Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

A nearly great weekend

I've had a wonderful weekend where I did the minimum amount of work, went to parties and saw some of my beloved family who are incredibly fantastic and who I love very much. I know I'm incredibly lucky to get on well with my folks, when so many come from more dysfunctional families.

The only thing that has slightly spoiled it was realising how much power that she has over me. Today's party made me happy to see her when we were exchanging glances across the room, nervous when she invited me to sit next to her, and furious and sad when a misunderstanding made her pissed off at me for something that I hadn't done.

I hate people having power over me. Can I break my addiction by blowing up her flaws and minor things I don't like about her?

AcidCat

Testing times

Today I had the end of module exam. Topics covered included upper and lower GI tract, kidney function, thyroid function and pancreatic function (and the associated insulin and diabetes). I think it went ok, but then again the examiner did say the exam was easy (therefore the pass mark will be higher), and also, any time on this course I thought the exam went well I end up with a bad mark, and conversely when I think the exam went poorly, the mark so far has been ok. So, no judgements, just time to wait for the marks to come out.

Went to the pub to unwind afterwards, but I think I'm cursed with the local that the uni kids go to. I never seem to have a particularly fun time while I'm there. The best experience I think I've had while there has been geeking out and playing chess with C-------- after the last exam. Didn't have a wonderful time, and when the people I was with invited me back to halls for coffee, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially as one of them was the wonderful one.

Spent the early evening around the wonderful one's kitchen. I really like all of the people who live in that flat, so I had a lot of fun. The coffee made me a bit jittery though as I don't really do caffeine: Never normally drink coffee, rarely drink tea, occasionally drink cola. I got a bit shy and awkward around the wonderful one again, partly think it was because we were both tired from the exam and the revision for the exam all week long.

Anyway, went to a party with some of the kids from uni, and had a good time. I rarely drink alcohol, so today as people were pushing alcohol in my general direction, I drank too much which hit my system far too quickly. I got annoyed with myself for getting drunk, and also that people were starting to guess about my infatuation with the wonderful one. And I knew who was spreading the rumours, which annoyed me a bit too - but a useful lesson to know that L--- (as nice as she is) can't be trusted with anything she takes to be potentially juicy gossip. Another thing that spoiled my evening was that the person I thought was the biggest arsehole on the course confirmed it today, by getting high and groping a lot of girls against their will and tackling me to the ground. I almost punched him, but I was glad I managed to control my rage. I do wonder who would have won a fight between us though. Physically he's larger and probably stronger, I'd be relying on speed and knowing where to hit. Let's hope it isn't put to the test.

On the happy finish for the party: I spent a lovely time with one of the nicest girls on the course C------, who I think is wonderful. I got to spend some time chatting to my gym buddy T---- who is a really cool guy and a role model for how I want to change. I also spent some time talking to some old friends (like M---, one of my favourites from my first PBL group) and spent a bit of time getting to know some coursemates a little bit better. And I had a chance to dance, and take lots of photos.

Anyway, am now back, have had a drink of water, so hopefully shouldn't be hit hard by a hangover tomorrow, and am nearly ready for bed. Am looking forwards to a rare weekend of leisure: it's going to be amazing!

Love and peace and hope to you all

AcidCat

PS: Seriously, random question about leukaemia? What the hell does that have to do with GI, kidney, pancreas or thyroid? And is it so much to ask to expect the exam questions to be proof-read for spelling, grammar and have them generally make sense?

Oops I did it again.

My friend T---- gave me lots of interesting information about the "Game" - the world of pick-up artists: how to get the girl. I've just skimmed through some of the bits of info, but a lot of it seemed to make sense to me. Why nice guys don't get the girls (because although the rational part of a woman's head knows that nice guys are good for them, they're not attractive. Nice guys are like broccoli, good for you but unexciting. Bad guys are chocolate fudge cake - you know it's not going to do you good, but you want it anyway). How to act around them (basically be the best person you can be, present a really confident side of yourself, don't show them how much you like them). I decided to take elements of this in my life as it seemed a generally positive thing to do, and would help me act around her.

And then she called me.

It was her graduation day today. Her first graduation was a bit of a disaster by the sounds of things, she didn't have fun and her dad made her so stressed about the whole event. She wanted to have a good time this time, so this morning, I sent her a text message wishing her a happy graduation day.

This evening, she rang the phone in my room. I wasn't really expecting it to be her and was a bit flustered. Didn't manage the cool, alpha male, presenting-positive-side attitude I was aiming for. Ended up doing the geeky, shy, tongue-tied self. I wittered on for a bit and then after we hung up, I confessed my love. Luckily no-one was around to hear it, but I've been trying to deny it even to myself recently.

I'm so pissed off with myself. I wish I could read her. Are the things like ringing me and pulling my hair her way of flirting and a sign of interest, or just her being friendly? She's a really friendly person, so I've been assuming the latter, but sometimes I just think (and wish)...

I love you.

Congratulations on becoming a Master (or I suppose Mistress...)

AcidCat

Something for the Weekend

I’ve had a really great weekend. Haven’t got enough work done, but it was great, so I need to stay up late to scribble it down before I forget. This will help lock in the happy feelings to keep me going when things are bad.

Friday was fun. The day was long and difficult. Again, I had some problems with the one who I’m crushing on. I don’t know how to act around her – don’t want to be so keen that I just annoy her, but I love being with her.

Anyway, after lectures I went to gymnastics. I skipped the pub; I’m not feeling at home with my coursemates at the moment. The gymnastics session was great, even without my usual partner in crime, who gave it a miss due to over-doing it at the gym, football and circuit training. I got the round-off more solid, and I even landed a few front-handsprings and front flips on the tumble-track. The new coach is great and she’s very hands-off, letting us do what we’re interested in. She’s also applying funding for an air-track. Air-tracks are amazing pieces of kit – imagine an extremely springy bouncy castle which is very long and well suited for all manner of flips. I had a go on one during a parkour workshop a few years back – I was able to land flips without any tuition at all. I hope we get one!

After that on Friday evening, I managed to get a beautiful girl into my bed, but I sent her to sleep (literally). Sadly, that’s somewhat less salacious than it sounds – V-- came for a hypnosis session and I tried out a slightly different routine than last time. Although most of the changes fell flat and she kindly and gently let me know which bits were better last time, some of the new bits I decided to try seemed to work very well, and I did actually get her to go to sleep (but then again we were doing the session at gone 11 pm at night. It was a hell of a buzz and I’m very excited about the whole thing.

Saturday the excitement was the Spectrum party (for kids with special needs). It was less fun than last time as there were actually more volunteers than kids so it wasn’t as manic or exciting and challenging. It was nice to see how much fun the kids had though, and how much the parents enjoyed having a few well earned hours off. After that, I picked up a lot of reduced meat in Sainsbury’s and ended up with a serious protein overdose.

I finished reading “The Game” by Neil Strauss. It’s about the world of pickup artistry and attracting women. Interesting stuff. I feel that I seriously could do with some help in that area, but he also paints a scary picture of how the scene actually is, and how it can warp your perception of women. It isn’t an advice book as such, more his story of transformation into ladies man, but there was one piece of advice that seems to be particularly relevant to me. “One-itis” is when an AFC (average frustrated chump – like me) gets caught up on a woman thinking that she is “the one”. This means he acts like a puppy dog around her, and gives in too easily, which women hate. The PUA (pick-up artist) response to this is to just go and pick up lots of other women, to make you forget about the one. As I don’t have the time, or the abilities to do that (hell even one other woman), I just need to concentrate on trying to spend more time doing other things and spend more time with other women. I know I’ve been trying that for a while, but I’d better redouble my efforts.

Today I went to see “The Flying Dutchman” at the Royal opera house with my brother. It’s the first time I’ve been to the opera, and I didn’t know anything about it before I went. It turns out that it isn’t about a train (that’s the “Flying Scotsman”) or a fly-on-the-wall-documentary about KLM (different kind of flying Dutchmen) or about a takeaway where they lace the batter with marijuana (that’s the “Frying Dutchman”). It was a bit more like the stage version of “Pirates of the Caribbean”, all the way down to the undead sea-farers. Not convinced about the whole thing, but there were good moments. Two and a half hours, up in the gods, on rock hard seats, with head at an angle to see the stage, sat next to an irritating woman who kept trying to clap along to bits of the song and who left before clapping (which is just bloody rude in my opinion) were downsides. Plus points were some of the staging was quite interesting, a fun evening out with my brother and some of his friends was cool, and the star (Bryn Terfel) went to the trouble of picking up the cheap loose daffodils that were thrown down at him during the applause was a really nice touch.

And last but not least, I got to speak to my mum over the weekend. She is in Hong Kong seeing her mum who is terminally ill but currently stable. I miss her and it was lovely to speak to her. I’m really sad that I know she’s going to be in so much pain and finding it all so hard. I feel bad for my grandma too, but worse for my mum.

I love you mum. Wish I was able to speak to you a bit more over the weekend. Look after yourself and come back safe to me. Love you lots. Love you too grandma.

This is for both of you.
From the wonderful xkcdAcidCat

Life examination

Feeling a bit out of sorts today.

The big plus point of today was receiving my exam results. Did ok in the mock practical... failed most of the stations, but did well enough to scrape a pass overall. Most pleasingly was that I did quite well in the written exam that actually counts, despite finding the exam incredibly difficult. Well enough to drag my average up nicely (to below average for the year but as I was well below before, I'm still pleased) especially in the basic clinical science that I was doing very badly in. I'm still concerned that despite scoring reasonably well on that, I don't feel like I know the material very well.

Anyway, I feel like I don't belong again. One of my flatmates is a selfish bastard who doesn't like me, takes everything he can, winds me up and tries to put in sly jabs at every possible opportunity. If it wasn't for his presence, it would be a great flat. Oh well. I'm just going to try the minimal contact approach and see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about her. I don't know if I'll ever have her, which makes me feel sad and lonely. I wish I didn't feel this way about her. It makes me overanalyse all my actions and thoughts. Am I wishing for something I don't really want anyway? I wonder if this is a case of head saying no, but heart saying yes.

Can't wait for the weekend. Weekend without her as she's away, and a weekend that (assuming I can get on top of work) allows me to get away from the course and flat for most of the time.

Time for me to crack on with work to give me the weekend, and hypnotise/positive think my way out of my head.

AcidCat

Dreaming of you

What's up in my heart when it skips a beat?
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

When I'm down and my hands are tied
I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line.
From this pain I just can't disguise
Its gonna hurt but I'll have to say goodbye.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

Oh yeah

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

-- Dreaming of you - The Coral

I was at my beloved's house party yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I can't exactly remember what happened, but I got her on her own and asked if she'd like to go and have lunch with me. She agreed and as I was leaving she said something like "Ooh! I'm going on a date!". Then when I came to take her out, she dumped me, leaving me in floods of tears. And then I woke up.

I saw her in lectures today and chatted to her. I adore her. It's the first day I've spoken to her properly as she's been away suffering from illness for a good while.

She's away this weekend seeing her dad. It makes me feel free in a way as I won't think about whether I'll bump into her or anything like that.

I wish I could get you out of my head or just make you mine.

Love you

AcidCat

Friday 13 and Valentine's day

Have a bit of a backlog of things to say. I've been mad-busy recently trying to cram for an exam I had on Friday 13.

Good thing I'm not superstitious. Going into an exam feeling pretty stupid, underprepared, on Friday 13 having had a pretty bad week might make one think that one was going to fail... we'll have to wait and see what the results say. The only plus point is that everyone seemed to leave the exam saying how difficult it was. It did teach me I do need to learn drug names better and not just drug classes. Also need to know contra-indications to prescription better.

Valentine's day went pretty much as expected. I sent out one card - bet you can't guess who to. As normal I didn't receive one - but then again, I've never received one in anger; the only time I've ever received one was from my ex while we were going out. Not a surprise. I spent Valentine's evening at an anti-Valentine's day party at the wonderful one's flat. Chocolate fondue, enough to give all present a bad case of diabetes. Quite a girl heavy evening. Though sadly not in the way that would be optimal ;)

Was quite good fun anyway. Am meant to be practicing for my practical clinical examination tomorrow, but can't get motivated for it. Specially as it's a mock and I feel drained from the work I did for the written exam on Friday. Instead I'm going to see my folks before my mum goes back to HK this week. A better use of my time methinks.

To all you out there, whether or not you had a loved one to share Feb 14 with, love to you all!

AcidCat

A nice compliment

Conversation today with V--.

V--: "Everyone has ex-boyfriends".
Me: "I don't. I haven't had a single one."
V--: "Ok, fair enough. But you've had ex-girlfriends though haven't you?"
Me: "Erm. Actually, no."
V--: "Really? With your looks and personality I'm really surprised!"

And I could tell that there wasn't any sarcasm intended in the final comment. A lovely complement to receive, especially as I got a few kicks in my pursuit of my loved one today (She said again she's not looking for a relationship, and she mentioned someone else (a demonstrator) that she finds hot, and she thinks might also quite like her).

Another positive was a nice chat with my ex-PBL buddy C------ tonight. We skirted around my relationship woes (I think she's guessed who and how things are), and if we are both on the same wavelength, she thinks that things are going quite well in my slow and steady chase...

Here's hoping.

AcidCat

P.S. Happy Birthday J--! Just finished his party (it's still carrying on without me in our kitchen). It was fun and my popcorn making skills went down well. Another compliment is to have your skills or talents appreciated.

Happy New Year!

It's Chinese new year today (well, technically as I'm posting after midnight, it was yesterday).

Anyway, happy year of the Ox to you all.

I've had a fabulous night out tonight with fun, food, fireworks, friends, flatmates and the fantastic one.

A bit of an awkward moment when my love life or lack thereof was discussed, right in front of my loved one, but it was a great evening all the same.

Let's hope this year gives me the resilience, willpower, and damned stubbornness of the Ox!

AcidCat

Thank god (if one exists and should be thanked) it's Friday

Another week down... it's the weekend!

I've had a good evening. It's come in three sections:

1) Pub
Spent the day exhausted. Went to the pub with some of my coursemates, catalysed by the fact it was one of my new group members birthdays today. It was a bit of a waste of time. I ended up in a corner of the pub with G---, L---, M--- and R------- who weren't interested in me, didn't talk to me and talked about stuff I wasn't at all interested in. I didn't feel in a good mood and when the stories got disgusting I took that as a cue to leave (not that I was offended, just that it was an acceptable excuse to scarper). As a result I didn't make it to the greyhound race that the rest of them were going to.

2) Tea party
I left the pub feeling very lonely, with the thought that I didn't fit in returning. I went back to the hospital to collect my bike, and cycled home. En route, I received a phone call that I failed to answer in time, and when I retrieved my phone I found that I had two missed call, one from my friend J----, and the other from the wonderful one. As I'm still struggling not to be too much of a stalker, I rang J---- first, who said that she was having tea and cake around her flat and invited me along. I accepted, but kicked myself for not ringing my crush first, only realising then that as she had rang me first, it certainly would have been fine for me to ring her. I went to J----'s flat hoping that the wonderful one was there... I wasn't disappointed! I was rewarded with the sight of the wonderful one, J----, A----- and J--- (and three varieties of cake - including the coffee cake I had bought for J----'s husband's birthday earlier last week).

It was everything that the pub was not. It was intimate, fun, enjoyable and made my evening. I loved it! I still feel awkward around my loved one, but it is always wonderful to spend time in her presence and look at her beauty. I love learning things about her. I keep hearing things about her that make me think that we'd be really well suited together... wishing things don't make things true though. Obviously spending time with the others, eating cake and drinking tea was also lovely, but being with her for a while made it perfect for me. We ended up staying for a few hours, stopping only to collect cheese and biscuits (I'm glad I have a good selection of savoury biscuits!) to help stave off type II diabetes from overconsumption of sweet cake.

3) Flat
All good things must come to an end. Beginning of the end was the return of J----'s flatmate C---, who was sad as one of his patients had died today (pneumonia). We tried to be as sympathetic as possible for C--- and fed him with cake and tea. We ended up leaving to give him space and to get something a little bit more proper for dinner.

I returned to my flat and had a chat with J-- who is a good friend of C---, to see if he knew what he could do to help. He had already communicated with C--- and knew what was happening, so I left it in his capable hands. We went to ask H---- if he was coming to a chinese new year event that J-- was getting people to attend so we chatted for a bit. H---- and I went to cook dinner (J-- had already eaten), and J-- kept us company in the kitchen. We spent the evening eating and chatting. It was lovely. We spent a lot of the time talking about the evils of smoking and discussing philosophy. Again, such a huge contrast to the pub-part of the evening: intelligent, interesting, enjoyable debate which exercised my brain and made me happier. We didn't notice the time fly and only stopped as the time got close to 1 am.

It's been a good evening. I need to appreciate that just because I don't always fit in to large group situations with course-mates doesn't meant I do not fit in other places. I need to just find the right people in the right situations. Parts 2 and 3 of this evening proved it. Am very glad I didn't just tough it out at the pub - would have missed a brilliant evening.

AcidCat

Now that's what I call lectures, volume 1

Spent the evening at a fantastic lecture about medicine regarding to bomb blasts, gunshot and soft tissue injuries and how the army does it better (to be fair, somewhat unsurprising - their ambulances are helicopters!) and how they look after their own. It was fascinating stuff, really interesting, with stuff about why the exit wound with gunshots is larger than the bullet hole, where it's best to be shot if you have to be (surprisingly, it's through the lung, but put your hands up first, which will move your shoulder blades out of the way!), where bombs inflict maximum damage, what lengths the army go to save an injured colleague (it's amazingly inspiring actually). Admittedly, a large part of the enjoyment of the evening was the people I spent it with (the wonderful one and her best friend were the people who invited me to go with them) and as I said before, I would go to the competitive world-paint drying championship if it meant that I could spend some time with her.

Dagnabbit, I annoy myself with how much of a sap I am sometimes.

Oh, and while I was there, we met up with a plastic surgeon who was doing her utmost to scare us away from medicine. Bearing in mind my thoughts on the subject recently, it's brought it to the front of my mind again. Having said that, she seemed pretty much bitter about everything, so it might just be her. I don't know.

Have a flat tyre on my bike. It's most annoying. Getting to lectures on time today was a very close thing, but thanks to F----- who kindly gave me a lift in, so I just about made it.

Anyway, got an early start tomorrow and a full day of work ahead of me, so got to go to bed now. Just need to hold in the happiness and fun of being with her for a bit longer :)

AcidCat

Taking a breather from studying respiratory medicine

Instead of learning about asthma and lungs, I spent the evening with the wonderful one and one of her best friends.

I had so much fun and I don't care that I haven't done much work today. Only downside is that the Valentines card I was planning might need to be changed, as I gave away something that might make it obvious that it might be me...

Tomorrow and Wednesday I will have to work very hard to make up though...

But for tonight, I'm happy.

AcidCat

Read me like a book

I'm enjoying my last moments of freedom before I get reburied under an avalanche of work. Just a quick blog post and then sleep I think.

What's been playing on my mind is that certain people have worked out about who I've got a crush on. If I ever played poker, I may as well just throw all my money at my opponents: I think I'm just too easy to read, my heart tends to live on my sleeve.

This is mainly from a new year's eve party conversation with K--. She was asking about me and the wonderful one. She said it in a way that suggested that she was trying to match-make us, but I think she knew anyway. Under the influence of alcohol, my poor acting skills made me blurt out "Am I that obvious?", slightly giving the game away. So she now knows my secret. In addition, two of my flatmates know. I didn't tell them, they managed to work it out. H---- knows for certain, as we spend more time together and he can read me quite well. J-- thinks he knows, but he isn't sure. In addition, I think two other friends on my course (J-- and J----) have guessed (or they just think we're very good friends). I'm a bit more surprised at the last two people and K--, as I didn't think that I spent that much time with the wonderful one - in fact, sometimes I try to not be in the same place as her for awkwardness reasons / to make it less obvious / so she doesn't get sick of me.

I wish I was a little more subtle. I'm now slightly concerned that the wonderful one has guessed, but I just don't know...

In a way, I'm quite glad K-- knows. It's like the old riddle:

What is:
Too much for one,
Perfect for two
Nothing for three or more?

Answer: A secret.

It's kind of nice that someone else knows - somehow makes it a little bit real. And also K-- is very trustworthy and I think she won't blab.

AcidCat

PS - A sidenote that I've been wondering about - If history is really repeating itself (See "Back Home" - December 21, 2008), I'm not going to end up going out with the wonderful one: I'm going to end up going out with the person I ended up confiding in, in this case, K--. Which could be interesting... She's nice, pretty and kind of my type. At least she might be if I wasn't busy obsessing about someone else...

Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

Letting go

• "Letting Go" from the excellent XKCD webcomic - The alt text reads "At least I never gave her the root password."

I've been thinking a lot about the past recently (I blame the combination of coming up to the end of a year and not having a huge amount of work that needs doing now). I arranged to meet up with two of my friends from the days of my first undergraduate degree (who are living together and happily domesticated). They were my closest friends in my first degree, are almost the only people I haven't managed to alienate from those days, and they got together around the same time that I started seeing the One who got away.

It was lovely to see them. I don't know if we'll stay in touch as it did feel a bit awkward (they were also good friends with the One who got away), and everyone is busy. But it was nice, and they're both wonderful, kind, lovely, fun people.

This got me thinking about the one who got away. The XKCD comic strip above reminded me of the day I deleted the emails and text messages that I'd sent her and received from her. It was painful, but I'd hoped it would make me heal faster. Also just having them available was torture, even though I couldn't bring myself to read any of them. I still remember one text message so clearly though. It read "I love my job, but I love you more.". It still makes me sad to think about how good it all was. I'm really disorganised and am continuously losing and misplacing things. This holiday I keep finding little bits and pieces from her that I couldn't face with clearing away: A photo, a little note, a card. It's like poking at a wound that has scarred over and should have healed, but it's still so painful.

On my way back from the uni friends, I decided to swing back via my current university halls of residence. This implies that it was vaguely en route... it wasn't. It was a detour in completely the wrong direction which added over an hour in each direction of my journey.

This detour was a little bit due to the fact that there were a few bits and pieces at university that would be convenient to have: a sheet of my notes, the wifi card for the laptop that lets me type this in bed right now. If I was completely honest with myself though, it was mainly on the outside chance that the amazing one was there and I could drop in and say hi... Happily, mission accomplished.

I saw the light in her room was on, and the light in the kitchen. So I went to my room to grab the bits I came to pick up, so I could at least pretend to myself that my reason for coming back was practical. I then wandered down to her flat and rang the bell. Luckily, one of her flatmates who I was in a group with and am good friends with answered, and she invited me in, so it didn't look like I was just there to stalk the one I'm crushing on.

I had a lovely evening chatting to her and her two flatmates who I'm also friends with, but I'm so awkward around her as I just don't know what to say, or how to act. My brain conspires against me, so any eloquence I might have just vanishes. She's wonderful, and I do love her. It's just sad that it's unrequited. I don't think I ever had a chance though, just in terms of wrong place, wrong time. It's a complete bitch for me though: she arrives when I'm feeling like I'm getting over my ex (about bloody time), and I fall in love, but...

Bugger.

Love's a bitch.

AcidCat

Back home

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home

I'm back home for the holidays. It's nice, but I'm still finding my place and a routine. I really get on well with my folks which is good, and it stops me from getting on the nerves of the friends who I hang around normally.

I got a short message from the girl I'm really crushing on. I haven't seen her for a while now, she left university shortly after the exams finished last week. It made me lose all eloquence for replies and I sent back a brief note of no doubt embarrassing tone or content.

I'm worried history is repeating itself. When I was doing my first degree, I spent my entire first year and a bit pining after a blonde girl who I was madly in love with / had a huge crush on. Similarly I fell in love/lust with them one of the first times I met them post-interview (i.e. after joining the course), and both studied the same subject as me.

I didn't get the girl last time.

Blondie was beautiful but had no real personality (but she was young, so maybe that was still to come). It was clear I'd never get Blondie as her personality didn't fit mine, and she clearly wasn't even remotely interested in me. This time though, the girl is really special. I think she's beautiful, has the most intriguing personality, and I think we work well together. Problem is, she's made it explicitly clear she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment, and she's said she wouldn't want a relationship ever with a group of people that I'd fall into. I don't know if she knows my feelings and is warning me off or it's just a general comment. She may well know, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. For instance last time, when I was crushing on Blondie, it was the worst kept secret very rapidly among my friends, most of my year group and Blondie. This time round, my crush on the amazing one is speculated (and probably known) by two of my flatmates, despite my very best efforts at hiding it.

And I realise most of this post is a repeat of what I've written before, but this is what has been floating on the top of my mind and it won't go away. I keep daydreaming of just spending time with her... I know it's unhealthy.

AcidCat

Random bits

You really can't go back. I went back to my old lab for a visit, but people had moved on. Was lovely to see my old boss though. And met the new people who were nice. Sadly met up with Jizznut who is still a nasty piece of work - which reminded me the main reason I was happy to leave.

Religious nutters seem to like me. Jehovah's witnesses even find me in shops (while off duty and incognito so I can't spot them and avoid them).

I can't work out what to do with the girl who I obsess about. Should I go cold turkey and avoid her to try and get her out of my mind and break this addiction? Should I try and stay clear of her so I don't fall into the "good friends" category so I maybe have a chance with her later? Should I just abandon hope of anything at all like that and go for friends so I can bask in her presence? I dunno!

I'm lucky enough to have friends who are kind enough to tolerate my company, and insanely seem pleased to see me. I'm very sad that I no longer share study groups with the one I didn't have a lovely cup of tea with this evening(!).

I am a bit of an eejit. I tried to goad a friendly flatmate into working, by saying that if she did 2 hours of solid revision I'd go out and buy her ice creams from Sainsbury's. I managed to guilt her into trying to work... but didn't think it through as it meant I had a late night cycle ride in the freezing cold to buy them. Not very bright of me, but hopefully in tomorrow's exam it will pay off. And it got her to go and sit in her room (hopefully working) for a little bit.

Enough random bits for the time being. My brain is turning off anyway.

AcidCat

Self-indulgence

Thoughts of her fill my head. I can afford this extravagance now the exams are over and no immediate deadlines loom. It makes me sad though, and I notice myself second-guessing myself - whether I can drop round and say hi out of curiosity, or whether that would be a Bad Idea.

Maybe I need to go cold turkey. This holiday should help as it's an enforced absence. However, these last few days beforehand are torture. I find myself staring out of the window wondering if she's around. For all I know she may have already left.

AcidCat

Please don't wake me

Having enough sleep helps for with my depression. I woke up early this morning, and felt depressed. I had that sick feeling in my stomach for no reason, and could just think about the fact I'm not likely to ever have the wonderful one for myself.

I managed to fall asleep and woke up later at about half nine, and felt a lot better. I love to sleep, and it's something I miss since starting this course as I feel perpetually tired. Need to work hard today so I can get some sleep tonight...

AcidCat