 hour days, so haven't really had time to write any blog entries. Not that anyone is really missing them, as I think I'm shouting into an empty room here.

Anyway, here is a brief highlight of some of the things I've been doing in the past month.

1) I went to Switzerland to visit a few friends of mine who are currently living in Zurich. Switzerland is fantastic. The views are beautiful, the chocolate is cheap and gorgeous

2) I've worked my ass off and almost got a few results. Hopefully more to come soon.

3) Amusingly, while cycling home from work at around midnight, a chav in a souped up blingmobile challenged me to a drag race. I think I lost, but then again, I did start the drag race by pulling into the kerb as soon as the lights hit green.

4) The following week, cycling home from work at a similar time, a skateboarder started racing me, without saying anything. I thought I might have a chance with this one. When he decided to jump a cobblestoned driveway, the skateboard flew out from under him, and he ended up on his ass, looking somewhat embarassed. I compounded it by smiling sweetly as if I hadn't noticed him racing me, and asking if he was ok.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep as I'm exhausted!

I'll try and post again, but there may be another few hiatuses until I get more work done...

Love
AcidCat

End of weekend

Lack of updates again. I've been really busy at the lab for the week, and panicky as the time to finish is drawing near. This weekend I spent the Saturday at the lab, and went to see the London Philharmonic with my brother.

I did another stint of volunteering, and it is a lovely feeling to make people happier, and see the gratitude.

Anyway, have to do a lot of work this week, so updates may be thin on the ground this next fortnight.

AcidCat

New

Now Lent is over, I have decided that it's time to stop trying to say yes to everything. I have been failing at it anyway, but I've been saying yes to most things. I've found it useful, and it has been very good for me. However, saying yes to everything ends up being very expensive, and tiring. Also, if you're a very occasional drinker (to the point where most of the time you're teetotal) in a group of university students, people try and get you to drink on a regular basis, so saying yes would have destroyed my liver by now.

I really would recommend saying yes to anyone. It makes life very different. I just feel that it's like removing your stabilisers/training wheels when you've progressed beyond them and are capable of cycling. I will say yes as often as possible, but be selective. Saying yes is true positive thinking.

So a new start, to go with a new restart with the lab coming back from holiday today. One day in, and it feels as if they've been back for ages.

AcidCat

Happy Easter

Hi everyone,

I took a bit of a break from blogging for Easter. I hope you all had a lovely time and holidays.

Just to recap, I spent most of the days still working at the lab. I was in the pretty deserted lab on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, trying to desperately get as many results as possible. I enjoyed the sun by feeding ducks in the park at lunchtime on Friday, which was very relaxing and fun.

Over the past weekend, I ate in McDonalds more time than I had in the previous three years (or more). I went with friends on Friday night and as we needed food at 11pm at night and most restaurants turned us away, we ended up in McDonalds. I would have preferred almost anything else, but a friend wanted McDonalds.

I tried their new Chicken wrap, and a medium portion of fries. The chicken wrap was passable, if containing virtually no chicken (two small pieces of breadcrumbed batter with a hint of mystery meat in the middle), but the fries were inedibly salty. I wondered if it was oversalted to try and encourage you to purchase their insanely large soft drinks. However, as I won a free Big Mac in their promotion, I returned the next day at dinner time to sample a Big Mac.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's first article in his book "Hugh Fearlessly Eats it All" is a description of his attempts to recreate the classic Big Mac. I thought his anti-McDonalds bias was coming to the fore, with descriptions like "the burgers had no flavour of beef: it was as if they did a deal with Bovril to buy the meat after all the flavour had been removed". However, I couldn't actually believe the food was as bad as it was. The burgers did indeed taste nothing like beef, just something with the texture of meat, but no flavour. The cheese and sauce are slimy and flavourless. The burgers were tiny, and the amount of meat was tiny. The salad was limp and lifeless.

Basically I think McDonalds can't be described as a restaurant, just a toilet that happens to serve "food".

Compared to my jaunt down to London with my brother and sister today (I took today off as it was a bank holiday) where we went to Rico Rodrigo. It was an all you could eat Brazilian buffet where they brought round meat to your table. It was very nice, except everything was a bit too salty. It was good fun though, and mum and dad rang halfway through lunch from holiday, so we all had a chance to chat to them.

A lovely easter, hope you all had a good one!

AcidCat

PS. Delay your easter egg purchases till the day after Easter Sunday... all the eggs are half price!

Writer's block

I can't actually think of anything worth writing, so I'm off to bed.

Goodnight!
AcidCat

The One who Got Away

I know it's hard for you
To understand what I'm going through
But now I sit here to remind myself
You're always dressed to kill
And you feel like you owe it to the world
But you owe it to yourself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...
And I

I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep

Cheer up my friends all say
You're better alone anyways
But you're always on tour
And you're never home
I'm always dressed to kill
And I feel like I owe it to the world
But I owe it to myself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...
And I

I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep

Cheer up my friends all say...
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine
You're better alone anyways
And you're not here, not here
I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
Cheer up my friends all say...

-- Dress to Kill - New Found Glory

I still miss her.

AcidCat

Weekend roundup

No posts recently as I was back home for the weekend.

I went home as my mum and dad are going to Hong Kong for the next three weeks. Myself and my brother popped home to see them for the weekend. We went for a family Dim Sum lunch with my sister at Joy King Lau in Leicester Square (Good food, don't rate the service, but it and the nearby Golden Dragon are the best Dim Sum joints in the UK).

We also went for a walk round the park. I picked nettles as I was trying to make nettle gnocchi from the Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall recipe. It was good fun and a nice day out. The gnocchi are a bit too cheesy though. They've got a lot of promise as a vegetable though. Free too.

Also did a volunteer session at Peace hospice. I was very busy, but it's a rewarding feeling, specially as you can see you're making a difficult time easier.

Went to Heathrow on Monday to drop off my parents. I hate airports. They keep you in the dark, it's really unclear where you're meant to be, there isn't even enough staff to tell you anything. They rip you off royally.

Anyway, that's a summary of the weekend. I'll try and blog more stuff later.

AcidCat

PS Listening to Radio 4 listen again service: Mark Thomas - My Life in Serious Organised Crime. It's extremely funny, and is a good lesson in using the law to be a civil thorn in the side of bureaucracy and the government. Well worth a look at.

People

The crush I have on the girl I work with is very annoying. I think she's fantastic, but she has a nice boyfriend who she's been seeing for over 8 years now. Like I said, I wouldn't want to split them up even if I could, but she's so lovely.

Anyway, I spent a bit of time chatting to an Italian lab friend who is very cool and charismatic. It was fun, and just goes to show you don't need a significant other to enjoy yourself... though it helps.

AcidCat

PS. I spent about half an hour queuing for the counter at the local post office, where I was sending an Easter egg to my friend who is going through what I went through. They never employ enough staff.

Burning the candle at both ends

"People always say I shouldn't be burning the candle at both ends. Maybe they haven't got a big enough candle." - George Best

A short post today, as I'm pushing too hard at the moment, and not getting enough sleep. It's got to the point that my labmates sent me home because I was "like a zombie". I slept for most of the work day, so went in at 5pm to work till midnight. I'm hoping catching up on that sleep will let me carry on as before soon. So much to do!

I'm not so good at burning the candle at both ends. It's a flaw of saying yes, you do end up losing sleep as you're incredibly busy...

AcidCat

Musings

I spent a little while navel gazing today, as my positive attitude is starting to irritate my labmates, so I've been thinking to try and evaluate how I'm doing.

Basically, I realised that the break up has been good for me. It's made me a stronger person, it's made me hit rock bottom, so by comparison the typical day to day problems of life seem trivial. It's made me get help for my mild depression by sending me into a deep depression, so I know more ways of coping. I now value and realise how important my friends are, and how much material things matter compared to things like love and friendship. It's given me a real drive to study medicine to do something worthwhile with my life and do something that I really want to do.

Having said that all though, if I could wave a magic wand and undo it all, I would without a moment's thought. I miss her badly and think of her every day. I don't know if I really want her back after she put me through all that misery, but I wish things were like they were. It really hurt and really screwed up my entire life.

Every time I see a happy couple together or a pretty girl (which as I think women are beautiful, happens a hell of a lot) it makes me remember how happy I was, and how lonely I am. I wonder if I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone, as I only really seem to be falling in love with people who I don't have a chance with. I think many girls are gorgeous, but I tend to only fall in love with people who I know, as it really is the personality that I fall in love with (but the beauty often does drag me in for a closer look). I don't want to settle for second best. It means if I'm fated to spend my life alone, I have to really get into medicine... I need it to make it all worthwhile.

Send me an angel to love,
I need to feel a little piece of heaven.
Send me an angel to love,
I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven.

--Garbage - My Lover's Box

I'm still waiting for my angel to arrive. I'm ready at any time.

If any of you are lucky enough to be in love, and are with your beloved, value them.

Love to you all,

AcidCat

Friends

Friends are there,
To help you get started, to give you a push on the way.

Friends are there,
To turn you around, get your feet on the ground for a brand new day!

They'll pick you up when you're down,
Help you swallow your pride,
When something inside's
Got to break on through to the other side!

Friends are someone you can open up to,
When you feel like you're ready to flip.

When you've got the world on your shoulders
Friends are there to give you a tip.

Friends are there when you need them
They're even there when you don't.

For a walk in the park, or a shot in the dark,
Friends are there,
("I Don't Care")
But friends will care for you

Theme tune - Garfield and Friends

The same applies to family. Thank you my good friends and family, for making me smile, for giving me a place in the world.

AcidCat

Indexed

Another blog I've come across which I particularly like is indexed. It is someone's collection of index cards using pseudomaths and graphs to try and explain life. Like PostSecret, it's often funny, insightful, sweet or depressing, but one major advantage it has over PostSecret is that it has a decent archive going back many months, so you don't need to check it every week. It's updated somewhat sporadically, but it has a decent back catalogue, so will keep you amused for a while.

My friend who I was blogging about a few days ago in the Be Strong post has emailed me today. I really hope she's ok. She's really lovely. I'm going to send her a little postcard from here to let her know she hasn't been forgotten.

AcidCat

One reason I love Radio 4

An anecdote from Greg Dyke, former Director General of the BBC.

At one point BBC Radio 4 was no longer to be broadcast on long wave. There was a protest march where Radio 4 listeners demonstrated their dislike of the plan by going to Broadcasting House.

Apparently the chant went like this:

What do we want?
Radio 4!

Where do we want it?
Long wave!

What do we say?
Please!

Which is why I love Radio 4

AcidCat

Lovesick

I went for lunch with my Geordie lawyer crush and another friend from undergraduate university days.

I've found that when I fancy someone a hell of a lot, I start finding it much harder to talk to them in a sensible way. Wanting not to make a complete tit of myself, I try and censor what I talk before I say it, to ensure I don't make any faux pas. I then appear quiet, so start blurting stuff out. At which I spot every slight movement and read far too much into it and become paranoid. Aargh!

Anyway, she's really wonderful. I even love the way she blinks, and flutters her eyelids. She's just far too cool, fun, funny, classy, intelligent and stylish for me. I'm only obsessed by her and someone else who is totally out of my league and unavailable. Sigh.

It was lovely spending time with her, even though I think she finds me a little boring. Even just looking at her beautiful face puts a smile on my face.

I've had a good day. Even though I've come to terms with the distinct possibility I may be alone for the rest of my life as I fall for those completely unattainable. I've just decided that I need to achieve and pursue other things in life to make the rest of it complete... I'm more determined than ever to become a doctor. Now, I'm off to book my entrance exam...

AcidCat

Roll with the punches

As I've only just got back from work (which given that it's a Friday night just goes to show quite how rock and roll my life is at the moment) and it's 2:30 am, I'm doing another customary short post.

Anyway, something I realised this evening is that two of the people I really admire and look up to as really impressive people who seem unflappable and in control of their lives (Pimp Daddy, and the ex-Pres of Oxford TaiChi) have all gone through tricky periods. Pres attributed his inner calm to having had gone through the torments making him stronger, so life seems easier by comparison.

I'm going to make sure the experiences I've been through make me a better, stronger, more sorted person.

"That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." - Friedrich Nietzsche

AcidCat

Sleep - One of the greatest food groups

Not been back from the lab long, but today's thought for the day:

Naps are good. They make the day go much easier.

I didn't plan to take a nap. I went home to pick up a jumper. Two hours later, feeling much more refreshed, I went back to work, and managed to work till 1am.

Off to have proper sleep now.

AcidCat

Blessings counted

I was going to whinge about how shit life was, and how depression was threatening to take a foothold again.

I spent this afternoon being shunned by LG for no apparent reason, moving house from a beautiful, spacious room to a complete dive, dealing with petty bureaucracy designed purely to irritate for no real reason and generally getting exhausted and frustrated.

But this evening, I got an email from a friend, and spent the evening lazily having dinner with my brother.

We went to the Lemon Tree, which was ok, but overpriced and small portions. The risotto was more like rice pudding. However, it doesn't matter, as I had a fab time with my brother who was an oasis of calm and returned me to a state where I felt I could deal with life again.

I'm an incredibly lucky person for having a wonderful family who love me and look after me very well. I thank my lucky stars/my maker for them.

(On a more minor note I'm lucky the internet works in my room I've moved into...)

Sometimes I need reminding how fortunate I am.

AcidCat

Resolution

I'm going to be a more tolerant person.

Everyone has bad days.

Everyone has the right to be a pain in the neck.

I'm going to be a better person, patient and laid-back.

Keep my temper.

Don't worry baby.

AcidCat

Be Strong

I just found out today that one of my friends who was fantastic and helped me through my pain has now just been subjected to the same experience.

To her, and anyone going through pain, suffering or challenges, be strong. I never thought at the time I would get through it, and it felt like my whole life was over. But this time will pass, and things will get better. Just be strong and call for help if you need it. I'm here, and you can always call on friends. They should be flattered you called on them for help.

Hugs to everyone going through a trough.

AcidCat

Gig - Support Live music

She took a small silver wreath and pinned it to me
She said this one will bring you love
And I don't know if it's true
But I keep it for good luck

Bright Eyes - We Are Nowhere And It's Now (From "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning")

Went to a gig with Pimp Daddy and two of his friends. It was a lot of fun. Bright Eyes is a supremely gifted, jealousy inspiring, young musician of about my age, who Pimp Daddy introduced me to and I've been a fan since. The album "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning" is something that really helped me get over the pain I suffered at the end of last year. It's now one of my favourite albums.

Anyway, I loved the concert. It was at Oxford Brookes, which isn't a huge venue, but it was fantastic. He's great performing live.

The only other artists I've seen perform live are Radiohead (went to a gig with Sphincter Boy), Supergrass (who were playing at an Oxford Ball), and S Club 7 and the Sugababes (who were playing at a club I was having a boogie at). The live music experience is great, and it goes beyond the music. It's the atmosphere, the vibrations, and the feeling that you're experiencing something that never will be experienced ever again, in quite the same way.

I also went home this weekend and did my first shift volunteering solo. It was quite nerve wracking, but it was really enjoyable, and it was great to know I was helping people going through a very tough time, and helping some extremely hardworking nurses.

It was also lovely to spend a little time with my mum. To all mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day! You're all fantastic, and kudos for looking after us kids so well. To everyone, be nice to your mum: show her how much you appreciate her.

And on that soppy note, goodnight!

AcidCat

Bitching session

Although it's still late at night and I'm tired, I'm feeling inspired and feel the need to blog, so here is a serious, long entry.

The blissful, together, close and friendly group I joined in January has truly disappeared now. I'm quite fed up about it. I've tried damn hard to keep everyone onside and together, and everyone's pettiness has destroyed an idyllic retreat. So here is my bitching session about my lab mates. This isn't a balanced viewpoint, many of them have virtues that I haven't listed, but I'm hoping this will prove cathartic and I will be able to move on and learn to peacefully cope with them when I deal with them day to day.

So:

---------------------Sound of brakes being put on-------------------------

I've had a think and changed my mind. I slept on it without posting the draft, and I decided to delete the bitchiness for various reasons.

If anyone found it, it would be unpleasant.

I don't think it would reflect how I feel about people in the long term.

It's not part of my pleasant positive future self.

If you don't have anything nice to say, unless it's useful, don't say it.

So I'm not going to post the nastiness... for now.

Till next time,

AcidCat

I can't think of a good title

I always sit in front of a blank screen wondering what to write. Sometimes it comes to me straight away, but today I'm empty on what I want to write. I've got plenty to write if I had the energy.

I'm tired, so a quick summary of today.

Oxford has an awesome fire thing on Broad Street at the moment. They're celebrating 1000 years of Oxford by having loads of flame sculptures. I was impressed to see little in the way of safety barriers, but as a result, people were being responsible instead. It works (so pay attention you Health and Safety nuts).

LG and the Ringleader are having a little spat. I could intervene, but I'm hoping they'll sort it out between themselves.

Have decided to go home for the whole of Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, and doing some gardening

AcidCat

Marathon not a sprint

I did my now customary Wednesday exhaustion at the lab, so I wandered round like a zombie. I need to learn to pace myself for the first part of the week so I don't crash.

I got complimented again by the girl in the lab I like, when she said I was well suited as a paediatrician as I'm cheerful and positive.

Had a nice dinner with my brother at the Radcliffe Arms tonight. It has changed quite a bit over the past five years, but generally for the better.

I'm off for an earlyish night now. Still excited about chemistry, so I need to get enough energy to go push back the boundaries tomorrow.

To infinity... and beyond!

AcidCat

Short and sweet

The sweet is my discovery that M&S Chocolate fudge pie is even nicer cold than hot. The fudge sauce has a better consistency.

The short is because I'm only just back from the lab, and need to go in and do a full day early tomorrow, so this is quite a short post.

A really great blog I came across today is PostSecret.



It's a blog where people post in home made postcards telling a secret. It's funny, sad, poignant, thought-provoking: ie just like life. Well worth a visit.

Goodnight
AcidCat

Malaysian monks face ant dilemma

This comes from a news story I found on the BBC news website.

A group of Buddhist monks in Malaysia is appealing for help to solve a problem with ants.

Buddhism forbids devotees from harming any living creature.

So the monks are looking for a creative and non-violent solution to deal with the insects, which are biting worshippers.

Seemed fair enough to me, but a quote near the end caught my eye:

An attempt to remove them using a vacuum cleaner failed, so the Buddhist community is appealing for help.

They cannot encourage anyone to harm the ants, but the chief monk says that if someone turns up unbidden and deals with them without the monks' involvement then that is the will of the universe.

Does this make the chief monk sound like a mafia don to anyone else? Like he's not suggesting anyone murder a traitor, but if someone were to kill them, then hey, that's life...

I wonder if I'm the first person to compare a chief monk to a mafia don.

I hope neither comes after me, I don't know if I really want either to hunt me down. Slightly more worried about a mafia boss doing so.

Better start looking for a safe house now...
AcidCat