So there's a good chance I will never have the one that I love. But I got two little lifts today from some friends.
Unexpectedly, one of my flatmates bought me an advent calendar. He bought one for each of us, just because one of my international flatmates hadn't heard of them before. I'm not a huge fan of these commercial knick-knacks (I'm not even a huge chocolate fan), but just the action made me feel more loved.
Also spent a while chatting to a different friend. It was a nice feeling, as she confided some stuff to me, and I told her stuff that I don't tend to open up about. It's nice to feel trusted and to have someone you can trust.
I just need to get the work back on track, and then things will be good again.
AcidCat
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Please don't wake me
Having enough sleep helps for with my depression. I woke up early this morning, and felt depressed. I had that sick feeling in my stomach for no reason, and could just think about the fact I'm not likely to ever have the wonderful one for myself.
I managed to fall asleep and woke up later at about half nine, and felt a lot better. I love to sleep, and it's something I miss since starting this course as I feel perpetually tired. Need to work hard today so I can get some sleep tonight...
AcidCat
I managed to fall asleep and woke up later at about half nine, and felt a lot better. I love to sleep, and it's something I miss since starting this course as I feel perpetually tired. Need to work hard today so I can get some sleep tonight...
AcidCat
Thank God it's Friday.
I'm so glad I've got to Friday in (pretty much) one piece. I've been exhausted and it's been such hard going so far. Working late and struggling to keep up in lectures. I feel like I've been sprinting for a little bit too long, and I can't keep it going. However, with exams in less than two weeks, I don't have the luxury of taking it easy and recovering.
Anyway, I was lucky enough to spend a fair amount of time with the wonderful one who has stolen my heart today. I got to spend a one hour coffee-break between lectures with her and two other friends and she organised a little DVD evening with three other friends that I was invited to.
I still have a lot of fun by hanging out with her, but I'm still getting tongue-tied around her. She's made it so very clear that she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, and certainly never with anyone she's working with - so often that I wonder if she knows how I feel about her. It's a bit frustrating. It should make me feel better, let me put her to the back of her mind, try and be her friend but instead I want her, but I can't have her. I can't put her out of my mind, and it doesn't help that I want to be around her. It's pretty sad as I don't feel this way about many people. I felt this way about my ex, but I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with her and thought I'd have a "happy ever after" with her.
It's sad. I seem to be a master of unrequited love. People want to find their place in life and the person they are meant to be with. I think that's the key to happiness.
On the "facebook" status pages of friends (I've started using facebook a little more - another thing to add to my list of procrastinations) I saw something beautiful and poetic written by a friend who I don't associate with art.
"[Friend] thinks that [place] shrouded in nighttime fog might be the most beautiful thing in the world. He just wishes he had had someone to share it with though."
I do think that is the answer. One is a lonely number. If you're lucky enough to be in a two, please remember how lucky you are. However, if you're in a two that isn't right - please do something about it sooner than later. The pain is going to get worse, both for you and them.
Goodnight
AcidCat
Anyway, I was lucky enough to spend a fair amount of time with the wonderful one who has stolen my heart today. I got to spend a one hour coffee-break between lectures with her and two other friends and she organised a little DVD evening with three other friends that I was invited to.
I still have a lot of fun by hanging out with her, but I'm still getting tongue-tied around her. She's made it so very clear that she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, and certainly never with anyone she's working with - so often that I wonder if she knows how I feel about her. It's a bit frustrating. It should make me feel better, let me put her to the back of her mind, try and be her friend but instead I want her, but I can't have her. I can't put her out of my mind, and it doesn't help that I want to be around her. It's pretty sad as I don't feel this way about many people. I felt this way about my ex, but I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with her and thought I'd have a "happy ever after" with her.
It's sad. I seem to be a master of unrequited love. People want to find their place in life and the person they are meant to be with. I think that's the key to happiness.
On the "facebook" status pages of friends (I've started using facebook a little more - another thing to add to my list of procrastinations) I saw something beautiful and poetic written by a friend who I don't associate with art.
"[Friend] thinks that [place] shrouded in nighttime fog might be the most beautiful thing in the world. He just wishes he had had someone to share it with though."
I do think that is the answer. One is a lonely number. If you're lucky enough to be in a two, please remember how lucky you are. However, if you're in a two that isn't right - please do something about it sooner than later. The pain is going to get worse, both for you and them.
Goodnight
AcidCat
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Will you please make up your mind??
From BBC news website
"Cut in VAT leaves shoppers cold"
Summary: The drop in VAT from 17.5% to 15% is too small to make a difference to people. Not a big enough cut.
"VAT rise 'dropped just days ago'"
Summary: The government were considering raising VAT from 17.5% to 18.5%. Tories say this is shocking "a secret tax bombshell".
I'm not the biggest fan of the Labour government (far from it actually), but this does seem a little unfair to me. How is a 2.5% tax cut too small to make a difference to people, when a potential 1% tax rise on the same thing considered to be a really bad thing which is going to really affect people and their spending?
So much for the Tory pledge for "an end to Punch and Judy politics". This is one reason of many I just don't trust the tories and won't touch them with a barge pole. As I've said before, the only thing that would make me vote for them would be as a tactical vote to keep the BNP out.
AcidCat
"Cut in VAT leaves shoppers cold"
Summary: The drop in VAT from 17.5% to 15% is too small to make a difference to people. Not a big enough cut.
"VAT rise 'dropped just days ago'"
Summary: The government were considering raising VAT from 17.5% to 18.5%. Tories say this is shocking "a secret tax bombshell".
I'm not the biggest fan of the Labour government (far from it actually), but this does seem a little unfair to me. How is a 2.5% tax cut too small to make a difference to people, when a potential 1% tax rise on the same thing considered to be a really bad thing which is going to really affect people and their spending?
So much for the Tory pledge for "an end to Punch and Judy politics". This is one reason of many I just don't trust the tories and won't touch them with a barge pole. As I've said before, the only thing that would make me vote for them would be as a tactical vote to keep the BNP out.
AcidCat
Monday, November 24, 2008
Work-life imbalance
Hi everyone,
I've been really struggling with this whole work-life balancing act at the moment. I'm finding it very hard to focus in on work, exemplified by the fact that it's gone mimdnight on Sunday night / Monday morning and I'm currently blogging and not doing the work due in for tomorrow (which I've spent the weekend not doing). I've been itching to blog today though, so I can't avoid it. For once, I actually have things to say, so I need to come on here.
I've spent the day with a friend from my days of my PhD. She will always have a special place in my heart as she was one of the people I leaned on heavily when my relationship ended and I fell. She gave me so much of her time even though we didn't actually know each other that well - I just bothered her because it felt right and I knew she was a good person and lovely and patient. I took her for lunch as a little thank you, and we went for Dim Sum. I think she seemed to enjoy it. but she's so polite and kind that I don't think that she'd admit to not liking it. (I get the impression she didn't like the chicken's feet though... not a surprise).
We tried to spend most of the day inside as the poor thing was going down with a cold (in addition to the pair of black eyes she was sporting from receiving a hockey stick to the face last week in a particularly violent match). We went for milkshakes in the Trocadero, and then went to play arcade games after we saw a Time Crisis 4 machine (I really know how to show a girl a good time don't I). Afterwards, we went to Covent Garden for a little wander (she introduced me to a lovely T-shirt shop called David and Goliath with some pretty cool designs - I especially liked the "You rock, you rule" one). We decided to round off the day with a drink. As it started raining and I didn't know the area terribly well, we ended up in a pub out of convenience... turned out it was a gay pub with a rather loud transvestite cabaret singer putting on a show... It was quite fun, but not an ideal end of evening chat before we head off establishment.
Honestly, she visits her other friend the previous day - gets taken round an art gallery, and a theatre to see the mousetrap and a nice restaurant... next day she gets stuck with me, and ends up playing geeky computer games (I now know not to piss her off if she's got a gun, she's a pretty good shot and enthusiastic with it too!) going to a gay pub and being fed chicken's feet... I'm classy aren't I...
I had so much fun with her. There is no chemistry between us, but it did make me wonder... I think I could happily spend the rest of my life with her (if she could put up with me too). She's really cool and I think we could be very good for each other. Thing is though, I don't think we're interested in each other, and we make good friends. It emphasized the difference that love makes though... the way I feel about the amazing one is just a world apart (despite the similarity that I'm friends with both of them, and I don't think either are interested in me romatically (sigh)).
Anyway, I digress. This girl is also awesome (just in a different way). I don't know if I've given her a nickname before, so I'll choose one now - trying to decide out of khaki combat or garage girl. Garage girl seems to sound better, so she's lumbered with that one now. Anyway, garage girl makes me sad that there is no karma - she's such a good person and seems to be really unlucky. I really want life to go well for her - she's such a good person and a fantastic friend.
Garage girl - if you ever read this: thanks again for being there for me when I needed you. I have no idea why you put up with me. I genuinely think you're amazingly awesome and you should go and grab life by the horns... you've got something incredible to give.
Love to you all - better get down to this work.
AcidCat
I've been really struggling with this whole work-life balancing act at the moment. I'm finding it very hard to focus in on work, exemplified by the fact that it's gone mimdnight on Sunday night / Monday morning and I'm currently blogging and not doing the work due in for tomorrow (which I've spent the weekend not doing). I've been itching to blog today though, so I can't avoid it. For once, I actually have things to say, so I need to come on here.
I've spent the day with a friend from my days of my PhD. She will always have a special place in my heart as she was one of the people I leaned on heavily when my relationship ended and I fell. She gave me so much of her time even though we didn't actually know each other that well - I just bothered her because it felt right and I knew she was a good person and lovely and patient. I took her for lunch as a little thank you, and we went for Dim Sum. I think she seemed to enjoy it. but she's so polite and kind that I don't think that she'd admit to not liking it. (I get the impression she didn't like the chicken's feet though... not a surprise).
We tried to spend most of the day inside as the poor thing was going down with a cold (in addition to the pair of black eyes she was sporting from receiving a hockey stick to the face last week in a particularly violent match). We went for milkshakes in the Trocadero, and then went to play arcade games after we saw a Time Crisis 4 machine (I really know how to show a girl a good time don't I). Afterwards, we went to Covent Garden for a little wander (she introduced me to a lovely T-shirt shop called David and Goliath with some pretty cool designs - I especially liked the "You rock, you rule" one). We decided to round off the day with a drink. As it started raining and I didn't know the area terribly well, we ended up in a pub out of convenience... turned out it was a gay pub with a rather loud transvestite cabaret singer putting on a show... It was quite fun, but not an ideal end of evening chat before we head off establishment.
Honestly, she visits her other friend the previous day - gets taken round an art gallery, and a theatre to see the mousetrap and a nice restaurant... next day she gets stuck with me, and ends up playing geeky computer games (I now know not to piss her off if she's got a gun, she's a pretty good shot and enthusiastic with it too!) going to a gay pub and being fed chicken's feet... I'm classy aren't I...
I had so much fun with her. There is no chemistry between us, but it did make me wonder... I think I could happily spend the rest of my life with her (if she could put up with me too). She's really cool and I think we could be very good for each other. Thing is though, I don't think we're interested in each other, and we make good friends. It emphasized the difference that love makes though... the way I feel about the amazing one is just a world apart (despite the similarity that I'm friends with both of them, and I don't think either are interested in me romatically (sigh)).
Anyway, I digress. This girl is also awesome (just in a different way). I don't know if I've given her a nickname before, so I'll choose one now - trying to decide out of khaki combat or garage girl. Garage girl seems to sound better, so she's lumbered with that one now. Anyway, garage girl makes me sad that there is no karma - she's such a good person and seems to be really unlucky. I really want life to go well for her - she's such a good person and a fantastic friend.
Garage girl - if you ever read this: thanks again for being there for me when I needed you. I have no idea why you put up with me. I genuinely think you're amazingly awesome and you should go and grab life by the horns... you've got something incredible to give.
Love to you all - better get down to this work.
AcidCat
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Stars look different today
I woke up early this morning, around 5am.
I regularly woke up early when I was suffering the symptoms of depression. I'd wake up feeling alone, feeling despair, feeling bleak. Today though, although I feel a bit annoyed that I couldn't get back to sleep, I looked out of my window, saw the lights over the golf course which looked like little stars, and thought that the world looks beautiful.
Life is good. I saw my folks last night and they took me out to dinner. I'm also going to see an old friend (to whom I owe a lot) today. It may well be the last time, so I'm really hoping we have fun today. It would be even nicer if we don't lose touch, but I'm feeling lucky for having met her and being able to call her friend.
I'm going to try and have a little nap as I don't need to be awake for another two hours...
Goodnight (good morning!)
AcidCat
I regularly woke up early when I was suffering the symptoms of depression. I'd wake up feeling alone, feeling despair, feeling bleak. Today though, although I feel a bit annoyed that I couldn't get back to sleep, I looked out of my window, saw the lights over the golf course which looked like little stars, and thought that the world looks beautiful.
Life is good. I saw my folks last night and they took me out to dinner. I'm also going to see an old friend (to whom I owe a lot) today. It may well be the last time, so I'm really hoping we have fun today. It would be even nicer if we don't lose touch, but I'm feeling lucky for having met her and being able to call her friend.
I'm going to try and have a little nap as I don't need to be awake for another two hours...
Goodnight (good morning!)
AcidCat
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Love is the high not the pill
I have had a fab day today!
I got through the tutorial session today in one piece, despite not having done enough work and having stayed up half the night trying to get as much possible done.
I went to an enjoyable extra lecture that was much more entertaining. It was about the genetic links associated with behavioural disorders. It's always more interesting going to lectures that are non-compulsory and that you don't need to take notes for. A huge unexpected bonus of the lecture actually was that the incredible one turned up to it so I had a few minutes of chatting to her, and got to sit next to her for the hour.
It made the lecture hour more enjoyable, but I couldn't pay as much attention to the lecture. I just got easily distracted. She was exhausted and kept falling asleep, and I kept finding myself just watching her sleep (which in retrospect disturbs me a little as I'm worried that's the action of a stalker). She's so beautiful, and she looked so peaceful while she slept.
We got chatting and we're going out to a market in London next week if it's still there. She emphasized it's not a date (as she's had problems with this already since starting here at uni) as she's not looking to go out with anyone. Still, she's so wonderful, just to spend time with her and be around is just fantastic. It's also good to know, as I was currently trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out and had planned to do it at the end of time just before Xmas, so I can save myself the terror and stress. Hopefully it'll help me try and act normally around her and just relax and enjoy being with her, instead of thinking how fantastic she is.
I'm wittering now. Although I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling tired and not very coherent, so I'm going to go to bed now.
Goodnight!
AcidCat
I got through the tutorial session today in one piece, despite not having done enough work and having stayed up half the night trying to get as much possible done.
I went to an enjoyable extra lecture that was much more entertaining. It was about the genetic links associated with behavioural disorders. It's always more interesting going to lectures that are non-compulsory and that you don't need to take notes for. A huge unexpected bonus of the lecture actually was that the incredible one turned up to it so I had a few minutes of chatting to her, and got to sit next to her for the hour.
It made the lecture hour more enjoyable, but I couldn't pay as much attention to the lecture. I just got easily distracted. She was exhausted and kept falling asleep, and I kept finding myself just watching her sleep (which in retrospect disturbs me a little as I'm worried that's the action of a stalker). She's so beautiful, and she looked so peaceful while she slept.
We got chatting and we're going out to a market in London next week if it's still there. She emphasized it's not a date (as she's had problems with this already since starting here at uni) as she's not looking to go out with anyone. Still, she's so wonderful, just to spend time with her and be around is just fantastic. It's also good to know, as I was currently trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out and had planned to do it at the end of time just before Xmas, so I can save myself the terror and stress. Hopefully it'll help me try and act normally around her and just relax and enjoy being with her, instead of thinking how fantastic she is.
I'm wittering now. Although I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling tired and not very coherent, so I'm going to go to bed now.
Goodnight!
AcidCat
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Confidence boost
I had a wonderful morning at the GP surgery today! I got to see a whole host of interesting patients, including some pregnant ladies (whose urine I was allowed to dipstick), and people with diabetes, migraine, stress related problems, anaemia, and lots more. I only was asked to leave the room twice, and I could understand why for both times.
I really got an understanding of how difficult the work of a GP was. The amount of ground you have to cover in a short 10 minute appointment is incredible, and in addition to being there to look after the medical well being of the patient, you're looking after their mental and emotional health, and acting as a confidant and counsellor and social worker. I was drained after a morning there, and I wasn't even doing the work (and my GP still had an afternoon and evening surgery to run).
It was a fantastic experience, but I was overawed by what GPs had to do, and I already felt that my clinical skills weren't up to the task, so I made some comment to the GP that I felt that I didn't have a future in clinical medicine and certainly not as a GP, having seen how difficult it was, especially with such a short consultation time. She passed on one of the nicest compliments that I've received since I've got here.
The first week that we were sitting in on the GP surgery it was to observe hearing impaired patients. We were lucky enough to see two very different hearing impaired patients, different both in terms of how they had developed deafness and how they were managing with it. As I was really nervous, I thought I had made an appalling impression on both the patients and the GP. However, the GP passed on a message from the first hearing impaired patient that she felt that I had the best empathy and listening skills out of the entire group and felt that I would make an excellent doctor because I developed a good rapport. This was a huge confidence boost, and I was flattered that this had come from a patient without prompting. I left the surgery feeling fired up, and feeling that I could achieve.
That was the good part of the day. I'm afraid to report that I haven't managed to do much this afternoon, as I tried to take a one hour nap which I slept through the alarm for, and woke up 3 hours later. It might be a long night ahead trying to learn about the liver...
AcidCat
I really got an understanding of how difficult the work of a GP was. The amount of ground you have to cover in a short 10 minute appointment is incredible, and in addition to being there to look after the medical well being of the patient, you're looking after their mental and emotional health, and acting as a confidant and counsellor and social worker. I was drained after a morning there, and I wasn't even doing the work (and my GP still had an afternoon and evening surgery to run).
It was a fantastic experience, but I was overawed by what GPs had to do, and I already felt that my clinical skills weren't up to the task, so I made some comment to the GP that I felt that I didn't have a future in clinical medicine and certainly not as a GP, having seen how difficult it was, especially with such a short consultation time. She passed on one of the nicest compliments that I've received since I've got here.
The first week that we were sitting in on the GP surgery it was to observe hearing impaired patients. We were lucky enough to see two very different hearing impaired patients, different both in terms of how they had developed deafness and how they were managing with it. As I was really nervous, I thought I had made an appalling impression on both the patients and the GP. However, the GP passed on a message from the first hearing impaired patient that she felt that I had the best empathy and listening skills out of the entire group and felt that I would make an excellent doctor because I developed a good rapport. This was a huge confidence boost, and I was flattered that this had come from a patient without prompting. I left the surgery feeling fired up, and feeling that I could achieve.
That was the good part of the day. I'm afraid to report that I haven't managed to do much this afternoon, as I tried to take a one hour nap which I slept through the alarm for, and woke up 3 hours later. It might be a long night ahead trying to learn about the liver...
AcidCat
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Feeling good
I'm feeling good.
I'm trying to discover the work-life balance equation, at the moment now, I'm spending too much time procrastinating and having fun, and too little time actually working. Need to focus. On the other hand, I feel happier now than I have in a long time, and that counts for a hell of a lot.
I'm sending messages to someone else who I met on a web forum and talking about depression. They're struggling and their story sounds very similar to mine a while ago. I hope they're alright, and I hope that I'm helping.
I need to get some sleep as the work won't sink in otherwise.
Goodnight
AcidCat
I'm trying to discover the work-life balance equation, at the moment now, I'm spending too much time procrastinating and having fun, and too little time actually working. Need to focus. On the other hand, I feel happier now than I have in a long time, and that counts for a hell of a lot.
I'm sending messages to someone else who I met on a web forum and talking about depression. They're struggling and their story sounds very similar to mine a while ago. I hope they're alright, and I hope that I'm helping.
I need to get some sleep as the work won't sink in otherwise.
Goodnight
AcidCat
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Every breath you take
Lack of sleep has finally caught up with me. Two days of working late into the evening has reared its head. I managed to sleep through countless alarms and wake up very late, just finally skidding into the dissection room on time by cutting down heavily on my morning routine. Lectures were a painful experience, with my low concentration, even though the lecturers were good, and lectures were interesting.
Big plus point today was the wonderful one gave me a late birthday present. She was a little annoyed that I'd kept it all a secret beforehand, and got me a gift. She's so lovely. It's a little silly book, but I love it so much just because of who it's from. She also said something that she really liked the small gift I got for her birthday, which gave me a wonderful, warm feeling.
Sadly I haven't really had a chance to speak to her or be with her today. My feelings for her do worry me sometimes. I think I love her, I really want her to be happy, almost more than anything else. I also really want her for myself, but am terrified about trying to take things any further, in case I hurt her, or she breaks my heart badly. Also I don't want to ruin our friendship, not that we're super-close at the moment (partly due to my awkwardness around girls I really like), but it would really sadden me hugely if I lost her from my life entirely.
On an incidental note, where is the line between being a stalker and being nice? It's something I've wrestled with, about whether I could get her a birthday cake/gift and the extent of the gift I could get. But how much time can I get away with spending with her? Can I get away with dropping by her flat on a whim? I've constantly got to keep myself from doing stuff just on the off-chance that she might be there - those actions lead to madness...
I'm off to bed, so have a good evening, and have a good weekend.
AcidCat
Big plus point today was the wonderful one gave me a late birthday present. She was a little annoyed that I'd kept it all a secret beforehand, and got me a gift. She's so lovely. It's a little silly book, but I love it so much just because of who it's from. She also said something that she really liked the small gift I got for her birthday, which gave me a wonderful, warm feeling.
Sadly I haven't really had a chance to speak to her or be with her today. My feelings for her do worry me sometimes. I think I love her, I really want her to be happy, almost more than anything else. I also really want her for myself, but am terrified about trying to take things any further, in case I hurt her, or she breaks my heart badly. Also I don't want to ruin our friendship, not that we're super-close at the moment (partly due to my awkwardness around girls I really like), but it would really sadden me hugely if I lost her from my life entirely.
On an incidental note, where is the line between being a stalker and being nice? It's something I've wrestled with, about whether I could get her a birthday cake/gift and the extent of the gift I could get. But how much time can I get away with spending with her? Can I get away with dropping by her flat on a whim? I've constantly got to keep myself from doing stuff just on the off-chance that she might be there - those actions lead to madness...
I'm off to bed, so have a good evening, and have a good weekend.
AcidCat
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm no superman
I can't do this all on my own,
'Cause I'm no superman.
--(Scrubs Theme) Lazlo Bane - Superman.
Just listening to Radio 1 (rare occurrence as I dislike the tiny playlist and most of the moronic DJs, but have a bit of a soft spot for some of the evening DJs like Colin Murray) while doing my last minute tutorial work for tomorrow, and the Lazlo Bane - Superman song came on. I'm not a huge fan of the song, but hearing it gave me a little lift, due to the happy association with Scrubs. I love Scrubs, and while I was having my little mental breakdown due to the romantic break-up "Scrubs" was one of the things which kept me going (My little highlight of the day on E4). Anyway, although I'm tired and still a long way from finishing, it's just given me a small push towards the finish line (as soon as I've finished this blog post).
I'm very behind tonight as I was ill last week, and instead of just going straight into this week's work, I decided to start with the work I missed from last week (as last week was the basic "innate" immune system and this week is the "adaptive" immune system). It's now coming up to midnight, and I'm about ready to start on this weeks work... In retrospect, that might not have been the right decision. My body is reaching its limits. I tried working late yesterday, but it hit 10pm, I decided to sleep for one hour and get up and work again, so setting my alarm for 11pm, I was slightly dismayed to wake up at 7:30 am after my body conspired against me and refused steadfastly to wake up. Fatigue has caught up with me.
On the plus side, I'm feeling positive about life. And the exam that I thought I had done very badly on, I actually passed solidly. In fact, I managed to do better than average. The paper was difficult (pass mark 43%), and I scored 67% on the science section (average 56%), and 71% overall (average 59%). I'm absolutely thrilled, but need to work very hard to make sure I score just as well for the real thing in December.
Lets go and learn some medicine!
AcidCat
Monday, November 10, 2008
Higher and higher
It's a slightly strange feeling, but things seem to be going so well at the moment. My mood is brilliant, even though I haven't done enough work, and I don't understand the work well enough, it isn't bothering me.
When life is going well, things just seem that much easier to manage. I think some people who don't suffer from depression can't really understand how hard it is when you're depressed to just keep going on an even keel and think positive. I mentioned how shocking I found it about the lack of sympathy for depression showed by my classmates: the doctors of the near future. I think it can be hard to grasp until you've been there, and sadly I'm not eloquent enough to express it to them.
Anyway, just a quicky. Had a lovely dinner with some of my ex-lab mates from my previous life as a PhD student. They very kindly bought me dinner which was very touching, and it was brilliant to catch up with them and see them so happy. It's funny how people stay the same in certain ways.
Am learning all about the very complex human immune system. Have got a very good book, which aims to be a nice, simple introduction called "How the immune system works" by Lauren Sompayrac. It is fantastically clear and easy for beginners, but I do find the casual language he uses slightly over the top. I'm really enjoying it though, and I'm saddened that there aren't more medical text books written in such a clear, simple, introductory manner... there is a gap in the market out there!
Anyway, back to the immune system. It's thrilling to actually start understanding what antibodies, B cells, T cells and all the other bits with the immune system really are!
AcidCat
When life is going well, things just seem that much easier to manage. I think some people who don't suffer from depression can't really understand how hard it is when you're depressed to just keep going on an even keel and think positive. I mentioned how shocking I found it about the lack of sympathy for depression showed by my classmates: the doctors of the near future. I think it can be hard to grasp until you've been there, and sadly I'm not eloquent enough to express it to them.
Anyway, just a quicky. Had a lovely dinner with some of my ex-lab mates from my previous life as a PhD student. They very kindly bought me dinner which was very touching, and it was brilliant to catch up with them and see them so happy. It's funny how people stay the same in certain ways.
Am learning all about the very complex human immune system. Have got a very good book, which aims to be a nice, simple introduction called "How the immune system works" by Lauren Sompayrac. It is fantastically clear and easy for beginners, but I do find the casual language he uses slightly over the top. I'm really enjoying it though, and I'm saddened that there aren't more medical text books written in such a clear, simple, introductory manner... there is a gap in the market out there!
Anyway, back to the immune system. It's thrilling to actually start understanding what antibodies, B cells, T cells and all the other bits with the immune system really are!
AcidCat
Sunday, November 09, 2008
I should be so lucky
I got taken out for lunch by my family today, to celebrate my birthday. I had a fantastic, amazing time. It was wonderful to see my beloved family, who are so kind and lovely to me. They also bought me some amazing, incredible gifts, which really was the icing on the cake. On my desired gift list (See Birthday wish list - November 5 post), they bought me clothes and a DAB radio (which was hugely unexpected and equally hugely appreciated), and tasty food too.
The fact they bought me gifts off my gift list made me have a look at that blog post. The post was meant tongue-in-cheek, to have a list of things that I really wanted but knew I wouldn't be able to have, and then frivolously and facetiously list a few of the material goods which would be nice. However, reading the list made me realise that I had been given quite a few things off them.
Nothing at all has happened with the points to do with love and my current obsession. Similarly, I haven't had a huge financial windfall either. However, the kindness of my flatmates and some of the people on my course has made me realise that the world is a kinder place than I thought. I feel I do have a group of friends who do care about me (tick), and that means I (slightly) fit in (tick). I've been riding such a high since my friends threw the party, that I haven't been feeling depressed (tick). I don't know if I should be doing chemistry or medicine, but the way the guys have made me feel has made me more keen on staying around to give medicine a chance, so I'll count that as a success.
Basically, I'm feeling so amazingly lucky. I have such a wonderful family, I'm starting to feel like I have friends, and I'm feeling happy. Life is good.
AcidCat
The fact they bought me gifts off my gift list made me have a look at that blog post. The post was meant tongue-in-cheek, to have a list of things that I really wanted but knew I wouldn't be able to have, and then frivolously and facetiously list a few of the material goods which would be nice. However, reading the list made me realise that I had been given quite a few things off them.
Nothing at all has happened with the points to do with love and my current obsession. Similarly, I haven't had a huge financial windfall either. However, the kindness of my flatmates and some of the people on my course has made me realise that the world is a kinder place than I thought. I feel I do have a group of friends who do care about me (tick), and that means I (slightly) fit in (tick). I've been riding such a high since my friends threw the party, that I haven't been feeling depressed (tick). I don't know if I should be doing chemistry or medicine, but the way the guys have made me feel has made me more keen on staying around to give medicine a chance, so I'll count that as a success.
Basically, I'm feeling so amazingly lucky. I have such a wonderful family, I'm starting to feel like I have friends, and I'm feeling happy. Life is good.
AcidCat
Saturday, November 08, 2008
What a wonderful world
Hello everybody!
It may be largely down to the amazing evening I had last night putting me on a bit of a high, but the world just seems like a better place today. As proof I'm quoting a BBC news article I read this morning.
Life is good
AcidCat
Thief sent 'sorry' letter to shop
The owner of an Indian food store in Bristol has received a apology letter and £100 from a former drug addict who stole cigarettes from the shop in 2001.
Imran Ahmed, 27, who runs Raja Foods in St Marks Road, Easton, said he was stunned to open the remorseful letter.
It begins: "Dear Sirs, I am writing this letter to make amends to you for something I have done in the past."
Mr Ahmed said the thief's change of heart was "really good" and intends to give the money to a drugs' charity.
The night-time raid left Mr Ahmed with a broken shutter and windows.
Make amends
The thief's letter continues: "About seven years ago I was walking past your shop late one night when I noticed that someone had broken into it.
"I used this opportunity to enter your shop where I stole 400 cigarettes. The money enclosed (£100) is to pay for those cigarettes which I stole from you.
"At that time I was heavily using drugs and my life was in a mess, now I no longer use drugs and I strive to lead a decent and honest life.
"As part of my ongoing recovery I try to put right all of the wrongs I have done in the past, at least where I can, and this is why I am giving you back the money which I stole from you.
"I regret the harm I caused you in the past and I sincerely apologise to you for it.
"I was very wrong to do this and I hope that returning the money will make up for this harm, at least in some small way."
It may be largely down to the amazing evening I had last night putting me on a bit of a high, but the world just seems like a better place today. As proof I'm quoting a BBC news article I read this morning.
Life is good
AcidCat
Thief sent 'sorry' letter to shop
The owner of an Indian food store in Bristol has received a apology letter and £100 from a former drug addict who stole cigarettes from the shop in 2001.
Imran Ahmed, 27, who runs Raja Foods in St Marks Road, Easton, said he was stunned to open the remorseful letter.
It begins: "Dear Sirs, I am writing this letter to make amends to you for something I have done in the past."
Mr Ahmed said the thief's change of heart was "really good" and intends to give the money to a drugs' charity.
The night-time raid left Mr Ahmed with a broken shutter and windows.
Make amends
The thief's letter continues: "About seven years ago I was walking past your shop late one night when I noticed that someone had broken into it.
"I used this opportunity to enter your shop where I stole 400 cigarettes. The money enclosed (£100) is to pay for those cigarettes which I stole from you.
"At that time I was heavily using drugs and my life was in a mess, now I no longer use drugs and I strive to lead a decent and honest life.
"As part of my ongoing recovery I try to put right all of the wrongs I have done in the past, at least where I can, and this is why I am giving you back the money which I stole from you.
"I regret the harm I caused you in the past and I sincerely apologise to you for it.
"I was very wrong to do this and I hope that returning the money will make up for this harm, at least in some small way."
Overwhelmed
Wow. I'm a bit overwhelmed.
I'm on a new course, and really felt like I didn't fit in. I hadn't mentioned to the people around me about my birthday as I didn't really want to make a big deal about it. This was mainly so I didn't get disappointed when people would blow me out.
Instead, this evening, I found out my amazing flatmates found out my birthday on Facebook, and threw me a small surprise party and invited some of my course-mates to come along. This was a huge surprise, partly because of the party but partly because I don't think I've really had this kind of thing happen to me before. I don't know if any of my friends have ever organised a surprise party for me (except my ex), so it's a really amazing feeling to think that friends care about you so much that they'll do something like that for you.
Seriously, it was a birthday present that I wasn't expecting and found truly overwhelming. I didn't know what to do or how to act. Words truly failed me. It left me in shock.
In that one act, they made this place seem a lot less cold, and made me feel like I fit in much better. A birthday present that money couldn't buy. I couldn't believe that I had been given the gift of all these people's time and care. Where I was expecting to spend the evening of my birthday quietly on my own, I ended up having a really interesting evening feeling like I was part of some people's lives. For a rare change, I felt part of something bigger, that I wasn't just an insignificant thing who didn't have a purpose or place.
For a while, I felt like I was accepted.
Thank you everyone. Everyone who turned up tonight, thank you so much. And to all of those of you who helped organise this (especially my amazing flatmates) - I love you all. I mean that, deeply. I'm grateful to you in a way that will sound hollow with words.
Thank you
AcidCat
I'm on a new course, and really felt like I didn't fit in. I hadn't mentioned to the people around me about my birthday as I didn't really want to make a big deal about it. This was mainly so I didn't get disappointed when people would blow me out.
Instead, this evening, I found out my amazing flatmates found out my birthday on Facebook, and threw me a small surprise party and invited some of my course-mates to come along. This was a huge surprise, partly because of the party but partly because I don't think I've really had this kind of thing happen to me before. I don't know if any of my friends have ever organised a surprise party for me (except my ex), so it's a really amazing feeling to think that friends care about you so much that they'll do something like that for you.
Seriously, it was a birthday present that I wasn't expecting and found truly overwhelming. I didn't know what to do or how to act. Words truly failed me. It left me in shock.
In that one act, they made this place seem a lot less cold, and made me feel like I fit in much better. A birthday present that money couldn't buy. I couldn't believe that I had been given the gift of all these people's time and care. Where I was expecting to spend the evening of my birthday quietly on my own, I ended up having a really interesting evening feeling like I was part of some people's lives. For a rare change, I felt part of something bigger, that I wasn't just an insignificant thing who didn't have a purpose or place.
For a while, I felt like I was accepted.
Thank you everyone. Everyone who turned up tonight, thank you so much. And to all of those of you who helped organise this (especially my amazing flatmates) - I love you all. I mean that, deeply. I'm grateful to you in a way that will sound hollow with words.
Thank you
AcidCat
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Birthday wish list
It's my birthday this week and for my birthday I would like:
- To find my place in this world (the place where I feel like I fit in).
- A group of friends who actually seem to care about me.
- To recover from depression without medication.
- To be more confident and outgoing.
- For my grandma to get better and my mum to feel happier.
- To know whether I should be studying medicine or should go back to chemistry.
- To have requited love (ideally with the amazing one).
- To just spend more time with the amazing one.
- To win an obscene amount of money so I can start funding some of my secret world-changing plans.
- To understand and "do" hypnosis (I've been trying self-hypnosis and don't know if it's working).
- To live in a world where people get what they deserve (a sort of fast-acting karma).
And if I can't have any of the above, clothes, a dictaphone or a digital radio would be nice.
- To find my place in this world (the place where I feel like I fit in).
- A group of friends who actually seem to care about me.
- To recover from depression without medication.
- To be more confident and outgoing.
- For my grandma to get better and my mum to feel happier.
- To know whether I should be studying medicine or should go back to chemistry.
- To have requited love (ideally with the amazing one).
- To just spend more time with the amazing one.
- To win an obscene amount of money so I can start funding some of my secret world-changing plans.
- To understand and "do" hypnosis (I've been trying self-hypnosis and don't know if it's working).
- To live in a world where people get what they deserve (a sort of fast-acting karma).
And if I can't have any of the above, clothes, a dictaphone or a digital radio would be nice.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Life sucks
When you're ill, (even with just a cold) and your alone and lonely, with no-one to look after you and no-one to care about you, life really sucks.
AcidCat
AcidCat
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Destiny's Child
From the excellent "Girl vs Pig" webcomic, issue 222
I've spent a lot of time today (when I should have been working) wondering why the hell I'm here at medical school. It's really hard work, and I don't think I'm a natural at it. I'm not in the lucky position of some of my friends who are desperate to become a doctor and it's their dream job. I could (probably) find work as a chemist and it would pay pretty damn well, would give me a reasonably fulfilling, challenging occupation and would scratch my itch to learn science.
I'm slightly worried that I'm the girl in the "Girl vs. Pig" comic above, bouncing from one situation to the next, not really knowing what to do. Just doing whatever takes my fancy until I get bored of it and all of the hard work goes to waste.
However, one thing I've been wondering is: am I destined to be a doctor? Not saying it would necessarily be the right decision anyway, but it made me wonder. I had been dabbling with the idea of studying medicine on and off between finishing my first degree and throughout the PhD... One inspiration was a chance meeting with one of my labmates in the computer room one day, and I saw her looking at a website about joining this course. I hadn't realised that she had an interest in it, and we had a bit of a chat about it. She said she was interested (and had clearly been looking at it more seriously than I had, as she had found out far more details), but wasn't sure whether or not to apply, and the closing date was coming up. I suggested it was a good idea to just apply and see where the pieces fell, as she had nothing to lose by just applying. She got in, took up the place and thanked me for helping her choose her pathway. She's now in her final year and is abroad in India on a placement.
The other event which was pretty pivotal was getting dumped. I was already planning on applying to do medicine by this point, but wasn't really sure about it. The med schools I had chosen to apply to were selected on the basis of allowing me be close to her... i.e. the London ones. When I got dumped, it really shook me up (you never would have guessed, the way I've been going on about it, would you?) and it left me wanting more from life. I started feeling that I had a yawning chasm in my life that could never be replaced, so it pushed me into coming to med school as a chance to do some good in the world. My thinking was that if I couldn't be happy myself, at least I could try and bring in some happiness by proxy by making other people better.
Weird thing was, if she'd dumped me before then, before the germ of the idea was sown, I don't think that I would have gone through with it. Similarly, if she hadn't dumped me, or dumped me much later, there was a fair chance I would have changed my mind and gone to do something else, maybe a research job, maybe a post-doc, just something so I could be with her.
This has made me wonder if I'm just meant to be here. On the other hand, the rational, scientific, logical, reasoning side of me wants to brain myself for being so dim. The Richard Dawkins in me is screaming at me to tell me that it's just coincidence, or just my reading significance into chance events. That's probably right, but just maybe...
To be honest, at the moment I need something to hold onto to keep me here. I feel like I'm drowning without it. So the thought that I'm meant to be here is just something I can cling to occasionally. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. I need more motivation. The opportunity to be around the amazing one occasionally is good, but it's also torture. I spent the weekend wondering if it was too much to drop in on her flat without a reason, or trying to concoct an excuse to drop in on her or her flatmates. In the end, cowardice prevailed and I haven't seen her at all. I know her influence is good on me: I never could have written this (overlong) post before her, she's managed to ease the pain, even at the distance she's at.
Let see how long I can keep going for...
AcidCat
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Happy Halloween
Halloween yesterday. I hope all of you were having fun and frights.
For me, yesterday was a bit of a mixed bag. The first exam didn't go brilliantly, but could have gone worse. I don't know how well I did, but it was good to have seen what the exams here are like and what's expected of us.
Post-exam though, the day just stretched on and on. They scheduled a full day of lectures until 4:15 pm, which was quite a challenge to get through. My endurance gave out in the penultimate lecture... my flatmate later pointed out that he saw me fall asleep on my notes, wake up suddenly, furiously scribble a few words that the lecturer had just said, and then fall asleep again almost immediately. Apparently the lecturer had probably noticed, but not said much (perils of sitting in the front few rows). It could have been worse, the ethics lecture beforehand, the lecturer (who dabbles as a magician) who was giving us a demonstration of how people could be influenced, gave us a little demonstration which needed three volunteers... three people in the front row, one of whom was asleep much to her great embarrassment when she realised that the lecturer and entire lecture theatre had realised.
Anyway, the final lecture of the evening was about depression, a subject that I've got an obvious interest in. This week has really emphasised to me how much stigma is still carried on depression, how unsympathetic people who don't actually suffer are, and how untrusted anti-depressants still are.
It really pained me that people seemed to not really understand the difference between depression and sadness. I hated the fact that people seemed to be of the opinion that depression is something that you should "just pull yourself out of". The implication is that people are just feeling self-pity/enjoying being depressed. It worries me that this is the opinion of our future doctors: god help all of us depressives: I worry that the older generations of doctors are even less sympathetic... so it shouldn't surprise me about the very patchy treatment I've received for my depression on the NHS.
That was probably the most illuminating thing about the lecture. The lecturer was very good, but it was a bit of a "beginners guide to depression/grief/bereavement", so I didn't pick up much new. The main point of interest I learned was that the link between depression and cortisol is still unclear, whether depressives have too much cortisol or too little when they have a depressive episode. To me, this is a crucial area of research, which seems reasonably easy to carry out, so I'm very surprised that that trial hasn't been run yet.
In the evening, there was a Halloween disco at the university union which most of my course mates said that they were planning to go to. The plan was for them to go to a house party first, and then come to the disco afterwards. So between lectures finishing and the shops shutting, I tried to get a costume. Problem was, almost all the shops had shut by the time I finished the lectures. The shops which were open had sold out most of the costumes and mainly only had bad/expensive outfits remaining. In the end the best I managed was a pretty iffy kids costume that was a bit of a small fit... non-ideal.
I skipped out on the party to do gymnastics. It was one of the best weeks for gymnastics for me. I managed to land the front and back handsprings (on the sprung floor) and as there was quite a small turn out, the coach let me have a go on the "mushroom" and try to learn how to do circles. It was really difficult and I'm nowhere near managing it, but it was really good fun.
I went to the disco at about 10:30... none of my coursemates ended up coming there... they stayed at the house party all evening. It was a pretty boring evening. I tried to get into the dancing, but it's a bit odd to be the guy dancing on his own, or with people he only knows a bit (a couple of friends of flatmates who I vaguely know). It made me realise that I'm not one of the kids anymore, but also in a way how I'm glad not to be. Lots of them were genuinely having a good time (like my flatmate who as I was leaving was exchanging copious quantities of saliva with a delightful young gentleman), but plenty were clearly not enjoying themselves, but were pretending to, tipping huge quantities of alcohol down their throats just to make it more bearable, and faking having a good time. It seemed so shallow and somehow sad. I was glad to be able to leave all that behind me. I do wish that I felt closer to people though, that I was making an impact on someone, and that someone outside my family would genuinely miss me if I wasn't here. (A bit of an "It's a wonderful life" moment - I assume, I haven't actually seen the movie).
Anyway, I managed to be asleep till 3pm this afternoon, which I was shocked by. I blame the stress of the exam, so my body is catching up on its sleep deficit. It's a gloomy rainy day today anyway (can't believe how dark it is in the early evening), so it wasn't a day worth doing anything with. I'm off to write an application for an expedition (unlikely to get it, but it's one of those trips of a lifetime so I've got to try) and do some medicine. Hopefully, if I can get it all done today, I can have tomorrow off.
AcidCat
PS Congratulations to Captain Anal for becoming Dr. Captain Anal yesterday.
For me, yesterday was a bit of a mixed bag. The first exam didn't go brilliantly, but could have gone worse. I don't know how well I did, but it was good to have seen what the exams here are like and what's expected of us.
Post-exam though, the day just stretched on and on. They scheduled a full day of lectures until 4:15 pm, which was quite a challenge to get through. My endurance gave out in the penultimate lecture... my flatmate later pointed out that he saw me fall asleep on my notes, wake up suddenly, furiously scribble a few words that the lecturer had just said, and then fall asleep again almost immediately. Apparently the lecturer had probably noticed, but not said much (perils of sitting in the front few rows). It could have been worse, the ethics lecture beforehand, the lecturer (who dabbles as a magician) who was giving us a demonstration of how people could be influenced, gave us a little demonstration which needed three volunteers... three people in the front row, one of whom was asleep much to her great embarrassment when she realised that the lecturer and entire lecture theatre had realised.
Anyway, the final lecture of the evening was about depression, a subject that I've got an obvious interest in. This week has really emphasised to me how much stigma is still carried on depression, how unsympathetic people who don't actually suffer are, and how untrusted anti-depressants still are.
It really pained me that people seemed to not really understand the difference between depression and sadness. I hated the fact that people seemed to be of the opinion that depression is something that you should "just pull yourself out of". The implication is that people are just feeling self-pity/enjoying being depressed. It worries me that this is the opinion of our future doctors: god help all of us depressives: I worry that the older generations of doctors are even less sympathetic... so it shouldn't surprise me about the very patchy treatment I've received for my depression on the NHS.
That was probably the most illuminating thing about the lecture. The lecturer was very good, but it was a bit of a "beginners guide to depression/grief/bereavement", so I didn't pick up much new. The main point of interest I learned was that the link between depression and cortisol is still unclear, whether depressives have too much cortisol or too little when they have a depressive episode. To me, this is a crucial area of research, which seems reasonably easy to carry out, so I'm very surprised that that trial hasn't been run yet.
In the evening, there was a Halloween disco at the university union which most of my course mates said that they were planning to go to. The plan was for them to go to a house party first, and then come to the disco afterwards. So between lectures finishing and the shops shutting, I tried to get a costume. Problem was, almost all the shops had shut by the time I finished the lectures. The shops which were open had sold out most of the costumes and mainly only had bad/expensive outfits remaining. In the end the best I managed was a pretty iffy kids costume that was a bit of a small fit... non-ideal.
I skipped out on the party to do gymnastics. It was one of the best weeks for gymnastics for me. I managed to land the front and back handsprings (on the sprung floor) and as there was quite a small turn out, the coach let me have a go on the "mushroom" and try to learn how to do circles. It was really difficult and I'm nowhere near managing it, but it was really good fun.
I went to the disco at about 10:30... none of my coursemates ended up coming there... they stayed at the house party all evening. It was a pretty boring evening. I tried to get into the dancing, but it's a bit odd to be the guy dancing on his own, or with people he only knows a bit (a couple of friends of flatmates who I vaguely know). It made me realise that I'm not one of the kids anymore, but also in a way how I'm glad not to be. Lots of them were genuinely having a good time (like my flatmate who as I was leaving was exchanging copious quantities of saliva with a delightful young gentleman), but plenty were clearly not enjoying themselves, but were pretending to, tipping huge quantities of alcohol down their throats just to make it more bearable, and faking having a good time. It seemed so shallow and somehow sad. I was glad to be able to leave all that behind me. I do wish that I felt closer to people though, that I was making an impact on someone, and that someone outside my family would genuinely miss me if I wasn't here. (A bit of an "It's a wonderful life" moment - I assume, I haven't actually seen the movie).
Anyway, I managed to be asleep till 3pm this afternoon, which I was shocked by. I blame the stress of the exam, so my body is catching up on its sleep deficit. It's a gloomy rainy day today anyway (can't believe how dark it is in the early evening), so it wasn't a day worth doing anything with. I'm off to write an application for an expedition (unlikely to get it, but it's one of those trips of a lifetime so I've got to try) and do some medicine. Hopefully, if I can get it all done today, I can have tomorrow off.
AcidCat
PS Congratulations to Captain Anal for becoming Dr. Captain Anal yesterday.
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