Fight the demons

I've spent the time since my last post feeling a bit low. I felt a failure, I felt pretty much friendless, like no-one really cared. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be here. I was confused and overwhelmed by the work, yet couldn't muster the motivation to do it. I felt the clouds of depression moving in on me. I've barely left my room except to do the things I had to, and go to lectures.

I spent some time thinking about it today. I was worried that the Prozac had stopped working for me.

Then I realised: I was fine before I got the results. That meant, the prozac was working fine. It was just the way I was responding and handling the knock-back which was screwed up.

My sulking and becoming introspective wasn't helping at all. It was just making me miserable. The only person who is responsible for my happiness is me. So if I'm lonely, and friends don't seem to care, why should they? They don't owe me. Anyway, they might be concerned and not know how to show it/not want to intrude/have their own problems or demons to face.

I still don't know if I'm meant to be here: but even if not, I'm going to do my damned best while I'm here, so I know that I gave it my all. The more I put in, the more I get out, even if I don't end up doing medicine. And who knows, this might end up being the wake up call I need, and things might be better for it (Thanks Ash!).

And while I'm here, thanks to everyone who was trying to be supportive while I was just wallowing and feeling too sorry for myself to notice (or if I noticed, I wasn't able to drag myself out). In particular, thanks to J--, H----, K--, F------, J---- and C------ (who tried to cheer me up by dancing to "Town called Malice" by the Jam).

Got to stay positive. Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

I made the first steps. This evening, I went into the kitchen, ate my dinner with some of my flatmates and even made a batch of popcorn for them. (I'm getting better at it, but then again, I bloody well ought to, I've been experimenting with popcorn for about 6 years...)

Let's go!

AcidCat

PS. I've caught up to date with XKCD. Well worth a read. I felt a bit sad when I had finished and realised that I'd only get updates a few times a week, instead of having several comics to read per day. I've started re-reading them already...

PPS Fighting virtual demons on computer games is a darn sight easier than fighting metaphorical demons in real life.

Thank God it's Friday.

I'm so glad I've got to Friday in (pretty much) one piece. I've been exhausted and it's been such hard going so far. Working late and struggling to keep up in lectures. I feel like I've been sprinting for a little bit too long, and I can't keep it going. However, with exams in less than two weeks, I don't have the luxury of taking it easy and recovering.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to spend a fair amount of time with the wonderful one who has stolen my heart today. I got to spend a one hour coffee-break between lectures with her and two other friends and she organised a little DVD evening with three other friends that I was invited to.

I still have a lot of fun by hanging out with her, but I'm still getting tongue-tied around her. She's made it so very clear that she doesn't want a relationship at the moment, and certainly never with anyone she's working with - so often that I wonder if she knows how I feel about her. It's a bit frustrating. It should make me feel better, let me put her to the back of her mind, try and be her friend but instead I want her, but I can't have her. I can't put her out of my mind, and it doesn't help that I want to be around her. It's pretty sad as I don't feel this way about many people. I felt this way about my ex, but I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with her and thought I'd have a "happy ever after" with her.

It's sad. I seem to be a master of unrequited love. People want to find their place in life and the person they are meant to be with. I think that's the key to happiness.

On the "facebook" status pages of friends (I've started using facebook a little more - another thing to add to my list of procrastinations) I saw something beautiful and poetic written by a friend who I don't associate with art.

"[Friend] thinks that [place] shrouded in nighttime fog might be the most beautiful thing in the world. He just wishes he had had someone to share it with though."

I do think that is the answer. One is a lonely number. If you're lucky enough to be in a two, please remember how lucky you are. However, if you're in a two that isn't right - please do something about it sooner than later. The pain is going to get worse, both for you and them.

Goodnight
AcidCat

Sometimes I feel that my only friend

... is the city I live in, the city of angels - Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Under the Bridge

Hi everybody!

I felt the itching to blog. Though it isn't convenient (as I can't do it at work and I don't have an internet connection at home) the need was so strong that I left work early and walked down to the library to get a terminal.

I feel so isolated. It's a really unpleasant feeling. It just feels like I'm vanishing into the background and fading away.

There are very few people who will speak to me at my work place. Granted, I'm not the gregarious heart and soul of any party, but when you get ignored unless people want something it doesn't feel pleasant. I may as well not be there for the impact I make on anyone else (barring the amount I accomplish in terms of chemistry).

Being at work is also my main activity. On weekdays, I work my ass off. I generally get in to work between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning, and leave generally between 7 and 8:30 pm. On the plus side, as I get paid per hour, it's pretty lucrative. However, it leaves me with very little time or energy to do anything in the evenings. That's why the lack of meaningful contact with my work colleagues seems even worse.

Weekends are a bit of a welcome relief. Generally I'll spend it with members of my family: the only people in the whole world I really feel truly comfortable in the presence of. I don't need to work really hard being entertaining or struggle to just get acknowledged. They appreciate being with me just as much as I like being with them.

Last weekend was spent with a few of my old labmates. I got to have lunch with my ex-boss who is amazing and I admire greatly. However, I've got a feeling in my head that I have to be on my best behaviour to impress him so he doesn't think less of me. This is utter rubbish as he's fantastic and doesn't care what I do, but still it makes me more alert and on edge. Seeing some of my lab mates made me realise that although I had some very good times there, it is time to move on. I don't belong there: people are moving along without me, without really thinking about me, it's time for me to face the future and leave the past behind.

Time to stop there, my time on the library computer is coming to an end, and I'll hopefully be able to post at leisure this weekend anyway.

AcidCat