I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.
Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.
Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)
(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).
Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.
I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.
I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.
"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."
I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.
"Thank you... I think you're cool"
"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"
She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:
"I'd like that"
and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:
"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".
"I had no idea you felt like that"
"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)
"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"
"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)
"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).
"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."
"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".
"I'll email you to find out when you're free."
"Good night"
"Good night"
And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:
"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"
"Not as much as I am!"
(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).
Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.
I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.
The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).
I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).
So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.
R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.
AcidCat
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