It's my birthday this week and for my birthday I would like:
- To find my place in this world (the place where I feel like I fit in).
- A group of friends who actually seem to care about me.
- To recover from depression without medication.
- To be more confident and outgoing.
- For my grandma to get better and my mum to feel happier.
- To know whether I should be studying medicine or should go back to chemistry.
- To have requited love (ideally with the amazing one).
- To just spend more time with the amazing one.
- To win an obscene amount of money so I can start funding some of my secret world-changing plans.
- To understand and "do" hypnosis (I've been trying self-hypnosis and don't know if it's working).
- To live in a world where people get what they deserve (a sort of fast-acting karma).
And if I can't have any of the above, clothes, a dictaphone or a digital radio would be nice.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Life sucks
When you're ill, (even with just a cold) and your alone and lonely, with no-one to look after you and no-one to care about you, life really sucks.
AcidCat
AcidCat
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Destiny's Child
From the excellent "Girl vs Pig" webcomic, issue 222
I've spent a lot of time today (when I should have been working) wondering why the hell I'm here at medical school. It's really hard work, and I don't think I'm a natural at it. I'm not in the lucky position of some of my friends who are desperate to become a doctor and it's their dream job. I could (probably) find work as a chemist and it would pay pretty damn well, would give me a reasonably fulfilling, challenging occupation and would scratch my itch to learn science.
I'm slightly worried that I'm the girl in the "Girl vs. Pig" comic above, bouncing from one situation to the next, not really knowing what to do. Just doing whatever takes my fancy until I get bored of it and all of the hard work goes to waste.
However, one thing I've been wondering is: am I destined to be a doctor? Not saying it would necessarily be the right decision anyway, but it made me wonder. I had been dabbling with the idea of studying medicine on and off between finishing my first degree and throughout the PhD... One inspiration was a chance meeting with one of my labmates in the computer room one day, and I saw her looking at a website about joining this course. I hadn't realised that she had an interest in it, and we had a bit of a chat about it. She said she was interested (and had clearly been looking at it more seriously than I had, as she had found out far more details), but wasn't sure whether or not to apply, and the closing date was coming up. I suggested it was a good idea to just apply and see where the pieces fell, as she had nothing to lose by just applying. She got in, took up the place and thanked me for helping her choose her pathway. She's now in her final year and is abroad in India on a placement.
The other event which was pretty pivotal was getting dumped. I was already planning on applying to do medicine by this point, but wasn't really sure about it. The med schools I had chosen to apply to were selected on the basis of allowing me be close to her... i.e. the London ones. When I got dumped, it really shook me up (you never would have guessed, the way I've been going on about it, would you?) and it left me wanting more from life. I started feeling that I had a yawning chasm in my life that could never be replaced, so it pushed me into coming to med school as a chance to do some good in the world. My thinking was that if I couldn't be happy myself, at least I could try and bring in some happiness by proxy by making other people better.
Weird thing was, if she'd dumped me before then, before the germ of the idea was sown, I don't think that I would have gone through with it. Similarly, if she hadn't dumped me, or dumped me much later, there was a fair chance I would have changed my mind and gone to do something else, maybe a research job, maybe a post-doc, just something so I could be with her.
This has made me wonder if I'm just meant to be here. On the other hand, the rational, scientific, logical, reasoning side of me wants to brain myself for being so dim. The Richard Dawkins in me is screaming at me to tell me that it's just coincidence, or just my reading significance into chance events. That's probably right, but just maybe...
To be honest, at the moment I need something to hold onto to keep me here. I feel like I'm drowning without it. So the thought that I'm meant to be here is just something I can cling to occasionally. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. I need more motivation. The opportunity to be around the amazing one occasionally is good, but it's also torture. I spent the weekend wondering if it was too much to drop in on her flat without a reason, or trying to concoct an excuse to drop in on her or her flatmates. In the end, cowardice prevailed and I haven't seen her at all. I know her influence is good on me: I never could have written this (overlong) post before her, she's managed to ease the pain, even at the distance she's at.
Let see how long I can keep going for...
AcidCat
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Happy Halloween
Halloween yesterday. I hope all of you were having fun and frights.
For me, yesterday was a bit of a mixed bag. The first exam didn't go brilliantly, but could have gone worse. I don't know how well I did, but it was good to have seen what the exams here are like and what's expected of us.
Post-exam though, the day just stretched on and on. They scheduled a full day of lectures until 4:15 pm, which was quite a challenge to get through. My endurance gave out in the penultimate lecture... my flatmate later pointed out that he saw me fall asleep on my notes, wake up suddenly, furiously scribble a few words that the lecturer had just said, and then fall asleep again almost immediately. Apparently the lecturer had probably noticed, but not said much (perils of sitting in the front few rows). It could have been worse, the ethics lecture beforehand, the lecturer (who dabbles as a magician) who was giving us a demonstration of how people could be influenced, gave us a little demonstration which needed three volunteers... three people in the front row, one of whom was asleep much to her great embarrassment when she realised that the lecturer and entire lecture theatre had realised.
Anyway, the final lecture of the evening was about depression, a subject that I've got an obvious interest in. This week has really emphasised to me how much stigma is still carried on depression, how unsympathetic people who don't actually suffer are, and how untrusted anti-depressants still are.
It really pained me that people seemed to not really understand the difference between depression and sadness. I hated the fact that people seemed to be of the opinion that depression is something that you should "just pull yourself out of". The implication is that people are just feeling self-pity/enjoying being depressed. It worries me that this is the opinion of our future doctors: god help all of us depressives: I worry that the older generations of doctors are even less sympathetic... so it shouldn't surprise me about the very patchy treatment I've received for my depression on the NHS.
That was probably the most illuminating thing about the lecture. The lecturer was very good, but it was a bit of a "beginners guide to depression/grief/bereavement", so I didn't pick up much new. The main point of interest I learned was that the link between depression and cortisol is still unclear, whether depressives have too much cortisol or too little when they have a depressive episode. To me, this is a crucial area of research, which seems reasonably easy to carry out, so I'm very surprised that that trial hasn't been run yet.
In the evening, there was a Halloween disco at the university union which most of my course mates said that they were planning to go to. The plan was for them to go to a house party first, and then come to the disco afterwards. So between lectures finishing and the shops shutting, I tried to get a costume. Problem was, almost all the shops had shut by the time I finished the lectures. The shops which were open had sold out most of the costumes and mainly only had bad/expensive outfits remaining. In the end the best I managed was a pretty iffy kids costume that was a bit of a small fit... non-ideal.
I skipped out on the party to do gymnastics. It was one of the best weeks for gymnastics for me. I managed to land the front and back handsprings (on the sprung floor) and as there was quite a small turn out, the coach let me have a go on the "mushroom" and try to learn how to do circles. It was really difficult and I'm nowhere near managing it, but it was really good fun.
I went to the disco at about 10:30... none of my coursemates ended up coming there... they stayed at the house party all evening. It was a pretty boring evening. I tried to get into the dancing, but it's a bit odd to be the guy dancing on his own, or with people he only knows a bit (a couple of friends of flatmates who I vaguely know). It made me realise that I'm not one of the kids anymore, but also in a way how I'm glad not to be. Lots of them were genuinely having a good time (like my flatmate who as I was leaving was exchanging copious quantities of saliva with a delightful young gentleman), but plenty were clearly not enjoying themselves, but were pretending to, tipping huge quantities of alcohol down their throats just to make it more bearable, and faking having a good time. It seemed so shallow and somehow sad. I was glad to be able to leave all that behind me. I do wish that I felt closer to people though, that I was making an impact on someone, and that someone outside my family would genuinely miss me if I wasn't here. (A bit of an "It's a wonderful life" moment - I assume, I haven't actually seen the movie).
Anyway, I managed to be asleep till 3pm this afternoon, which I was shocked by. I blame the stress of the exam, so my body is catching up on its sleep deficit. It's a gloomy rainy day today anyway (can't believe how dark it is in the early evening), so it wasn't a day worth doing anything with. I'm off to write an application for an expedition (unlikely to get it, but it's one of those trips of a lifetime so I've got to try) and do some medicine. Hopefully, if I can get it all done today, I can have tomorrow off.
AcidCat
PS Congratulations to Captain Anal for becoming Dr. Captain Anal yesterday.
For me, yesterday was a bit of a mixed bag. The first exam didn't go brilliantly, but could have gone worse. I don't know how well I did, but it was good to have seen what the exams here are like and what's expected of us.
Post-exam though, the day just stretched on and on. They scheduled a full day of lectures until 4:15 pm, which was quite a challenge to get through. My endurance gave out in the penultimate lecture... my flatmate later pointed out that he saw me fall asleep on my notes, wake up suddenly, furiously scribble a few words that the lecturer had just said, and then fall asleep again almost immediately. Apparently the lecturer had probably noticed, but not said much (perils of sitting in the front few rows). It could have been worse, the ethics lecture beforehand, the lecturer (who dabbles as a magician) who was giving us a demonstration of how people could be influenced, gave us a little demonstration which needed three volunteers... three people in the front row, one of whom was asleep much to her great embarrassment when she realised that the lecturer and entire lecture theatre had realised.
Anyway, the final lecture of the evening was about depression, a subject that I've got an obvious interest in. This week has really emphasised to me how much stigma is still carried on depression, how unsympathetic people who don't actually suffer are, and how untrusted anti-depressants still are.
It really pained me that people seemed to not really understand the difference between depression and sadness. I hated the fact that people seemed to be of the opinion that depression is something that you should "just pull yourself out of". The implication is that people are just feeling self-pity/enjoying being depressed. It worries me that this is the opinion of our future doctors: god help all of us depressives: I worry that the older generations of doctors are even less sympathetic... so it shouldn't surprise me about the very patchy treatment I've received for my depression on the NHS.
That was probably the most illuminating thing about the lecture. The lecturer was very good, but it was a bit of a "beginners guide to depression/grief/bereavement", so I didn't pick up much new. The main point of interest I learned was that the link between depression and cortisol is still unclear, whether depressives have too much cortisol or too little when they have a depressive episode. To me, this is a crucial area of research, which seems reasonably easy to carry out, so I'm very surprised that that trial hasn't been run yet.
In the evening, there was a Halloween disco at the university union which most of my course mates said that they were planning to go to. The plan was for them to go to a house party first, and then come to the disco afterwards. So between lectures finishing and the shops shutting, I tried to get a costume. Problem was, almost all the shops had shut by the time I finished the lectures. The shops which were open had sold out most of the costumes and mainly only had bad/expensive outfits remaining. In the end the best I managed was a pretty iffy kids costume that was a bit of a small fit... non-ideal.
I skipped out on the party to do gymnastics. It was one of the best weeks for gymnastics for me. I managed to land the front and back handsprings (on the sprung floor) and as there was quite a small turn out, the coach let me have a go on the "mushroom" and try to learn how to do circles. It was really difficult and I'm nowhere near managing it, but it was really good fun.
I went to the disco at about 10:30... none of my coursemates ended up coming there... they stayed at the house party all evening. It was a pretty boring evening. I tried to get into the dancing, but it's a bit odd to be the guy dancing on his own, or with people he only knows a bit (a couple of friends of flatmates who I vaguely know). It made me realise that I'm not one of the kids anymore, but also in a way how I'm glad not to be. Lots of them were genuinely having a good time (like my flatmate who as I was leaving was exchanging copious quantities of saliva with a delightful young gentleman), but plenty were clearly not enjoying themselves, but were pretending to, tipping huge quantities of alcohol down their throats just to make it more bearable, and faking having a good time. It seemed so shallow and somehow sad. I was glad to be able to leave all that behind me. I do wish that I felt closer to people though, that I was making an impact on someone, and that someone outside my family would genuinely miss me if I wasn't here. (A bit of an "It's a wonderful life" moment - I assume, I haven't actually seen the movie).
Anyway, I managed to be asleep till 3pm this afternoon, which I was shocked by. I blame the stress of the exam, so my body is catching up on its sleep deficit. It's a gloomy rainy day today anyway (can't believe how dark it is in the early evening), so it wasn't a day worth doing anything with. I'm off to write an application for an expedition (unlikely to get it, but it's one of those trips of a lifetime so I've got to try) and do some medicine. Hopefully, if I can get it all done today, I can have tomorrow off.
AcidCat
PS Congratulations to Captain Anal for becoming Dr. Captain Anal yesterday.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
No more Mr Nice Guy
Tomorrow I have my first exam for my course. Fortunately it's "formative", which means that the mark doesn't matter at all, it's mainly for our benefit. I have taken this to mean that it's effectively a mock exam. As such, instead of revising hard, I'm tapping out a little blog entry and then going to get a comparatively early night.
Main thing today was a chat I had with one of the amazing one's flatmates (one of my study friends). We spent a little bit of time putting the world to rights (the NHS in particular), and bemoaning the portrayal of doctors by the media and particularly the government. Our experience of doctors has been pretty positive, and people seem driven to study medicine out of an overwhelming desire to help people. It seems a bit odd to vilify them as the government seem intent on doing (but we worked out it's probably out of political expediency: if the NHS is going badly, it's nothing to do with the government's poor management or chronic long-term underfunding (which has stretched back many governments - especially under the Tories), it's got to be those greedy, incompetent doctors. She also gave me a bit of a pep-talk about trying to stick with the course.
Anyway, she also said that I was a really nice guy for buying the amazing one the small birthday cake. I didn't really know what to say... I thanked her and tried to move the subject on.
Problem is, I don't know how much of a nice guy getting the present really makes me. I'm sure that the wonderful one appreciated the thought, and her flatmates all enjoyed having some cake. However, I don't know if she'd really enjoy the fact that her "friend" is obsessed about her and puts her on a pedestal. I suppose the gifts were altruistic in that I wasn't expecting anything back for it, and I just want to see her happy. I got a lot out of giving the gift though: just from her response and seeing her pleased, and the fact I got to spend a little time with her and a few of her flatmates, and also the little hug of thanks she gave me - made it certainly worth the time and effort of traipsing around shops trying to find things which she wouldn't be allergic to!
I did discuss with that flatmate about whether there was such a thing as a truly altruistic act (fortunately it had come up in a discussion with another workmate). We came to the conclusion that everything is done for self-interest to some extent. Even if the act seems selfless, it generally gets done for the gratitude, or for self-satisfaction (or the warm fuzzies as I put it). It doesn't make the act less worthy, but I'm just trying to get my head around whether it was the act of a nice guy or whether it was just me being selfish.
The final point on the matter was, it made me realise why I'm not very good at receiving compliments. When she said I was a nice person, it made me realise it changes people's perceptions of me. It means I have to work harder to live up to these expectations (and to some extent means that future acts are harder/more expected). In a way, I think I'd like to cultivate the reputation as a bit of a bastard who occasionally does some bizarre, nice, kind, unexpected things - but I don't think I'm very good at this. I wonder if this is related to my low self-esteem and self-confidence.
Anyway, I've procrastinated plenty long enough. I'm off to do a little bit of last minute reading, and then finally get some sleep.
Goodnight
AcidCat
Main thing today was a chat I had with one of the amazing one's flatmates (one of my study friends). We spent a little bit of time putting the world to rights (the NHS in particular), and bemoaning the portrayal of doctors by the media and particularly the government. Our experience of doctors has been pretty positive, and people seem driven to study medicine out of an overwhelming desire to help people. It seems a bit odd to vilify them as the government seem intent on doing (but we worked out it's probably out of political expediency: if the NHS is going badly, it's nothing to do with the government's poor management or chronic long-term underfunding (which has stretched back many governments - especially under the Tories), it's got to be those greedy, incompetent doctors. She also gave me a bit of a pep-talk about trying to stick with the course.
Anyway, she also said that I was a really nice guy for buying the amazing one the small birthday cake. I didn't really know what to say... I thanked her and tried to move the subject on.
Problem is, I don't know how much of a nice guy getting the present really makes me. I'm sure that the wonderful one appreciated the thought, and her flatmates all enjoyed having some cake. However, I don't know if she'd really enjoy the fact that her "friend" is obsessed about her and puts her on a pedestal. I suppose the gifts were altruistic in that I wasn't expecting anything back for it, and I just want to see her happy. I got a lot out of giving the gift though: just from her response and seeing her pleased, and the fact I got to spend a little time with her and a few of her flatmates, and also the little hug of thanks she gave me - made it certainly worth the time and effort of traipsing around shops trying to find things which she wouldn't be allergic to!
I did discuss with that flatmate about whether there was such a thing as a truly altruistic act (fortunately it had come up in a discussion with another workmate). We came to the conclusion that everything is done for self-interest to some extent. Even if the act seems selfless, it generally gets done for the gratitude, or for self-satisfaction (or the warm fuzzies as I put it). It doesn't make the act less worthy, but I'm just trying to get my head around whether it was the act of a nice guy or whether it was just me being selfish.
The final point on the matter was, it made me realise why I'm not very good at receiving compliments. When she said I was a nice person, it made me realise it changes people's perceptions of me. It means I have to work harder to live up to these expectations (and to some extent means that future acts are harder/more expected). In a way, I think I'd like to cultivate the reputation as a bit of a bastard who occasionally does some bizarre, nice, kind, unexpected things - but I don't think I'm very good at this. I wonder if this is related to my low self-esteem and self-confidence.
Anyway, I've procrastinated plenty long enough. I'm off to do a little bit of last minute reading, and then finally get some sleep.
Goodnight
AcidCat
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Happy birthday
It was the amazing one's birthday today. I had a bit of a dilemma as I'm constantly wondering what I can do around her as a friend without crossing the line of becoming a stalker. In the end, I settled on buying her a small birthday cake and a small box of chocolates (which was a somewhat challenging task as she's allergic to nuts, Belgian chocolate (and incidentally fish, but that didn't really rear it's ugly head today)). Fortunately she's not super-allergic to nuts so I erred on just buying things that didn't contain nuts but had the "may contain traces of nuts" warning (which seems to be all chocolate or cake. Fortunately, I was in an area of London which happened to have a Waitrose which had a good range of chocolates and I found something which seemed suitable.
I dropped by her flat this afternoon to give them to her. She was in the kitchen with two of her flatmates, and she seemed genuinely pleased to receive birthday cake, and said it was completely unexpected. She invited me to stay for a slice, so I spent a decent portion of the afternoon chatting with her and her flatmates, eating cake and drinking tea. To be honest, I wasn't brilliant conversation as it's starting to feel a little weird being around her, as I've got such strong feelings towards her swirling around my insides, and when I look at her I literally find it harder to breathe. It's just her beauty and her smile that makes my brain melt into a grey lump of jelly. I lose any ability to be suave and sophisticated around her, and I'm losing the skills of speech which really does bother me.
Anyway, I'm glad I did buy the small gifts and also glad I didn't buy anything more over the top. I think it was a discreet thing to get that a friend might have just bought for another friend even if they weren't mad about them.
Enough daydreaming and navel gazing for today. I'm off to start work, which is very long overdue.
AcidCat
I dropped by her flat this afternoon to give them to her. She was in the kitchen with two of her flatmates, and she seemed genuinely pleased to receive birthday cake, and said it was completely unexpected. She invited me to stay for a slice, so I spent a decent portion of the afternoon chatting with her and her flatmates, eating cake and drinking tea. To be honest, I wasn't brilliant conversation as it's starting to feel a little weird being around her, as I've got such strong feelings towards her swirling around my insides, and when I look at her I literally find it harder to breathe. It's just her beauty and her smile that makes my brain melt into a grey lump of jelly. I lose any ability to be suave and sophisticated around her, and I'm losing the skills of speech which really does bother me.
Anyway, I'm glad I did buy the small gifts and also glad I didn't buy anything more over the top. I think it was a discreet thing to get that a friend might have just bought for another friend even if they weren't mad about them.
Enough daydreaming and navel gazing for today. I'm off to start work, which is very long overdue.
AcidCat
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Random musings
Don't have much to write today, so it's going to be a random stream of consciousness, where I just put down whatever I want, and floats into my mind.
My family are awesome. It just feels really good to know that some people in that big, cold, harsh, cruel, uncaring world give a damn about you. I might not have any close friends, but I've got some family who are amazingly supportive and really do everything they can for me. I hope I'm as good to you guys too. I love you all.
I've wasted this weekend. The only worthwhile thing I really feel I've achieved is going to the party for kids with special needs yesterday. I meant this to be a big work weekend, as I've got a mock exam on Friday. In the event, I've barely got my normal work done, and managed to achieve no revision whatsoever. If I'd got my act together and just put my head down and worked, I could have worked for one day and gone home to see my folks today, and still got as much done, but achieved some relaxation into the bargain... Oh well. Instead, I've been wasting my time playing a stupid online game pretending to be a space pirate in the future as I think it's a game that the girl I'm moping after is playing. It's rather pathetic. I wish I could just shake her from my thoughts, life would be so much simpler.
Prozac seems to be giving me some kind of refluxy-heartburny type feeling. It's not enough to stop me taking it, but it's somewhat uncomfortable.
And as it's gone midnight, I'll stop there.
AcidCat
My family are awesome. It just feels really good to know that some people in that big, cold, harsh, cruel, uncaring world give a damn about you. I might not have any close friends, but I've got some family who are amazingly supportive and really do everything they can for me. I hope I'm as good to you guys too. I love you all.
I've wasted this weekend. The only worthwhile thing I really feel I've achieved is going to the party for kids with special needs yesterday. I meant this to be a big work weekend, as I've got a mock exam on Friday. In the event, I've barely got my normal work done, and managed to achieve no revision whatsoever. If I'd got my act together and just put my head down and worked, I could have worked for one day and gone home to see my folks today, and still got as much done, but achieved some relaxation into the bargain... Oh well. Instead, I've been wasting my time playing a stupid online game pretending to be a space pirate in the future as I think it's a game that the girl I'm moping after is playing. It's rather pathetic. I wish I could just shake her from my thoughts, life would be so much simpler.
Prozac seems to be giving me some kind of refluxy-heartburny type feeling. It's not enough to stop me taking it, but it's somewhat uncomfortable.
And as it's gone midnight, I'll stop there.
AcidCat
Saturday, October 25, 2008
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
I've been kissed and hugged today by a girl called Sarah...
Only problem is, she's literally young enough to be a my daughter, and she suffers from a learning disability.
I went to help at a party for children with learning disabilities and it was a lot of fun. It was really enjoyable, even before we talk about the warm fuzzies you get from doing something for the kids and the parents (who really appreciate an afternoon off from looking after some pretty demanding children).
We were playing with Play-Doh, threw balls around, used rubber inflatable rings as improvised frisbees, took them to the park to play on the roundabouts and swings, danced, played music, played pass the parcel, ran around, played hide and seek, ate cake and chocolate and crisps.
And now I'm tired. And haven't done any work yet. But it was fun.
I find working with children really refreshing. They will tell you if they're bored with you. They've got no pretensions and will be direct and honest. They've also got a huge facility for affection and having fun which I love.
It was nice to get distracted. I didn't post anything yesterday as I was in a foul mood. Partly over my non-existent love life and the fact that I think the object of my affections is starting to get a bit annoyed with me. I did land my first handspring at gymnastics without help from the coach (admittedly on a sprung floor, but it was still an achievement).
So now, I'd better do some work.
AcidCat
Only problem is, she's literally young enough to be a my daughter, and she suffers from a learning disability.
I went to help at a party for children with learning disabilities and it was a lot of fun. It was really enjoyable, even before we talk about the warm fuzzies you get from doing something for the kids and the parents (who really appreciate an afternoon off from looking after some pretty demanding children).
We were playing with Play-Doh, threw balls around, used rubber inflatable rings as improvised frisbees, took them to the park to play on the roundabouts and swings, danced, played music, played pass the parcel, ran around, played hide and seek, ate cake and chocolate and crisps.
And now I'm tired. And haven't done any work yet. But it was fun.
I find working with children really refreshing. They will tell you if they're bored with you. They've got no pretensions and will be direct and honest. They've also got a huge facility for affection and having fun which I love.
It was nice to get distracted. I didn't post anything yesterday as I was in a foul mood. Partly over my non-existent love life and the fact that I think the object of my affections is starting to get a bit annoyed with me. I did land my first handspring at gymnastics without help from the coach (admittedly on a sprung floor, but it was still an achievement).
So now, I'd better do some work.
AcidCat
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Dance to express, not to impress
Oh. My. God.
I have had such a shit day.
I tried to do my tutorial work after a nap at 10pm, having set my alarm for 11pm. I woke up, vaguely having remembered hearing my alarm, by my second alarm set for half past six in the morning. So the tutorial work remained very much incomplete.
The only bright point of my day was the reason I set my alarm for that god-forsaken hour: I was trying a yoga-type thing which was a bit like Tai-Chi called Kalari. It was fun and quite tiring (especially bearing in mind how little movement it all was).
The tutorial went as well as could be expected bearing in mind I had literally done none of the work for it. Thank goodness that a fair amount of this week's work was to revise stuff we had previously done.
Then I came home for a nap. I set my alarm for an hour, woke up exhausted, and slept for a further 20 minutes with the snooze function before finally emerging. I feel seriously sleep deprived.
Then to complete my bad day: I started losing things - my keys, my mobile phone, my access pass for the university (all of which I later found), but also my bandana and earphones, both of which are still missing. Most annoying thing I lost was my temper:
Basically I went for a dance audition today. It said to turn up for 6:30pm, so I turned up a few minutes early and they sent me to another room to wait for a few minutes while they finished getting ready (which was noisy and I couldn't work). About 20 minutes later, they finally told me we'd probably be starting around 7. I got a bit pissed off at this and wandered down to the library.
I came back at 7, and saw the dance they wanted us to audition to.
I was horrified.
It was the most appalling dance, with no skill, and all about doing grinding motions, both in the air, and facing the ground. In addition, the music it was done to was a dreadful dirge by that child molester - R Kelly. The guy taking the "class" was an appalling dancer, and couldn't teach. I tried sticking it out for a bit, but it all was a bit much for me, so I grabbed my bag and started to leave.
One of the committee organising it said that if I was busy I could either do the audition piece there and then, or come back on Monday to audition. I was pretty angry and frustrated at this point and shared some of my grievances with him. He tried to suggest that not all the dances they would eventually perform were that tacky and crass, at which point, I told him that the audition piece was shit. And left.
I get the feeling I won't get a call back from that audition.
Then on the way back, I discovered how few cars understand that if someone is trying to cross at a Zebra crossing that they're meant to stop.
I've managed to get rid of most of my anger by dancing hard when I got back, to some proper music.
Still, very annoyed and need to do lots of work for tomorrow.
I really hate life at the moment.
AcidCat
I have had such a shit day.
I tried to do my tutorial work after a nap at 10pm, having set my alarm for 11pm. I woke up, vaguely having remembered hearing my alarm, by my second alarm set for half past six in the morning. So the tutorial work remained very much incomplete.
The only bright point of my day was the reason I set my alarm for that god-forsaken hour: I was trying a yoga-type thing which was a bit like Tai-Chi called Kalari. It was fun and quite tiring (especially bearing in mind how little movement it all was).
The tutorial went as well as could be expected bearing in mind I had literally done none of the work for it. Thank goodness that a fair amount of this week's work was to revise stuff we had previously done.
Then I came home for a nap. I set my alarm for an hour, woke up exhausted, and slept for a further 20 minutes with the snooze function before finally emerging. I feel seriously sleep deprived.
Then to complete my bad day: I started losing things - my keys, my mobile phone, my access pass for the university (all of which I later found), but also my bandana and earphones, both of which are still missing. Most annoying thing I lost was my temper:
Basically I went for a dance audition today. It said to turn up for 6:30pm, so I turned up a few minutes early and they sent me to another room to wait for a few minutes while they finished getting ready (which was noisy and I couldn't work). About 20 minutes later, they finally told me we'd probably be starting around 7. I got a bit pissed off at this and wandered down to the library.
I came back at 7, and saw the dance they wanted us to audition to.
I was horrified.
It was the most appalling dance, with no skill, and all about doing grinding motions, both in the air, and facing the ground. In addition, the music it was done to was a dreadful dirge by that child molester - R Kelly. The guy taking the "class" was an appalling dancer, and couldn't teach. I tried sticking it out for a bit, but it all was a bit much for me, so I grabbed my bag and started to leave.
One of the committee organising it said that if I was busy I could either do the audition piece there and then, or come back on Monday to audition. I was pretty angry and frustrated at this point and shared some of my grievances with him. He tried to suggest that not all the dances they would eventually perform were that tacky and crass, at which point, I told him that the audition piece was shit. And left.
I get the feeling I won't get a call back from that audition.
Then on the way back, I discovered how few cars understand that if someone is trying to cross at a Zebra crossing that they're meant to stop.
I've managed to get rid of most of my anger by dancing hard when I got back, to some proper music.
Still, very annoyed and need to do lots of work for tomorrow.
I really hate life at the moment.
AcidCat
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Give.
Just an incredibly short post today, as I'm horrendously swamped with work due in tomorrow.
Thought for the day:
It really is better to give than receive. I did a few good deeds today, and they gave me the warm fuzzies more than if I'd received the similar treatment. It can make you happy.
AcidCat
Thought for the day:
It really is better to give than receive. I did a few good deeds today, and they gave me the warm fuzzies more than if I'd received the similar treatment. It can make you happy.
AcidCat
Mini update
Today was a bloody long day. 9am to 5pm was lectures, 5-6:30 was an induction for an opportunity to volunteer with children with special needs, and then dinner with my tutorial class that I've just got back from. On the plus side, with the mock history taking practice, I was complimented on my easy and reassuring/relaxing manner.
Felt a bit out of place at times at the dinner. Felt like the alien. Have taken the Prozac, hoping it'll help, and haven't had time for reading through the hypnosis recently, which might be making a difference.
Spent a little time at the dinner talking to someone on my course. That was fun. I'm a little better at conversations in smaller groups than larger ones.
I got a little arm around my shoulder from the fantastic one today. Bliss.
Sometimes it's the little things that make life good.
AcidCat
Felt a bit out of place at times at the dinner. Felt like the alien. Have taken the Prozac, hoping it'll help, and haven't had time for reading through the hypnosis recently, which might be making a difference.
Spent a little time at the dinner talking to someone on my course. That was fun. I'm a little better at conversations in smaller groups than larger ones.
I got a little arm around my shoulder from the fantastic one today. Bliss.
Sometimes it's the little things that make life good.
AcidCat
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Medical trivia
Just random trivia bits I picked up which I love.
1) If you have a defective ovary, and a defective fallopian tube (ovarian tube) on opposite sides, you're probably not infertile. The working fallopian tube will move across the uterus, and reach over to the working ovary, and hoover up the egg expelled from the ovary. Really freaky, a bit like an alien tentacle.
2) We have about 2 metres of DNA in each of the nuclei of most human cells. This gets packaged and folded into nifty chromosomes which are only 5 micrometres big. (A human hair is about 80 micrometres wide)
Three posts in a day! Caffeine is a mighty, but dangerous thing.
1) If you have a defective ovary, and a defective fallopian tube (ovarian tube) on opposite sides, you're probably not infertile. The working fallopian tube will move across the uterus, and reach over to the working ovary, and hoover up the egg expelled from the ovary. Really freaky, a bit like an alien tentacle.
2) We have about 2 metres of DNA in each of the nuclei of most human cells. This gets packaged and folded into nifty chromosomes which are only 5 micrometres big. (A human hair is about 80 micrometres wide)
Three posts in a day! Caffeine is a mighty, but dangerous thing.
Sunshine on a rainy day
Whee! I'm buzzed as I normally don't take any form of caffeine, but I was meeting an old uni friend this evening at the pub, and as it was miserable outside and I didn't want alcohol, I stuck to tea. Three teas later, and finishing drinking at half past eleven and I'm flying and a little bit jittery...
Today has been a good day. I got very despondant about work as I still didn't get the work complete: did my classic falling behind thing. I barely had time to grab a quick bite to eat over lunchtime as I needed to rearrange MMR and hepatitis B vaccinations and a solid day of tutorials and lectures fried my brain.
However, a walk home with the amazing one made my day. Yes it was pouring down with rain, yes I had to share her with one of her flatmates, but she really is a ray of light. Life becomes good. I was soaked by the time I got back, but I didn't care.
It kept me going in my study session when I got back, despite the fact I was shattered, didn't understand, started to realise how behind I was, everything else.
Nothing else seems to matter. Life is good.
Let's go!
AcidCat
Today has been a good day. I got very despondant about work as I still didn't get the work complete: did my classic falling behind thing. I barely had time to grab a quick bite to eat over lunchtime as I needed to rearrange MMR and hepatitis B vaccinations and a solid day of tutorials and lectures fried my brain.
However, a walk home with the amazing one made my day. Yes it was pouring down with rain, yes I had to share her with one of her flatmates, but she really is a ray of light. Life becomes good. I was soaked by the time I got back, but I didn't care.
It kept me going in my study session when I got back, despite the fact I was shattered, didn't understand, started to realise how behind I was, everything else.
Nothing else seems to matter. Life is good.
Let's go!
AcidCat
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Dance, dance, dance
"Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching"
Hi guys!
Had a bit of an unexpected day. Tiredness due to the late nights (phone calls with the friend - hoping he doesn't ring again tonight, not sure if I can manage another one) so have been sluggish and struggled to get my work done (currently procrastinating, and will restart work after this post).
I agreed to teach a flat mate the basics of breaking (aka breakdancing, but people who do it tend to call it breaking or bboying). So this afternoon, we were in the kitchen, with some music playing, and I was running him through the basics of "toprock" (the bits of breaking where you're standing and dancing upright). After a while, the flat's doorbell rang, and another one of my flatmates answered it. He returned with three female random strangers, who lived in the flat opposite and had been watching us dance, and asked to join in!
I was a bit taken aback, and a bit disturbed that people had been watching us mucking around like that. I love to dance, but am quite self-conscious about it. When I dance in front of people, I have to work hard at "dancing like no-one is watching". When it transpired that not only our three guests were not the whole audience, with other people from their flat seeing our dance lesson, and other flats looking in, I was starting to feel somewhat embarrassed and thinking that I should have drawn the curtains (couldn't though as we needed the windows open for air).
Anyway, as they didn't seem to be taking the piss, I started running through some basics. They ran off pretty quickly so I wonder if it wasn't what they were expecting, but it was just a bit bizarre. I think they were enjoying it, as one of my flatmates who does enjoy staring (spying) out of our kitchen window saw them practising in their kitchen.
In the end, I thought it was quite fun. I admire their gutsiness and courage to go to a random flat and say "We were in the flat opposite watching you dance and want to join in". Not only that, they had originally got the floor wrong, and rang the bell of the flat below us. I would have loved to have seen the confusion on the face of the guy who answered that door.
Anyway it's been fun. But I badly need to work. In a way it's probably the most fun thing I've done since getting here. A good memory of this place for my future.
AcidCat
I'll be there for you.
Ok, so just a general post. You may be relieved that as I haven't seen the incredible one since her friend turned up for this weekend, this shouldn't be as much of a self-indulgent post as recent ones.
It turns out I'm a 3am friend. I didn't realise I was to anyone.
A 3am friend is the sort of person who when you really need them, you can call them at 3am. I was woken up this morning at 3:30 am, and had a very sleepy (2 hour) conversation with a friend who had stuff on his mind. I didn't realise we were that close, it might just be this guy has no sense of timing (specially as he called again for round two just now (just got off the phone now after a 90 minute conversation)). Either way, although it was a mild annoyance to be woken up, it's quite a nice feeling to be needed, and also to be regarded as a 3am friend.
I also had a different friend asking if we could meet up next week, and as it feels like I'm always the one who has to chase friends to meet up with me, that was a really nice feeling.
And I had a rather enjoyable evening with a friend who is currently somewhat ill. We go back a long way, and it was nice to catch up with him and find out what he's been up to (even though it's a little bit sad that he's struggling so much with ill health).
All in all: a good weekend for friendship.
AcidCat
It turns out I'm a 3am friend. I didn't realise I was to anyone.
A 3am friend is the sort of person who when you really need them, you can call them at 3am. I was woken up this morning at 3:30 am, and had a very sleepy (2 hour) conversation with a friend who had stuff on his mind. I didn't realise we were that close, it might just be this guy has no sense of timing (specially as he called again for round two just now (just got off the phone now after a 90 minute conversation)). Either way, although it was a mild annoyance to be woken up, it's quite a nice feeling to be needed, and also to be regarded as a 3am friend.
I also had a different friend asking if we could meet up next week, and as it feels like I'm always the one who has to chase friends to meet up with me, that was a really nice feeling.
And I had a rather enjoyable evening with a friend who is currently somewhat ill. We go back a long way, and it was nice to catch up with him and find out what he's been up to (even though it's a little bit sad that he's struggling so much with ill health).
All in all: a good weekend for friendship.
AcidCat
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Here comes the sun
The sun came back.
The day was lovely.
I spent yesterday up until 3am trying to get the work due for today done, and failed miserably. Finished it? I barely started it (gives you some idea of the difficulty - or you could imply my laziness, but this time it wouldn't be true).
However. today it all just worked. Despite the fatigue, I went to the class session and everyone else seemed to have struggled (maybe not as much as I did, but I didn't do considerably worse than everyone else).
Then post-work session, I bumped into the light of my life in the library. And everything was suddenly good in the world. I was so pleased she was well again anyway, but just seeing her made my heart race.
I met up with her briefly in the afternoon as she's kindly teaching me stick fighting (the phone conversation was more awkward, I'm worse when I don't get to see the other person's face). The sun came out for some of the session, and I just enjoyed myself so much. The activity was fun, it was lovely to see her, she's just amazing. She's got her best friend down for the weekend, (who I've heard a lot about) and excitingly, her best friend would like to meet me. It's making me a bit scared though as I want to make a good impression.
In the evening I couldn't work terribly well and went dancing (break). It was a fun time, and it wound me down for a last session in the library, till they kicked me out at 10. I came back and had a bit of banter with my flatmates watching a music video one of them made. He wants me to teach him some breaking this weekend, so there will be lots for me to do...
Life is good. Sometimes I think I'm pretty sad for having my mood influenced by one other person, but I honestly can't seem to shake it no matter how hard I try. She is just so incredible. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Even my ex - I didn't fancy her when I first met her, I was too wound up with a beautiful but quiet girl, whom I was totally unsuited for. With this one, I love everything about her. Mainly her personality, but even her beauty drives me insane. It's her smile. When she smiles her beam, you know everything is going to be fine.
AcidCat
The day was lovely.
I spent yesterday up until 3am trying to get the work due for today done, and failed miserably. Finished it? I barely started it (gives you some idea of the difficulty - or you could imply my laziness, but this time it wouldn't be true).
However. today it all just worked. Despite the fatigue, I went to the class session and everyone else seemed to have struggled (maybe not as much as I did, but I didn't do considerably worse than everyone else).
Then post-work session, I bumped into the light of my life in the library. And everything was suddenly good in the world. I was so pleased she was well again anyway, but just seeing her made my heart race.
I met up with her briefly in the afternoon as she's kindly teaching me stick fighting (the phone conversation was more awkward, I'm worse when I don't get to see the other person's face). The sun came out for some of the session, and I just enjoyed myself so much. The activity was fun, it was lovely to see her, she's just amazing. She's got her best friend down for the weekend, (who I've heard a lot about) and excitingly, her best friend would like to meet me. It's making me a bit scared though as I want to make a good impression.
In the evening I couldn't work terribly well and went dancing (break). It was a fun time, and it wound me down for a last session in the library, till they kicked me out at 10. I came back and had a bit of banter with my flatmates watching a music video one of them made. He wants me to teach him some breaking this weekend, so there will be lots for me to do...
Life is good. Sometimes I think I'm pretty sad for having my mood influenced by one other person, but I honestly can't seem to shake it no matter how hard I try. She is just so incredible. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Even my ex - I didn't fancy her when I first met her, I was too wound up with a beautiful but quiet girl, whom I was totally unsuited for. With this one, I love everything about her. Mainly her personality, but even her beauty drives me insane. It's her smile. When she smiles her beam, you know everything is going to be fine.
AcidCat
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A day without sunshine
The amazing one was ill today. I saw her for a few seconds today, but didn't have a chance to speak to her (didn't realise she was ill). Get well soon. I sent her a text wishing her good health, but even then was worried I'm turning into a stalker.
Good grief. What do I do?
AcidCat
Good grief. What do I do?
AcidCat
Monday, October 13, 2008
Dream a little dream of me
I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know whether it was the mug of jasmine tea I had with the amazing one, or it was just the fact I couldn't clear my head of her. She haunted my thoughts. It took me a long time to finally get to sleep, despite the fact I was exhausted from working pretty hard on the medicine.
I'm a serious addict. I know I'm addicted from the way I want to keep talking about her (I can't do it in real life, so I'm making the most of this blog) and am becoming a bit obsessive. She is the most fascinating thing around. I'm trying so hard to limit my exposure to stop me from becoming a stalker, but I certainly couldn't go cold turkey (why would I want to), but I have to constantly stop myself planning what I do on the off-chance that she might be doing the same thing, so I can bump into her. As a result, I saw her today, waved, and then didn't speak to her today. I kept trying to look at her during lectures today, but some evil bastard had sat in the way between us (and she was sat behind me) so I had to give up as I'm sure the lecturer was going to object to the fact that I found the back of the lecture hall infinitely more fascinating to his tedious, uncharismatic, dull drone of a lecture.
On the positive side, I had my first good PBL session. I went in knowing enough to spar and discuss stuff with the biology experts of the group. Also managed to increase the drunken post-toga embarassment of my friend "C" by bringing in grapes (she had cornered me while she was drunk at the toga party, accused me of telling everyone that she'd bullied me into going to the party and demanded I bring grapes to PBL as penitance...). It was fun!
Am much calmer now. Not flying or anything. Not firing away on the exclamation marks. Tired, need sleep, and didn't have time with the wonderful one today. In fact, am slightly deflated at the thought of never having the fantastic one. That's the problem with encountering brilliance: going without is like being kept in a dark tiny cage like a veal, having a day of running in lush, sun-lit fields, and then being returned to the tiny prison: It feels far worse than the first time.
I realise this isn't coherent or clear, but I don't care.
Goodnight
AcidCat
I'm a serious addict. I know I'm addicted from the way I want to keep talking about her (I can't do it in real life, so I'm making the most of this blog) and am becoming a bit obsessive. She is the most fascinating thing around. I'm trying so hard to limit my exposure to stop me from becoming a stalker, but I certainly couldn't go cold turkey (why would I want to), but I have to constantly stop myself planning what I do on the off-chance that she might be doing the same thing, so I can bump into her. As a result, I saw her today, waved, and then didn't speak to her today. I kept trying to look at her during lectures today, but some evil bastard had sat in the way between us (and she was sat behind me) so I had to give up as I'm sure the lecturer was going to object to the fact that I found the back of the lecture hall infinitely more fascinating to his tedious, uncharismatic, dull drone of a lecture.
On the positive side, I had my first good PBL session. I went in knowing enough to spar and discuss stuff with the biology experts of the group. Also managed to increase the drunken post-toga embarassment of my friend "C" by bringing in grapes (she had cornered me while she was drunk at the toga party, accused me of telling everyone that she'd bullied me into going to the party and demanded I bring grapes to PBL as penitance...). It was fun!
Am much calmer now. Not flying or anything. Not firing away on the exclamation marks. Tired, need sleep, and didn't have time with the wonderful one today. In fact, am slightly deflated at the thought of never having the fantastic one. That's the problem with encountering brilliance: going without is like being kept in a dark tiny cage like a veal, having a day of running in lush, sun-lit fields, and then being returned to the tiny prison: It feels far worse than the first time.
I realise this isn't coherent or clear, but I don't care.
Goodnight
AcidCat
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Love is the drug!
I've just spent the evening in the presence of the amazing one and her flatmates. My heart is all a-flutter.
I've had an amazing evening, and the time has just flown (3 hours later, and it seems like no time at all). We were just chatting (generally with her flatmates as well, but there were a few minutes in the middle where I got her all to myself).
She just does things to me that I can't explain. It makes me tremble and my heart race. I love the way she looks, her amazing smile, the way she talks about stuff and what she talks about. I get this energy when I'm with her that makes me feel indestructible and invincible. I even adore the way she laughs.
In the few minutes (actually thinking about it rationally, it might have been longer than a few minutes, but it feels like no time at all) I got a chance to speak to her solo, she's managed to dash my hopes rationally: She's still not over her ex (which was a really serious thing, they'd been going out for over three years, and told each other of their devotion), she says she wouldn't want to see a fellow medic, she's enjoying being single, she got asked out by a fellow medic already (I knew I wasn't the only person who saw how amazing she is) and it made things between them awkward (she's avoided him since).
This means that I can't ask her out. I can live in hope that things might change. Maybe she told me about the other person who asked me out because she knows how I feel about her, and she's warning me off (it's a pretty successful way of doing it, I don't really want to risk the one thing that gives me this kind of lift, especially with a course this hard).
Despite this, as I know I can have her for a friend (at least for a bit) I'm still flying high. She's just that amazing. I'm a bit of a boring, unadventurous bastard who's never tried any drugs harder than alcohol before, but seriously: bollocks to barbiturates, LSD is for losers, cocaine is crap: I get a buzz out of being with her that no drug could possibly compare to. And the withdrawal symptoms aren't that bad (yet - I think that bit of pain could be yet to come when the addiction continues for longer - or other shit happens).
I haven't done the work I needed to do for tomorrow, and quite frankly I don't care. I had a much more valuable evening! I now feel that life is good!
Love to all, especially her.
AcidCat
PS Some of my evil bastard flatmates have worked out I've got a crush on her (I don't think they've quite realised quite how deep I've fallen though) and are now taking the piss! (I'm joking about them being bastards, they're actually the nicest, kindest flatmates who are also helping keep me sane... but when they take the piss - well, I think they deserve the gentle beatings I hand out to them occasionally. Damn them! I'm far too blatant (I think it's partly because I keep staring at her to fill myself with her beauty). This is probably part of the reason why I think she's guessed...
I've had an amazing evening, and the time has just flown (3 hours later, and it seems like no time at all). We were just chatting (generally with her flatmates as well, but there were a few minutes in the middle where I got her all to myself).
She just does things to me that I can't explain. It makes me tremble and my heart race. I love the way she looks, her amazing smile, the way she talks about stuff and what she talks about. I get this energy when I'm with her that makes me feel indestructible and invincible. I even adore the way she laughs.
In the few minutes (actually thinking about it rationally, it might have been longer than a few minutes, but it feels like no time at all) I got a chance to speak to her solo, she's managed to dash my hopes rationally: She's still not over her ex (which was a really serious thing, they'd been going out for over three years, and told each other of their devotion), she says she wouldn't want to see a fellow medic, she's enjoying being single, she got asked out by a fellow medic already (I knew I wasn't the only person who saw how amazing she is) and it made things between them awkward (she's avoided him since).
This means that I can't ask her out. I can live in hope that things might change. Maybe she told me about the other person who asked me out because she knows how I feel about her, and she's warning me off (it's a pretty successful way of doing it, I don't really want to risk the one thing that gives me this kind of lift, especially with a course this hard).
Despite this, as I know I can have her for a friend (at least for a bit) I'm still flying high. She's just that amazing. I'm a bit of a boring, unadventurous bastard who's never tried any drugs harder than alcohol before, but seriously: bollocks to barbiturates, LSD is for losers, cocaine is crap: I get a buzz out of being with her that no drug could possibly compare to. And the withdrawal symptoms aren't that bad (yet - I think that bit of pain could be yet to come when the addiction continues for longer - or other shit happens).
I haven't done the work I needed to do for tomorrow, and quite frankly I don't care. I had a much more valuable evening! I now feel that life is good!
Love to all, especially her.
AcidCat
PS Some of my evil bastard flatmates have worked out I've got a crush on her (I don't think they've quite realised quite how deep I've fallen though) and are now taking the piss! (I'm joking about them being bastards, they're actually the nicest, kindest flatmates who are also helping keep me sane... but when they take the piss - well, I think they deserve the gentle beatings I hand out to them occasionally. Damn them! I'm far too blatant (I think it's partly because I keep staring at her to fill myself with her beauty). This is probably part of the reason why I think she's guessed...
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