Chinese New Year resolutions

Just got back from a Tube station themed party (I pillaged the nearest hedge, and with the benefit of copious sticky tape and staples, went as "Bushey" - without realising that Bushey is only an overground railway station and not an underground. Sigh. The costume almost doubles up for Green Park or Wood Green) which I wasn't very keen on going to. I was thinking of ditching it as I wasn't in the mood up until climbing into the cab.

As you might be able to guess as I'm now writing this after 5 am, I had a lovely time, really enjoyed myself and was thoroughly glad I went. I received a lovely compliment from a friend (L----) who didn't realise I was having second thoughts about medicine, who said that I would make a good doctor and said I was very talented and that I had a lot of charisma which in his opinion was a large part of the battle with doctoring (this coming from a guy who is super-charismatic). The whole evening shows an advantage to saying yes.

So, in honour of this, and as I made so many New year resolutions that I lost track of them, here are my Chinese new year resolutions...

1) Be Happy.
2) Be Focussed (i.e. when working I'm going to work, when playing I'm going to play. I'm not going to mix the two).
3) If I don't know whether to say yes or no, I'm going to say yes.

3 resolutions seems reasonable. Let's do it!

AcidCat

Made of fail

Finally got my exam results today.

In the core clinical science, I scraped a pass in one (literally got the pass mark), and the other one I failed. Pass mark 52%, my mark 49%.

Not happy about that. I'm not used to failure. Hell, I'm not even used to scraping by in things that I like and care about. If I'd scraped a pass in both, I'd still be pissed off.

I mean, this was my GAMSAT test result that I used to get into medical school in the first place:



This was meant to be a really hard exam (which puts people off applying to certain medical schools that request it) and I did well. I scored 95% on Section III (the science test). So it's a huge dent to my pride and confidence to fail on science in this exam. And score significantly below the mean mark in both.

I'm really pissed off. I'm also reconsidering whether I should be here/deserve to be here.

Will soldier on and think about it more over the weekend.

AcidCat

Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

Confidence boost

I had a wonderful morning at the GP surgery today! I got to see a whole host of interesting patients, including some pregnant ladies (whose urine I was allowed to dipstick), and people with diabetes, migraine, stress related problems, anaemia, and lots more. I only was asked to leave the room twice, and I could understand why for both times.

I really got an understanding of how difficult the work of a GP was. The amount of ground you have to cover in a short 10 minute appointment is incredible, and in addition to being there to look after the medical well being of the patient, you're looking after their mental and emotional health, and acting as a confidant and counsellor and social worker. I was drained after a morning there, and I wasn't even doing the work (and my GP still had an afternoon and evening surgery to run).

It was a fantastic experience, but I was overawed by what GPs had to do, and I already felt that my clinical skills weren't up to the task, so I made some comment to the GP that I felt that I didn't have a future in clinical medicine and certainly not as a GP, having seen how difficult it was, especially with such a short consultation time. She passed on one of the nicest compliments that I've received since I've got here.

The first week that we were sitting in on the GP surgery it was to observe hearing impaired patients. We were lucky enough to see two very different hearing impaired patients, different both in terms of how they had developed deafness and how they were managing with it. As I was really nervous, I thought I had made an appalling impression on both the patients and the GP. However, the GP passed on a message from the first hearing impaired patient that she felt that I had the best empathy and listening skills out of the entire group and felt that I would make an excellent doctor because I developed a good rapport. This was a huge confidence boost, and I was flattered that this had come from a patient without prompting. I left the surgery feeling fired up, and feeling that I could achieve.

That was the good part of the day. I'm afraid to report that I haven't managed to do much this afternoon, as I tried to take a one hour nap which I slept through the alarm for, and woke up 3 hours later. It might be a long night ahead trying to learn about the liver...

AcidCat

Destiny's Child

From the excellent "Girl vs Pig" webcomic, issue 222


I've spent a lot of time today (when I should have been working) wondering why the hell I'm here at medical school. It's really hard work, and I don't think I'm a natural at it. I'm not in the lucky position of some of my friends who are desperate to become a doctor and it's their dream job. I could (probably) find work as a chemist and it would pay pretty damn well, would give me a reasonably fulfilling, challenging occupation and would scratch my itch to learn science.

I'm slightly worried that I'm the girl in the "Girl vs. Pig" comic above, bouncing from one situation to the next, not really knowing what to do. Just doing whatever takes my fancy until I get bored of it and all of the hard work goes to waste.

However, one thing I've been wondering is: am I destined to be a doctor? Not saying it would necessarily be the right decision anyway, but it made me wonder. I had been dabbling with the idea of studying medicine on and off between finishing my first degree and throughout the PhD... One inspiration was a chance meeting with one of my labmates in the computer room one day, and I saw her looking at a website about joining this course. I hadn't realised that she had an interest in it, and we had a bit of a chat about it. She said she was interested (and had clearly been looking at it more seriously than I had, as she had found out far more details), but wasn't sure whether or not to apply, and the closing date was coming up. I suggested it was a good idea to just apply and see where the pieces fell, as she had nothing to lose by just applying. She got in, took up the place and thanked me for helping her choose her pathway. She's now in her final year and is abroad in India on a placement.

The other event which was pretty pivotal was getting dumped. I was already planning on applying to do medicine by this point, but wasn't really sure about it. The med schools I had chosen to apply to were selected on the basis of allowing me be close to her... i.e. the London ones. When I got dumped, it really shook me up (you never would have guessed, the way I've been going on about it, would you?) and it left me wanting more from life. I started feeling that I had a yawning chasm in my life that could never be replaced, so it pushed me into coming to med school as a chance to do some good in the world. My thinking was that if I couldn't be happy myself, at least I could try and bring in some happiness by proxy by making other people better.

Weird thing was, if she'd dumped me before then, before the germ of the idea was sown, I don't think that I would have gone through with it. Similarly, if she hadn't dumped me, or dumped me much later, there was a fair chance I would have changed my mind and gone to do something else, maybe a research job, maybe a post-doc, just something so I could be with her.

This has made me wonder if I'm just meant to be here. On the other hand, the rational, scientific, logical, reasoning side of me wants to brain myself for being so dim. The Richard Dawkins in me is screaming at me to tell me that it's just coincidence, or just my reading significance into chance events. That's probably right, but just maybe...

To be honest, at the moment I need something to hold onto to keep me here. I feel like I'm drowning without it. So the thought that I'm meant to be here is just something I can cling to occasionally. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. I need more motivation. The opportunity to be around the amazing one occasionally is good, but it's also torture. I spent the weekend wondering if it was too much to drop in on her flat without a reason, or trying to concoct an excuse to drop in on her or her flatmates. In the end, cowardice prevailed and I haven't seen her at all. I know her influence is good on me: I never could have written this (overlong) post before her, she's managed to ease the pain, even at the distance she's at.

Let see how long I can keep going for...

AcidCat

Medical trivia

Just random trivia bits I picked up which I love.

1) If you have a defective ovary, and a defective fallopian tube (ovarian tube) on opposite sides, you're probably not infertile. The working fallopian tube will move across the uterus, and reach over to the working ovary, and hoover up the egg expelled from the ovary. Really freaky, a bit like an alien tentacle.

2) We have about 2 metres of DNA in each of the nuclei of most human cells. This gets packaged and folded into nifty chromosomes which are only 5 micrometres big. (A human hair is about 80 micrometres wide)

Three posts in a day! Caffeine is a mighty, but dangerous thing.

My heart will go on?

...and I'm back again!

Hi everybody!

So, I saw a news story yesterday on the BBC News that made me absolutely furious.

Mother denied daughter's organs - Saturday, 12 April 2008 15:00 news.bbc.co.uk
Click on the hyperlink above if you want to know more about it, but here are the salient points.

1. Mother urgently needs a kidney transplant due to diabetes induced organ failure.
2. Daughter agrees to be a living donor (i.e. donate a kidney whilst still alive).
   
3. Daughter suffers a coughing fit and dies.
4. Daughter's kidneys go to two strangers on the transplant waiting list.

To be fair, the formal process of the daughter becoming a living donor had not begun at the time of death.

However, if it were me and my organs (helpfully ignoring the fact for one moment that I would be too dead to express my view point), I would say either my relative gets the required organ, or none of my organs can be used for transplant. At all.

I think it seems fair that in exchange that the offer to help strangers with a donation of my heart, lungs, corneas, liver, pancreas and one of my kidneys, I should be able to help a loved one by deciding where one of my organs go.

I'm going to try and find a donor card (as shockingly I'm not on the organ donor list), but alter it, so that it covers this eventuality. It's going to say something along the lines of:

"I donate any of my organs, as long as any of my close family who require organs for a medical condition receive organs first. If not, I do not offer any of my organs."

I have a feeling that as the rules currently stand, then they won't accept any of my organs. I don't think that's fair at all. They will lose out badly. I think this could dent the popularity of organ donation (and they are extremely short on organs) by not seeming to be a fair system.

I understand the counter-argument that if you allow people to decide where their organs go completely you could end up with serious problems (e.g "I want my organs to only go to people of this religious group/racial group/sexual orientation), but I think this is a long way off helping your relatives first (which should give you the best chance for a successful transplant anyway, as you've got a closer tissue match).

I'm really upset and worked up about this. If anyone thinks they can convince me otherwise and change my opinion, I would be gratefulto hear the arguments. I think you'd struggle to change my mind though.

Your furiously

AcidCat

Since the last episode...

Hi everybody!

As both of my readers may have noticed, I haven't posted for ages. This has mainly been due to my starting a new job, whilst trying to finish off a PhD thesis in the evenings and weekends, and sorting out everything that applying for a place to read graduate medicine entails (such as interviews, vaccinations and volunteering at a hospice), and partly due to my not having an internet connection at home, so posting requires me doing it from work, or using the WiFi connection down the pub. I've finally got a first draft of my thesis (yay!), which I hope will be winging its way to the examiners on Monday courtesy of DHL, so hopefully I will have time to post occasionally. And maybe even have a chance to go to sleep sometimes (the past few months have been a bit tough).

Anyway, as I haven't posted for a while, here is a whistle-stop recap of what I've been up to since Xmas.

• I've started a temporary 6 month job as a process chemist at a major pharmaceutical company in Loughborough.
  

It's really good fun and I am loving it. It is a really refreshing change to my PhD, where the chemistry didn't work, and it was a real hard slog, which made me feel like I didn't know anything. By contrast, this has rebuilt my chemistry confidence as I've had a lot of stuff work, and a fair amount of that success has been due to my research. Not all of it worked, but the difference in industry is that if it really doesn't work, you abandon it and look for an alternative. Not to mention that it's really well paid (for my student-mentality standards anyway). I liked it so much that I applied for jobs doing it permanently, including one where I have the temporary contract. Sadly not long before I was due to be called for interview at my workplace, there were global layoffs of 500 research staff - net result, freeze on hiring. No jobs. Oh well. At least I'm enjoying it now, and have a few more months to try and do something good and hopefully lasting.

• I've moved into a new flat

I have a little studio flat in Loughborough. It's recently been done up, so is all shiny and lovely, with polished, laminate flooring, washer-dryer, dishwasher and a double bed that falls into the wall (just as well, because if it didn't, the room would be pretty tiny). It's gated, and even got parking. It's so lovely! It's not expensive by southern standards of anywhere in the south-east. Only downside is that it doesn't have internet or a phone line, and I was quoted £150 to get it connected. Which would be a bit steep bearing in mind I'm only there for five months (should have been six, but the credit checking people messed me around, so my contract is shifted by a month, so I'll probably end up paying rent for a month I won't be living there. Sigh).

On which note, if you're looking for a letting agent in Loughborough, Aidan J Reed were excellent (who showed me around 3 houses, including my current residence), but the other two; Belvoir and Hartley Estates were laughably bad. Belvoir showed me round two properties: one was quite nice, but still being built and very overpriced, and the other was so bad that it looked like a squat. It was embarassingly bad. The guy from Harley Estates turned up, didn't care, showed me round a tiny overpriced room and was damn rude. Rant over. Anyway, I love my flat, but hate all the admin associated with moving into a new flat. Like council tax. Don't mind paying it, just hate all the paperwork.

• I've been accepted to study medicine!

Current status: one uni - rejection without interview, one uni - interviews for 4 and 5 year courses - awaiting offer, final uni - offer conditional on my finishing my PhD before the course starts! Pleasingly, that's my first choice university anyway. As it looks like no-one in the pharmaceutical industry feels like offering me a job, it makes my decision easy. It looks like I'll be off to learn to slice'n'dice people up in September! Which is really exciting!

I think these were the major bits of update that were needed so I'll round off this post here. Hope to see you soon!

AcidCat