Motivation

To try and earn some money to fund my life, I'm trying to spend a little bit of time tutoring chemistry. I put my details on a tutoring website, and had my first student called M------- today.

I was a bit annoyed as M------- is extremely disorganised. For example, I rang her a week ago asking her to ring me back to confirm a lesson after talking to her parents. I ended up having to ring her the day before the lesson was due to take place (multiple times) trying to get it confirmed.

I turned up after travelling for over an hour to get there, only to find that she hadn't discussed details with her parents till that day. I arrive at her flat, which was squalid, and smelt appalling (seriously ~R, if you think I'm bad, you haven't seen anything - think something off Kim and Aggie). There were three youngish sons from about 6-14 who were running amok (but seemed like really lovely kids).

I met M-------'s father, Thomas, who wanted to talk to me about how we were going to do the lessons and everything like that. I don't mind that, and I normally allow time for that, but it took a lot longer than I wanted. In addition, apparently, M------- hadn't told him my rates before he said it was ok, and he said he can't afford them (having seen their living conditions, I'm not surprised and it wasn't just a bargaining tactic). I agreed to take her for the reduced rate, but we were going to meet somewhere more convenient for me in future. I found it was an example of low socioeconomic background forming a barrier for education, so I thought I'd do my bit to help someone poorer try and improve themselves. To be honest, I wasn't a big fan of the father, but the kids were really nice. The sons were clearly crying out for attention, and were trying to impress me - I really think the parenting could do with a lot of work: Dad needs to spend more time with kids without piling on the pressure (I could see him being classic pushy parent with M-------).

I thought after coming all this way, I would do the lesson (otherwise the morning would have been a complete write off), despite the fact that it would make me miss gymnastics. I told them that we couldn't do the lesson in their home (it was far too chaotic and messy and loud with the kids - not their fault, just not amenable to work). So we went to their "local" library - which ended up being quite a long walk away.

I spoke to M------- on the walk down, and my instincts about pushy parenting were confirmed. I asked the questions that I couldn't ask in front of her dad, finding out how big the task in front of us was. My fears were confirmed - her dad didn't realise how bad her results were and how much of a struggle trying to improve them would be. I also found out her motivation for tutoring, as she also genuinely wanted to learn. She realised that if she gets high enough results to go to university she'll have a chance for freedom and space. Sadly due to pushy parenting (dad wanted her to be a doctor) she's chosen a very optimistic course - pharmacy at Manchester - requiring a B. As someone who scored so low in her AS chemistry that her school won't let her take A2 chemistry (so she's doing it from learning with me and self-teaching), I really think that it's slightly mission impossible.

This was only confirmed to me when I actually took her for the lesson. Her skills were appallingly bad. She struggled to balance chemical equations - a skill that I thought was required for GCSE chemistry - let alone A level. I took her through a discussion of enthalpy changes.

In the end I gave about 3 hours to M------- and her dad for 80% of the money that we agreed on for one hour. (Including the travel time and expenses, I took significantly less than minimum wage for this). I've taken on a pretty much impossible mission that I am likely to fail on. I'd really like to see her do well though.

An interesting thing struck me when I was trying to motivate her, and also discuss her study habits. I told her that she had a big task ahead of her, and she would have to work really hard to have even a chance of achieving her goal. She'd have to make sacrifices and start being pro-active with her learning - I asked her to take time to work without distractions, to answer questions and read over her notes. But the rewards were good and were clearly something that she wants.

I realised a lot of this applies to me in my learning. I'm not working hard enough, and I'm not working smart enough. I need to test myself more by answering questions. I need to work without music and without flicking to websites or distracting myself with comic books. When I work - I need to work hard. That will give me enough time to play and be with ~R, my favourite thing in the world.

And the possible rewards for me are great too. I can be a doctor, but not only that - if I work hard enough, I can help ~R too. I know she struggles sometimes, not because she's not smart enough (I think she's actually smarter than I am), just because she's never learned how to apply her cleverness to learning. So if I can find ways to make things she struggles with easy to learn and interesting, it would make me really happy. I love her so much, and would love to feel that I have stuff to offer her. She makes me so incredibly happy, and she says I make her happy. I just want to be good enough, so that she never turns round and thinks I'm not good enough for her and we need to part our ways. I love her and want her for as long as I can have her.

This is an unbelievably over-long and rambling post, so I'm going to stop there.

AcidCat

Back to good

I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.

I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.

When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.

I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.

When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).

We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.

Love you ~R

AcidCat

:-(

I'm feeling really low.

After a tedious group presentation that I did most of the work for (but will get the same mark as my co-workers) and a pretty long shitty day, walking home with ~R made me seriously sad.

Yesterday, she went to visit one of her friends from her last degree who recommended that ~R dump me.

Basically, ~R feels that I like her a lot more than she likes me (which I think is probably true). She stuck the proviso in that she might like me more in the future, and that we should just see how things go. I don't know if this is really a reason for us to go our separate ways...

Anyway, I'm left feeling a bit confused and like I'm receiving mixed messages. She kissed me on the way back afterwards.

Damn. And just when I was starting to feel happy and that life was going my way. I'd even stopped taking Prozac for the past few days because I was feeling over the moon.

I think part of what pisses me off is that someone I've never met is encouraging ~R to dump me. I've been waiting for something like this to happen, so tried to treat all my time with ~R as a bonus, but I'm greedy: I've got a taste for it and I want more.

Damn.

AcidCat

Something positive

Thanks to comments from my newly re-livered friend D---, Ash (from Arien Musings) and my sister, I'm now feeling a lot more positive about yesterday's date.

Bottom line is, I now realise I was hoping for too much.

I had fun yesterday. Let's just see how things go and hope to have some more days out where we have fun and then see if we connect.

Thanks to all of you guys. You're all fantastic.

Love
AcidCat

PMT empathy

I've been feeling depressed and anti-social again today. For lunch I couldn't face being around anyone else, so I got take-out from the canteen and went to sit on my own in a room.

What doesn't help a bad mood is when people who know you suffer from seasonal affective disorder just say stuff like "Just sit in front of your light/go get some sun". It feels like you're being told that if you have a shit mood/bad day, the only possible reason is your SAD, and so once you sort that out then everything will always be fine for you. I'm just glad that most people don't know I suffer from depression too, otherwise being told to "just go and take your Prozac" might drive me to physical violence. I really sympathise with women, who frequently suffer from the indignity of having their anger labelled as "must be their time of their month". All you bearers of the XX chromosome, please accept my apologies as someone with XY chromosomes.

What did make things better (in addition to an afternoon nap today) was being asked to have a coffee with C------. (Incidentally she is one of the few who I think realises I suffer from depression - a few people know a certain things, which combined with attention and empathy should let them know my mental status). After the skills session today (where we learnt to intubate - really exciting! Just like on TV, but much, much harder - requiring more muscle power than they show) she asked if I fancied a coffee. We went to have a chat for 20 minutes and she asked after me, but just the action of speaking to someone who came to find me was lovely and made me feel like I'm a part of the world, and not just floating lost.

Thanks C------. I noticed that after that, and after a nap things are getting progressively better. I may still be up after midnight trying to do work for tomorrow, with an exam that I feel underprepared for looming, but I feel ok about it.

AcidCat

Motto

My new motto for life:

Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

If I feel down about something, that is going to be my first thought.

Grr...

I can do it.

AcidCat

Random bits

You really can't go back. I went back to my old lab for a visit, but people had moved on. Was lovely to see my old boss though. And met the new people who were nice. Sadly met up with Jizznut who is still a nasty piece of work - which reminded me the main reason I was happy to leave.

Religious nutters seem to like me. Jehovah's witnesses even find me in shops (while off duty and incognito so I can't spot them and avoid them).

I can't work out what to do with the girl who I obsess about. Should I go cold turkey and avoid her to try and get her out of my mind and break this addiction? Should I try and stay clear of her so I don't fall into the "good friends" category so I maybe have a chance with her later? Should I just abandon hope of anything at all like that and go for friends so I can bask in her presence? I dunno!

I'm lucky enough to have friends who are kind enough to tolerate my company, and insanely seem pleased to see me. I'm very sad that I no longer share study groups with the one I didn't have a lovely cup of tea with this evening(!).

I am a bit of an eejit. I tried to goad a friendly flatmate into working, by saying that if she did 2 hours of solid revision I'd go out and buy her ice creams from Sainsbury's. I managed to guilt her into trying to work... but didn't think it through as it meant I had a late night cycle ride in the freezing cold to buy them. Not very bright of me, but hopefully in tomorrow's exam it will pay off. And it got her to go and sit in her room (hopefully working) for a little bit.

Enough random bits for the time being. My brain is turning off anyway.

AcidCat

Thank God it's Friday.

I'm so glad I've got to Friday in (pretty much) one piece. I've been exhausted and it's been such hard going so far. Working late and struggling to keep up in lectures. I feel like I've been sprinting for a little bit too long, and I can't keep it going. However, with exams in less than two weeks, I don't have the luxury of taking it easy and recovering.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to spend a fair amount of time with the wonderful one who has stolen my heart today. I got to spend a one hour coffee-break between lectures with her and two other friends and she organised a little DVD evening with three other friends that I was invited to.

I still have a lot of fun by hanging out with her, but I'm still getting tongue-tied around her. She's made it so very clear that she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, and certainly never with anyone she's working with - so often that I wonder if she knows how I feel about her. It's a bit frustrating. It should make me feel better, let me put her to the back of her mind, try and be her friend but instead I want her, but I can't have her. I can't put her out of my mind, and it doesn't help that I want to be around her. It's pretty sad as I don't feel this way about many people. I felt this way about my ex, but I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with her and thought I'd have a "happy ever after" with her.

It's sad. I seem to be a master of unrequited love. People want to find their place in life and the person they are meant to be with. I think that's the key to happiness.

On the "facebook" status pages of friends (I've started using facebook a little more - another thing to add to my list of procrastinations) I saw something beautiful and poetic written by a friend who I don't associate with art.

"[Friend] thinks that [place] shrouded in nighttime fog might be the most beautiful thing in the world. He just wishes he had had someone to share it with though."

I do think that is the answer. One is a lonely number. If you're lucky enough to be in a two, please remember how lucky you are. However, if you're in a two that isn't right - please do something about it sooner than later. The pain is going to get worse, both for you and them.

Goodnight
AcidCat

Give.

Just an incredibly short post today, as I'm horrendously swamped with work due in tomorrow.

Thought for the day:
It really is better to give than receive. I did a few good deeds today, and they gave me the warm fuzzies more than if I'd received the similar treatment. It can make you happy.

AcidCat

It's gonna hurt but I have to say goodbye

Hi everybody,

I got rung up today with a friend having personal problems. It's another relationship thing. He rang me because he realised I had gone through a very similar experience.

Poor thing had been strung along by a girl, and he fell in love with her. When she told him it wasn't love, at least not reciprocated...

He's going through the same lack of sleep, unwillingless to eat or do anything. He wanted to stay in touch with her, even though she was just playing games with him (still).

What do you do, when nothing you do will do any good? I could tell the advice to steer clear fell on deaf ears. Feeling powerless is horrible.

All I have to say is: if you're going through this kind of dilemma, don't try and do it alone. Lean on your friends. They're there for you, even if your mind warps itself into believing they don't care.

Love to all, especially anyone in pain.

AcidCat

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

Pinched from scribd.

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.

2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time

3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.

4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.

5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.

6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.

7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.” They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.

8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.

9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.

10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.

11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.

12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.

13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.

14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “Fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.

15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.

16. Keep fit.

17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.

18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.

19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.

20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs.” They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.

21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.

22. Have and nurture friendships with women.

23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.

24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30's or older.

25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look.” Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.

26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.

28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.

29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)

The song "Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann (of Moulin Rouge, Romeo and Juliet and Strictly Ballroom fame) makes me feel sad, hopeful, happy, grounded.

A wonderful song.

It's based on an article by Mary Schmich from the Chicago Tribune.

Uplifting words and song.

AcidCat


Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted On The Young

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

• Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
• Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
• Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
• Do one thing every day that scares you.
• Sing.
• Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
• Floss.
• Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
• Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
• Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
• Stretch.
• Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
• Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
• Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
• Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
• Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
• Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
• Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
• Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
• Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
• Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
• Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
• Travel.
• Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
• Respect your elders.
• Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
• Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
• Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

--Mary Schmich