You say it best, when you say nothing at all

Sometimes I'm such an impetuous idiot.

I went for a cup of tea on the grass to watch the sun set with R-----. Because I've been bottling it up inside me for so long, I decided to tell R----- that I loved her. Despite the fact that it's so early that I'm not even sure you could call it a "relationship". Despite the fact I know she's "got issues". Despite the fact, I really don't know how she feels at all. Despite the fact she's got other things going on now.

The power of three words amazes me.

Unsurprisingly, she freaked a bit. If I was going to be rational about it all, she freaked a lot less than she had a right to, and I should have expected her to. She seemed shocked that I had said it so early and that I'd barely knew her. I had forgotten that a month ago, she had no idea that I really liked her, she's had weeks to get used to the idea, whereas I've been pining after her for over 6 months. I didn't tell her that, because for once, the impetuosity was filtered out somewhere between my brain and mouth - otherwise she would have freaked out (and I wouldn't be able to blame her - I worry I'm turning into a stalker).

After we changed subject though things went back to the normal fun. We had a long chat to procrastinate on instant messenger this evening, and she popped by briefly this evening so I think things are ok. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't such an impetuous idiot. Luckily, the amazing one said "Yes, but you are a lovely idiot". A sentence which made me love her all the more. Damn.

As she's not listening here, I can get away with it now.

I really love you, R-----. You make me feel so happy just by being around me. I feel sad when you're upset, but I'd still love to be with you no matter how you're feeling. But when you're happy and you're near, I feel that I've hit the jackpot and the world is the most incredible place. I can't promise you "forever" - I don't think you'd want me to, and it would be dishonest - I'm not psychic, I can't see what fate and the future holds. I can tell you though, that I've never felt this way about anyone before - ever. I've never met anyone who I've found so amazingly beautiful and attractive as you are. I've never met anyone who's as much fun to be with. I've never met anyone I'd rather spend time with - I can't even think of anyone I'd rather spend time with. You just glow with a radiance. I want to make you happy - it would make me ecstatic.

Luckily, I didn't say that to her, otherwise she'd probably be at an airport right now, in disguise, paying for a ticket to a mystery location. In cash. I just told her that I loved her.

Hell, since even before I asked you out, you're the reason I stopped thinking about my ex every day. I didn't even notice it. It was about bloody time, it's been over 3 years; it was time those scars faded. Thank you.

You're a major reason I'm determined to do well and stay at this course. I want you to be here. I want to be here with you. No more of this "I'm not sure" from me now. I'm focussed.

You inspire me to act how I want to behave. Do things well. I want to be good enough for you. I've noticed changes in my behaviour and outlook in life.

Thank you. You're incredible.

And the one fact I definitely want to keep hidden from you - you're so amazing, wonderful and fantastic that even if it doesn't end up working between us, I'm going to try my damnedest to stay your friend as you're unique and incredible. I thought that before with my ex, just when we were starting to date. However, this time having gone through it once, I'm trying to keep myself realistic and I think I'd be better at it. Hoping it doesn't come to that though.

I love you.

AcidCat

P.S. Just a random observation. Some of the best love songs don't have the word "love" in them. Example, Elton John's "Your Song". I came up with a few today, and not explicitly saying love means you end up working harder to express your feelings so it becomes more heartfelt and less cheesy (a la "Love is all around" or "I will always love you").