No more Mr Nice Guy

Tomorrow I have my first exam for my course. Fortunately it's "formative", which means that the mark doesn't matter at all, it's mainly for our benefit. I have taken this to mean that it's effectively a mock exam. As such, instead of revising hard, I'm tapping out a little blog entry and then going to get a comparatively early night.

Main thing today was a chat I had with one of the amazing one's flatmates (one of my study friends). We spent a little bit of time putting the world to rights (the NHS in particular), and bemoaning the portrayal of doctors by the media and particularly the government. Our experience of doctors has been pretty positive, and people seem driven to study medicine out of an overwhelming desire to help people. It seems a bit odd to vilify them as the government seem intent on doing (but we worked out it's probably out of political expediency: if the NHS is going badly, it's nothing to do with the government's poor management or chronic long-term underfunding (which has stretched back many governments - especially under the Tories), it's got to be those greedy, incompetent doctors. She also gave me a bit of a pep-talk about trying to stick with the course.

Anyway, she also said that I was a really nice guy for buying the amazing one the small birthday cake. I didn't really know what to say... I thanked her and tried to move the subject on.

Problem is, I don't know how much of a nice guy getting the present really makes me. I'm sure that the wonderful one appreciated the thought, and her flatmates all enjoyed having some cake. However, I don't know if she'd really enjoy the fact that her "friend" is obsessed about her and puts her on a pedestal. I suppose the gifts were altruistic in that I wasn't expecting anything back for it, and I just want to see her happy. I got a lot out of giving the gift though: just from her response and seeing her pleased, and the fact I got to spend a little time with her and a few of her flatmates, and also the little hug of thanks she gave me - made it certainly worth the time and effort of traipsing around shops trying to find things which she wouldn't be allergic to!

I did discuss with that flatmate about whether there was such a thing as a truly altruistic act (fortunately it had come up in a discussion with another workmate). We came to the conclusion that everything is done for self-interest to some extent. Even if the act seems selfless, it generally gets done for the gratitude, or for self-satisfaction (or the warm fuzzies as I put it). It doesn't make the act less worthy, but I'm just trying to get my head around whether it was the act of a nice guy or whether it was just me being selfish.

The final point on the matter was, it made me realise why I'm not very good at receiving compliments. When she said I was a nice person, it made me realise it changes people's perceptions of me. It means I have to work harder to live up to these expectations (and to some extent means that future acts are harder/more expected). In a way, I think I'd like to cultivate the reputation as a bit of a bastard who occasionally does some bizarre, nice, kind, unexpected things - but I don't think I'm very good at this. I wonder if this is related to my low self-esteem and self-confidence.

Anyway, I've procrastinated plenty long enough. I'm off to do a little bit of last minute reading, and then finally get some sleep.

Goodnight
AcidCat