Thesis driving me crazy

Hi everybody!

I'm still here and still stuck in front of a computer failing to do enough work. I hate staring at the blank page. The hardest bit is starting. Once I've started to flow, it isn't so bad. I've done the easy, mindnumbingly boring technical bit, and have just started to have to write in earnest. Have done about a page. One down, about 200 to go.

Anyway, the floods have subsided enough for me to go to Oxford now. I'm very excited, partly because I get a chance to do something that isn't thesis writing, and partly because although it's partly a work trip, I'll still get to see friends, one in particular I haven't seen in over 6 months, and is one of the nicest girls I've ever known. She's so kind and nice and she helped rescue me from my deep depression. We're doing lunch with some other friends on Sunday, so that'll be fun.

If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of.
--Bruce Lee

Let's get going!

AcidCat

Thesis boredom.

Hi everybody!
Sorry for the hiatus. I've been trying so hard to write this thesis, and the time I'm most productive is in the evenings, and that's also when I tend to write updates for this blog.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say anyway. When you're chained to the computer, staring at a blank screen all day, day after day, and you don't do much else, you don't have tales of daring, dragons slain, foes vanquished. I do have tales of a stiff back, a numb posterior, mind numbing boredom and work avoidance. The thesis is coming along very slowly. I'm developing sore, square eyes. I have no idea how computer programmers cope with staring at a screen all day every day. I assume they go home and avoid TVs and computers like the plague (Actually having met a few, they go straight back onto the computer as soon as they can, and play World of Warcraft allowing them to slay dragons and vanquish foes).

My main avoidance technique at the moment is YouTube. I'm not exactly one with his finger on the pulse, but I'm enjoying listening to music videos while I work and also quite a few cool covers.

Better get back to work...

see ya!

AcidCat

Beautiful

Everyday is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain,
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful, no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down,
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends: you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness,
The piece is gone,
Left the puzzle undone,
Ain't that the way it is?

You are beautiful, no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down,
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring you down, oh no,
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do 
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go
The sun will always shine
But tomorrow we might awake
On the other side

'Cause we are beautiful,
No matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down,
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today 
--Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Lost

Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

- Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

--------------------------------------------------------


I feel so lost and scared. I might need be coming off the Prozac faster than I should be. I woke up this morning feeling lonelier and despairing than I have in a while. I'm struggling to concentrate on the work, and I don't know what the future holds.

I don't think anyone outside my immediate family cares about me.

On the plus side, my immediate family cares about me.

Back to that thesis...

AcidCat

Guess who's back, back again!

Hi everyone!

Welcome back! This whole hiatus is coming to an end (hopefully). Six posts in April, one post in May, none in June... poor show! I plead long work hours, endless stress, and fatigue and stress! I never knew I could work so hard or such long hours. I've done 14 to 16 hours a day, seven days a week, for several weeks. It's absolutely knackering, but it feels very virtuous. However, when I finally finished, I've spent a lot of time catching up on lost sleep.

Some of the things that have happened in the huge gap in posting properly:

• I've got addicted to LJ Secret. It's a bit like PostSecret, but updated most days and has an archive of old secrets. The quality control isn't as good, but it's still often touching.
• I decided I like all of my labmates, even JizzNut.
  
• I realise I am worth something. Friends genuinely seemed upset and saddened at my leaving, and were keen on me returning to visit.
• I realise I might be quite good at what I do. I thought I wasn't good as my studies have been pretty unsuccessful by results. However, my wonderful boss, and several of my labmates and other friends have said I'm very good at my job, and have been often nagging me to reconsider my plans to swap tostudying medicine when I finish my studies. I'm starting to consider it... I'm scared though. I've got one life, and not got enough time to both stay in the lab and do the new med school route. I'm worried about ending up in my forties and deciding I cocked up. I don't want to end up thinking "What if?" (which is a major reason for my "say yes" resolution).
• I've given up on saying "yes" blindly. It happened for a variety of reasons. I had built in a hell of a lot of exceptions already, mainly when people asked me for advice in the lab, and had I said yes to all of the questions, there WOULD have been explosions. However, also when I had a deadline to make, I realised that saying "yes" ate into my time heavily. Also it's expensive. However, I still believe in saying "yes" where possible, and hope to do more after I finish my studies... It's fun, and makes you more positive
• I'm weaning off the Prozac. Oh Fluoxetine, we do love you. My mood has been on an upward curve, and I'm starting to get over the depression (I still think of her everyday with sadness though). However, I started weaning off as I ran out of tablets and didn't have enough time to see the doctor for more, so had to stretch them out. Then at my consult, the wonderful, caring Dr. Ketan Bhatt suggested I wean off them. I'm due to try and get off them within a month... Wish me luck!
  

I'm scared by this whole thesis writing. I've got to try and do this, apply for med school, do the exams, all by October.

I don't know if I can do it.

I wonder if I've managed to blag being intelligent to other people, and whether I'll end up being found out. In the worst possible way.

I'm scared.

See you all soon

AcidCat