A voyage of self-discovery

Things I learned about myself today in clinical skills:

• My height is 1.666 m
• My mass is 64.3 kg
• My BMI = 23.2

• My waist circumference is 0.76 m
• My hip circumference is 0.92 m
• My Waist:hip ratio = 0.83

• My blood glucose (an hour after a jacket potato with cheese and baked beans) = 6.2 mmol/L

Things I learned about myself today in a lecture:

• The wonderful one thinks I'm a "filthmaster".

I have an interesting learning environment.

AcidCat

Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

Why I blog

I recently read through a popular philosophy book called "The Pig that wants to be eaten: and ninety-nine other thought experiments". I enjoyed reading it and exercising my brain.

One thought experiment theme is a discussion of art. Is art worthwhile if no-one is able to see it? One example was: if there was a lead lined box which contained an unseen, undiscovered Michaelangelo, but was rigged to explode should the box be opened or probed, would it be worth keeping as art?

Basically, this blog falls into that category. The only people who might be interested in reading this are the people who know me. I have deliberately kept it a secret: if anyone who knows me stumbles across this blog, they'll know who I am, but I haven't advertised it to anyone. Anyone who doesn't know me won't find this interesting enough to keep reading. The situation reminds me of the middle verse of "Eleanor Rigby" where Father McKenzie is "writing the words of a sermon that no-one will hear".

So, why do I bother blogging?

My conclusion on the art thought experiment was that if the essence of art is the self-expression of the artist, then it doesn't matter if no-one sees it. If art has to be done for fame, money, or to make a point, then it's worthless if private, but I'm a romantic and I like to think it is there for the artists enjoyment (not that I'm conceited enough to compare my poorly phrased writing with Michaelangelo's creativity).

I blog as an outlet for my thoughts. It's a very cheap form of therapy. I'd like to use it as a way of getting my thoughts in order, and find out about myself. It's a nice record if I ever decide to read over it again.

I also enjoy having a place to whinge without any repercussions of coming back to bite me. I want to vent after a frustrating day.

In the unlikely event of anyone reading any of it for pleasure or information, it would be a definite added bonus.

Anyway, enough rambling for one night.

Love to you all.

AcidCat

AcidCat

I've kept this blog anonymous intentionally. It means I'm able to write more candidly than if people knew who I was.

I've pitched this at a level that if you know me, you'll probably know it's me just from what I've written. If you don't know me, who I am is irrelevant anyway.

Most importantly, anyone who knows me but wants to find out about me, and googles for me won't find this blog. It'd have to be a fluke. I certainly haven't told anyone about this blog, and have gone to efforts to make sure it's reasonably secret (hence the hiatus in mid-January when I didn't have a personal internet connection in my room).

It's a bit paranoid, and I'm not interesting enough to make this worthwhile. Nevertheless, I do value my privacy. When people ask if I'd rather be rich, powerful, or famous, it's easy to discard famous as I'd rather not be famous (but I'd like both the other two... and as rich and powerful as possible please).

That's why I write under a pseudonym. AcidCat is a clue, if rather oblique. It is a reference to what I do, and one of my hobbies.

If anyone thinks they know who I am, email me at acidcat@gmail.com. I don't offer prizes or anything, specially as I'm deliberately trying to keep private, but if you're a friend who I've lost touch with, chances are I'd love to get back in touch and be a better friend again.

Someday I'll fly away.

AcidCat