Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

Letting go

• "Letting Go" from the excellent XKCD webcomic - The alt text reads "At least I never gave her the root password."

I've been thinking a lot about the past recently (I blame the combination of coming up to the end of a year and not having a huge amount of work that needs doing now). I arranged to meet up with two of my friends from the days of my first undergraduate degree (who are living together and happily domesticated). They were my closest friends in my first degree, are almost the only people I haven't managed to alienate from those days, and they got together around the same time that I started seeing the One who got away.

It was lovely to see them. I don't know if we'll stay in touch as it did feel a bit awkward (they were also good friends with the One who got away), and everyone is busy. But it was nice, and they're both wonderful, kind, lovely, fun people.

This got me thinking about the one who got away. The XKCD comic strip above reminded me of the day I deleted the emails and text messages that I'd sent her and received from her. It was painful, but I'd hoped it would make me heal faster. Also just having them available was torture, even though I couldn't bring myself to read any of them. I still remember one text message so clearly though. It read "I love my job, but I love you more.". It still makes me sad to think about how good it all was. I'm really disorganised and am continuously losing and misplacing things. This holiday I keep finding little bits and pieces from her that I couldn't face with clearing away: A photo, a little note, a card. It's like poking at a wound that has scarred over and should have healed, but it's still so painful.

On my way back from the uni friends, I decided to swing back via my current university halls of residence. This implies that it was vaguely en route... it wasn't. It was a detour in completely the wrong direction which added over an hour in each direction of my journey.

This detour was a little bit due to the fact that there were a few bits and pieces at university that would be convenient to have: a sheet of my notes, the wifi card for the laptop that lets me type this in bed right now. If I was completely honest with myself though, it was mainly on the outside chance that the amazing one was there and I could drop in and say hi... Happily, mission accomplished.

I saw the light in her room was on, and the light in the kitchen. So I went to my room to grab the bits I came to pick up, so I could at least pretend to myself that my reason for coming back was practical. I then wandered down to her flat and rang the bell. Luckily, one of her flatmates who I was in a group with and am good friends with answered, and she invited me in, so it didn't look like I was just there to stalk the one I'm crushing on.

I had a lovely evening chatting to her and her two flatmates who I'm also friends with, but I'm so awkward around her as I just don't know what to say, or how to act. My brain conspires against me, so any eloquence I might have just vanishes. She's wonderful, and I do love her. It's just sad that it's unrequited. I don't think I ever had a chance though, just in terms of wrong place, wrong time. It's a complete bitch for me though: she arrives when I'm feeling like I'm getting over my ex (about bloody time), and I fall in love, but...

Bugger.

Love's a bitch.

AcidCat

Happy Xmas - Part 2

Hi,
Just a quick note as I don't have a lot to say.

I've had a lovely Xmas day. I think the main reason is low expectations. As I didn't build it up to very much, it's been a lot of fun compared to an average day. It's been laid back, and I really enjoyed the Wallace and Gromit programs on TV - the Curse of the Wererabbit feature film and the new Loaf or Death standard episode. Both were excellent (though I think Loaf or Death isn't quite up to the incredible standard set by Wrong Trousers.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed your Xmas day.
Peace and love to you.
AcidCat

Happy Xmas

May I be (one of) the first to wish you all a happy Xmas for 2008.

I am typing this on my shiny old computer, which my brother has kindly resurrected for me with lots of hard work from him, and a new network card which we purchased today. I'm awfully excited as it's going to make working on it next term so much easier, and it means I get to use Windows less often (although I am still using Windows XP and have avoided the dreaded "Vista" like the plague) and am currently using a version of Linux. It's shiny, fast and isn't crashing which is nice. I'm a bit of a Linux novice, so it'll be a fun adventure.

When we were at the shops buying a network card, it really struck me that the credit crunch is indeed biting. The whole high street was much less busy than expected for the Xmas period, in particular for Xmas eve.

I visited the pub with a few old school friends too this evening. The pub was also way less busy - also a victim of the credit crunch? There were four of us (each of whom go back more than half my life) and I felt a bit alienated, and got the whole "I don't belong here, I don't fit in here, and the others have moved on" feeling. It changed a little when two of them left and I chatted to the remaining friend on my own. It felt like proper communication was happening and like I was getting something out of being there instead of us just turning up to the pub out of boredom/duty/nostalgia/habit. It was good to see them all though and good to see them happy, especially the two who were having problems in their life, and the remaining one is very happy and in love.

Happy Xmas to you all

AcidCat

Xmas boredom

Settled into the Xmas slow routine. I'm enjoying it as it's a hell of a change of pace. I never used to enjoy the slumming around doing nothing, but after the term that I've just had, I'm revelling in the absence of over-stimulation.

However, I get worried that my brother isn't enjoying his holiday. He's one of my favourite people in the whole world, and one of the nicest people ever, with a real kind heart. I think he's bored, and I'm worried he's feeling sad. I don't really know what to do to change things around for the better. He's just spent most of the day kindly getting my computer working and teaching me how to use it. Hopefully we're going to brave the crowds tomorrow and have a jaunt to the shops and that might be entertainment enough...

To all who are unhappy, sad or depressed at the moment, my thoughts are with you. May things improve, and may you grow happier and happier every moment of every day.

Love
AcidCat

Back home

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home

I'm back home for the holidays. It's nice, but I'm still finding my place and a routine. I really get on well with my folks which is good, and it stops me from getting on the nerves of the friends who I hang around normally.

I got a short message from the girl I'm really crushing on. I haven't seen her for a while now, she left university shortly after the exams finished last week. It made me lose all eloquence for replies and I sent back a brief note of no doubt embarrassing tone or content.

I'm worried history is repeating itself. When I was doing my first degree, I spent my entire first year and a bit pining after a blonde girl who I was madly in love with / had a huge crush on. Similarly I fell in love/lust with them one of the first times I met them post-interview (i.e. after joining the course), and both studied the same subject as me.

I didn't get the girl last time.

Blondie was beautiful but had no real personality (but she was young, so maybe that was still to come). It was clear I'd never get Blondie as her personality didn't fit mine, and she clearly wasn't even remotely interested in me. This time though, the girl is really special. I think she's beautiful, has the most intriguing personality, and I think we work well together. Problem is, she's made it explicitly clear she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment, and she's said she wouldn't want a relationship ever with a group of people that I'd fall into. I don't know if she knows my feelings and is warning me off or it's just a general comment. She may well know, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. For instance last time, when I was crushing on Blondie, it was the worst kept secret very rapidly among my friends, most of my year group and Blondie. This time round, my crush on the amazing one is speculated (and probably known) by two of my flatmates, despite my very best efforts at hiding it.

And I realise most of this post is a repeat of what I've written before, but this is what has been floating on the top of my mind and it won't go away. I keep daydreaming of just spending time with her... I know it's unhealthy.

AcidCat

I can't believe it is buddha

I was loitering around outside Earlsfield train station as I had been entrusted with the task of escorting J--'s sister and sister's boyfriend back to our halls as J-- was in an exam. I felt the warmth leaving my fingers, and realised that the "Big Issue" seller must be having a far worse day than me, so I bought a copy from him. When I did, a passerby gave me a small key-ring statue. I thought he was trying to sell me something or it was a con, so I tried to decline it. He said it was free and started to walk away. I called out "thank you" to the retreating figure.

It's a little bronze statue. It doesn't look like what I assume Buddha to look like: he looks more like a warrior than the plump, jolly fellow I'm used to. Anyway, I'm hoping it will bring me luck, love and happiness. It was a lovely gesture from a stranger. The world is a strange place, but often a good one!

AcidCat

An ice christmas

2 Mahoosive ice lumps + 2 crazy fun flatmates + late night - any form of alcohol = lots of silliness and fun!

I just chipped a huge block of ice from the back of each of our fridges and me and L--- decided to bring one to J-- (who has an exam tomorrow). I don't quite exactly know what happened next, but we've spent a little while throwing huge gobs of ice at each other (and dodging the debris), trying to put it down the backs of each other's clothing, making an ice sculpture (which we balanced on G---'s door handle). It was completely impromptu, and so much fun!

Flatmates, I love you all!

AcidCat

Motto

My new motto for life:

Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

If I feel down about something, that is going to be my first thought.

Grr...

I can do it.

AcidCat

Random thought fragments

It really struck me that I often have stuff to blog about during the day, but by the time the evening comes, the mood passes or I forget what I wanted to write about. As a result I get quite a few of these random thought fragments...

Had a lovely moment today when a friend invited me to lunch. I had my phone on silent (forgot to reset it after the interview with the pregnant lady) so I missed it, but it made my day to be thought of.

I did small favours to two people today, and it was nice to be acknowledged by them. The favours were very minor (one turned out to be pointless) but the thank you messages were appreciated.

Took part in a dance workshop which was exhausting. It was a masterclass with a dancer called "Alien Ness" and it was quite inspiring. I was tempted not to go as I was running late, was hungry, tired and think I might be getting ill. Glad I pushed myself into going though. It was fun. The "yes man" project was part of what pushed me in the direction of going.

The "Yes Man" film based (loosely) on the Danny Wallace book is coming out soon. Not sure if I'll see it as it looks terrible, and Hollywood have a knack for ruining stuff (and the cinema is now criminally expensive in my opinion for mediocre movies). Will wait and see.

That's all folks. No more off the top of my head.

AcidCat

Random bits

You really can't go back. I went back to my old lab for a visit, but people had moved on. Was lovely to see my old boss though. And met the new people who were nice. Sadly met up with Jizznut who is still a nasty piece of work - which reminded me the main reason I was happy to leave.

Religious nutters seem to like me. Jehovah's witnesses even find me in shops (while off duty and incognito so I can't spot them and avoid them).

I can't work out what to do with the girl who I obsess about. Should I go cold turkey and avoid her to try and get her out of my mind and break this addiction? Should I try and stay clear of her so I don't fall into the "good friends" category so I maybe have a chance with her later? Should I just abandon hope of anything at all like that and go for friends so I can bask in her presence? I dunno!

I'm lucky enough to have friends who are kind enough to tolerate my company, and insanely seem pleased to see me. I'm very sad that I no longer share study groups with the one I didn't have a lovely cup of tea with this evening(!).

I am a bit of an eejit. I tried to goad a friendly flatmate into working, by saying that if she did 2 hours of solid revision I'd go out and buy her ice creams from Sainsbury's. I managed to guilt her into trying to work... but didn't think it through as it meant I had a late night cycle ride in the freezing cold to buy them. Not very bright of me, but hopefully in tomorrow's exam it will pay off. And it got her to go and sit in her room (hopefully working) for a little bit.

Enough random bits for the time being. My brain is turning off anyway.

AcidCat

Self-indulgence

Thoughts of her fill my head. I can afford this extravagance now the exams are over and no immediate deadlines loom. It makes me sad though, and I notice myself second-guessing myself - whether I can drop round and say hi out of curiosity, or whether that would be a Bad Idea.

Maybe I need to go cold turkey. This holiday should help as it's an enforced absence. However, these last few days beforehand are torture. I find myself staring out of the window wondering if she's around. For all I know she may have already left.

AcidCat

Fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

--Fix you - Coldplay

Testing times

Finally finished exams for the year (one went ok, one went not so well, we'll see how it goes when the results get posted just after Xmas).

It's a really weird feeling to go from working at full speed and constantly needing to be somewhere or do something, to not really having to do anything urgently. I've had a lot of fun since my exams ended on Wednesday lunchtime, but haven't really achieved anything, despite needing to get lots of admin done. It's a sign I need the pressure to achieve. That was clear with my revision - the four days I had available, the first 3 days I procrastinated a lot, and the fourth day was a solid cramming session. If I'd worked as hard over all 4 days as I did for the final day, I think that I would have done considerably better in the Xmas exams. If I'd worked that hard all term, I would have a near perfect exam paper, but be the wrong side of mental and physical collapse, so non-ideal.

Anyway, I'm not really in the mood to blog right now, so I'm going to stop there. I do have more to say, so I may be back soon if I get in the zone.

AcidCat

It's Xmas!

Had my flat Xmas dinner today.

We had:
Prawn cocktail
Pigs in blanket (sausage wrapped in bacon)
Roast turkey crown with onion gravy
Roast parsnips
Roast potatoes
Roast sage and onion stuffing balls
Mashed sweet potato
Brussels Sprouts
Carrots
Viennetta icecream
Yule log
Tiramisu
(Didn't manage to squeeze in the mince pies).

The others drank mulled and fizzy wine (Cava). I had a more civilised gin and tonic.

It was fantastic.

I haven't done much work at all today, but I've had a brilliant day.

This work life balance thing has swung too far towards the "life" side of things. However, I think I'm now happy, which counts for a hell of a lot, and I've now also got "the fear", so from now until the exam, I think my work rate will increase markedly.

It was quite good fun to cook the turkey and trimmings (which went quite well), and we had so much fun cooking together as a flat and having dinner together. It was lovely to feel like I belonged, which is a rare thing for me, and something I've really wanted for a long time, even if it's for a short period.

I'm happy.

AcidCat

World Aids Week

It's World Aids Week this week. Go give some money towards helping stop the spread of HIV and improve work on finding a cure/vaccine/treatment. Show your support with a red ribbon.

A tutor today spoke of a friend who came to visit him from abroad during World Aids Week in a previous year. He didn't realise that the red ribbon was to show support - he thought it was something that sufferers wore... he almost had a heart attack as he thought it was present in the UK in epidemic proportions!

If you're not a sufferer of HIV, you're very lucky. AIDS is a horrible condition. Do what you can to help.

AcidCat