Basically, I realised that the break up has been good for me. It's made me a stronger person, it's made me hit rock bottom, so by comparison the typical day to day problems of life seem trivial. It's made me get help for my mild depression by sending me into a deep depression, so I know more ways of coping. I now value and realise how important my friends are, and how much material things matter compared to things like love and friendship. It's given me a real drive to study medicine to do something worthwhile with my life and do something that I really want to do.
Having said that all though, if I could wave a magic wand and undo it all, I would without a moment's thought. I miss her badly and think of her every day. I don't know if I really want her back after she put me through all that misery, but I wish things were like they were. It really hurt and really screwed up my entire life.
Every time I see a happy couple together or a pretty girl (which as I think women are beautiful, happens a hell of a lot) it makes me remember how happy I was, and how lonely I am. I wonder if I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone, as I only really seem to be falling in love with people who I don't have a chance with. I think many girls are gorgeous, but I tend to only fall in love with people who I know, as it really is the personality that I fall in love with (but the beauty often does drag me in for a closer look). I don't want to settle for second best. It means if I'm fated to spend my life alone, I have to really get into medicine... I need it to make it all worthwhile.
Send me an angel to love,
I need to feel a little piece of heaven.
Send me an angel to love,
I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven.
--Garbage - My Lover's Box
I'm still waiting for my angel to arrive. I'm ready at any time.
If any of you are lucky enough to be in love, and are with your beloved, value them.
Love to you all,
AcidCat
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