First day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

-- First Day of my Life -- Bright Eyes

Today is the first day of my life. Today was pretty mediocre as far as work goes. Lunch was lovely though as a few friends who ~R had told about us going on a few dates congratulated me and said nice things. Also got to sit with ~R for some of the lectures.

After work things were lots of fun. My flatmate J-- had finished exams, so his group were sat on the grass drinking, so I crashed the party for a little while which was fun.

~R had suggested that we could do something fun this evening, so I called in on her flat to see if she was still keen on going out. Some of her flatmates were around, and they were having food, so I had the lucky bonus of being fed and had some lovely tea and coffee. I do like all of her flatmates, so that was lovely. Her flatmates eventually trickled away, leaving me alone with ~R. She was tired which ruled out the original clubbing idea. We didn't like what was available at the cinema (Hannah Montana movie or 17 again?) and we were too late for the comedy night on the boat. We fancied going out, so decided to hit central London to escape from Tooting and hope to catch the last of the sun.

We went to Waterloo to walk along Bankside, but sadly missed the sun while on the tube - it was the post-dusk era. We spent some time along Bankside, admiring the view, seeing the photo exhibit that was up.

We were standing by the Thames staring at the view. I'm going to skip many of the details (even on an anonymous blog, some things need to be kept private). ~R told me some of the stuff that was on her mind. Lots of stuff I couldn't do anything about, or say anything to help. I was honoured that she felt comfortable enough to and decided to tell me. I told her what I thought and some of the things that were going through my mind.

And then we kissed.

I can't really explain much else for the evening. It was a time of happiness, glow, trembling, excitement, thrill, fear, love (on my part anyway), contentment, exhilaration. I can't do the feelings and sensations justice. It felt like floating, like spinning into the air - gliding. Everything.

We went for cake, but needed to get back at a comparatively civilised time (though it still wasn't that early - I think we started getting the train back at 11:30). I spoiled the evening slightly by being a bit obsessive and crazy about her. I keep staring at her; she's so beautiful and so wonderful - this makes her uncomfortable. I just got carried away, and my brain has gone completely AWOL. I also need to remember to keep things slow.

I had a wonderful evening. I don't think I've ever been so happy. I love ~R so much. I've just been in a happy daze.

I'm trying not to get too obsessed (it's arguable that it's too late for that). I realise that this may not be the happy ever after I'd love it to be, and it could easily end tomorrow. I need to keep one eye on how lucky I've been already: ~R has made me so happy over the past month. She's also excised thoughts of my ex from my mind - I can't remember when it happened, but I stopped thinking about my ex daily, and I don't feel a pang or pain when I do think of her (this happened even before I asked ~R out). I feel good about myself. She makes me feel positive about life, work, everything - and keep everything in perspective.

Phoenix ascending: 24 April 2009. Phoenix is fully reborn, and burning brightly. Unstoppable.

Love to all of you, but especially: love you ~R

AcidCat

PS. ~R, if you ever do read this: I wasn't joking, it wasn't just a line: it was the honest truth. I don't ever remember being as happy as I have since we've started hanging out together. Thank you.

Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

Testing times

Today I had the end of module exam. Topics covered included upper and lower GI tract, kidney function, thyroid function and pancreatic function (and the associated insulin and diabetes). I think it went ok, but then again the examiner did say the exam was easy (therefore the pass mark will be higher), and also, any time on this course I thought the exam went well I end up with a bad mark, and conversely when I think the exam went poorly, the mark so far has been ok. So, no judgements, just time to wait for the marks to come out.

Went to the pub to unwind afterwards, but I think I'm cursed with the local that the uni kids go to. I never seem to have a particularly fun time while I'm there. The best experience I think I've had while there has been geeking out and playing chess with C-------- after the last exam. Didn't have a wonderful time, and when the people I was with invited me back to halls for coffee, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially as one of them was the wonderful one.

Spent the early evening around the wonderful one's kitchen. I really like all of the people who live in that flat, so I had a lot of fun. The coffee made me a bit jittery though as I don't really do caffeine: Never normally drink coffee, rarely drink tea, occasionally drink cola. I got a bit shy and awkward around the wonderful one again, partly think it was because we were both tired from the exam and the revision for the exam all week long.

Anyway, went to a party with some of the kids from uni, and had a good time. I rarely drink alcohol, so today as people were pushing alcohol in my general direction, I drank too much which hit my system far too quickly. I got annoyed with myself for getting drunk, and also that people were starting to guess about my infatuation with the wonderful one. And I knew who was spreading the rumours, which annoyed me a bit too - but a useful lesson to know that L--- (as nice as she is) can't be trusted with anything she takes to be potentially juicy gossip. Another thing that spoiled my evening was that the person I thought was the biggest arsehole on the course confirmed it today, by getting high and groping a lot of girls against their will and tackling me to the ground. I almost punched him, but I was glad I managed to control my rage. I do wonder who would have won a fight between us though. Physically he's larger and probably stronger, I'd be relying on speed and knowing where to hit. Let's hope it isn't put to the test.

On the happy finish for the party: I spent a lovely time with one of the nicest girls on the course C------, who I think is wonderful. I got to spend some time chatting to my gym buddy T---- who is a really cool guy and a role model for how I want to change. I also spent some time talking to some old friends (like M---, one of my favourites from my first PBL group) and spent a bit of time getting to know some coursemates a little bit better. And I had a chance to dance, and take lots of photos.

Anyway, am now back, have had a drink of water, so hopefully shouldn't be hit hard by a hangover tomorrow, and am nearly ready for bed. Am looking forwards to a rare weekend of leisure: it's going to be amazing!

Love and peace and hope to you all

AcidCat

PS: Seriously, random question about leukaemia? What the hell does that have to do with GI, kidney, pancreas or thyroid? And is it so much to ask to expect the exam questions to be proof-read for spelling, grammar and have them generally make sense?

Back and badder than ever

Back to halls, ready to start a new term on Monday.

Timed quite nicely as I had a bit of a row with my mum, so was probably time to go.

I had a pretty good holiday. Not that rock and roll, not that relaxing, but it was a good one. Was very good to see my folks and see some friends. Job's a good 'un.

Now time to kick some medical bottom.

Bring the pain!

AcidCat

Motto

My new motto for life:

Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

If I feel down about something, that is going to be my first thought.

Grr...

I can do it.

AcidCat

Stars look different today

I woke up early this morning, around 5am.

I regularly woke up early when I was suffering the symptoms of depression. I'd wake up feeling alone, feeling despair, feeling bleak. Today though, although I feel a bit annoyed that I couldn't get back to sleep, I looked out of my window, saw the lights over the golf course which looked like little stars, and thought that the world looks beautiful.

Life is good. I saw my folks last night and they took me out to dinner. I'm also going to see an old friend (to whom I owe a lot) today. It may well be the last time, so I'm really hoping we have fun today. It would be even nicer if we don't lose touch, but I'm feeling lucky for having met her and being able to call her friend.

I'm going to try and have a little nap as I don't need to be awake for another two hours...

Goodnight (good morning!)

AcidCat

Love is the high not the pill

I have had a fab day today!

I got through the tutorial session today in one piece, despite not having done enough work and having stayed up half the night trying to get as much possible done.

I went to an enjoyable extra lecture that was much more entertaining. It was about the genetic links associated with behavioural disorders. It's always more interesting going to lectures that are non-compulsory and that you don't need to take notes for. A huge unexpected bonus of the lecture actually was that the incredible one turned up to it so I had a few minutes of chatting to her, and got to sit next to her for the hour.

It made the lecture hour more enjoyable, but I couldn't pay as much attention to the lecture. I just got easily distracted. She was exhausted and kept falling asleep, and I kept finding myself just watching her sleep (which in retrospect disturbs me a little as I'm worried that's the action of a stalker). She's so beautiful, and she looked so peaceful while she slept.

We got chatting and we're going out to a market in London next week if it's still there. She emphasized it's not a date (as she's had problems with this already since starting here at uni) as she's not looking to go out with anyone. Still, she's so wonderful, just to spend time with her and be around is just fantastic. It's also good to know, as I was currently trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out and had planned to do it at the end of time just before Xmas, so I can save myself the terror and stress. Hopefully it'll help me try and act normally around her and just relax and enjoy being with her, instead of thinking how fantastic she is.

I'm wittering now. Although I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling tired and not very coherent, so I'm going to go to bed now.

Goodnight!

AcidCat

Confidence boost

I had a wonderful morning at the GP surgery today! I got to see a whole host of interesting patients, including some pregnant ladies (whose urine I was allowed to dipstick), and people with diabetes, migraine, stress related problems, anaemia, and lots more. I only was asked to leave the room twice, and I could understand why for both times.

I really got an understanding of how difficult the work of a GP was. The amount of ground you have to cover in a short 10 minute appointment is incredible, and in addition to being there to look after the medical well being of the patient, you're looking after their mental and emotional health, and acting as a confidant and counsellor and social worker. I was drained after a morning there, and I wasn't even doing the work (and my GP still had an afternoon and evening surgery to run).

It was a fantastic experience, but I was overawed by what GPs had to do, and I already felt that my clinical skills weren't up to the task, so I made some comment to the GP that I felt that I didn't have a future in clinical medicine and certainly not as a GP, having seen how difficult it was, especially with such a short consultation time. She passed on one of the nicest compliments that I've received since I've got here.

The first week that we were sitting in on the GP surgery it was to observe hearing impaired patients. We were lucky enough to see two very different hearing impaired patients, different both in terms of how they had developed deafness and how they were managing with it. As I was really nervous, I thought I had made an appalling impression on both the patients and the GP. However, the GP passed on a message from the first hearing impaired patient that she felt that I had the best empathy and listening skills out of the entire group and felt that I would make an excellent doctor because I developed a good rapport. This was a huge confidence boost, and I was flattered that this had come from a patient without prompting. I left the surgery feeling fired up, and feeling that I could achieve.

That was the good part of the day. I'm afraid to report that I haven't managed to do much this afternoon, as I tried to take a one hour nap which I slept through the alarm for, and woke up 3 hours later. It might be a long night ahead trying to learn about the liver...

AcidCat

Feeling good

I'm feeling good.

I'm trying to discover the work-life balance equation, at the moment now, I'm spending too much time procrastinating and having fun, and too little time actually working. Need to focus. On the other hand, I feel happier now than I have in a long time, and that counts for a hell of a lot.

I'm sending messages to someone else who I met on a web forum and talking about depression. They're struggling and their story sounds very similar to mine a while ago. I hope they're alright, and I hope that I'm helping.

I need to get some sleep as the work won't sink in otherwise.

Goodnight
AcidCat

Higher and higher

It's a slightly strange feeling, but things seem to be going so well at the moment. My mood is brilliant, even though I haven't done enough work, and I don't understand the work well enough, it isn't bothering me.

When life is going well, things just seem that much easier to manage. I think some people who don't suffer from depression can't really understand how hard it is when you're depressed to just keep going on an even keel and think positive. I mentioned how shocking I found it about the lack of sympathy for depression showed by my classmates: the doctors of the near future. I think it can be hard to grasp until you've been there, and sadly I'm not eloquent enough to express it to them.

Anyway, just a quicky. Had a lovely dinner with some of my ex-lab mates from my previous life as a PhD student. They very kindly bought me dinner which was very touching, and it was brilliant to catch up with them and see them so happy. It's funny how people stay the same in certain ways.

Am learning all about the very complex human immune system. Have got a very good book, which aims to be a nice, simple introduction called "How the immune system works" by Lauren Sompayrac. It is fantastically clear and easy for beginners, but I do find the casual language he uses slightly over the top. I'm really enjoying it though, and I'm saddened that there aren't more medical text books written in such a clear, simple, introductory manner... there is a gap in the market out there!

Anyway, back to the immune system. It's thrilling to actually start understanding what antibodies, B cells, T cells and all the other bits with the immune system really are!

AcidCat

I should be so lucky

I got taken out for lunch by my family today, to celebrate my birthday. I had a fantastic, amazing time. It was wonderful to see my beloved family, who are so kind and lovely to me. They also bought me some amazing, incredible gifts, which really was the icing on the cake. On my desired gift list (See Birthday wish list - November 5 post), they bought me clothes and a DAB radio (which was hugely unexpected and equally hugely appreciated), and tasty food too.

The fact they bought me gifts off my gift list made me have a look at that blog post. The post was meant tongue-in-cheek, to have a list of things that I really wanted but knew I wouldn't be able to have, and then frivolously and facetiously list a few of the material goods which would be nice. However, reading the list made me realise that I had been given quite a few things off them.

Nothing at all has happened with the points to do with love and my current obsession. Similarly, I haven't had a huge financial windfall either. However, the kindness of my flatmates and some of the people on my course has made me realise that the world is a kinder place than I thought. I feel I do have a group of friends who do care about me (tick), and that means I (slightly) fit in (tick). I've been riding such a high since my friends threw the party, that I haven't been feeling depressed (tick). I don't know if I should be doing chemistry or medicine, but the way the guys have made me feel has made me more keen on staying around to give medicine a chance, so I'll count that as a success.

Basically, I'm feeling so amazingly lucky. I have such a wonderful family, I'm starting to feel like I have friends, and I'm feeling happy. Life is good.

AcidCat

Overwhelmed

Wow. I'm a bit overwhelmed.

I'm on a new course, and really felt like I didn't fit in. I hadn't mentioned to the people around me about my birthday as I didn't really want to make a big deal about it. This was mainly so I didn't get disappointed when people would blow me out.

Instead, this evening, I found out my amazing flatmates found out my birthday on Facebook, and threw me a small surprise party and invited some of my course-mates to come along. This was a huge surprise, partly because of the party but partly because I don't think I've really had this kind of thing happen to me before. I don't know if any of my friends have ever organised a surprise party for me (except my ex), so it's a really amazing feeling to think that friends care about you so much that they'll do something like that for you.

Seriously, it was a birthday present that I wasn't expecting and found truly overwhelming. I didn't know what to do or how to act. Words truly failed me. It left me in shock.

In that one act, they made this place seem a lot less cold, and made me feel like I fit in much better. A birthday present that money couldn't buy. I couldn't believe that I had been given the gift of all these people's time and care. Where I was expecting to spend the evening of my birthday quietly on my own, I ended up having a really interesting evening feeling like I was part of some people's lives. For a rare change, I felt part of something bigger, that I wasn't just an insignificant thing who didn't have a purpose or place.

For a while, I felt like I was accepted.

Thank you everyone. Everyone who turned up tonight, thank you so much. And to all of those of you who helped organise this (especially my amazing flatmates) - I love you all. I mean that, deeply. I'm grateful to you in a way that will sound hollow with words.

Thank you

AcidCat

Destiny's Child

From the excellent "Girl vs Pig" webcomic, issue 222


I've spent a lot of time today (when I should have been working) wondering why the hell I'm here at medical school. It's really hard work, and I don't think I'm a natural at it. I'm not in the lucky position of some of my friends who are desperate to become a doctor and it's their dream job. I could (probably) find work as a chemist and it would pay pretty damn well, would give me a reasonably fulfilling, challenging occupation and would scratch my itch to learn science.

I'm slightly worried that I'm the girl in the "Girl vs. Pig" comic above, bouncing from one situation to the next, not really knowing what to do. Just doing whatever takes my fancy until I get bored of it and all of the hard work goes to waste.

However, one thing I've been wondering is: am I destined to be a doctor? Not saying it would necessarily be the right decision anyway, but it made me wonder. I had been dabbling with the idea of studying medicine on and off between finishing my first degree and throughout the PhD... One inspiration was a chance meeting with one of my labmates in the computer room one day, and I saw her looking at a website about joining this course. I hadn't realised that she had an interest in it, and we had a bit of a chat about it. She said she was interested (and had clearly been looking at it more seriously than I had, as she had found out far more details), but wasn't sure whether or not to apply, and the closing date was coming up. I suggested it was a good idea to just apply and see where the pieces fell, as she had nothing to lose by just applying. She got in, took up the place and thanked me for helping her choose her pathway. She's now in her final year and is abroad in India on a placement.

The other event which was pretty pivotal was getting dumped. I was already planning on applying to do medicine by this point, but wasn't really sure about it. The med schools I had chosen to apply to were selected on the basis of allowing me be close to her... i.e. the London ones. When I got dumped, it really shook me up (you never would have guessed, the way I've been going on about it, would you?) and it left me wanting more from life. I started feeling that I had a yawning chasm in my life that could never be replaced, so it pushed me into coming to med school as a chance to do some good in the world. My thinking was that if I couldn't be happy myself, at least I could try and bring in some happiness by proxy by making other people better.

Weird thing was, if she'd dumped me before then, before the germ of the idea was sown, I don't think that I would have gone through with it. Similarly, if she hadn't dumped me, or dumped me much later, there was a fair chance I would have changed my mind and gone to do something else, maybe a research job, maybe a post-doc, just something so I could be with her.

This has made me wonder if I'm just meant to be here. On the other hand, the rational, scientific, logical, reasoning side of me wants to brain myself for being so dim. The Richard Dawkins in me is screaming at me to tell me that it's just coincidence, or just my reading significance into chance events. That's probably right, but just maybe...

To be honest, at the moment I need something to hold onto to keep me here. I feel like I'm drowning without it. So the thought that I'm meant to be here is just something I can cling to occasionally. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. I need more motivation. The opportunity to be around the amazing one occasionally is good, but it's also torture. I spent the weekend wondering if it was too much to drop in on her flat without a reason, or trying to concoct an excuse to drop in on her or her flatmates. In the end, cowardice prevailed and I haven't seen her at all. I know her influence is good on me: I never could have written this (overlong) post before her, she's managed to ease the pain, even at the distance she's at.

Let see how long I can keep going for...

AcidCat

I just can't get you out of my head

I just can’t get you out of my head,
Boy your love is all I think about.
I just can’t get you out of my head,
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about.

--Kylie Minogue - "Can't get you out of my head"

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. Being in love is really helping me get over my ex. It's much less painful to think about her. In fact, I had a dream recently about meeting up with my ex, and the experience (in the dream wasn't too bad). It feels like I'm on the road to recovery.

The only problem is I really (REALLY) want this girl so badly. I don't need to keep listing her virtues, I think my last post makes my point clear. As the post title suggests, she's been haunting my thoughts. When I daydream, it's about her. She's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It's really hard to concentrate on anything or anyone else when we're in the same room together (which makes lectures rather difficult).

It makes me develop stalkerish behaviour that I have to keep fighting off. I want to be with her and around her, as she lifts my spirits. We went to try out a sport club tonight which was fun (especially as it meant I got her to myself for the walk down and walk back). It made me realise that I'd happily go and watch a competitive paint-drying tournament with her, if it just meant I could spend time with her.

Down-sides: On the walk back, she talked a bit about her ex, and how she's happy to be single and enjoying it. Now, as you can guess, she's not a stupid girl (in fact, she's the complete opposite). I'm wondering if this means she's enjoying being single, or if she's realised that I'm head-over-heels, crazy about her, and this is her idea of letting me down gently.

To be honest, I don't know if I'd ask her out anyway. I don't know if that's just me being a coward, or not wanting to make things awkward with the one person I really look forward to seeing, or it not being the right time (we're both so mad busy at the moment).

She is the centre of my universe. I love her. I know what love means. I've been in love before. This is the real thing. Not just a crush.

AcidCat

Out with the old, in with the new

Hi everybody!

It was her birthday this week. It was her third birthday that I haven't been a part of. Her birthday is one of very few dates which are lodged firmly into my head and I don't forget. I still think of her everyday.

The good news though is that I've been chatting with the most incredible person who has made me think things are good. I'm not one of life's optimists, and I'm really scared about a lot of the life decisions I've made. Chatting to her and being around her just makes me feel amazing.

Only downside to all this is I've fallen for her: in a big way.

In a way, this is good news. It's real progress in recovering from my ex that I know I'm really in love again. It also shows me that I wasn't in love with the other fantastic friends I was crushing on. This is the real thing.

The downsides are: she's on my course. I absolutely adore her, and I'm constantly fighting off the temptation to hang around her in a stalkerish manner. Just being around her gives me such a lift! She's the highlight of any day I see her.

She gives me such butterflies. It's an amazing feeling.

I don't think anything is going to happen. Problem is, I don't know if I'm good enough for her (she's so pretty, funny, kind, cool, interesting, entertaining, smart... I could go on) and I don't know what I can offer her. Even if I am good enough for her, I don't really have enough time to really hang around and do cool stuff together.

She's so amazing!

Even if nothing ever happens, if I can have her as a friend I'll be so happy. She makes me feel so incredible. I feel alive again!

When I'm with her, it puts an exclamation mark on the end of every sentence. (Have been fighting off the urge to hit that key all post long, to keep the number of them reasonable).

She's going to break my heart completely one of these days: I just don't know how.

And for the time being, I'm looking forwards to finding out how ;) !

I forgot how love really feels! I'm just hoping that the eventual come down isn't too painful...

Love to everyone (but especially her)!

AcidCat

Musings

I spent a little while navel gazing today, as my positive attitude is starting to irritate my labmates, so I've been thinking to try and evaluate how I'm doing.

Basically, I realised that the break up has been good for me. It's made me a stronger person, it's made me hit rock bottom, so by comparison the typical day to day problems of life seem trivial. It's made me get help for my mild depression by sending me into a deep depression, so I know more ways of coping. I now value and realise how important my friends are, and how much material things matter compared to things like love and friendship. It's given me a real drive to study medicine to do something worthwhile with my life and do something that I really want to do.

Having said that all though, if I could wave a magic wand and undo it all, I would without a moment's thought. I miss her badly and think of her every day. I don't know if I really want her back after she put me through all that misery, but I wish things were like they were. It really hurt and really screwed up my entire life.

Every time I see a happy couple together or a pretty girl (which as I think women are beautiful, happens a hell of a lot) it makes me remember how happy I was, and how lonely I am. I wonder if I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone, as I only really seem to be falling in love with people who I don't have a chance with. I think many girls are gorgeous, but I tend to only fall in love with people who I know, as it really is the personality that I fall in love with (but the beauty often does drag me in for a closer look). I don't want to settle for second best. It means if I'm fated to spend my life alone, I have to really get into medicine... I need it to make it all worthwhile.

Send me an angel to love,
I need to feel a little piece of heaven.
Send me an angel to love,
I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven.

--Garbage - My Lover's Box

I'm still waiting for my angel to arrive. I'm ready at any time.

If any of you are lucky enough to be in love, and are with your beloved, value them.

Love to you all,

AcidCat

Roll with the punches

As I've only just got back from work (which given that it's a Friday night just goes to show quite how rock and roll my life is at the moment) and it's 2:30 am, I'm doing another customary short post.

Anyway, something I realised this evening is that two of the people I really admire and look up to as really impressive people who seem unflappable and in control of their lives (Pimp Daddy, and the ex-Pres of Oxford TaiChi) have all gone through tricky periods. Pres attributed his inner calm to having had gone through the torments making him stronger, so life seems easier by comparison.

I'm going to make sure the experiences I've been through make me a better, stronger, more sorted person.

"That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." - Friedrich Nietzsche

AcidCat

Blessings counted

I was going to whinge about how shit life was, and how depression was threatening to take a foothold again.

I spent this afternoon being shunned by LG for no apparent reason, moving house from a beautiful, spacious room to a complete dive, dealing with petty bureaucracy designed purely to irritate for no real reason and generally getting exhausted and frustrated.

But this evening, I got an email from a friend, and spent the evening lazily having dinner with my brother.

We went to the Lemon Tree, which was ok, but overpriced and small portions. The risotto was more like rice pudding. However, it doesn't matter, as I had a fab time with my brother who was an oasis of calm and returned me to a state where I felt I could deal with life again.

I'm an incredibly lucky person for having a wonderful family who love me and look after me very well. I thank my lucky stars/my maker for them.

(On a more minor note I'm lucky the internet works in my room I've moved into...)

Sometimes I need reminding how fortunate I am.

AcidCat

Reasons to be cheerful, part 1

Today is Shrove Tuesday, final day before Lent... time to have one last day of gluttony before 40 days of deprivation.

This morning started well. I got a lovely compliment from a lovely lab mate from a different group. She said that I would make a great doctor and I should work with kids as I have a personality for it as I'm very positive. I had told her that I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't tell her that I wanted to work in paediatrics. It's a wonderful feeling to have your decisions vindicated, especially by people you like. I need to get down to the whole application process...

My other high of the day was the evening. I had already asked the lab if they fancied coming round my house to make pancakes, but had my offer declined. I was facing an evening of working late in the lab with my good friend the Ringleader. Our labmate LG was talking about joining us, but he was a bit depressed and was thinking of just going home. We tried to tempt him to come out and join us for dinner, even if he wasn't staying to work, but he just looked miserable and was going to go home. It was only when we suggested icecream that he was excited and agreed to come out for a bit.

When we got to the icecream parlour (G&D's), I noticed that the really excellent cocktail bar opposite (Duke of Cambridge) was on half-price happy hour, and knowing LG had a weakness for cocktails and looked like he could do with a drink, our merry band went in for a quick one.

And then another.

It was great fun. I love the little unexpected impromptu evenings out much more than Friday night drinking. I love the way it's a bonus, Friday nights seem like you're meant to be out and having fun, and you're a loser if you're not. I love the way other nights it isn't as crowded and feels a little illicit as you're out on a school night...

We had a great time. I had a Creme Brulee flavoured cocktail which was ok, and a wonderful Black Forest cocktail. By the end of happy hour we were in fine spirits and a very chirpy, jovial bunch. It had done all three of us a lot of good, and rounding off the evening in the ice cream parlour was a happy ending. We didn't end up managing to achieve any work, but I'm glad I went. It was being completely true to the spirit of the "Yes" campaign. It's the kind of thing that would have been very easy, sensible and logical to say no to, but had I done so, I think that all three of us would have had a worse evening for it. We blew off a little steam and I'm glad we all said yes, despite LG feeling down, and my and the Ringmaster's workloads.

I loved being in the position that instead of being the one who needed lifting up, I was the one able to help cheer up others. I don't always get it right, but when you manage to make someone's life a little better, it's the most incredibly fantastic feeling.

That's why I want to be a doctor.

Love to you all, party hard, and say yes.

AcidCat