Life Control

I've spent too long wallowing in depression and panic. Work is difficult and I'm not working hard enough.

As a result: I am going to stop procrastinating.

This will take the following forms:

1) I will only check the BBC news website, Facebook once daily.
2) I will only play starpirates once daily (I haven't linked it as it's a terrible game, but only started playing it to feel closer to ~R when I was stalking her. I knew she played it, and I didn't tell her that I was playing it too.
3) I will take regular breaks from work. Every 30 minutes or so, I will take a short break, do a few press-ups walk around, then come back and work harder.

In addition, to help me feel happier, I will develop a morning ritual. This will involve:
1) Tea
2) Exercise - Probably 20 press-ups
3) Positive thoughts

I am going to take control of my life and happiness again. ~R helps make me happy, but I need to rely on myself.

AcidCat

Perspective

If you're feeling miserable, small events can really change how you feel

• Like friends taking time out of a party to come knocking on your door to say hi and making sure you're alright. (Thanks M--- and M-- L---)
• Or an unexpected gift. (Thanks to my SSC supervisor M---- {I've been really lucky with good supervisors})
• Or having a enjoying having chat with a friend who seems pleased to see you (Thanks K--)
• Or getting helpful emails from my family (Thanks mum and sis)
• Or receiving any flavour of communication from someone you really love (~R xxx)
  
• Or even, hearing about people who really have things to be upset about. (I'm really sorry to hear your bad news S-----, my thoughts at the moment are with you and your family)

It's time for me to be more balanced. I still don't feel like socialising so will spend quite a lot of the near future on my own avoiding most people, but have to appreciate how lucky I am.

AcidCat

Words

I spent an evening in the company of the incredible ~R, just stroking her hair and having her sit close to me. It was heaven.

When I was saying goodbye today, she was being sweet or fun (just generally wonderful) and I blurted out that I love her. This time though, she joked about it and seemed much more relaxed about it. I'm so happy.

Tomorrow I'll have a slightly less soppy post. I'm finally graduating with my PhD so will be blogging about that instead.

Till then, love you.

AcidCat

P.S. She said such beautiful things to me today. Things like "You make me happy" and other stuff. She said something particularly beautiful that made me melt inside, but I can't remember it - which I'm really gutted about.

P.P.S. Just remembered what she said. She said "You know, I'm growing really rather fond of you". Coming from her that was the sweetest, loveliest comment and it's still making me happy to think about it now.

What a difference a weekend makes

I've gone from despair on Friday to feeling happy and content today. I missed out on an ebay auction I wanted by about £10 (a rather nice skeleton - I decided £100 was my limit), but I don't mind.

Had dinner with ~R and J---, then spent the evening with ~R trying to work. Wasn't super productive, but was more fun.

AcidCat

Don't worry, be happy

As you might have guessed from my previous blog post today, I haven't been a happy bunny. I had a little nap after posting which made things a bit better, but was still angry and miserable. I've stomped around feeling withdrawn and been polite to my flatmates but nothing more sociable, despite their best efforts when I went into the kitchen.

Work was failing. I decided to cut my losses and go to the gym, hoping to exercise out some of my sadness and negative feelings. Annoyingly, the punchbag was being used, so I was limited to working on cardio. It helped a bit, I felt that things were a bit more in perspective - but I was still fed up.

But then, when I came home, I found this stuck to my door:



I don't know who's responsible (I'm pretty sure J-- was involved, and possibly E---- and L---) but it gave me a huge lift. It's so good to know people care. I was thinking really uncharitable thoughts about several of my flatmates recently, so this has really shown me something different.

I've left it pinned to my door for the time being, but I may move it to somewhere I can see it more often. It's wonderful.

Thanks very much guys. I needed that badly. I'm not feeling great, but I feel that I can cope.

AcidCat

First day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

-- First Day of my Life -- Bright Eyes

Today is the first day of my life. Today was pretty mediocre as far as work goes. Lunch was lovely though as a few friends who ~R had told about us going on a few dates congratulated me and said nice things. Also got to sit with ~R for some of the lectures.

After work things were lots of fun. My flatmate J-- had finished exams, so his group were sat on the grass drinking, so I crashed the party for a little while which was fun.

~R had suggested that we could do something fun this evening, so I called in on her flat to see if she was still keen on going out. Some of her flatmates were around, and they were having food, so I had the lucky bonus of being fed and had some lovely tea and coffee. I do like all of her flatmates, so that was lovely. Her flatmates eventually trickled away, leaving me alone with ~R. She was tired which ruled out the original clubbing idea. We didn't like what was available at the cinema (Hannah Montana movie or 17 again?) and we were too late for the comedy night on the boat. We fancied going out, so decided to hit central London to escape from Tooting and hope to catch the last of the sun.

We went to Waterloo to walk along Bankside, but sadly missed the sun while on the tube - it was the post-dusk era. We spent some time along Bankside, admiring the view, seeing the photo exhibit that was up.

We were standing by the Thames staring at the view. I'm going to skip many of the details (even on an anonymous blog, some things need to be kept private). ~R told me some of the stuff that was on her mind. Lots of stuff I couldn't do anything about, or say anything to help. I was honoured that she felt comfortable enough to and decided to tell me. I told her what I thought and some of the things that were going through my mind.

And then we kissed.

I can't really explain much else for the evening. It was a time of happiness, glow, trembling, excitement, thrill, fear, love (on my part anyway), contentment, exhilaration. I can't do the feelings and sensations justice. It felt like floating, like spinning into the air - gliding. Everything.

We went for cake, but needed to get back at a comparatively civilised time (though it still wasn't that early - I think we started getting the train back at 11:30). I spoiled the evening slightly by being a bit obsessive and crazy about her. I keep staring at her; she's so beautiful and so wonderful - this makes her uncomfortable. I just got carried away, and my brain has gone completely AWOL. I also need to remember to keep things slow.

I had a wonderful evening. I don't think I've ever been so happy. I love ~R so much. I've just been in a happy daze.

I'm trying not to get too obsessed (it's arguable that it's too late for that). I realise that this may not be the happy ever after I'd love it to be, and it could easily end tomorrow. I need to keep one eye on how lucky I've been already: ~R has made me so happy over the past month. She's also excised thoughts of my ex from my mind - I can't remember when it happened, but I stopped thinking about my ex daily, and I don't feel a pang or pain when I do think of her (this happened even before I asked ~R out). I feel good about myself. She makes me feel positive about life, work, everything - and keep everything in perspective.

Phoenix ascending: 24 April 2009. Phoenix is fully reborn, and burning brightly. Unstoppable.

Love to all of you, but especially: love you ~R

AcidCat

PS. ~R, if you ever do read this: I wasn't joking, it wasn't just a line: it was the honest truth. I don't ever remember being as happy as I have since we've started hanging out together. Thank you.

Pass!

Turns out the last exam on the endocrine system (hormones) went well:

Basic & Clinical science
Mark 78%
Pass Mark 52%
Mean 67%
Range 47-82%

Personal Professional Development (Ethics and law etc.)
Mark 95%
Pass Mark 50%
Mean 61%
Range 0-100%

Community and population health (Sociology and epidemiology etc.)
Mark 70 %
Pass Mark 53%
Mean 74%
Range 35-93%

I'm particularly pleased with the basic clinical science mark as that's the one which has some relevance to one's abilities as a doctor. The other two I'm just aiming to pass.

Had a good evening of eating, drinking, and lewd merry making with the wonderful R-----, and also the fun, entertaining T----, A----, S----, C------ and S----'s friend S---. It was a good evening and I'm happy now. Have to be up very early tomorrow to go to a conference with R----- and V-- which should be fun, but as I need to be up at the crack of dawn, I'm off to bed now.

Good night!

AcidCat

Animal magnetism

Had another amazing day today. Spent it with R-----. We went to London Zoo, which is lovely, but quite expensive. One of R-----'s friends (who works at the zoo, effectively running a dating agency for the animals) managed to get us in free and give us a lovely guided tour of the must see highlights (thanks very much H-----!) which was cool.

It was lovely to see the animals: London Zoo may not be the biggest zoo, or one with the most animals, but the animals there were clearly happy and content and very well looked after. The primates were adorable, the meerkats were extremely cute. The most beautiful thing there though was the one I came in with.

I've had such a wonderful day with her. I keep finding myself staring at her, and just thinking "I love you". I love her so much. Seeing her just makes me feel so amazingly happy. I'm confident she likes me now. I really enjoyed our journey back. I put my arm around her a few times, and I had her head against me: close enough to feel the warmth of her head on my cheek and so I could smell the scent of her hair. She touched my hand with hers.

Just remembering it again now - I feel so happy, content and relaxed. Life is so good to me right now.

AcidCat

An entrancing day

An awesome 2nd date.

I was much less nervous today. We just went out and had fun. We walked along the Thames towards Tate Modern. Saw the main installation which was really cool and interesting, looked at their second floor exhibition (included two rather dodgy films - showing some artists can be serious perverts!) and drank tea from the top floor of their cafe watching London go by.

We grabbed a quick bite from a pizza restaurant. R----- had a serious allergic reaction to the pizza despite it being labelled as being nut-free. She had run out of anti-histamines and was about to administer adrenalin. I was so relieved to find anti-histamines in my bag. I refilled the anti-histamines in my bag as soon as I got back.

We went to the hypnosis talk which was really interesting. I got chatting briefly to a clinical hypnotist who was lovely and gave us some notes and gave us her card in case we had any questions. I enjoyed the talk which showed the power of hypnosis (the speaker helped to put someone under so that they could reset a broken leg without anaesthesia!) and got some interesting lines that I thought I could add to my routines. R----- was excited by the talk and admitted to becoming a convert to hypnosis.

We had a wander together to have a look for a tattoo studio that she was thinking of getting a tattoo from. We went to have noodles for dinner and then went for a lovely walk together, wandering around Covent Garden. The atmosphere was wonderful, summoning the café culture that the 24 hour drinking was supposed to bring. A Monday evening there where people were having fun, there were families with younger children. There were buskers playing music adding to the scene, and the sky was clear and beautiful. Slightly embarrassingly, she caught me staring at her, because she is incredible.

We wandered along the Thames towards Embankment. I love central London at night time. It was so peaceful, but with the cars going past, it never got spooky. We stared out across the river and just enjoyed the calm scene.

The tube journey back was amazing. She was tired and she rested her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her, and it felt fantastic.

Our local tube station was closed at night, so we had a long walk back home. It was fun to chat and she told me some really interesting stuff about greek legends. She's so smart and knowledgeable and amazingly cool. I adore her.

I'm so excited. We've arranged to go out on Wednesday to go to London Zoo. It's going to be so much fun. I just need to keep in my head that we should just go and have fun together and forget about "dates".

I'm so happy. When we were at the end of the evening, staring out on the Thames with the moon looking down on us, I remembered thinking that I can't remember being this happy. When we had the hypnosis talk and they mentioned a "keepsake": a symbol that made you feel happy or safe - I thought of the daisy chain that she made and put on me.

Don't get carried away. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy her company. Live in now - enjoy it like it's our last moment. It's a nice ideal to dream as if it will last forever, but it's far too early for that.

:-)

AcidCat

PS. Something that amused me: when one of her flatmates texted her today, she replied that she was on a date with me. Her flatmate texted back that (unlike R-----) she wasn't at all surprised. It does suggest that R----- was slightly oblivious, as the people who could see it was easily in double figures.

Having said that, she did give me a lovely compliment saying that she didn't think that I could be interested in her. I know that sounds ambiguous written down here, but the way it was said made me know that it was truly wonderful.

Dammit. Can't get carried away.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart

I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear, for the whole round world to hear.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
I wish you could know what it means to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

I wish I could give all I'm longing to give
I wish I could live like I'm longing to live
I wish that I could do all the things that I can do
Though I'm way overdue I'd be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found  I could fly
Oh I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free

-- "I wish I knew how it would be to be free" - Nina Simone

I'm feeling so happy at the moment. I know I'm getting carried away, but I've spent the evening in the company of R----- (the amazing one), and some other friends. And it feels fantastic. I know I'm reading too much into it (just like I falsely read too much into how badly the first date went), but I'm feeling so much more comfortable about everything (although I still go jittery and blank whenever I'm around her). Everytime she looked at me, my heart just melted. I knew what happiness is from a single glance. She made a daisy chain and placed it around my head to wear.

I want to keep it, but don't know how to keep it looking beautiful. It's so fragile and amazing. I get the most incredible warm fuzzies just looking at it.

She's so fantastic. I need to try and get the balance right of spending time with her, but not hounding her so much that she tires of me. It's so difficult, specially when you're so crazy about someone that you think about them all the time.

Also having a wonderful day anyway. Had a lovely late night chat with my flatmates and also found out that a little cake to a sad person can make them feel much happier. It's a brilliant feeling to know that you've helped make someone's day better.

Love to all of you. Hope you're as happy as I am. Today's another one to add to the days I want to hang on to.

AcidCat

Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

Full of Friday Fun

Anatomy, then pathology museum trail, respiratory workshop on asthma, lunch, paid bills for this term's rent and tuition fees for the term, 2 epidemiology lectures (during which I fell asleep), expert forum and then the weekend began!

Went to the pub to briefly celebrate A----'s birthday earlier this week, then went back, grabbed a quick snack in readiness for gymnastics. Got off at the wrong bus stop, got horribly lost, so ended up having a long walk with T-- and missed the session. Did have a bit of a man-to-man bonding session though which was good (turns out that my suspicions on Monday that he knew what my romance situation was probably correct - must learn to be less blatant and wear my heart on my sleeve less. Am now a bit worried that the amazing one also knows...). Got fish and chips for dinner (greasy but a real comfort food).

Headed back to Tooting, and rejoined A----'s party who were having dinner. Most of the people at dinner left, but went to the bar in Kennington with the stragglers (catalysed by T-- and V-- going). It was good fun. First chance to dance for a while (and I think I did impress a couple of people with my skills), drank a bit too much (which in my case was three drinks), and was generally great fun, especially as I got to spend some time with V-- who is awesome fun.

Left the bar some time after 2 am. Came back with A----, T--, V-- and D---- and D-----. V-- said she was almost sick on the way back in the cab, so she went straight to bed. The rest of us went to the common room to watch TV. I brought up some drinks and made some popcorn (mental note to self, popcorn made while drunk is not so good - over-sweet in my case this time) which went down quite well. A fair chunk of popcorn got eaten, and the raspberry gin got finished. Watched the end of Amelie and had an interesting conversation of suitably filthy levels. Interesting events between T-- and A----... I was sad about the evening finishing, but to be honest it's for the best if I want tomorrow to be productive... It's nearly 5am as it is.

AcidCat

Now that's what I call lectures, volume 1

Spent the evening at a fantastic lecture about medicine regarding to bomb blasts, gunshot and soft tissue injuries and how the army does it better (to be fair, somewhat unsurprising - their ambulances are helicopters!) and how they look after their own. It was fascinating stuff, really interesting, with stuff about why the exit wound with gunshots is larger than the bullet hole, where it's best to be shot if you have to be (surprisingly, it's through the lung, but put your hands up first, which will move your shoulder blades out of the way!), where bombs inflict maximum damage, what lengths the army go to save an injured colleague (it's amazingly inspiring actually). Admittedly, a large part of the enjoyment of the evening was the people I spent it with (the wonderful one and her best friend were the people who invited me to go with them) and as I said before, I would go to the competitive world-paint drying championship if it meant that I could spend some time with her.

Dagnabbit, I annoy myself with how much of a sap I am sometimes.

Oh, and while I was there, we met up with a plastic surgeon who was doing her utmost to scare us away from medicine. Bearing in mind my thoughts on the subject recently, it's brought it to the front of my mind again. Having said that, she seemed pretty much bitter about everything, so it might just be her. I don't know.

Have a flat tyre on my bike. It's most annoying. Getting to lectures on time today was a very close thing, but thanks to F----- who kindly gave me a lift in, so I just about made it.

Anyway, got an early start tomorrow and a full day of work ahead of me, so got to go to bed now. Just need to hold in the happiness and fun of being with her for a bit longer :)

AcidCat

Taking a breather from studying respiratory medicine

Instead of learning about asthma and lungs, I spent the evening with the wonderful one and one of her best friends.

I had so much fun and I don't care that I haven't done much work today. Only downside is that the Valentines card I was planning might need to be changed, as I gave away something that might make it obvious that it might be me...

Tomorrow and Wednesday I will have to work very hard to make up though...

But for tonight, I'm happy.

AcidCat

Fight the demons

I've spent the time since my last post feeling a bit low. I felt a failure, I felt pretty much friendless, like no-one really cared. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be here. I was confused and overwhelmed by the work, yet couldn't muster the motivation to do it. I felt the clouds of depression moving in on me. I've barely left my room except to do the things I had to, and go to lectures.

I spent some time thinking about it today. I was worried that the Prozac had stopped working for me.

Then I realised: I was fine before I got the results. That meant, the prozac was working fine. It was just the way I was responding and handling the knock-back which was screwed up.

My sulking and becoming introspective wasn't helping at all. It was just making me miserable. The only person who is responsible for my happiness is me. So if I'm lonely, and friends don't seem to care, why should they? They don't owe me. Anyway, they might be concerned and not know how to show it/not want to intrude/have their own problems or demons to face.

I still don't know if I'm meant to be here: but even if not, I'm going to do my damned best while I'm here, so I know that I gave it my all. The more I put in, the more I get out, even if I don't end up doing medicine. And who knows, this might end up being the wake up call I need, and things might be better for it (Thanks Ash!).

And while I'm here, thanks to everyone who was trying to be supportive while I was just wallowing and feeling too sorry for myself to notice (or if I noticed, I wasn't able to drag myself out). In particular, thanks to J--, H----, K--, F------, J---- and C------ (who tried to cheer me up by dancing to "Town called Malice" by the Jam).

Got to stay positive. Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

I made the first steps. This evening, I went into the kitchen, ate my dinner with some of my flatmates and even made a batch of popcorn for them. (I'm getting better at it, but then again, I bloody well ought to, I've been experimenting with popcorn for about 6 years...)

Let's go!

AcidCat

PS. I've caught up to date with XKCD. Well worth a read. I felt a bit sad when I had finished and realised that I'd only get updates a few times a week, instead of having several comics to read per day. I've started re-reading them already...

PPS Fighting virtual demons on computer games is a darn sight easier than fighting metaphorical demons in real life.

Resolutions

200th post!
I'm a big fan of New Year's resolutions. People who don't make them "as they'll just end up breaking them" come across as too defeatist. In my opinion, I'd rather try and maybe fail... and I've got plenty of stuff I'd like to improve in my life, so new year's resolutions seem like a good catalyst to spur me on.

So here are my resolutions for 2009:

1. Be happy and be positive. (The most important one)
   
2. Do constructive acts, avoid doing destructive things (inspired by a NYE conversation with K--).
3. If I'm not sure whether to say yes or no, I'm going to say YES (Danny Wallace rules!).
   
4. Be focussed and motivated (i.e. Work hard, play hard).
5. Get fit. (A perennial one, I've made some progress in the recent past).
   
6. Do unto others as I would like them to do to me... especially to my friends. (They deserve it. I've realised the friends who I can rely on are really wonderful).
   
7. Man up, grow a pair and suck it up! (As I said, not just a resolution, a way of life!)
   
8. Be happy with myself on my own, being comfortable as an individual and comfortable in my own skin. Be confident. (This one's the most challenging)
   

Let's go and have a fantastic 2009!

Good luck with all of your resolutions.

Love
AcidCat

Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

Happy Xmas

May I be (one of) the first to wish you all a happy Xmas for 2008.

I am typing this on my shiny old computer, which my brother has kindly resurrected for me with lots of hard work from him, and a new network card which we purchased today. I'm awfully excited as it's going to make working on it next term so much easier, and it means I get to use Windows less often (although I am still using Windows XP and have avoided the dreaded "Vista" like the plague) and am currently using a version of Linux. It's shiny, fast and isn't crashing which is nice. I'm a bit of a Linux novice, so it'll be a fun adventure.

When we were at the shops buying a network card, it really struck me that the credit crunch is indeed biting. The whole high street was much less busy than expected for the Xmas period, in particular for Xmas eve.

I visited the pub with a few old school friends too this evening. The pub was also way less busy - also a victim of the credit crunch? There were four of us (each of whom go back more than half my life) and I felt a bit alienated, and got the whole "I don't belong here, I don't fit in here, and the others have moved on" feeling. It changed a little when two of them left and I chatted to the remaining friend on my own. It felt like proper communication was happening and like I was getting something out of being there instead of us just turning up to the pub out of boredom/duty/nostalgia/habit. It was good to see them all though and good to see them happy, especially the two who were having problems in their life, and the remaining one is very happy and in love.

Happy Xmas to you all

AcidCat

It's Xmas!

Had my flat Xmas dinner today.

We had:
Prawn cocktail
Pigs in blanket (sausage wrapped in bacon)
Roast turkey crown with onion gravy
Roast parsnips
Roast potatoes
Roast sage and onion stuffing balls
Mashed sweet potato
Brussels Sprouts
Carrots
Viennetta icecream
Yule log
Tiramisu
(Didn't manage to squeeze in the mince pies).

The others drank mulled and fizzy wine (Cava). I had a more civilised gin and tonic.

It was fantastic.

I haven't done much work at all today, but I've had a brilliant day.

This work life balance thing has swung too far towards the "life" side of things. However, I think I'm now happy, which counts for a hell of a lot, and I've now also got "the fear", so from now until the exam, I think my work rate will increase markedly.

It was quite good fun to cook the turkey and trimmings (which went quite well), and we had so much fun cooking together as a flat and having dinner together. It was lovely to feel like I belonged, which is a rare thing for me, and something I've really wanted for a long time, even if it's for a short period.

I'm happy.

AcidCat

Thank God it's Friday.

I'm so glad I've got to Friday in (pretty much) one piece. I've been exhausted and it's been such hard going so far. Working late and struggling to keep up in lectures. I feel like I've been sprinting for a little bit too long, and I can't keep it going. However, with exams in less than two weeks, I don't have the luxury of taking it easy and recovering.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to spend a fair amount of time with the wonderful one who has stolen my heart today. I got to spend a one hour coffee-break between lectures with her and two other friends and she organised a little DVD evening with three other friends that I was invited to.

I still have a lot of fun by hanging out with her, but I'm still getting tongue-tied around her. She's made it so very clear that she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, and certainly never with anyone she's working with - so often that I wonder if she knows how I feel about her. It's a bit frustrating. It should make me feel better, let me put her to the back of her mind, try and be her friend but instead I want her, but I can't have her. I can't put her out of my mind, and it doesn't help that I want to be around her. It's pretty sad as I don't feel this way about many people. I felt this way about my ex, but I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with her and thought I'd have a "happy ever after" with her.

It's sad. I seem to be a master of unrequited love. People want to find their place in life and the person they are meant to be with. I think that's the key to happiness.

On the "facebook" status pages of friends (I've started using facebook a little more - another thing to add to my list of procrastinations) I saw something beautiful and poetic written by a friend who I don't associate with art.

"[Friend] thinks that [place] shrouded in nighttime fog might be the most beautiful thing in the world. He just wishes he had had someone to share it with though."

I do think that is the answer. One is a lonely number. If you're lucky enough to be in a two, please remember how lucky you are. However, if you're in a two that isn't right - please do something about it sooner than later. The pain is going to get worse, both for you and them.

Goodnight
AcidCat