Fight the demons

I've spent the time since my last post feeling a bit low. I felt a failure, I felt pretty much friendless, like no-one really cared. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be here. I was confused and overwhelmed by the work, yet couldn't muster the motivation to do it. I felt the clouds of depression moving in on me. I've barely left my room except to do the things I had to, and go to lectures.

I spent some time thinking about it today. I was worried that the Prozac had stopped working for me.

Then I realised: I was fine before I got the results. That meant, the prozac was working fine. It was just the way I was responding and handling the knock-back which was screwed up.

My sulking and becoming introspective wasn't helping at all. It was just making me miserable. The only person who is responsible for my happiness is me. So if I'm lonely, and friends don't seem to care, why should they? They don't owe me. Anyway, they might be concerned and not know how to show it/not want to intrude/have their own problems or demons to face.

I still don't know if I'm meant to be here: but even if not, I'm going to do my damned best while I'm here, so I know that I gave it my all. The more I put in, the more I get out, even if I don't end up doing medicine. And who knows, this might end up being the wake up call I need, and things might be better for it (Thanks Ash!).

And while I'm here, thanks to everyone who was trying to be supportive while I was just wallowing and feeling too sorry for myself to notice (or if I noticed, I wasn't able to drag myself out). In particular, thanks to J--, H----, K--, F------, J---- and C------ (who tried to cheer me up by dancing to "Town called Malice" by the Jam).

Got to stay positive. Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

I made the first steps. This evening, I went into the kitchen, ate my dinner with some of my flatmates and even made a batch of popcorn for them. (I'm getting better at it, but then again, I bloody well ought to, I've been experimenting with popcorn for about 6 years...)

Let's go!

AcidCat

PS. I've caught up to date with XKCD. Well worth a read. I felt a bit sad when I had finished and realised that I'd only get updates a few times a week, instead of having several comics to read per day. I've started re-reading them already...

PPS Fighting virtual demons on computer games is a darn sight easier than fighting metaphorical demons in real life.