Life examination

Feeling a bit out of sorts today.

The big plus point of today was receiving my exam results. Did ok in the mock practical... failed most of the stations, but did well enough to scrape a pass overall. Most pleasingly was that I did quite well in the written exam that actually counts, despite finding the exam incredibly difficult. Well enough to drag my average up nicely (to below average for the year but as I was well below before, I'm still pleased) especially in the basic clinical science that I was doing very badly in. I'm still concerned that despite scoring reasonably well on that, I don't feel like I know the material very well.

Anyway, I feel like I don't belong again. One of my flatmates is a selfish bastard who doesn't like me, takes everything he can, winds me up and tries to put in sly jabs at every possible opportunity. If it wasn't for his presence, it would be a great flat. Oh well. I'm just going to try the minimal contact approach and see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about her. I don't know if I'll ever have her, which makes me feel sad and lonely. I wish I didn't feel this way about her. It makes me overanalyse all my actions and thoughts. Am I wishing for something I don't really want anyway? I wonder if this is a case of head saying no, but heart saying yes.

Can't wait for the weekend. Weekend without her as she's away, and a weekend that (assuming I can get on top of work) allows me to get away from the course and flat for most of the time.

Time for me to crack on with work to give me the weekend, and hypnotise/positive think my way out of my head.

AcidCat

Dreaming of you

What's up in my heart when it skips a beat?
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

When I'm down and my hands are tied
I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line.
From this pain I just can't disguise
Its gonna hurt but I'll have to say goodbye.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

Oh yeah

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

-- Dreaming of you - The Coral

I was at my beloved's house party yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I can't exactly remember what happened, but I got her on her own and asked if she'd like to go and have lunch with me. She agreed and as I was leaving she said something like "Ooh! I'm going on a date!". Then when I came to take her out, she dumped me, leaving me in floods of tears. And then I woke up.

I saw her in lectures today and chatted to her. I adore her. It's the first day I've spoken to her properly as she's been away suffering from illness for a good while.

She's away this weekend seeing her dad. It makes me feel free in a way as I won't think about whether I'll bump into her or anything like that.

I wish I could get you out of my head or just make you mine.

Love you

AcidCat

Friday 13 and Valentine's day

Have a bit of a backlog of things to say. I've been mad-busy recently trying to cram for an exam I had on Friday 13.

Good thing I'm not superstitious. Going into an exam feeling pretty stupid, underprepared, on Friday 13 having had a pretty bad week might make one think that one was going to fail... we'll have to wait and see what the results say. The only plus point is that everyone seemed to leave the exam saying how difficult it was. It did teach me I do need to learn drug names better and not just drug classes. Also need to know contra-indications to prescription better.

Valentine's day went pretty much as expected. I sent out one card - bet you can't guess who to. As normal I didn't receive one - but then again, I've never received one in anger; the only time I've ever received one was from my ex while we were going out. Not a surprise. I spent Valentine's evening at an anti-Valentine's day party at the wonderful one's flat. Chocolate fondue, enough to give all present a bad case of diabetes. Quite a girl heavy evening. Though sadly not in the way that would be optimal ;)

Was quite good fun anyway. Am meant to be practicing for my practical clinical examination tomorrow, but can't get motivated for it. Specially as it's a mock and I feel drained from the work I did for the written exam on Friday. Instead I'm going to see my folks before my mum goes back to HK this week. A better use of my time methinks.

To all you out there, whether or not you had a loved one to share Feb 14 with, love to you all!

AcidCat

PMT empathy

I've been feeling depressed and anti-social again today. For lunch I couldn't face being around anyone else, so I got take-out from the canteen and went to sit on my own in a room.

What doesn't help a bad mood is when people who know you suffer from seasonal affective disorder just say stuff like "Just sit in front of your light/go get some sun". It feels like you're being told that if you have a shit mood/bad day, the only possible reason is your SAD, and so once you sort that out then everything will always be fine for you. I'm just glad that most people don't know I suffer from depression too, otherwise being told to "just go and take your Prozac" might drive me to physical violence. I really sympathise with women, who frequently suffer from the indignity of having their anger labelled as "must be their time of their month". All you bearers of the XX chromosome, please accept my apologies as someone with XY chromosomes.

What did make things better (in addition to an afternoon nap today) was being asked to have a coffee with C------. (Incidentally she is one of the few who I think realises I suffer from depression - a few people know a certain things, which combined with attention and empathy should let them know my mental status). After the skills session today (where we learnt to intubate - really exciting! Just like on TV, but much, much harder - requiring more muscle power than they show) she asked if I fancied a coffee. We went to have a chat for 20 minutes and she asked after me, but just the action of speaking to someone who came to find me was lovely and made me feel like I'm a part of the world, and not just floating lost.

Thanks C------. I noticed that after that, and after a nap things are getting progressively better. I may still be up after midnight trying to do work for tomorrow, with an exam that I feel underprepared for looming, but I feel ok about it.

AcidCat

Disaffected and Out of sorts

So we're alone again
I wish it were over, we seem to never end
Only get closer to the point where I can take no more
The clouds in your eyes
Down your face they pour

Won't you be the new one burn to shine
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
Yes, all you have to do is cry

Hush my baby now
Your talking is just noise
And won't lay me down
Amongst your toys
In a room where I can take no more
The clouds in your eyes
Down your face they pour

Won't you be the new one burn to shine
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
Yes, all you have to do is cry

Photographs and brightly colored paper
Are your mask you wear in this caper
That is our life
We walk right into the strife and a tear from your eye brings me home

Won't you be the new one
Burn to shine
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry

-- Closer - Joshua Radin


Don't know why it is. Maybe it's the gloomy, miserable weather. Maybe it’s the imminent exam that I feel extremely unprepared for. Maybe it’s due to feeling betrayed by the course and administrators of it. Maybe it’s because no-one here really seems to want me as a proper friend, just a fun/polite acquaintance. Maybe it’s because people don’t behave honourably and will just get what they can out of life. Maybe it’s even just because I’m not getting enough sleep. (I’ve even been told I’ve been subdued today because I’ve swapped my red bandana for a blue one).

No matter what, I’ve spent the day feeling disappointed. I’ve not been as chirpy as normal. I haven’t thought highly of people, or patient with them. I’ve got a cynical, pessimistic view of the people around me – the world at large.

The world is a cold place. People go around in their self-contained, self-absorbed bubbles; trying to screw everyone else over, just making sure they end up in front of everyone else. When people give more than they take, the rest of the world sucks the generous few dry. We bounce around alone, gathering fleeting moments of happiness, trying to shield ourselves from the world out there that doesn’t care. When you start to fall, who is there to help catch you?

All you have to do is cry.

AcidCat

Look into my eyes... not around my eyes

I'm currently buzzing. I've just had my first session of trying to hypnotise someone else.

I've been flicking through lots of books on hypnosis, but mainly working from

"The dreamer's guide to mastering self-hypnosis" by Charles Tebbett
"Scripts & strategies in hypnotherapy" by Roger P. Allen
and
"Tricks of the mind" by Derren Brown.

I've always been fascinated by hypnosis, especially after seeing what Derren Brown does on TV. I still don't really understand hypnosis, despite reading about it (and I have no idea how stage hypnosis works, especially as quickly as that for the induction).

Anyway, V-- kindly agreed to be my guinea pig today. I had scribbled down some notes to give me some pointers and planned roughly what I was going to say. It was mainly a really relaxing script, to make a feeling and sensation of heaviness, with a little bit of trying to help with insomnia thrown in as a bonus (as I thought it was subtle anyway).

I was really nervous at the start, and certain bits didn't go so well. Like when I tried to make her arm really heavy and stick, she was able to lift it, albeit quite slowly and heavily. Luckily Derren Brown's book had mentioned a get around for that so it carried on ok.

The session ended up feeling like just a prolonged relaxation session, there was no magic there... I wonder if that is what hypnosis is: relaxation of the conscious mind to try and alter the subconscious? I needed to work on the pacing - I was leaving pauses in the wrong places, and I also contradicted some of the images V-- built up in her head by things I said (and when I brought her out at the end I forgot to say she could open her eyes, which meant she finished a bit confused and unsure), but otherwise I think it went well. I enjoyed it, and once I got over my nerves at the start, things went well.

I'm excited. Looking forwards to trying it again! Just have to do a large chunk of work first... exams on Friday (written) and Monday week (practical - OSCEs)

Let's go and work!

AcidCat

PS Huge thanks to V-- for being such a kind guinea pig. You were fantastic and really supportive, and I really appreciated the lovely feedback!

Snow willpower

Work life balance needs a little bit of work...

This weekend I've had too much life, and too little work. Fun, yes, but not right.

This evening I should have been more focussed.

To be fair though, it snowed! Enough to snowball fight and snowman... I wasn't sure if it would still be there tomorrow, so I went to frolic out in the snow. It was really enjoyable but it did mean I'm up at 2 am having done my work to a standard which is ok, but not as well as I would like.

Ah well, tomorrow is a new day!

AcidCat

Chinese New Year resolutions

Just got back from a Tube station themed party (I pillaged the nearest hedge, and with the benefit of copious sticky tape and staples, went as "Bushey" - without realising that Bushey is only an overground railway station and not an underground. Sigh. The costume almost doubles up for Green Park or Wood Green) which I wasn't very keen on going to. I was thinking of ditching it as I wasn't in the mood up until climbing into the cab.

As you might be able to guess as I'm now writing this after 5 am, I had a lovely time, really enjoyed myself and was thoroughly glad I went. I received a lovely compliment from a friend (L----) who didn't realise I was having second thoughts about medicine, who said that I would make a good doctor and said I was very talented and that I had a lot of charisma which in his opinion was a large part of the battle with doctoring (this coming from a guy who is super-charismatic). The whole evening shows an advantage to saying yes.

So, in honour of this, and as I made so many New year resolutions that I lost track of them, here are my Chinese new year resolutions...

1) Be Happy.
2) Be Focussed (i.e. when working I'm going to work, when playing I'm going to play. I'm not going to mix the two).
3) If I don't know whether to say yes or no, I'm going to say yes.

3 resolutions seems reasonable. Let's do it!

AcidCat