Hi everybody!
When I was at the library to blog, I borrowed some comic books while I was there.
I've been drowning my misery in the tales of superheroes.
I've been addicted to the exploits of loads of superheroes. The stars of 2000AD such as Judge Dredd and the stalwarts of Marvel like Spiderman, the X-men, Iron man, Wolverine (even before the movies revived their fortunes). In particular DC comics were my drug of choice, with the stellar members of the Justice League: Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Green Lantern and the Flash.
My particular favourite was Batman.
Batman was the story of Bruce Wayne who was born into a privileged position of wealth and luxury. When he witnessed his parents gunned down in front of him, he didn't descend into self-pity and self-destruction. He didn't grow into an irresponsible, drug-snorting playboy. Instead he channeled the anger of the event and used it to fuel his determination to bring justice to the city.
I love comic books. I love the sense that the actions of a single determined individual can make a big difference to people's lives. I love the fact that these people are driven by a sense of right. I love the happy endings.
It gives me a few moments of escape from my life to a world of excitement, but more importantly a world of justice and redemption.
AcidCat
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Sometimes I feel that my only friend
... is the city I live in, the city of angels - Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Under the Bridge
Hi everybody!
I felt the itching to blog. Though it isn't convenient (as I can't do it at work and I don't have an internet connection at home) the need was so strong that I left work early and walked down to the library to get a terminal.
I feel so isolated. It's a really unpleasant feeling. It just feels like I'm vanishing into the background and fading away.
There are very few people who will speak to me at my work place. Granted, I'm not the gregarious heart and soul of any party, but when you get ignored unless people want something it doesn't feel pleasant. I may as well not be there for the impact I make on anyone else (barring the amount I accomplish in terms of chemistry).
Being at work is also my main activity. On weekdays, I work my ass off. I generally get in to work between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning, and leave generally between 7 and 8:30 pm. On the plus side, as I get paid per hour, it's pretty lucrative. However, it leaves me with very little time or energy to do anything in the evenings. That's why the lack of meaningful contact with my work colleagues seems even worse.
Weekends are a bit of a welcome relief. Generally I'll spend it with members of my family: the only people in the whole world I really feel truly comfortable in the presence of. I don't need to work really hard being entertaining or struggle to just get acknowledged. They appreciate being with me just as much as I like being with them.
Last weekend was spent with a few of my old labmates. I got to have lunch with my ex-boss who is amazing and I admire greatly. However, I've got a feeling in my head that I have to be on my best behaviour to impress him so he doesn't think less of me. This is utter rubbish as he's fantastic and doesn't care what I do, but still it makes me more alert and on edge. Seeing some of my lab mates made me realise that although I had some very good times there, it is time to move on. I don't belong there: people are moving along without me, without really thinking about me, it's time for me to face the future and leave the past behind.
Time to stop there, my time on the library computer is coming to an end, and I'll hopefully be able to post at leisure this weekend anyway.
AcidCat
Hi everybody!
I felt the itching to blog. Though it isn't convenient (as I can't do it at work and I don't have an internet connection at home) the need was so strong that I left work early and walked down to the library to get a terminal.
I feel so isolated. It's a really unpleasant feeling. It just feels like I'm vanishing into the background and fading away.
There are very few people who will speak to me at my work place. Granted, I'm not the gregarious heart and soul of any party, but when you get ignored unless people want something it doesn't feel pleasant. I may as well not be there for the impact I make on anyone else (barring the amount I accomplish in terms of chemistry).
Being at work is also my main activity. On weekdays, I work my ass off. I generally get in to work between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning, and leave generally between 7 and 8:30 pm. On the plus side, as I get paid per hour, it's pretty lucrative. However, it leaves me with very little time or energy to do anything in the evenings. That's why the lack of meaningful contact with my work colleagues seems even worse.
Weekends are a bit of a welcome relief. Generally I'll spend it with members of my family: the only people in the whole world I really feel truly comfortable in the presence of. I don't need to work really hard being entertaining or struggle to just get acknowledged. They appreciate being with me just as much as I like being with them.
Last weekend was spent with a few of my old labmates. I got to have lunch with my ex-boss who is amazing and I admire greatly. However, I've got a feeling in my head that I have to be on my best behaviour to impress him so he doesn't think less of me. This is utter rubbish as he's fantastic and doesn't care what I do, but still it makes me more alert and on edge. Seeing some of my lab mates made me realise that although I had some very good times there, it is time to move on. I don't belong there: people are moving along without me, without really thinking about me, it's time for me to face the future and leave the past behind.
Time to stop there, my time on the library computer is coming to an end, and I'll hopefully be able to post at leisure this weekend anyway.
AcidCat
Sunday, April 13, 2008
My heart will go on?
...and I'm back again!
Hi everybody!
So, I saw a news story yesterday on the BBC News that made me absolutely furious.
Mother denied daughter's organs - Saturday, 12 April 2008 15:00 news.bbc.co.uk
Click on the hyperlink above if you want to know more about it, but here are the salient points.
However, if it were me and my organs (helpfully ignoring the fact for one moment that I would be too dead to express my view point), I would say either my relative gets the required organ, or none of my organs can be used for transplant. At all.
I think it seems fair that in exchange that the offer to help strangers with a donation of my heart, lungs, corneas, liver, pancreas and one of my kidneys, I should be able to help a loved one by deciding where one of my organs go.
I'm going to try and find a donor card (as shockingly I'm not on the organ donor list), but alter it, so that it covers this eventuality. It's going to say something along the lines of:
"I donate any of my organs, as long as any of my close family who require organs for a medical condition receive organs first. If not, I do not offer any of my organs."
I have a feeling that as the rules currently stand, then they won't accept any of my organs. I don't think that's fair at all. They will lose out badly. I think this could dent the popularity of organ donation (and they are extremely short on organs) by not seeming to be a fair system.
I understand the counter-argument that if you allow people to decide where their organs go completely you could end up with serious problems (e.g "I want my organs to only go to people of this religious group/racial group/sexual orientation), but I think this is a long way off helping your relatives first (which should give you the best chance for a successful transplant anyway, as you've got a closer tissue match).
I'm really upset and worked up about this. If anyone thinks they can convince me otherwise and change my opinion, I would be gratefulto hear the arguments. I think you'd struggle to change my mind though.
Your furiously
AcidCat
Hi everybody!
So, I saw a news story yesterday on the BBC News that made me absolutely furious.
Mother denied daughter's organs - Saturday, 12 April 2008 15:00 news.bbc.co.uk
Click on the hyperlink above if you want to know more about it, but here are the salient points.
- Mother urgently needs a kidney transplant due to diabetes induced organ failure.
- Daughter agrees to be a living donor (i.e. donate a kidney whilst still alive).
- Daughter suffers a coughing fit and dies.
- Daughter's kidneys go to two strangers on the transplant waiting list.
However, if it were me and my organs (helpfully ignoring the fact for one moment that I would be too dead to express my view point), I would say either my relative gets the required organ, or none of my organs can be used for transplant. At all.
I think it seems fair that in exchange that the offer to help strangers with a donation of my heart, lungs, corneas, liver, pancreas and one of my kidneys, I should be able to help a loved one by deciding where one of my organs go.
I'm going to try and find a donor card (as shockingly I'm not on the organ donor list), but alter it, so that it covers this eventuality. It's going to say something along the lines of:
"I donate any of my organs, as long as any of my close family who require organs for a medical condition receive organs first. If not, I do not offer any of my organs."
I have a feeling that as the rules currently stand, then they won't accept any of my organs. I don't think that's fair at all. They will lose out badly. I think this could dent the popularity of organ donation (and they are extremely short on organs) by not seeming to be a fair system.
I understand the counter-argument that if you allow people to decide where their organs go completely you could end up with serious problems (e.g "I want my organs to only go to people of this religious group/racial group/sexual orientation), but I think this is a long way off helping your relatives first (which should give you the best chance for a successful transplant anyway, as you've got a closer tissue match).
I'm really upset and worked up about this. If anyone thinks they can convince me otherwise and change my opinion, I would be gratefulto hear the arguments. I think you'd struggle to change my mind though.
Your furiously
AcidCat
So tired of being alone
Hi everybody!
Sorry for the lack of updates. Still wrestling with absence of internet connection.
Anyway, todays post is a whinge with me feeling sorry for myself.
Even though my heartbreak happened about a year and a half ago, it still hurts. I've thought about her every day since (I thought that was just a cliche until it happened to me). Time is making it less raw, and the occasional dream is helping me to deal with it (mainly by making me think about it despite my not wanting to. I believe in the healing power of dreams**). It's still knocked me sideways, and stripped out my confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes I can hide it for a bit and play the extrovert for a short while, but I've retreated into a protective shell, where things can't hurt me.
I've concentrated on getting my work life where I want it, as it's something I actually have some control over, as it relies less on other people, and more on myself. I've tried to find a career that will be satisfying and I can thrown myself into (hence my plans to start medical training) so I can cope with being alone, possibly for the rest of my life.
However, yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from a while back. She was one of the people who really helped me through when it all went wrong two Septembers ago. We just met to catch up as I hadn't seen her for over a year, and she and I were vaguely in the area.
I had a fab time with her. Problem is, it made me realise that no matter how satisfying the career, I don't think I can be alone forever.
I really like her. She's funny, cool, kind, interesting, outgoing, special, unique, pretty and just all round amazing. Sadly, she's totally out of my league, and I'm reasonably certain not even remotely interested in me. (It's still cool to be her friend anyway). But just an afternoon of wandering around chatting, looking at art that I'm normally not the slightest bit interested in and just wasting time over coffee made me realise how much I miss that companionship with an amazing person that I can look up to.
I think until I sort out my self-esteem and confidence issues though, I don't think I'll ever find anyone at all.
And on that slightly melancholy note, good bye everybody
AcidCat
** Dreams are amazing things. When you're put through a trauma your subconscious seems to try and help you via your dream state with what you need to get better in the long run, which doesn't necessarily coincide with what you want or need in the short term. When I first got dumped and was in the lowest state in my entire life, I kept having dreams that it hadn't happened. It meant that for an hour or two every so often I was actually happy and at peace (this coincided with my insomnia, so even my subconscious couldn't keep up a facade that long). After a bit, they turned to dreams without her in them which gave me the space to start getting over it all. Recently I had one where she was in my dream, (I had met up with her for some reason), and but I knew it was over, and she kept mentioning it (despite me constantly telling her not to). I think it signalled acceptance.
What I don't think dreams are any more are signs. At first post-split, with the dreams where everything was fine, I thought (or hoped) that it was a sign that things would be fine. Apparently it's common for people post-bereavement to dream about their lost loved ones. I don't actually think it's a message from beyond or anything like that. Just treat it as a happy memory. A dream.
Sorry for the lack of updates. Still wrestling with absence of internet connection.
Anyway, todays post is a whinge with me feeling sorry for myself.
Even though my heartbreak happened about a year and a half ago, it still hurts. I've thought about her every day since (I thought that was just a cliche until it happened to me). Time is making it less raw, and the occasional dream is helping me to deal with it (mainly by making me think about it despite my not wanting to. I believe in the healing power of dreams**). It's still knocked me sideways, and stripped out my confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes I can hide it for a bit and play the extrovert for a short while, but I've retreated into a protective shell, where things can't hurt me.
I've concentrated on getting my work life where I want it, as it's something I actually have some control over, as it relies less on other people, and more on myself. I've tried to find a career that will be satisfying and I can thrown myself into (hence my plans to start medical training) so I can cope with being alone, possibly for the rest of my life.
However, yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from a while back. She was one of the people who really helped me through when it all went wrong two Septembers ago. We just met to catch up as I hadn't seen her for over a year, and she and I were vaguely in the area.
I had a fab time with her. Problem is, it made me realise that no matter how satisfying the career, I don't think I can be alone forever.
I really like her. She's funny, cool, kind, interesting, outgoing, special, unique, pretty and just all round amazing. Sadly, she's totally out of my league, and I'm reasonably certain not even remotely interested in me. (It's still cool to be her friend anyway). But just an afternoon of wandering around chatting, looking at art that I'm normally not the slightest bit interested in and just wasting time over coffee made me realise how much I miss that companionship with an amazing person that I can look up to.
I think until I sort out my self-esteem and confidence issues though, I don't think I'll ever find anyone at all.
And on that slightly melancholy note, good bye everybody
AcidCat
** Dreams are amazing things. When you're put through a trauma your subconscious seems to try and help you via your dream state with what you need to get better in the long run, which doesn't necessarily coincide with what you want or need in the short term. When I first got dumped and was in the lowest state in my entire life, I kept having dreams that it hadn't happened. It meant that for an hour or two every so often I was actually happy and at peace (this coincided with my insomnia, so even my subconscious couldn't keep up a facade that long). After a bit, they turned to dreams without her in them which gave me the space to start getting over it all. Recently I had one where she was in my dream, (I had met up with her for some reason), and but I knew it was over, and she kept mentioning it (despite me constantly telling her not to). I think it signalled acceptance.
What I don't think dreams are any more are signs. At first post-split, with the dreams where everything was fine, I thought (or hoped) that it was a sign that things would be fine. Apparently it's common for people post-bereavement to dream about their lost loved ones. I don't actually think it's a message from beyond or anything like that. Just treat it as a happy memory. A dream.
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