Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fear

Ok, suffering a horrible bout of depression. My mood is a roller-coaster at the moment, feels more like plunging falls than exciting twirls or gentle climbs. I feel terrified about this course, terrified about my social skills (or lack of them), terrified about how my family are doing, terrified about how I'm going to live in this house for another year.

Then I see ~R. And everything is wonderful. She almost makes me calm. She nearly makes me forget, and just enjoy the moment.

And then my mind screws things up worse by my realising how important she is to me. How she makes me feel. How much I love her. My mind twists the knife by bringing to my attention how much I need her, how much I rely on her.

But also how unworthy of her I feel. It feels like she's out of my league. I'm reduced to a simpleton in her presence because I'm in such awe of her.

She makes me smile and laugh inside from almost anything she does. I've got a little note in front of me from her that she wrote asking me to go to lunch with her today, and it still makes me stupidly happy.

And I can't bear the thought of losing her.

Aaargh. Why won't my mind just behave?

AcidCat

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