Life Control

I've spent too long wallowing in depression and panic. Work is difficult and I'm not working hard enough.

As a result: I am going to stop procrastinating.

This will take the following forms:

1) I will only check the BBC news website, Facebook once daily.
2) I will only play starpirates once daily (I haven't linked it as it's a terrible game, but only started playing it to feel closer to ~R when I was stalking her. I knew she played it, and I didn't tell her that I was playing it too.
3) I will take regular breaks from work. Every 30 minutes or so, I will take a short break, do a few press-ups walk around, then come back and work harder.

In addition, to help me feel happier, I will develop a morning ritual. This will involve:
1) Tea
2) Exercise - Probably 20 press-ups
3) Positive thoughts

I am going to take control of my life and happiness again. ~R helps make me happy, but I need to rely on myself.

AcidCat

Motivation

To try and earn some money to fund my life, I'm trying to spend a little bit of time tutoring chemistry. I put my details on a tutoring website, and had my first student called M------- today.

I was a bit annoyed as M------- is extremely disorganised. For example, I rang her a week ago asking her to ring me back to confirm a lesson after talking to her parents. I ended up having to ring her the day before the lesson was due to take place (multiple times) trying to get it confirmed.

I turned up after travelling for over an hour to get there, only to find that she hadn't discussed details with her parents till that day. I arrive at her flat, which was squalid, and smelt appalling (seriously ~R, if you think I'm bad, you haven't seen anything - think something off Kim and Aggie). There were three youngish sons from about 6-14 who were running amok (but seemed like really lovely kids).

I met M-------'s father, Thomas, who wanted to talk to me about how we were going to do the lessons and everything like that. I don't mind that, and I normally allow time for that, but it took a lot longer than I wanted. In addition, apparently, M------- hadn't told him my rates before he said it was ok, and he said he can't afford them (having seen their living conditions, I'm not surprised and it wasn't just a bargaining tactic). I agreed to take her for the reduced rate, but we were going to meet somewhere more convenient for me in future. I found it was an example of low socioeconomic background forming a barrier for education, so I thought I'd do my bit to help someone poorer try and improve themselves. To be honest, I wasn't a big fan of the father, but the kids were really nice. The sons were clearly crying out for attention, and were trying to impress me - I really think the parenting could do with a lot of work: Dad needs to spend more time with kids without piling on the pressure (I could see him being classic pushy parent with M-------).

I thought after coming all this way, I would do the lesson (otherwise the morning would have been a complete write off), despite the fact that it would make me miss gymnastics. I told them that we couldn't do the lesson in their home (it was far too chaotic and messy and loud with the kids - not their fault, just not amenable to work). So we went to their "local" library - which ended up being quite a long walk away.

I spoke to M------- on the walk down, and my instincts about pushy parenting were confirmed. I asked the questions that I couldn't ask in front of her dad, finding out how big the task in front of us was. My fears were confirmed - her dad didn't realise how bad her results were and how much of a struggle trying to improve them would be. I also found out her motivation for tutoring, as she also genuinely wanted to learn. She realised that if she gets high enough results to go to university she'll have a chance for freedom and space. Sadly due to pushy parenting (dad wanted her to be a doctor) she's chosen a very optimistic course - pharmacy at Manchester - requiring a B. As someone who scored so low in her AS chemistry that her school won't let her take A2 chemistry (so she's doing it from learning with me and self-teaching), I really think that it's slightly mission impossible.

This was only confirmed to me when I actually took her for the lesson. Her skills were appallingly bad. She struggled to balance chemical equations - a skill that I thought was required for GCSE chemistry - let alone A level. I took her through a discussion of enthalpy changes.

In the end I gave about 3 hours to M------- and her dad for 80% of the money that we agreed on for one hour. (Including the travel time and expenses, I took significantly less than minimum wage for this). I've taken on a pretty much impossible mission that I am likely to fail on. I'd really like to see her do well though.

An interesting thing struck me when I was trying to motivate her, and also discuss her study habits. I told her that she had a big task ahead of her, and she would have to work really hard to have even a chance of achieving her goal. She'd have to make sacrifices and start being pro-active with her learning - I asked her to take time to work without distractions, to answer questions and read over her notes. But the rewards were good and were clearly something that she wants.

I realised a lot of this applies to me in my learning. I'm not working hard enough, and I'm not working smart enough. I need to test myself more by answering questions. I need to work without music and without flicking to websites or distracting myself with comic books. When I work - I need to work hard. That will give me enough time to play and be with ~R, my favourite thing in the world.

And the possible rewards for me are great too. I can be a doctor, but not only that - if I work hard enough, I can help ~R too. I know she struggles sometimes, not because she's not smart enough (I think she's actually smarter than I am), just because she's never learned how to apply her cleverness to learning. So if I can find ways to make things she struggles with easy to learn and interesting, it would make me really happy. I love her so much, and would love to feel that I have stuff to offer her. She makes me so incredibly happy, and she says I make her happy. I just want to be good enough, so that she never turns round and thinks I'm not good enough for her and we need to part our ways. I love her and want her for as long as I can have her.

This is an unbelievably over-long and rambling post, so I'm going to stop there.

AcidCat

Fear

Ok, suffering a horrible bout of depression. My mood is a roller-coaster at the moment, feels more like plunging falls than exciting twirls or gentle climbs. I feel terrified about this course, terrified about my social skills (or lack of them), terrified about how my family are doing, terrified about how I'm going to live in this house for another year.

Then I see ~R. And everything is wonderful. She almost makes me calm. She nearly makes me forget, and just enjoy the moment.

And then my mind screws things up worse by my realising how important she is to me. How she makes me feel. How much I love her. My mind twists the knife by bringing to my attention how much I need her, how much I rely on her.

But also how unworthy of her I feel. It feels like she's out of my league. I'm reduced to a simpleton in her presence because I'm in such awe of her.

She makes me smile and laugh inside from almost anything she does. I've got a little note in front of me from her that she wrote asking me to go to lunch with her today, and it still makes me stupidly happy.

And I can't bear the thought of losing her.

Aaargh. Why won't my mind just behave?

AcidCat

Oh, life.

Dear xkcd.
Yet again, you hold a mirror up to life beautifully. Today, you summarise the neuroses that run through a male nerd's mind perfectly.



Seriously - I think this happens all the time, all over the place.

Dream egg

Last night I dreamed that all my co-workers found out that this was my blog. It actually scared the hell out of me - I admit to a fair amount of stuff here that I don't want most people to know.

I think I know why it happened - I've got a secret page here with a message for ~R that I never intended to publish. I accidentally hit "publish post" yesterday, so for a few seconds yesterday, a deeply personal story that I don't even want ~R to read was available. Gave me cold sweats for a few seconds - I'm glad that Google's archiver isn't that fast!

I'm going to be supremely careful about where I post from - only going to use computers that can't be traced back to me - and if so, I'm going to make sure I clear the history afterwards...

Paranoia, moi?

AcidCat

Head over heels

She came back to visit for a few hours yesterday. I was so excited.

Being around her again, feeling her next to me, breathing her scent - it all left me incapable of intelligence. I just drowned in waves of happiness and contentment again.

It was over all too soon. Will have her back next week.

It's really terrifying to realise how far you've fallen for someone. How much power they hold over you. How happy you are when with them, how much is missing when they're away. I was hoping not to fall in love this badly - it makes it harder if/when it ends.

Love you.

AcidCat

Perspective

If you're feeling miserable, small events can really change how you feel

• Like friends taking time out of a party to come knocking on your door to say hi and making sure you're alright. (Thanks M--- and M-- L---)
• Or an unexpected gift. (Thanks to my SSC supervisor M---- {I've been really lucky with good supervisors})
• Or having a enjoying having chat with a friend who seems pleased to see you (Thanks K--)
• Or getting helpful emails from my family (Thanks mum and sis)
• Or receiving any flavour of communication from someone you really love (~R xxx)
  
• Or even, hearing about people who really have things to be upset about. (I'm really sorry to hear your bad news S-----, my thoughts at the moment are with you and your family)

It's time for me to be more balanced. I still don't feel like socialising so will spend quite a lot of the near future on my own avoiding most people, but have to appreciate how lucky I am.

AcidCat

Summer Holiday

The first half of my summer was spent picking apart body parts. My dissection skills leave something to be desired. I was asked to do a deep dissection - let's just say I went a little bit deeper than they wanted, removing things enthusiastically. I could have really benefitted from a bit more supervision and help.

Second half of the holiday I spent about two and a half weeks travelling around Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Brunei and Kota Kinabalu (in Borneo) with my flatmate L--- (and J-- was in Brunei and Borneo).

The holiday was extremely frustrating. I really fell out with L---. We're like chalk and cheese. I found out that although travelling solo isn't ideal, it's better than a poor travelling companion. I didn't enjoy being the one who had to sort everything and didn't enjoy the general selfishness and lack of gratitude. To be honest, I'm pretty sure L--- didn't enjoy my company either, so I don't think I've got too much right to complain.

Anyway, I should concentrate on some of the highlights of the holiday to make me appreciate the good times out there. Some bits just stand out for me.

• Having the skin nibbled off my feet by "doctor fish" in Kuala Lumpur

"Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes. Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun" - Red Dwarf Theme.

Plunging my feet into a shallow pool filled with tiny fish which attack your feet was a really weird feeling. It's like having your feet firmly prodded and poked - a very ticklish sensation. It's a bit scary, my paranoid streak made me worried that there was a little gang of piranhas hiding somewhere, waiting to pounce. It did make my feet feel noticeably softer and the skin generally felt nicer. I'd really recommend it.

• Snorkelling with the fishes on the islands near Kota Kinabalu

I never understood the idea behind snorkelling before. Scuba - you could freely wander along the bottom, breathing happily from your big tanks of oxygen. Snorkelling - you have to swim right at the surface, and you still can get water in your snorkel and so you can't go deep.

And then I saw the fish.

The islands near Kota Kinabalu are wonderful for snorkelling. A short boat ride from Jesselton Point, you have the choice of 5 islands to explore. I snorkelled on two small ones - Mamutik and Sapi. The water was warm (bath temperature) and blue. The sand was white. The fish were amazing and diverse: such beautiful colours, different sizes and characters. So many beautiful corals beneath them (I still can't believe that they're alive). I risked my digital camera to try and take photos - putting it in a clear plastic bag and taking it underwater. Sadly this was my best photo...

Sadly there just wasn't enough light to get a good, clear, focussed one of fish with my cowboy underwater camera.

I also kept getting bitten by fish, not as pleasantly as the doctor fish (but no actual damage - getting scratched by corals was more painful).

Anyway, these were a few of my highlights of my holiday, I'll leave it there (coming back to it if I have time)

AcidCat

Back in the UK

I've been on holiday for the past two and a half weeks - exploring various parts of Asia - 3 countries. It's been fun in places and I've learned a hell of a lot about myself - may even stick a bit about it down here if I have time - I kept a diary while out there, but it would just be edited highlights.

Glad to be back though. Term has started, but I've had an easy start as I've been doing my project - I'm currently learning about the Alexander Technique. More to come about that soon.

I get to see ~R for the first time in 6 weeks tomorrow. I'm so excited and can't wait. A bit nervous again, but I'm just absolutely thrilled.

AcidCat

She loves me...

I've spent the last few days wondering if she loves me or not. I'm a bit paranoid because I got dumped last time after my ex went on a long summer holiday. Also, I really like ~R, so I really don't want it to come to an end. Luckily she sent me a little email today saying that she misses me and would like to hear my voice, so it's putting my mind at rest quite a bit. I really want to tell her I love her and miss her loads, but I understand there are "rules" that you don't come on too strong, so I'll wait for the time being.

In other news, I spent Saturday with my friend T---- and his two sisters (who are also both lovely) and went to see a comedian called Rhys Darby, who is apparently one of the actors in "Flight of the Conchords". It was a bit mixed, but it was a fun evening out (must admit that I preferred the comedian who was his support act). Went to a japanese restaurant called "Hare and Tortoise" near Russell Square tube station which was ok, but very good for the cheap price.

Sunday was spent hanging out with one of my post-docs from my PhD days called L---, who has recently moved to London. He's a lovely guy and I don't see him often enough, I don't think I've seen him for about a year. Anyway, we went to the Imperial War Museum, had crispy pork in Chinatown and walked round St. James' Park, giving us plenty of time to catch up.

It's been a good weekend. Except for receiving a letter from the evil people from NHS bursary who either ignored/missed my PhD funding, or are not allowing it as part of my self-support status. Either way, it's annoying and it's more admin for me to have to do... Grrr...

AcidCat

:-(

I sent my love an email telling her how much I miss her and love her. She sends me a very factual one back asking me to do a favour. No love, no kisses.

I hope this isn't an omen.

:-(

AcidCat

Jealousy.

Just got an email from ~R. It fills me full of warm, hug feelings. I've been anticipating an email from her for a while. I love her so much.

It mentioned the fact she had an admirer at one of her excursions. I'm not surprised as she's incredibly fun and beautiful, and she said that the admirer was no-where up to my level, but I still feel jealous. I wish I was with her now.

I love you ~R. Can't wait to see you again.

AcidCat

Catching up

I realise I haven't put up a blog post for ages - last post was end of May, so I've gone the whole of June and most of July without updating. As a result, I'm just going to briefly list some of the salient points of the past two months so I feel like I've caught up. If I don't at least mention them here it will feel like I've got an itch that I can't quite scratch.

The main reason I haven't posted for most of this time is due to exam panic. I had a lot of exams around the beginning of July, so I spent a lot of time revising and panicking. I had an entire term's worth of work, which incidentally was the most difficult term of work so far (two modules, one on the musculoskeletal system (and skin) and one on neuroscience and psychiatry), so there was a lot of anatomy to learn. In addition I had a practical exam (OSCE) which tested any of the clinical procedures that we had learnt over the past year. As I only just scraped past the practice OSCE earlier this year, I was terrified. In the event I managed to pass all those exams acceptably well, so will be returning to university next year.

The other central part of my life recently has been the wonderful ~R. I've been spending a lot of time with her and think things have been going well. I'm very much in love with her and she makes me so very happy. I love being with her and having her near me. My addiction to her made it harder for me to concentrate on work, as my mind keeps drifting back to her. I'm really pleased that she too has passed her exams so will be coming back next year. However, she's away in America doing a project with her friend for the whole summer and I miss her lots. She won't be back until the holiday is over. I must admit I'm a bit scared that like my ex-, she'll come back and end the relationship. I really hope not. She's been gone less than a week (since Monday), but it feels like an age already.

Other things:
Well, my sister has moved into a new house that she has bought and it's really pretty. I'm looking forwards to the day I can afford my own house!

I've got a new house for next year, having moved out of student halls. I've moved in with three of my flatmates from this year and we have a little house just minutes from the hospital. It's quite nice, moving was a pain though and the kitchen is ant infested, the bathroom is crap, and the furniture is broken. My room itself is reasonably nice, having come second out of the hat when we were assigning rooms.

I'm off to Asia for two weeks with two of my flatmates at the end of August, just before term starts. One of them (J--) lives in Brunei, and offered to show us around, so myself and L--- are going to visit him. J-- has helped us organise going to Malaysia and Thailand as well, it's going to be amazing and I can't wait, but there's still a lot of organisation to do.

Until then, I've got a little job in the dissecting room. It involves removing all the soft tissue from the arm (below the shoulder blade), leaving only the bones and ligaments (and those muscles that prevent the top of the arm (humerus) falling out of the shoulder blade cup (glenoid fossa)). It pays minimum wage, but it's quite fun, and I'm learning anatomy as I go. There's also some other nice people doing it, so it's quite a fun experience.

Anyway, I'm getting tired, so I'm going to end this update here. If I can I'd like to keep going and maybe go into a bit more detail, but this will do for this post.

Goodnight everyone!

love
AcidCat

Star Trek

Just saw the recent Star Trek movie with ~R.

I'm not a trekkie, but my only comment is this:

"See that movie, George? That is how you make a Sci-Fi prequel."

Om nom nom

This is for you.


from www.sinfest.net

Three words

I
Love
You

Three words that change everything.

~R said that to me outside a cake shop in Chinatown. I had been uncharacteristically decisive - after having dinner together, we were thinking of getting dessert and she said she liked one of them. I said we should get it as take-away and strolled in and asked for one. Then I realised I had to choose one for myself - got flustered and finally chose something I recognised. This fit of general incompetence amused her when I sheepishly wandered out with her afterwards, and she told me she loves me.

It means so much to me coming from her. Especially after a slightly roller-coaster weekend where I've gone through a lot of emotions.

We spent Saturday evening and Sunday visiting ~R's best friend K---- who threw a small house party. I adore K----. She helped bat my corner when R- was suggesting that ~R should break up with me. K---- is also lovely and wonderful in her own right. She shares quite a few of ~R's qualities that I love about them both. It also doesn't hurt that she's always been really nice about me. She also told me that she liked the valentine's card I sent ~R. (Apparently, ~R thought that K---- had sent the card, so had thanked her for it. Cue much confusion when K---- knew nothing about it. I would have loved to have been there for that conversation!).

Spending time with her was fun, and it was good to see her happy. It was fun hanging out with her housemates and her friend S----, who was interesting but also had quite a lot of "interesting times" ahead of her. It was nice to meet K----'s love C----, who seemed very sweet, but not quite what I had pictured for her.

One downer for the weekend was my brain being my worst enemy. I don't know if my Prozac's not working brilliantly at the moment, or if my brain is physiologically playing up, or even if it's a reality check, but the voices that tell me that things are going to go wrong were shouting at me again. They told me that I'm not good enough for ~R, that I'm not interesting enough for ~R, that we aren't a good pairing. Worst of all, they were telling me that ~R's friend R- may be right: that this is all one sided and that I love ~R, but she isn't really that interested in me and that she's just going with the flow because I'm calming on her and make her happy. And that when she's sorted or twigs or finds the strength, then it's all going to be over. Problem with that is that I'm really too much in love with her now, and think that if it's going to end messily, it should be sooner rather than later.

I had a cut down talk with her about that on the way back - ~R is really perceptive and noticed that I looked sad, even though I was trying to hide it. I told her that I was sad from thinking about my family (which was true) and thinking about her - and that I was sad because I really like her and that it left me vulnerable about losing her. She told me that I meant a lot to her and that she wouldn't want to hurt me. I told her I knew this because she was a really good person, but I also said that sometimes feelings don't work like that. She told me that I had got to the point that I really mattered to her and that she didn't open up easily, but had opened up for me.

I love her so much. She's so lovely.

Good night my sweet. You make everything better. I love being with you. Spending time with you is wonderful.

AcidCat

R.I.P

To my grandma who passed away yesterday - I'm thinking of you.

I didn't know you very well, but I met you a few times and you were nice to me. I know how much mum is missing you and hurting right now. When I think how I'd feel if my mum died, it makes me so sad.

Be strong mum, thinking of you too. Miss you.

Love
AcidCat

PhD Graduation

I had my PhD graduation yesterday... It was a slightly anti-climactic occasion, but it was a nice way to draw a line under one section of my life.

I think this would be a good opportunity to do an awards-ceremony-style thank you list. Technically, I put one of those at the front of my thesis, but that was a formal one where I had to thank certain people and couldn't really be as honest and open as I would have liked. So here is an alternative acknowledgements page:

Firstly and foremost, thanks so much to Jon: my amazingly incredible supervisor. I couldn't really say how fantastic he is in my thesis - but then again, I don't think I have the words to say how brilliant he is anyway. He was an amazing person to work for: someone who genuinely cares about the wellbeing of his students, is incredibly intelligent, enthusiastic, patient; appreciates that we are human and need a life outside of the subject. Jon is incredible and I admire him greatly. I'm really grateful for him allowing me to work in his group.

I'm also really grateful to my industrial supervisor, Jan, who is really intelligent and gave me some really good ideas during the project. He actually spent time thinking about my work and how he could help me - more than most people in his situation do. He also looked after me very well while I was working in the industrial labs.

On that note - I'm really indebted to Merck, who helped to very generously fund my PhD, and also the EPSRC who also chipped in.

Thanks to my group members who have been a lot of fun to work with and who helped me through the tough times: chemistry and real-life. In particular in Jon's group: Dave, Simon, Luke, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Stuey, Ben and M---- (Sorry M----, but your name is just a bit too rare and would remove the anonymity). Also thanks to those of you who I've been lucky enough to share a lab with who have been fun and supportive to be around, especially: Ryan, Seb, Mell, Frankie, Stu and Filipa.

I suppose I ought to thank my ex, M--. She was supportive at the start, but to be honest she did far more damage to my PhD era at the end, so the two things cancel each other out. Well, thank you for the good times anyway.

On that note, thanks to all of you who helped pick me up when I fell (those darkest days). In particular, that would be my family, Jon, Luke, Simon, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Bren, Chris, Dave, Del, Chris and many, many more people. (Special thanks to you Wil and 'Chelle, for being there when I was literally alone in SF. You are possibly the kindest people I've met in the world - ever). But most of all, thank you Joolz. I really needed you, and you were always there. Thank you. I think I may have taken advantage of you a bit - I had fallen out of contact with you before hand, and we've drifted apart since - but you were always there, giving me time, listening to my tear-stained late-night phone calls. I can't thank you enough. Really.

The biggest thank you to my family though: that's you mum, dad, B---- and W--. You've always been there for me, unfailingly, unquestioningly, reliably. The one constant that I know I can rely on, always. Thank you - again, I can't say in words what you mean to me, it would sound hollow and wouldn't do you justice anyway. You're all the best.

And thanks to any of you who I haven't given an individual shout out to. You have made a big impact on my time during my PhD - I'm just having a brain melt. Thank you. I appreciate what you've done.

And on that self-indulgent note, thank you and good night!

AcidCat

Words

I spent an evening in the company of the incredible ~R, just stroking her hair and having her sit close to me. It was heaven.

When I was saying goodbye today, she was being sweet or fun (just generally wonderful) and I blurted out that I love her. This time though, she joked about it and seemed much more relaxed about it. I'm so happy.

Tomorrow I'll have a slightly less soppy post. I'm finally graduating with my PhD so will be blogging about that instead.

Till then, love you.

AcidCat

P.S. She said such beautiful things to me today. Things like "You make me happy" and other stuff. She said something particularly beautiful that made me melt inside, but I can't remember it - which I'm really gutted about.

P.P.S. Just remembered what she said. She said "You know, I'm growing really rather fond of you". Coming from her that was the sweetest, loveliest comment and it's still making me happy to think about it now.

What a difference a weekend makes

I've gone from despair on Friday to feeling happy and content today. I missed out on an ebay auction I wanted by about £10 (a rather nice skeleton - I decided £100 was my limit), but I don't mind.

Had dinner with ~R and J---, then spent the evening with ~R trying to work. Wasn't super productive, but was more fun.

AcidCat

Weird

Weird feeling - saw my ex has joined facebook as she's commented on one of my friend's status.

I don't know how I feel - except a bit weird.

I don't want her anymore - especially now I've found someone absolutely amazing, but it just feels really strange to be reminded of her.

AcidCat

Back to good

I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.

I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.

When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.

I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.

When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).

We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.

Love you ~R

AcidCat

Don't worry, be happy

As you might have guessed from my previous blog post today, I haven't been a happy bunny. I had a little nap after posting which made things a bit better, but was still angry and miserable. I've stomped around feeling withdrawn and been polite to my flatmates but nothing more sociable, despite their best efforts when I went into the kitchen.

Work was failing. I decided to cut my losses and go to the gym, hoping to exercise out some of my sadness and negative feelings. Annoyingly, the punchbag was being used, so I was limited to working on cardio. It helped a bit, I felt that things were a bit more in perspective - but I was still fed up.

But then, when I came home, I found this stuck to my door:



I don't know who's responsible (I'm pretty sure J-- was involved, and possibly E---- and L---) but it gave me a huge lift. It's so good to know people care. I was thinking really uncharitable thoughts about several of my flatmates recently, so this has really shown me something different.

I've left it pinned to my door for the time being, but I may move it to somewhere I can see it more often. It's wonderful.

Thanks very much guys. I needed that badly. I'm not feeling great, but I feel that I can cope.

AcidCat

:-(

I'm feeling really low.

After a tedious group presentation that I did most of the work for (but will get the same mark as my co-workers) and a pretty long shitty day, walking home with ~R made me seriously sad.

Yesterday, she went to visit one of her friends from her last degree who recommended that ~R dump me.

Basically, ~R feels that I like her a lot more than she likes me (which I think is probably true). She stuck the proviso in that she might like me more in the future, and that we should just see how things go. I don't know if this is really a reason for us to go our separate ways...

Anyway, I'm left feeling a bit confused and like I'm receiving mixed messages. She kissed me on the way back afterwards.

Damn. And just when I was starting to feel happy and that life was going my way. I'd even stopped taking Prozac for the past few days because I was feeling over the moon.

I think part of what pisses me off is that someone I've never met is encouraging ~R to dump me. I've been waiting for something like this to happen, so tried to treat all my time with ~R as a bonus, but I'm greedy: I've got a taste for it and I want more.

Damn.

AcidCat

Love, love, love

~R

XXX

Such a happy day with you. Space medicine: interesting, inspiring stories and fun lecture. Evening of work and play together.

My paranoia keeps making me think that it's not all going as well as it seems. I really hope it's wrong.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Treat every day, every minute as a bonus.

AcidCat

:-)

~R

<3

xxx

AcidCat

Life's a beach

Another one of those amazing days.

Three day weekend stretching out ahead of me. Beautiful sun streaming down. Waking up refreshed from a good night's sleep.

Shortly after waking, I got a phone call from ~R asking whether I'd like to join her, her flatmate J--- and J---- who were driving to the seaside in Brighton. I was packed and ready by 11.

J--- drove us down in her beautiful Alfa Romeo. It was lovely to be leaving Tooting for the countryside. Sitting in the glorious sun next to ~R helped add to the occasion. Poor J--- had to put up with periods of horrible traffic for the bank holiday weekend, especially when we got near Brighton and looked for parking.

Lunch was at an Italian bistro called Opposition. It was pretty iffy with very bad service, but was cheap.

The day was lovely. We went to the seaside, but it was stony and freezing, so we didn't stay and we didn't even go for a paddle. A day of fun in the sun. We went to the park, wandered around the town listening to street music, went for afternoon tea and just generally had fun. I fell asleep on the drive back, which is probably for the best as it stopped me from staring at ~R quite as much. She noticed me "mooning" her and I think it freaked her out as it was (mooning as in staring, not mooning as in pointing my bottom at her). J--- was awesome, it was so incredibly kind of her to drive us around all day.

We spent the evening around J----'s drinking tea and gossiping. Then dinnertime arrived and J---- offered to feed us! We all chipped in with ingredients and helped with cooking till we had a delicious dinner of spring rolls, stir-fried prawn noodles, stir-fried vegetables with garlic and ginger (cooked by ~R who is every bit as good a cook as she says) and jasmine tea. We hung out till gone 11, where people started to wilt, so we went back to our respective flats. I came to ~R and J---'s flat to help carry some of ~R's cups (in reality I think ~R and J--- had enough hands between them).

J--- went to bed, and ~R and I kissed. She has the most soft, warm, enveloping lips, that just stop the world. She's so amazing and beautiful. The world just becomes a small place, but it's such a happy one. I went to bed as she has far more self-control than I do.

Life is wonderful.

I'm proud of myself for learning things, especially where I've learned and grown from my previous relationship. Like I'm treating every day I spend with ~R as a wonderful bonus; but one which could end at any time. So I enjoy myself with her, but make sure I don't take stuff for granted and don't think about "future". I'm not worrying about how much I like her compared to how much she likes me. Things are what they are: comparisons don't matter. I know I'm much more into her than she is to me: doesn't matter. I'm just enjoying stuff while it lasts.

What I do need to work on is being more relaxed around her; my brain just shuts down around her because I'm still just amazed and awed by her. It still disturbs her and she doesn't like it when I stare at her - this is one of the drawbacks of my enjoying stuff while it lasts: I want to drink in every moment of her beauty and the happiness I get while I'm around her while I can - so I stare a bit more than I should. And I'm not discreet so she keeps catching me.

We're making progress. She's less freaked out when I tell her how wonderful she is, and I think we're both a bit more happy with some light physical contact. And above all, she makes me so unbelievably happy.

AcidCat

I've got a picture of you

I went to watch a DVD with ~R and her friend from uni called L-----. I saw my Valentine's card pinned up in her bedroom. It made me feel lovely; thinking about one of my actions making her happy.

:)

AcidCat

First day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

-- First Day of my Life -- Bright Eyes

Today is the first day of my life. Today was pretty mediocre as far as work goes. Lunch was lovely though as a few friends who ~R had told about us going on a few dates congratulated me and said nice things. Also got to sit with ~R for some of the lectures.

After work things were lots of fun. My flatmate J-- had finished exams, so his group were sat on the grass drinking, so I crashed the party for a little while which was fun.

~R had suggested that we could do something fun this evening, so I called in on her flat to see if she was still keen on going out. Some of her flatmates were around, and they were having food, so I had the lucky bonus of being fed and had some lovely tea and coffee. I do like all of her flatmates, so that was lovely. Her flatmates eventually trickled away, leaving me alone with ~R. She was tired which ruled out the original clubbing idea. We didn't like what was available at the cinema (Hannah Montana movie or 17 again?) and we were too late for the comedy night on the boat. We fancied going out, so decided to hit central London to escape from Tooting and hope to catch the last of the sun.

We went to Waterloo to walk along Bankside, but sadly missed the sun while on the tube - it was the post-dusk era. We spent some time along Bankside, admiring the view, seeing the photo exhibit that was up.

We were standing by the Thames staring at the view. I'm going to skip many of the details (even on an anonymous blog, some things need to be kept private). ~R told me some of the stuff that was on her mind. Lots of stuff I couldn't do anything about, or say anything to help. I was honoured that she felt comfortable enough to and decided to tell me. I told her what I thought and some of the things that were going through my mind.

And then we kissed.

I can't really explain much else for the evening. It was a time of happiness, glow, trembling, excitement, thrill, fear, love (on my part anyway), contentment, exhilaration. I can't do the feelings and sensations justice. It felt like floating, like spinning into the air - gliding. Everything.

We went for cake, but needed to get back at a comparatively civilised time (though it still wasn't that early - I think we started getting the train back at 11:30). I spoiled the evening slightly by being a bit obsessive and crazy about her. I keep staring at her; she's so beautiful and so wonderful - this makes her uncomfortable. I just got carried away, and my brain has gone completely AWOL. I also need to remember to keep things slow.

I had a wonderful evening. I don't think I've ever been so happy. I love ~R so much. I've just been in a happy daze.

I'm trying not to get too obsessed (it's arguable that it's too late for that). I realise that this may not be the happy ever after I'd love it to be, and it could easily end tomorrow. I need to keep one eye on how lucky I've been already: ~R has made me so happy over the past month. She's also excised thoughts of my ex from my mind - I can't remember when it happened, but I stopped thinking about my ex daily, and I don't feel a pang or pain when I do think of her (this happened even before I asked ~R out). I feel good about myself. She makes me feel positive about life, work, everything - and keep everything in perspective.

Phoenix ascending: 24 April 2009. Phoenix is fully reborn, and burning brightly. Unstoppable.

Love to all of you, but especially: love you ~R

AcidCat

PS. ~R, if you ever do read this: I wasn't joking, it wasn't just a line: it was the honest truth. I don't ever remember being as happy as I have since we've started hanging out together. Thank you.

I'll be watching you.

What is the difference between being a stalker and being in love?

I worry I've crossed the line and become a stalker.

1. I've been (secretly) playing an online computer game because she plays.
2. I've started changing what I eat in case that I am lucky enough to be close to her (so she doesn't suffer an allergic reaction.
3. After she popped up for 10 minutes for a cup of tea, after she left an hour later, I used that same cup to drink out of, so my lips could touch the same place her lips had been.

I think I keep doing other things as well, but that disturbs me enough, so I'm going to stop there.

AcidCat

Warmth

Quick update.

I think I didn't mess up too badly by telling R----- that I love her; today, she's been telling a few more people that we're seeing each other. It gives me more warm fuzzies. I just wish we had more time to spend together. Just being with her makes me so happy. I hope I make her happy too.

Things are going well. Work is not ideal, but that's a side issue to me at the moment. I'm really glad R got her projects finished and handed in on time yesterday. I even got to sit with her for a little while on the grass as the sun went down, with one of her flatmates accompanying us. I had a few minutes with her on the grass at lunchtime today outside St. H hospital, and she looked so beautiful, just lying in the sun.

I have another early start tomorrow (just like today - we've been working out of different hospitals), so I'm going to go do a bit more work and then go to bed. And stop myself procrastinating.

AcidCat

You say it best, when you say nothing at all

Sometimes I'm such an impetuous idiot.

I went for a cup of tea on the grass to watch the sun set with R-----. Because I've been bottling it up inside me for so long, I decided to tell R----- that I loved her. Despite the fact that it's so early that I'm not even sure you could call it a "relationship". Despite the fact I know she's "got issues". Despite the fact, I really don't know how she feels at all. Despite the fact she's got other things going on now.

The power of three words amazes me.

Unsurprisingly, she freaked a bit. If I was going to be rational about it all, she freaked a lot less than she had a right to, and I should have expected her to. She seemed shocked that I had said it so early and that I'd barely knew her. I had forgotten that a month ago, she had no idea that I really liked her, she's had weeks to get used to the idea, whereas I've been pining after her for over 6 months. I didn't tell her that, because for once, the impetuosity was filtered out somewhere between my brain and mouth - otherwise she would have freaked out (and I wouldn't be able to blame her - I worry I'm turning into a stalker).

After we changed subject though things went back to the normal fun. We had a long chat to procrastinate on instant messenger this evening, and she popped by briefly this evening so I think things are ok. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't such an impetuous idiot. Luckily, the amazing one said "Yes, but you are a lovely idiot". A sentence which made me love her all the more. Damn.

As she's not listening here, I can get away with it now.

I really love you, R-----. You make me feel so happy just by being around me. I feel sad when you're upset, but I'd still love to be with you no matter how you're feeling. But when you're happy and you're near, I feel that I've hit the jackpot and the world is the most incredible place. I can't promise you "forever" - I don't think you'd want me to, and it would be dishonest - I'm not psychic, I can't see what fate and the future holds. I can tell you though, that I've never felt this way about anyone before - ever. I've never met anyone who I've found so amazingly beautiful and attractive as you are. I've never met anyone who's as much fun to be with. I've never met anyone I'd rather spend time with - I can't even think of anyone I'd rather spend time with. You just glow with a radiance. I want to make you happy - it would make me ecstatic.

Luckily, I didn't say that to her, otherwise she'd probably be at an airport right now, in disguise, paying for a ticket to a mystery location. In cash. I just told her that I loved her.

Hell, since even before I asked you out, you're the reason I stopped thinking about my ex every day. I didn't even notice it. It was about bloody time, it's been over 3 years; it was time those scars faded. Thank you.

You're a major reason I'm determined to do well and stay at this course. I want you to be here. I want to be here with you. No more of this "I'm not sure" from me now. I'm focussed.

You inspire me to act how I want to behave. Do things well. I want to be good enough for you. I've noticed changes in my behaviour and outlook in life.

Thank you. You're incredible.

And the one fact I definitely want to keep hidden from you - you're so amazing, wonderful and fantastic that even if it doesn't end up working between us, I'm going to try my damnedest to stay your friend as you're unique and incredible. I thought that before with my ex, just when we were starting to date. However, this time having gone through it once, I'm trying to keep myself realistic and I think I'd be better at it. Hoping it doesn't come to that though.

I love you.

AcidCat

P.S. Just a random observation. Some of the best love songs don't have the word "love" in them. Example, Elton John's "Your Song". I came up with a few today, and not explicitly saying love means you end up working harder to express your feelings so it becomes more heartfelt and less cheesy (a la "Love is all around" or "I will always love you").

Pass!

Turns out the last exam on the endocrine system (hormones) went well:

Basic & Clinical science
Mark 78%
Pass Mark 52%
Mean 67%
Range 47-82%

Personal Professional Development (Ethics and law etc.)
Mark 95%
Pass Mark 50%
Mean 61%
Range 0-100%

Community and population health (Sociology and epidemiology etc.)
Mark 70 %
Pass Mark 53%
Mean 74%
Range 35-93%

I'm particularly pleased with the basic clinical science mark as that's the one which has some relevance to one's abilities as a doctor. The other two I'm just aiming to pass.

Had a good evening of eating, drinking, and lewd merry making with the wonderful R-----, and also the fun, entertaining T----, A----, S----, C------ and S----'s friend S---. It was a good evening and I'm happy now. Have to be up very early tomorrow to go to a conference with R----- and V-- which should be fun, but as I need to be up at the crack of dawn, I'm off to bed now.

Good night!

AcidCat

Happy Eostre

Had a lovely Easter weekend. Helped my sister move house into a beautiful flat with an enormous garden. It was exhausting, but I was pleased to be able to help.

Otherwise spent the rest of the weekend with my family, and it was brilliant to see them. Spent time at the allotment getting the ground ready and just spent some good quality relaxation time - something which I rarely do.

I'm really happy. Being in love gives you a new-found outlook on life. I don't really know how to go and say hi to R-----, but I'm really looking forwards to seeing the amazing lady again. Facebook is a very dangerous thing for someone with tendencies towards stalking, but to see her status read "R----- is happy." gives me such a wonderful, warm, contented feeling.

AcidCat

May the Force be with us. Always.

Today I went to "Star Wars: A Musical Journey" with R----- at the O2. Fantastic. Anthony Daniels (C3P0 actor) narrated the evening, the music was the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra playing the John Williams score, and excerpts from the six films put on the big screen (which were well synchronised with the music). It was fantastic - even reminded me that Episodes I and II still had good bits. The music was really inspiring too, you leave thinking you can achieve anything - revolution!

However, no matter how good the actual event was - predictably the highlight of the evening was spending time with R-----. It was the most amazing evening I could remember. I did actually spend some time this evening trying to think when the last time I felt this happy, and I just couldn't remember. I felt more elated the day I passed my PhD, but for happiness, I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt like this.

For the first time, I really felt: "Hey, I think she likes me". She gave me a kiss on the cheek, we held hands and walked arm in arm and with my arm around her. We chatted about things and spoke about deep things (feelings and stuff). It was amazing.

I bought her flowers. I hope that wasn't too much too soon.

Anyway, life is amazing for me. Happy Easter to all of you! Hope you're all just as happy.

AcidCat

You just called...

(... and I want...)

...to say "I love you".

Love you R.

AcidCat

Animal magnetism

Had another amazing day today. Spent it with R-----. We went to London Zoo, which is lovely, but quite expensive. One of R-----'s friends (who works at the zoo, effectively running a dating agency for the animals) managed to get us in free and give us a lovely guided tour of the must see highlights (thanks very much H-----!) which was cool.

It was lovely to see the animals: London Zoo may not be the biggest zoo, or one with the most animals, but the animals there were clearly happy and content and very well looked after. The primates were adorable, the meerkats were extremely cute. The most beautiful thing there though was the one I came in with.

I've had such a wonderful day with her. I keep finding myself staring at her, and just thinking "I love you". I love her so much. Seeing her just makes me feel so amazingly happy. I'm confident she likes me now. I really enjoyed our journey back. I put my arm around her a few times, and I had her head against me: close enough to feel the warmth of her head on my cheek and so I could smell the scent of her hair. She touched my hand with hers.

Just remembering it again now - I feel so happy, content and relaxed. Life is so good to me right now.

AcidCat

An entrancing day

An awesome 2nd date.

I was much less nervous today. We just went out and had fun. We walked along the Thames towards Tate Modern. Saw the main installation which was really cool and interesting, looked at their second floor exhibition (included two rather dodgy films - showing some artists can be serious perverts!) and drank tea from the top floor of their cafe watching London go by.

We grabbed a quick bite from a pizza restaurant. R----- had a serious allergic reaction to the pizza despite it being labelled as being nut-free. She had run out of anti-histamines and was about to administer adrenalin. I was so relieved to find anti-histamines in my bag. I refilled the anti-histamines in my bag as soon as I got back.

We went to the hypnosis talk which was really interesting. I got chatting briefly to a clinical hypnotist who was lovely and gave us some notes and gave us her card in case we had any questions. I enjoyed the talk which showed the power of hypnosis (the speaker helped to put someone under so that they could reset a broken leg without anaesthesia!) and got some interesting lines that I thought I could add to my routines. R----- was excited by the talk and admitted to becoming a convert to hypnosis.

We had a wander together to have a look for a tattoo studio that she was thinking of getting a tattoo from. We went to have noodles for dinner and then went for a lovely walk together, wandering around Covent Garden. The atmosphere was wonderful, summoning the café culture that the 24 hour drinking was supposed to bring. A Monday evening there where people were having fun, there were families with younger children. There were buskers playing music adding to the scene, and the sky was clear and beautiful. Slightly embarrassingly, she caught me staring at her, because she is incredible.

We wandered along the Thames towards Embankment. I love central London at night time. It was so peaceful, but with the cars going past, it never got spooky. We stared out across the river and just enjoyed the calm scene.

The tube journey back was amazing. She was tired and she rested her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her, and it felt fantastic.

Our local tube station was closed at night, so we had a long walk back home. It was fun to chat and she told me some really interesting stuff about greek legends. She's so smart and knowledgeable and amazingly cool. I adore her.

I'm so excited. We've arranged to go out on Wednesday to go to London Zoo. It's going to be so much fun. I just need to keep in my head that we should just go and have fun together and forget about "dates".

I'm so happy. When we were at the end of the evening, staring out on the Thames with the moon looking down on us, I remembered thinking that I can't remember being this happy. When we had the hypnosis talk and they mentioned a "keepsake": a symbol that made you feel happy or safe - I thought of the daisy chain that she made and put on me.

Don't get carried away. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy her company. Live in now - enjoy it like it's our last moment. It's a nice ideal to dream as if it will last forever, but it's far too early for that.

:-)

AcidCat

PS. Something that amused me: when one of her flatmates texted her today, she replied that she was on a date with me. Her flatmate texted back that (unlike R-----) she wasn't at all surprised. It does suggest that R----- was slightly oblivious, as the people who could see it was easily in double figures.

Having said that, she did give me a lovely compliment saying that she didn't think that I could be interested in her. I know that sounds ambiguous written down here, but the way it was said made me know that it was truly wonderful.

Dammit. Can't get carried away.

Art attack

Quick post before bed.

Second properish date tomorrow... I'm nervous and excited again. We're going to a hypnosis lecture in the evening, but we're going to make the most of being on holiday by spending the day together. I suggested the Tate Modern as R----- mentioned that she enjoyed museums and art galleries and hadn't been to the Tate Modern. I'm really hoping the main installation is good now...

Eep. I'm so jittery. Have spent the evening doing my laundry, then finding out my skills with an iron are no-where near good enough...

Every message I get from her, I keep thinking "I love you". I'm so glad that text messages and emails you can't hear what the other person says when they receive it, otherwise it might scare her away. Bearing in mind how oblivious she was that I liked her (despite the attraction lasting for over half a year of me failing to keep it under wraps), I don't think she realises the extent of my feelings towards her.

Hope tomorrow (or actually today now!) goes well. Will concentrate on just being relaxed and having fun and a good time together. Don't think either of us needs the pressure.

Good night everyone!
AcidCat

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart

I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear, for the whole round world to hear.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
I wish you could know what it means to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

I wish I could give all I'm longing to give
I wish I could live like I'm longing to live
I wish that I could do all the things that I can do
Though I'm way overdue I'd be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found  I could fly
Oh I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free

-- "I wish I knew how it would be to be free" - Nina Simone

I'm feeling so happy at the moment. I know I'm getting carried away, but I've spent the evening in the company of R----- (the amazing one), and some other friends. And it feels fantastic. I know I'm reading too much into it (just like I falsely read too much into how badly the first date went), but I'm feeling so much more comfortable about everything (although I still go jittery and blank whenever I'm around her). Everytime she looked at me, my heart just melted. I knew what happiness is from a single glance. She made a daisy chain and placed it around my head to wear.

I want to keep it, but don't know how to keep it looking beautiful. It's so fragile and amazing. I get the most incredible warm fuzzies just looking at it.

She's so fantastic. I need to try and get the balance right of spending time with her, but not hounding her so much that she tires of me. It's so difficult, specially when you're so crazy about someone that you think about them all the time.

Also having a wonderful day anyway. Had a lovely late night chat with my flatmates and also found out that a little cake to a sad person can make them feel much happier. It's a brilliant feeling to know that you've helped make someone's day better.

Love to all of you. Hope you're as happy as I am. Today's another one to add to the days I want to hang on to.

AcidCat

Something positive

Thanks to comments from my newly re-livered friend D---, Ash (from Arien Musings) and my sister, I'm now feeling a lot more positive about yesterday's date.

Bottom line is, I now realise I was hoping for too much.

I had fun yesterday. Let's just see how things go and hope to have some more days out where we have fun and then see if we connect.

Thanks to all of you guys. You're all fantastic.

Love
AcidCat

Damn

Just got back from my first ever date, and feel that it's particularly appropriate that it's now April Fool's Day.

It didn't go particularly well.

I filled my time this morning tidying up like crazy - in case we came back to my flat, as it needed doing anyway, and also as a displacement activity to try and prevent me from getting nervous.

I picked her up from her flat. Her flatmate answered, and we had a bit of a chat. I don't know the rules of dating so this was already not going to plan. I wasn't sure if this person knew I was taking R----- out on a date (or even whether I was there to see her) so I already felt off-guard.

We went to the Bodyworlds exhibit in the O2 centre.

The journey down was slightly awkward. The conversation didn't really flow and I was feeling a bit nervous, despite my best efforts.

We arrived a little early and we stood by the river for a bit, and for some reason the conversation started flowing a little more freely.

The actual Bodyworlds exhibition was enjoyable and well recommended for anyone - even if you aren't studying any medical/physiology discipline. Some of the exhibits are artistic, some are informative. It's a really good way of getting a feel for what's happening to you below the surface of the skin. I was slightly in awe in that place (a bit like being in a church or place of worship) which kept the conversation slightly stop-start.

We finished the exhibition feeling slightly ravenous. I don't think it's particularly an effect of being around the preserved cadavers - for me certainly it was largely due to nerves meaning that I had only eaten a few slices of toast up till that point. We went to a reasonably mediocre Native American Indian themed steak restaurant inside the O2.

We went to NamcoStation - an arcade where we played some computer games, and I got humiliated at air hockey and a stompy game a bit like DDR. I did about as well as she did on the Time Crisis shooters, with her scoring more points my improved survival.

We wandered along the Thames towards Chinatown. By the time we arrived it was quite late and most the shops were shutting. We went to Haagen-Daz Cafe, but were severely underwhelmed by the selection, so we went to Ben and Jerry's (closed), tried one of the Chinese cafes for bubble tea instead at 10:55, but they told me that they were closing at 11. I tried to flirt and play with the (male) waiter to persuade them to serve us - but when they clearly weren't about to budge I started really laying it on thick and teasing them - until R----- finally dragged me away. I thought that I had embarrassed her, but she said she just found it funny.

We ended up at a nearby internet cafe where we rounded off the evening, before heading back on the tube, and walking back from the tube station.

I think the date itself was quite fun - if I hadn't intended it as a date, and it was just two people going out and having a good time, it certainly did that. I was just disappointed because I'm not sure we had real chemistry going on. I'm still incredibly attracted to her, but I don't know if it will work. I loved spending time with her and learned so many fantastic, fascinating things about her. I was a little disappointed that I didn't even hold her hand, let alone finish the night with a kiss, but then again I do worry I'm a wuss. She said she had a nice time and that she'd like to do that kind of thing with me again, but I wonder if I've just wandered into the friend category. I can think of worse places to be, but compared with my hopes and dreams it's a slightly disappointing second best.

I still really love her. I'm just feeling a bit deflated now.

Hopefully a night of sleep and life will feel good again.

Maybe it was mostly first night nerves.

Love to everyone, but especially R-----. Thank you for a fun day. That much was never in doubt. I enjoyed it.

Love
AcidCat

PS - The therapeutic power of blogging. I feel so much better and more positive about the whole experience having looked over the day as a whole instead of how I came back and just looked at all the things I had screwed up and felt that hadn't gone well.

Excitement

So excited about tomorrow.

Was going to blog about Phoenix tonight, but am tired, it's late and my mind is racing with tomorrow's adventure.

I'm a bit nervous, partly as it's the first time I've ever gone on a formal date so don't really know what happens and how to act, but in another act to add to the list of reasons that I love her, she sent me a message confessing it's also her first formal date.

Wish me luck!

AcidCat

Connections

I have had an amazingly brilliant weekend, which was rounded off nicely when I saw this post on Ash's Arien Musings blog. Ash is someone who I don't know in real life, but I am privileged to read her blog and have her read mine.

I love the message on this blog post and thinks that Ash writes beautifully. Seeing this blog post has elements of why I'm so happy at the moment:

Two people, each making their own way in the world.
Suddenly, for at least a moment, not knowing how long it will last, there is a shared connection (albeit in very different ways).
We stop being lonely individuals bumping around a cruel world.
For awhile, you know someone is with you, and the world is a friendlier place.

It's a bit like the graffiti in this comic (yet again, from the excellent xkcd - I do think for myself, it's just that xkcd keeps hitting a spot with me and says what I want to say in a more poignant or humourous way).

Thank you Ash and I hope love treats you well too.

So life is treating me well. I have no idea how well this date is going to go with the wonderful one. To be honest, I am absolutely terrified - but it's a good kind of fear. Like the moment when you're on a roller-coaster and you can see the drop coming, and you feel scared and excited in anticipation.

It's weird when you know someone and love someone - but don't really know whether they like you. I was convinced she knew how I felt and was shocked when she didn't.

I'm so glad the secret is out. It can never go back into the box - I'm happier and hope she will be too.

Love to you all, but especially you, R-----. You haven't been far from my mind all day. No matter where I was, or what I was doing, you were just hiding there - giving me a lift.

AcidCat

Life is good!

Still flying high!

Woke up early, naturally and full of energy. That never happens to me. I'm just buzzing and full of endorphins and happy hormones.

It feels like even if it doesn't work out, life will still be better for my having asked.

I feel so free. I'm glad she knows someone out there loves her, and hope that it makes her happy and feel good about herself.

I now just need to keep myself grounded and stop myself getting carried away.

And it's a beautiful sunny day out there!

Love to all of you, but especially her!

AcidCat

Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

A nearly great weekend

I've had a wonderful weekend where I did the minimum amount of work, went to parties and saw some of my beloved family who are incredibly fantastic and who I love very much. I know I'm incredibly lucky to get on well with my folks, when so many come from more dysfunctional families.

The only thing that has slightly spoiled it was realising how much power that she has over me. Today's party made me happy to see her when we were exchanging glances across the room, nervous when she invited me to sit next to her, and furious and sad when a misunderstanding made her pissed off at me for something that I hadn't done.

I hate people having power over me. Can I break my addiction by blowing up her flaws and minor things I don't like about her?

AcidCat

Testing times

Today I had the end of module exam. Topics covered included upper and lower GI tract, kidney function, thyroid function and pancreatic function (and the associated insulin and diabetes). I think it went ok, but then again the examiner did say the exam was easy (therefore the pass mark will be higher), and also, any time on this course I thought the exam went well I end up with a bad mark, and conversely when I think the exam went poorly, the mark so far has been ok. So, no judgements, just time to wait for the marks to come out.

Went to the pub to unwind afterwards, but I think I'm cursed with the local that the uni kids go to. I never seem to have a particularly fun time while I'm there. The best experience I think I've had while there has been geeking out and playing chess with C-------- after the last exam. Didn't have a wonderful time, and when the people I was with invited me back to halls for coffee, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially as one of them was the wonderful one.

Spent the early evening around the wonderful one's kitchen. I really like all of the people who live in that flat, so I had a lot of fun. The coffee made me a bit jittery though as I don't really do caffeine: Never normally drink coffee, rarely drink tea, occasionally drink cola. I got a bit shy and awkward around the wonderful one again, partly think it was because we were both tired from the exam and the revision for the exam all week long.

Anyway, went to a party with some of the kids from uni, and had a good time. I rarely drink alcohol, so today as people were pushing alcohol in my general direction, I drank too much which hit my system far too quickly. I got annoyed with myself for getting drunk, and also that people were starting to guess about my infatuation with the wonderful one. And I knew who was spreading the rumours, which annoyed me a bit too - but a useful lesson to know that L--- (as nice as she is) can't be trusted with anything she takes to be potentially juicy gossip. Another thing that spoiled my evening was that the person I thought was the biggest arsehole on the course confirmed it today, by getting high and groping a lot of girls against their will and tackling me to the ground. I almost punched him, but I was glad I managed to control my rage. I do wonder who would have won a fight between us though. Physically he's larger and probably stronger, I'd be relying on speed and knowing where to hit. Let's hope it isn't put to the test.

On the happy finish for the party: I spent a lovely time with one of the nicest girls on the course C------, who I think is wonderful. I got to spend some time chatting to my gym buddy T---- who is a really cool guy and a role model for how I want to change. I also spent some time talking to some old friends (like M---, one of my favourites from my first PBL group) and spent a bit of time getting to know some coursemates a little bit better. And I had a chance to dance, and take lots of photos.

Anyway, am now back, have had a drink of water, so hopefully shouldn't be hit hard by a hangover tomorrow, and am nearly ready for bed. Am looking forwards to a rare weekend of leisure: it's going to be amazing!

Love and peace and hope to you all

AcidCat

PS: Seriously, random question about leukaemia? What the hell does that have to do with GI, kidney, pancreas or thyroid? And is it so much to ask to expect the exam questions to be proof-read for spelling, grammar and have them generally make sense?

Destress!

And relax!

I'm chilled now.

I've spent an hour pounding seven shades of shit out of an old bag.

My muscles are now all shaky, but you should see the other guy (the punchbag).

The best way of getting a connection to life and the world.

Missed the sunlight today, but the punchbag was pretty necessary.

AcidCat

Grr...

Exam this Friday. Am stressed. Am feeling disconnected with the world and a bit annoyed. Going stir-crazy and am a bit sick of being here, being alone, and being without her. Going to try and find a punchbag tomorrow.

AcidCat

A voyage of self-discovery

Things I learned about myself today in clinical skills:

• My height is 1.666 m
• My mass is 64.3 kg
• My BMI = 23.2

• My waist circumference is 0.76 m
• My hip circumference is 0.92 m
• My Waist:hip ratio = 0.83

• My blood glucose (an hour after a jacket potato with cheese and baked beans) = 6.2 mmol/L

Things I learned about myself today in a lecture:

• The wonderful one thinks I'm a "filthmaster".

I have an interesting learning environment.

AcidCat

Oops I did it again.

My friend T---- gave me lots of interesting information about the "Game" - the world of pick-up artists: how to get the girl. I've just skimmed through some of the bits of info, but a lot of it seemed to make sense to me. Why nice guys don't get the girls (because although the rational part of a woman's head knows that nice guys are good for them, they're not attractive. Nice guys are like broccoli, good for you but unexciting. Bad guys are chocolate fudge cake - you know it's not going to do you good, but you want it anyway). How to act around them (basically be the best person you can be, present a really confident side of yourself, don't show them how much you like them). I decided to take elements of this in my life as it seemed a generally positive thing to do, and would help me act around her.

And then she called me.

It was her graduation day today. Her first graduation was a bit of a disaster by the sounds of things, she didn't have fun and her dad made her so stressed about the whole event. She wanted to have a good time this time, so this morning, I sent her a text message wishing her a happy graduation day.

This evening, she rang the phone in my room. I wasn't really expecting it to be her and was a bit flustered. Didn't manage the cool, alpha male, presenting-positive-side attitude I was aiming for. Ended up doing the geeky, shy, tongue-tied self. I wittered on for a bit and then after we hung up, I confessed my love. Luckily no-one was around to hear it, but I've been trying to deny it even to myself recently.

I'm so pissed off with myself. I wish I could read her. Are the things like ringing me and pulling my hair her way of flirting and a sign of interest, or just her being friendly? She's a really friendly person, so I've been assuming the latter, but sometimes I just think (and wish)...

I love you.

Congratulations on becoming a Master (or I suppose Mistress...)

AcidCat

Something for the Weekend

I’ve had a really great weekend. Haven’t got enough work done, but it was great, so I need to stay up late to scribble it down before I forget. This will help lock in the happy feelings to keep me going when things are bad.

Friday was fun. The day was long and difficult. Again, I had some problems with the one who I’m crushing on. I don’t know how to act around her – don’t want to be so keen that I just annoy her, but I love being with her.

Anyway, after lectures I went to gymnastics. I skipped the pub; I’m not feeling at home with my coursemates at the moment. The gymnastics session was great, even without my usual partner in crime, who gave it a miss due to over-doing it at the gym, football and circuit training. I got the round-off more solid, and I even landed a few front-handsprings and front flips on the tumble-track. The new coach is great and she’s very hands-off, letting us do what we’re interested in. She’s also applying funding for an air-track. Air-tracks are amazing pieces of kit – imagine an extremely springy bouncy castle which is very long and well suited for all manner of flips. I had a go on one during a parkour workshop a few years back – I was able to land flips without any tuition at all. I hope we get one!

After that on Friday evening, I managed to get a beautiful girl into my bed, but I sent her to sleep (literally). Sadly, that’s somewhat less salacious than it sounds – V-- came for a hypnosis session and I tried out a slightly different routine than last time. Although most of the changes fell flat and she kindly and gently let me know which bits were better last time, some of the new bits I decided to try seemed to work very well, and I did actually get her to go to sleep (but then again we were doing the session at gone 11 pm at night. It was a hell of a buzz and I’m very excited about the whole thing.

Saturday the excitement was the Spectrum party (for kids with special needs). It was less fun than last time as there were actually more volunteers than kids so it wasn’t as manic or exciting and challenging. It was nice to see how much fun the kids had though, and how much the parents enjoyed having a few well earned hours off. After that, I picked up a lot of reduced meat in Sainsbury’s and ended up with a serious protein overdose.

I finished reading “The Game” by Neil Strauss. It’s about the world of pickup artistry and attracting women. Interesting stuff. I feel that I seriously could do with some help in that area, but he also paints a scary picture of how the scene actually is, and how it can warp your perception of women. It isn’t an advice book as such, more his story of transformation into ladies man, but there was one piece of advice that seems to be particularly relevant to me. “One-itis” is when an AFC (average frustrated chump – like me) gets caught up on a woman thinking that she is “the one”. This means he acts like a puppy dog around her, and gives in too easily, which women hate. The PUA (pick-up artist) response to this is to just go and pick up lots of other women, to make you forget about the one. As I don’t have the time, or the abilities to do that (hell even one other woman), I just need to concentrate on trying to spend more time doing other things and spend more time with other women. I know I’ve been trying that for a while, but I’d better redouble my efforts.

Today I went to see “The Flying Dutchman” at the Royal opera house with my brother. It’s the first time I’ve been to the opera, and I didn’t know anything about it before I went. It turns out that it isn’t about a train (that’s the “Flying Scotsman”) or a fly-on-the-wall-documentary about KLM (different kind of flying Dutchmen) or about a takeaway where they lace the batter with marijuana (that’s the “Frying Dutchman”). It was a bit more like the stage version of “Pirates of the Caribbean”, all the way down to the undead sea-farers. Not convinced about the whole thing, but there were good moments. Two and a half hours, up in the gods, on rock hard seats, with head at an angle to see the stage, sat next to an irritating woman who kept trying to clap along to bits of the song and who left before clapping (which is just bloody rude in my opinion) were downsides. Plus points were some of the staging was quite interesting, a fun evening out with my brother and some of his friends was cool, and the star (Bryn Terfel) went to the trouble of picking up the cheap loose daffodils that were thrown down at him during the applause was a really nice touch.

And last but not least, I got to speak to my mum over the weekend. She is in Hong Kong seeing her mum who is terminally ill but currently stable. I miss her and it was lovely to speak to her. I’m really sad that I know she’s going to be in so much pain and finding it all so hard. I feel bad for my grandma too, but worse for my mum.

I love you mum. Wish I was able to speak to you a bit more over the weekend. Look after yourself and come back safe to me. Love you lots. Love you too grandma.

This is for both of you.
From the wonderful xkcdAcidCat

Life examination

Feeling a bit out of sorts today.

The big plus point of today was receiving my exam results. Did ok in the mock practical... failed most of the stations, but did well enough to scrape a pass overall. Most pleasingly was that I did quite well in the written exam that actually counts, despite finding the exam incredibly difficult. Well enough to drag my average up nicely (to below average for the year but as I was well below before, I'm still pleased) especially in the basic clinical science that I was doing very badly in. I'm still concerned that despite scoring reasonably well on that, I don't feel like I know the material very well.

Anyway, I feel like I don't belong again. One of my flatmates is a selfish bastard who doesn't like me, takes everything he can, winds me up and tries to put in sly jabs at every possible opportunity. If it wasn't for his presence, it would be a great flat. Oh well. I'm just going to try the minimal contact approach and see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about her. I don't know if I'll ever have her, which makes me feel sad and lonely. I wish I didn't feel this way about her. It makes me overanalyse all my actions and thoughts. Am I wishing for something I don't really want anyway? I wonder if this is a case of head saying no, but heart saying yes.

Can't wait for the weekend. Weekend without her as she's away, and a weekend that (assuming I can get on top of work) allows me to get away from the course and flat for most of the time.

Time for me to crack on with work to give me the weekend, and hypnotise/positive think my way out of my head.

AcidCat

Dreaming of you

What's up in my heart when it skips a beat?
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

When I'm down and my hands are tied
I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line.
From this pain I just can't disguise
Its gonna hurt but I'll have to say goodbye.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

Oh yeah

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

-- Dreaming of you - The Coral

I was at my beloved's house party yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I can't exactly remember what happened, but I got her on her own and asked if she'd like to go and have lunch with me. She agreed and as I was leaving she said something like "Ooh! I'm going on a date!". Then when I came to take her out, she dumped me, leaving me in floods of tears. And then I woke up.

I saw her in lectures today and chatted to her. I adore her. It's the first day I've spoken to her properly as she's been away suffering from illness for a good while.

She's away this weekend seeing her dad. It makes me feel free in a way as I won't think about whether I'll bump into her or anything like that.

I wish I could get you out of my head or just make you mine.

Love you

AcidCat