Scar tissue

Scar tissue - A problem encountered when connecting a DVD player to a TV set.

I was driving back to Loughborough last night for hopefully my final time, and I realised that I'm starting to heal. Things aren't bad. I could even start thinking about her and thinking she wasn't the centre of my universe. I feel like I'm moving on and can start the next section of my life.

I think the end of PhD and being able to close one era of my life helps. I can leave the past behind me and look forwards, not back. I don't like to think about her in too much detail as I don't want to rip off the scar just as it's healing, but at least it's progress.

To underline it all, she haunted my dreams again last night and everything was all good. I don't want to go into details, but when the dream ended upon my awakening, I didn't feel despair. Certainly, I would have rather the dream was a reality, but the fact I can just enjoy the experience on waking is progress.

I feel better. It's about time things started to heal and fade. It's been nearly two years - about bloody time.

AcidCat

Feel more like a stranger each time I go home

Hi everybody!

I went back to my academic lab as one of my lab-mates viva and finish their PhD. Was very tempted not to go as they didn't bother telling me they were due to viva, I was left to hear it from the people in the lab, all of whom were told.

I'm glad I went. Not massively for myself, although I did end up having a good time. I realised that most of the lab mates were absent via holidays. It turned out that there were only four people who came back for his viva, one of whom can't stand the person finishing the PhD (and the feeling is mutual).

I remembered finishing my PhD, and the viva that followed. What made it for me was celebrating with all the people who I worked with and it made me really happy. I'm glad I helped increase the crowd size for him.

It also gave me a chance to spend a little more time with some more people from my lab who I really like, including someone new who I'm very sad I didn't get a chance to work with her (She's really awesome: smart, cool, kind, funny, amazing diplomatic skills - invaluable in the lab...). Also any evening when I get a chance to chat to my ex-boss is a good evening. I don't want to repeat my gushing praise again as I'm in danger of idolising him.

Anyway, I'm did have a good time there. However, I did realise that things are moving on and I really don't belong there any more. The people who made that place such a happy one are each slowly leaving. It never quite felt like home to me (nowhere does absolutely - I still haven't found a place to call home), but sadly although it felt close, I'm realising as time goes by, it becomes less and less like home.

I'm hoping my next adventure brings me home.

AcidCat

It's gonna hurt but I have to say goodbye

Hi everybody,

I got rung up today with a friend having personal problems. It's another relationship thing. He rang me because he realised I had gone through a very similar experience.

Poor thing had been strung along by a girl, and he fell in love with her. When she told him it wasn't love, at least not reciprocated...

He's going through the same lack of sleep, unwillingless to eat or do anything. He wanted to stay in touch with her, even though she was just playing games with him (still).

What do you do, when nothing you do will do any good? I could tell the advice to steer clear fell on deaf ears. Feeling powerless is horrible.

All I have to say is: if you're going through this kind of dilemma, don't try and do it alone. Lean on your friends. They're there for you, even if your mind warps itself into believing they don't care.

Love to all, especially anyone in pain.

AcidCat

Something old, something new

Hi everybody!

Finally finished my placement at the pharmaceutical company last Friday. It's quite strange and a little sad. I got on well with my lab mates who were very welcoming (more so than the other workmates I met there), but I've got a fair amount of sadness about it (probably) being the end of my chemistry career.

Since being there, I realised that I've got far more skills with chemistry than I appreciated while doing my PhD. If I hadn't thought I was just mediocre with a test-tube, I may still be pursuing chemistry. Since A-levels, I had wanted to follow the academic pathway in chemistry: the plan was to do a degree in chemistry, then a PhD, then become a professor with my own research group. The experience of failure during my PhD made me think I'd crash and burn if I tried independant chemistry research. Now... I'm wondering if I'm throwing away something valuable.

Anyway, off onto the next new challenge!

AcidCat