I'm feeling lost at the moment. I had quite a good weekend away in Oxford, and saw some lovely friends, but depression is hitting me quite hard, so I feel like I'm floating. Everything is really changing. One of my best friends (Pimp Daddy) in the group is leaving this week, there's a new intake of students. The dynamic is all mixed up.
I'm all confused so I'm going to bullet point to put my thoughts in order.
- I really relate to something Stephen Fry said when he talked about his manic depression in his documentary "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive".
Here is one of the most gifted, intelligent, witty polymaths who I really look up to and idolise, and he said something along the lines of "I'm a totally worthless bastard" when talking about how he felt in a bout of depression. He then said he tended to hide away until it passed if he could.
Now I don't really have the arrogance or belief to even begin to compare myself against such a titan, but I feel exactly the same way. I don't know how I'm going to achieve anything worthwhile, and feel like my life is slipping me by. I'd love to hide away and hibernate, but I don't have time to and that's giving me huge stress and guilt.
- I got an interview for a temporary chemical research job.
Now this should be a good thing, especially as I looked at my CV and research summary I sent them at the time and thought that it looked pathetic. However, I'm due to go there on Monday and give a talk I haven't written and answer questions I feel I won't know the answers to. My wonderful boss and the great friend who's leaving both gave me pep talks and gave me as much help as they could, but I'm wondering who I'm kidding. I don't feel employable, short of dead end pointless jobs like burger-flipping, or lab tech positions I'd be overqualified for.
- I'm starting to get cold feet about applying for medicine.
Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I just doing it to delay getting a job that I don't think I'm capable of getting? Am I good enough to manage it? Am I just looking at the glamorous aspects of it? I'm so scared.
- Will I ever get this thesis finished? And pass? Will I let my boss down?
I'm spending far too much time procrastinating, and I just feel so dumb.
All of these bullets so far seem to be all related to this depression and the niggling self-doubt that reigns. I'm desperately trying to overcome them, and writing this all down have helped make them seem like smaller issues, but it isn't easy. Tomorrow will be a new start.
- I have some great friends
The first optimistic bullet. My amazing boss who gave me a hell of a pep talk about jobs, thesis, me and is an amazingly nice guy. Pimp Daddy (off to great things at a chemical company) gave me so much support over his time in the lab and who frequently bent over backwards to help me. RingLeader who is one of few people who I feel actually is pleased to see me when I turn up. The wonderful girls I've talked about in the past who keep picking me up and putting me back on my feet without even knowing it. Sometimes it's just an email or a lovely comment, but it can mean everything. The Crazy Italian who has an image of me that I can't live up to, but it's still flattering.
Only downside is that I'm not worthy of these people (or maybe that's the depression talking). I was talking to someone this weekend and commenting about how it felt when you have erudite and witty friends and all their tales are exciting and your topics or way of telling the stories just doesn't match up.
Also most of my other friends don't really care about me. They're good people, but I only rate one iota higher than acquaintances to most of them.
They are all fab, but this weekend my brother and sister in particular showed they'd bend over backwards to help me and they care about me and that counts for a hell of a lot in this world and in my mind. I would go through fire to help these people. Literally if I had to.
I wonder if it's coincidence, or it's just the people, or it's my view, but the people doing Tai Chi at Oxford just seem really nice, and some of them I'd only known for minutes, but the talking at the pub seemed to flow much easier than with most people. There was no hostility or one-upmanship, it was just friendly banter. I wonder if it's because it's a pretty peaceful non-competitive discipline which is partly spiritual.
I don't think it's just me, because I wasn't so receptive to all the new people I met at my work place. Our new PhD student is amazingly lovely, she's so kind and she's a very welcome addition to the group and I'm just sad I haven't had the chance to get to know her better. The new undergraduates didn't do as much for me as the Tai Chi peeps though. The Crazy Italian had managed to suss that out faster than me. RingLeader's new protege did make me laugh though, he's either going to drive Ringleader mad or become his best friend.
Anyway, that's it for today. I'm feeling a bit better for all this so I'm off to bed happier.
Goodnight all!
AcidCat
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