Excitement

So excited about tomorrow.

Was going to blog about Phoenix tonight, but am tired, it's late and my mind is racing with tomorrow's adventure.

I'm a bit nervous, partly as it's the first time I've ever gone on a formal date so don't really know what happens and how to act, but in another act to add to the list of reasons that I love her, she sent me a message confessing it's also her first formal date.

Wish me luck!

AcidCat

Connections

I have had an amazingly brilliant weekend, which was rounded off nicely when I saw this post on Ash's Arien Musings blog. Ash is someone who I don't know in real life, but I am privileged to read her blog and have her read mine.

I love the message on this blog post and thinks that Ash writes beautifully. Seeing this blog post has elements of why I'm so happy at the moment:

Two people, each making their own way in the world.
Suddenly, for at least a moment, not knowing how long it will last, there is a shared connection (albeit in very different ways).
We stop being lonely individuals bumping around a cruel world.
For awhile, you know someone is with you, and the world is a friendlier place.

It's a bit like the graffiti in this comic (yet again, from the excellent xkcd - I do think for myself, it's just that xkcd keeps hitting a spot with me and says what I want to say in a more poignant or humourous way).

Thank you Ash and I hope love treats you well too.

So life is treating me well. I have no idea how well this date is going to go with the wonderful one. To be honest, I am absolutely terrified - but it's a good kind of fear. Like the moment when you're on a roller-coaster and you can see the drop coming, and you feel scared and excited in anticipation.

It's weird when you know someone and love someone - but don't really know whether they like you. I was convinced she knew how I felt and was shocked when she didn't.

I'm so glad the secret is out. It can never go back into the box - I'm happier and hope she will be too.

Love to you all, but especially you, R-----. You haven't been far from my mind all day. No matter where I was, or what I was doing, you were just hiding there - giving me a lift.

AcidCat

Life is good!

Still flying high!

Woke up early, naturally and full of energy. That never happens to me. I'm just buzzing and full of endorphins and happy hormones.

It feels like even if it doesn't work out, life will still be better for my having asked.

I feel so free. I'm glad she knows someone out there loves her, and hope that it makes her happy and feel good about herself.

I now just need to keep myself grounded and stop myself getting carried away.

And it's a beautiful sunny day out there!

Love to all of you, but especially her!

AcidCat

Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

A nearly great weekend

I've had a wonderful weekend where I did the minimum amount of work, went to parties and saw some of my beloved family who are incredibly fantastic and who I love very much. I know I'm incredibly lucky to get on well with my folks, when so many come from more dysfunctional families.

The only thing that has slightly spoiled it was realising how much power that she has over me. Today's party made me happy to see her when we were exchanging glances across the room, nervous when she invited me to sit next to her, and furious and sad when a misunderstanding made her pissed off at me for something that I hadn't done.

I hate people having power over me. Can I break my addiction by blowing up her flaws and minor things I don't like about her?

AcidCat

Testing times

Today I had the end of module exam. Topics covered included upper and lower GI tract, kidney function, thyroid function and pancreatic function (and the associated insulin and diabetes). I think it went ok, but then again the examiner did say the exam was easy (therefore the pass mark will be higher), and also, any time on this course I thought the exam went well I end up with a bad mark, and conversely when I think the exam went poorly, the mark so far has been ok. So, no judgements, just time to wait for the marks to come out.

Went to the pub to unwind afterwards, but I think I'm cursed with the local that the uni kids go to. I never seem to have a particularly fun time while I'm there. The best experience I think I've had while there has been geeking out and playing chess with C-------- after the last exam. Didn't have a wonderful time, and when the people I was with invited me back to halls for coffee, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially as one of them was the wonderful one.

Spent the early evening around the wonderful one's kitchen. I really like all of the people who live in that flat, so I had a lot of fun. The coffee made me a bit jittery though as I don't really do caffeine: Never normally drink coffee, rarely drink tea, occasionally drink cola. I got a bit shy and awkward around the wonderful one again, partly think it was because we were both tired from the exam and the revision for the exam all week long.

Anyway, went to a party with some of the kids from uni, and had a good time. I rarely drink alcohol, so today as people were pushing alcohol in my general direction, I drank too much which hit my system far too quickly. I got annoyed with myself for getting drunk, and also that people were starting to guess about my infatuation with the wonderful one. And I knew who was spreading the rumours, which annoyed me a bit too - but a useful lesson to know that L--- (as nice as she is) can't be trusted with anything she takes to be potentially juicy gossip. Another thing that spoiled my evening was that the person I thought was the biggest arsehole on the course confirmed it today, by getting high and groping a lot of girls against their will and tackling me to the ground. I almost punched him, but I was glad I managed to control my rage. I do wonder who would have won a fight between us though. Physically he's larger and probably stronger, I'd be relying on speed and knowing where to hit. Let's hope it isn't put to the test.

On the happy finish for the party: I spent a lovely time with one of the nicest girls on the course C------, who I think is wonderful. I got to spend some time chatting to my gym buddy T---- who is a really cool guy and a role model for how I want to change. I also spent some time talking to some old friends (like M---, one of my favourites from my first PBL group) and spent a bit of time getting to know some coursemates a little bit better. And I had a chance to dance, and take lots of photos.

Anyway, am now back, have had a drink of water, so hopefully shouldn't be hit hard by a hangover tomorrow, and am nearly ready for bed. Am looking forwards to a rare weekend of leisure: it's going to be amazing!

Love and peace and hope to you all

AcidCat

PS: Seriously, random question about leukaemia? What the hell does that have to do with GI, kidney, pancreas or thyroid? And is it so much to ask to expect the exam questions to be proof-read for spelling, grammar and have them generally make sense?

Destress!

And relax!

I'm chilled now.

I've spent an hour pounding seven shades of shit out of an old bag.

My muscles are now all shaky, but you should see the other guy (the punchbag).

The best way of getting a connection to life and the world.

Missed the sunlight today, but the punchbag was pretty necessary.

AcidCat

Grr...

Exam this Friday. Am stressed. Am feeling disconnected with the world and a bit annoyed. Going stir-crazy and am a bit sick of being here, being alone, and being without her. Going to try and find a punchbag tomorrow.

AcidCat

A voyage of self-discovery

Things I learned about myself today in clinical skills:

• My height is 1.666 m
• My mass is 64.3 kg
• My BMI = 23.2

• My waist circumference is 0.76 m
• My hip circumference is 0.92 m
• My Waist:hip ratio = 0.83

• My blood glucose (an hour after a jacket potato with cheese and baked beans) = 6.2 mmol/L

Things I learned about myself today in a lecture:

• The wonderful one thinks I'm a "filthmaster".

I have an interesting learning environment.

AcidCat

Oops I did it again.

My friend T---- gave me lots of interesting information about the "Game" - the world of pick-up artists: how to get the girl. I've just skimmed through some of the bits of info, but a lot of it seemed to make sense to me. Why nice guys don't get the girls (because although the rational part of a woman's head knows that nice guys are good for them, they're not attractive. Nice guys are like broccoli, good for you but unexciting. Bad guys are chocolate fudge cake - you know it's not going to do you good, but you want it anyway). How to act around them (basically be the best person you can be, present a really confident side of yourself, don't show them how much you like them). I decided to take elements of this in my life as it seemed a generally positive thing to do, and would help me act around her.

And then she called me.

It was her graduation day today. Her first graduation was a bit of a disaster by the sounds of things, she didn't have fun and her dad made her so stressed about the whole event. She wanted to have a good time this time, so this morning, I sent her a text message wishing her a happy graduation day.

This evening, she rang the phone in my room. I wasn't really expecting it to be her and was a bit flustered. Didn't manage the cool, alpha male, presenting-positive-side attitude I was aiming for. Ended up doing the geeky, shy, tongue-tied self. I wittered on for a bit and then after we hung up, I confessed my love. Luckily no-one was around to hear it, but I've been trying to deny it even to myself recently.

I'm so pissed off with myself. I wish I could read her. Are the things like ringing me and pulling my hair her way of flirting and a sign of interest, or just her being friendly? She's a really friendly person, so I've been assuming the latter, but sometimes I just think (and wish)...

I love you.

Congratulations on becoming a Master (or I suppose Mistress...)

AcidCat

Something for the Weekend

I’ve had a really great weekend. Haven’t got enough work done, but it was great, so I need to stay up late to scribble it down before I forget. This will help lock in the happy feelings to keep me going when things are bad.

Friday was fun. The day was long and difficult. Again, I had some problems with the one who I’m crushing on. I don’t know how to act around her – don’t want to be so keen that I just annoy her, but I love being with her.

Anyway, after lectures I went to gymnastics. I skipped the pub; I’m not feeling at home with my coursemates at the moment. The gymnastics session was great, even without my usual partner in crime, who gave it a miss due to over-doing it at the gym, football and circuit training. I got the round-off more solid, and I even landed a few front-handsprings and front flips on the tumble-track. The new coach is great and she’s very hands-off, letting us do what we’re interested in. She’s also applying funding for an air-track. Air-tracks are amazing pieces of kit – imagine an extremely springy bouncy castle which is very long and well suited for all manner of flips. I had a go on one during a parkour workshop a few years back – I was able to land flips without any tuition at all. I hope we get one!

After that on Friday evening, I managed to get a beautiful girl into my bed, but I sent her to sleep (literally). Sadly, that’s somewhat less salacious than it sounds – V-- came for a hypnosis session and I tried out a slightly different routine than last time. Although most of the changes fell flat and she kindly and gently let me know which bits were better last time, some of the new bits I decided to try seemed to work very well, and I did actually get her to go to sleep (but then again we were doing the session at gone 11 pm at night. It was a hell of a buzz and I’m very excited about the whole thing.

Saturday the excitement was the Spectrum party (for kids with special needs). It was less fun than last time as there were actually more volunteers than kids so it wasn’t as manic or exciting and challenging. It was nice to see how much fun the kids had though, and how much the parents enjoyed having a few well earned hours off. After that, I picked up a lot of reduced meat in Sainsbury’s and ended up with a serious protein overdose.

I finished reading “The Game” by Neil Strauss. It’s about the world of pickup artistry and attracting women. Interesting stuff. I feel that I seriously could do with some help in that area, but he also paints a scary picture of how the scene actually is, and how it can warp your perception of women. It isn’t an advice book as such, more his story of transformation into ladies man, but there was one piece of advice that seems to be particularly relevant to me. “One-itis” is when an AFC (average frustrated chump – like me) gets caught up on a woman thinking that she is “the one”. This means he acts like a puppy dog around her, and gives in too easily, which women hate. The PUA (pick-up artist) response to this is to just go and pick up lots of other women, to make you forget about the one. As I don’t have the time, or the abilities to do that (hell even one other woman), I just need to concentrate on trying to spend more time doing other things and spend more time with other women. I know I’ve been trying that for a while, but I’d better redouble my efforts.

Today I went to see “The Flying Dutchman” at the Royal opera house with my brother. It’s the first time I’ve been to the opera, and I didn’t know anything about it before I went. It turns out that it isn’t about a train (that’s the “Flying Scotsman”) or a fly-on-the-wall-documentary about KLM (different kind of flying Dutchmen) or about a takeaway where they lace the batter with marijuana (that’s the “Frying Dutchman”). It was a bit more like the stage version of “Pirates of the Caribbean”, all the way down to the undead sea-farers. Not convinced about the whole thing, but there were good moments. Two and a half hours, up in the gods, on rock hard seats, with head at an angle to see the stage, sat next to an irritating woman who kept trying to clap along to bits of the song and who left before clapping (which is just bloody rude in my opinion) were downsides. Plus points were some of the staging was quite interesting, a fun evening out with my brother and some of his friends was cool, and the star (Bryn Terfel) went to the trouble of picking up the cheap loose daffodils that were thrown down at him during the applause was a really nice touch.

And last but not least, I got to speak to my mum over the weekend. She is in Hong Kong seeing her mum who is terminally ill but currently stable. I miss her and it was lovely to speak to her. I’m really sad that I know she’s going to be in so much pain and finding it all so hard. I feel bad for my grandma too, but worse for my mum.

I love you mum. Wish I was able to speak to you a bit more over the weekend. Look after yourself and come back safe to me. Love you lots. Love you too grandma.

This is for both of you.
From the wonderful xkcdAcidCat