Back to good

I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.

I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.

When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.

I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.

When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).

We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.

Love you ~R

AcidCat

A nearly great weekend

I've had a wonderful weekend where I did the minimum amount of work, went to parties and saw some of my beloved family who are incredibly fantastic and who I love very much. I know I'm incredibly lucky to get on well with my folks, when so many come from more dysfunctional families.

The only thing that has slightly spoiled it was realising how much power that she has over me. Today's party made me happy to see her when we were exchanging glances across the room, nervous when she invited me to sit next to her, and furious and sad when a misunderstanding made her pissed off at me for something that I hadn't done.

I hate people having power over me. Can I break my addiction by blowing up her flaws and minor things I don't like about her?

AcidCat

Grr...

Exam this Friday. Am stressed. Am feeling disconnected with the world and a bit annoyed. Going stir-crazy and am a bit sick of being here, being alone, and being without her. Going to try and find a punchbag tomorrow.

AcidCat

Disaffected and Out of sorts

So we're alone again
I wish it were over, we seem to never end
Only get closer to the point where I can take no more
The clouds in your eyes
Down your face they pour

Won't you be the new one burn to shine
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
Yes, all you have to do is cry

Hush my baby now
Your talking is just noise
And won't lay me down
Amongst your toys
In a room where I can take no more
The clouds in your eyes
Down your face they pour

Won't you be the new one burn to shine
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry
Yes, all you have to do is cry

Photographs and brightly colored paper
Are your mask you wear in this caper
That is our life
We walk right into the strife and a tear from your eye brings me home

Won't you be the new one
Burn to shine
I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry

-- Closer - Joshua Radin


Don't know why it is. Maybe it's the gloomy, miserable weather. Maybe it’s the imminent exam that I feel extremely unprepared for. Maybe it’s due to feeling betrayed by the course and administrators of it. Maybe it’s because no-one here really seems to want me as a proper friend, just a fun/polite acquaintance. Maybe it’s because people don’t behave honourably and will just get what they can out of life. Maybe it’s even just because I’m not getting enough sleep. (I’ve even been told I’ve been subdued today because I’ve swapped my red bandana for a blue one).

No matter what, I’ve spent the day feeling disappointed. I’ve not been as chirpy as normal. I haven’t thought highly of people, or patient with them. I’ve got a cynical, pessimistic view of the people around me – the world at large.

The world is a cold place. People go around in their self-contained, self-absorbed bubbles; trying to screw everyone else over, just making sure they end up in front of everyone else. When people give more than they take, the rest of the world sucks the generous few dry. We bounce around alone, gathering fleeting moments of happiness, trying to shield ourselves from the world out there that doesn’t care. When you start to fall, who is there to help catch you?

All you have to do is cry.

AcidCat

Feel the rage!

Yarr!!

I'm glad none of my resolutions included not getting angry...

Am furious with the trains: the above inflation price rises announced today: despite the fact that the service is rubbish and we're trying to encourage people to use cars less and use public transport more to save the planet... The train companies lining their pockets. Fecking disgusting.

Also tried to fill out my tax return today (before the 31 January deadline) and it appears to ignore my user reference number and password. So as a result, I've got to ring them up and wait for them to post one out to me. And why do we need a NI number, a unique tax code and a user reference number, all of which seem to be only there to identify it as being me?? I hate red tape...

Must stop here, can feel an artery in my brain pulsing and threatening to explode...

AcidCat