Destiny's Child

From the excellent "Girl vs Pig" webcomic, issue 222


I've spent a lot of time today (when I should have been working) wondering why the hell I'm here at medical school. It's really hard work, and I don't think I'm a natural at it. I'm not in the lucky position of some of my friends who are desperate to become a doctor and it's their dream job. I could (probably) find work as a chemist and it would pay pretty damn well, would give me a reasonably fulfilling, challenging occupation and would scratch my itch to learn science.

I'm slightly worried that I'm the girl in the "Girl vs. Pig" comic above, bouncing from one situation to the next, not really knowing what to do. Just doing whatever takes my fancy until I get bored of it and all of the hard work goes to waste.

However, one thing I've been wondering is: am I destined to be a doctor? Not saying it would necessarily be the right decision anyway, but it made me wonder. I had been dabbling with the idea of studying medicine on and off between finishing my first degree and throughout the PhD... One inspiration was a chance meeting with one of my labmates in the computer room one day, and I saw her looking at a website about joining this course. I hadn't realised that she had an interest in it, and we had a bit of a chat about it. She said she was interested (and had clearly been looking at it more seriously than I had, as she had found out far more details), but wasn't sure whether or not to apply, and the closing date was coming up. I suggested it was a good idea to just apply and see where the pieces fell, as she had nothing to lose by just applying. She got in, took up the place and thanked me for helping her choose her pathway. She's now in her final year and is abroad in India on a placement.

The other event which was pretty pivotal was getting dumped. I was already planning on applying to do medicine by this point, but wasn't really sure about it. The med schools I had chosen to apply to were selected on the basis of allowing me be close to her... i.e. the London ones. When I got dumped, it really shook me up (you never would have guessed, the way I've been going on about it, would you?) and it left me wanting more from life. I started feeling that I had a yawning chasm in my life that could never be replaced, so it pushed me into coming to med school as a chance to do some good in the world. My thinking was that if I couldn't be happy myself, at least I could try and bring in some happiness by proxy by making other people better.

Weird thing was, if she'd dumped me before then, before the germ of the idea was sown, I don't think that I would have gone through with it. Similarly, if she hadn't dumped me, or dumped me much later, there was a fair chance I would have changed my mind and gone to do something else, maybe a research job, maybe a post-doc, just something so I could be with her.

This has made me wonder if I'm just meant to be here. On the other hand, the rational, scientific, logical, reasoning side of me wants to brain myself for being so dim. The Richard Dawkins in me is screaming at me to tell me that it's just coincidence, or just my reading significance into chance events. That's probably right, but just maybe...

To be honest, at the moment I need something to hold onto to keep me here. I feel like I'm drowning without it. So the thought that I'm meant to be here is just something I can cling to occasionally. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. I need more motivation. The opportunity to be around the amazing one occasionally is good, but it's also torture. I spent the weekend wondering if it was too much to drop in on her flat without a reason, or trying to concoct an excuse to drop in on her or her flatmates. In the end, cowardice prevailed and I haven't seen her at all. I know her influence is good on me: I never could have written this (overlong) post before her, she's managed to ease the pain, even at the distance she's at.

Let see how long I can keep going for...

AcidCat