Back home

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home

I'm back home for the holidays. It's nice, but I'm still finding my place and a routine. I really get on well with my folks which is good, and it stops me from getting on the nerves of the friends who I hang around normally.

I got a short message from the girl I'm really crushing on. I haven't seen her for a while now, she left university shortly after the exams finished last week. It made me lose all eloquence for replies and I sent back a brief note of no doubt embarrassing tone or content.

I'm worried history is repeating itself. When I was doing my first degree, I spent my entire first year and a bit pining after a blonde girl who I was madly in love with / had a huge crush on. Similarly I fell in love/lust with them one of the first times I met them post-interview (i.e. after joining the course), and both studied the same subject as me.

I didn't get the girl last time.

Blondie was beautiful but had no real personality (but she was young, so maybe that was still to come). It was clear I'd never get Blondie as her personality didn't fit mine, and she clearly wasn't even remotely interested in me. This time though, the girl is really special. I think she's beautiful, has the most intriguing personality, and I think we work well together. Problem is, she's made it explicitly clear she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment, and she's said she wouldn't want a relationship ever with a group of people that I'd fall into. I don't know if she knows my feelings and is warning me off or it's just a general comment. She may well know, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. For instance last time, when I was crushing on Blondie, it was the worst kept secret very rapidly among my friends, most of my year group and Blondie. This time round, my crush on the amazing one is speculated (and probably known) by two of my flatmates, despite my very best efforts at hiding it.

And I realise most of this post is a repeat of what I've written before, but this is what has been floating on the top of my mind and it won't go away. I keep daydreaming of just spending time with her... I know it's unhealthy.

AcidCat