Animal magnetism

Had another amazing day today. Spent it with R-----. We went to London Zoo, which is lovely, but quite expensive. One of R-----'s friends (who works at the zoo, effectively running a dating agency for the animals) managed to get us in free and give us a lovely guided tour of the must see highlights (thanks very much H-----!) which was cool.

It was lovely to see the animals: London Zoo may not be the biggest zoo, or one with the most animals, but the animals there were clearly happy and content and very well looked after. The primates were adorable, the meerkats were extremely cute. The most beautiful thing there though was the one I came in with.

I've had such a wonderful day with her. I keep finding myself staring at her, and just thinking "I love you". I love her so much. Seeing her just makes me feel so amazingly happy. I'm confident she likes me now. I really enjoyed our journey back. I put my arm around her a few times, and I had her head against me: close enough to feel the warmth of her head on my cheek and so I could smell the scent of her hair. She touched my hand with hers.

Just remembering it again now - I feel so happy, content and relaxed. Life is so good to me right now.

AcidCat

An entrancing day

An awesome 2nd date.

I was much less nervous today. We just went out and had fun. We walked along the Thames towards Tate Modern. Saw the main installation which was really cool and interesting, looked at their second floor exhibition (included two rather dodgy films - showing some artists can be serious perverts!) and drank tea from the top floor of their cafe watching London go by.

We grabbed a quick bite from a pizza restaurant. R----- had a serious allergic reaction to the pizza despite it being labelled as being nut-free. She had run out of anti-histamines and was about to administer adrenalin. I was so relieved to find anti-histamines in my bag. I refilled the anti-histamines in my bag as soon as I got back.

We went to the hypnosis talk which was really interesting. I got chatting briefly to a clinical hypnotist who was lovely and gave us some notes and gave us her card in case we had any questions. I enjoyed the talk which showed the power of hypnosis (the speaker helped to put someone under so that they could reset a broken leg without anaesthesia!) and got some interesting lines that I thought I could add to my routines. R----- was excited by the talk and admitted to becoming a convert to hypnosis.

We had a wander together to have a look for a tattoo studio that she was thinking of getting a tattoo from. We went to have noodles for dinner and then went for a lovely walk together, wandering around Covent Garden. The atmosphere was wonderful, summoning the café culture that the 24 hour drinking was supposed to bring. A Monday evening there where people were having fun, there were families with younger children. There were buskers playing music adding to the scene, and the sky was clear and beautiful. Slightly embarrassingly, she caught me staring at her, because she is incredible.

We wandered along the Thames towards Embankment. I love central London at night time. It was so peaceful, but with the cars going past, it never got spooky. We stared out across the river and just enjoyed the calm scene.

The tube journey back was amazing. She was tired and she rested her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her, and it felt fantastic.

Our local tube station was closed at night, so we had a long walk back home. It was fun to chat and she told me some really interesting stuff about greek legends. She's so smart and knowledgeable and amazingly cool. I adore her.

I'm so excited. We've arranged to go out on Wednesday to go to London Zoo. It's going to be so much fun. I just need to keep in my head that we should just go and have fun together and forget about "dates".

I'm so happy. When we were at the end of the evening, staring out on the Thames with the moon looking down on us, I remembered thinking that I can't remember being this happy. When we had the hypnosis talk and they mentioned a "keepsake": a symbol that made you feel happy or safe - I thought of the daisy chain that she made and put on me.

Don't get carried away. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy her company. Live in now - enjoy it like it's our last moment. It's a nice ideal to dream as if it will last forever, but it's far too early for that.

:-)

AcidCat

PS. Something that amused me: when one of her flatmates texted her today, she replied that she was on a date with me. Her flatmate texted back that (unlike R-----) she wasn't at all surprised. It does suggest that R----- was slightly oblivious, as the people who could see it was easily in double figures.

Having said that, she did give me a lovely compliment saying that she didn't think that I could be interested in her. I know that sounds ambiguous written down here, but the way it was said made me know that it was truly wonderful.

Dammit. Can't get carried away.

Art attack

Quick post before bed.

Second properish date tomorrow... I'm nervous and excited again. We're going to a hypnosis lecture in the evening, but we're going to make the most of being on holiday by spending the day together. I suggested the Tate Modern as R----- mentioned that she enjoyed museums and art galleries and hadn't been to the Tate Modern. I'm really hoping the main installation is good now...

Eep. I'm so jittery. Have spent the evening doing my laundry, then finding out my skills with an iron are no-where near good enough...

Every message I get from her, I keep thinking "I love you". I'm so glad that text messages and emails you can't hear what the other person says when they receive it, otherwise it might scare her away. Bearing in mind how oblivious she was that I liked her (despite the attraction lasting for over half a year of me failing to keep it under wraps), I don't think she realises the extent of my feelings towards her.

Hope tomorrow (or actually today now!) goes well. Will concentrate on just being relaxed and having fun and a good time together. Don't think either of us needs the pressure.

Good night everyone!
AcidCat

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart

I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud, say 'em clear, for the whole round world to hear.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
I wish you could know what it means to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

I wish I could give all I'm longing to give
I wish I could live like I'm longing to live
I wish that I could do all the things that I can do
Though I'm way overdue I'd be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found  I could fly
Oh I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
And I'd sing cos I'd know that
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free

-- "I wish I knew how it would be to be free" - Nina Simone

I'm feeling so happy at the moment. I know I'm getting carried away, but I've spent the evening in the company of R----- (the amazing one), and some other friends. And it feels fantastic. I know I'm reading too much into it (just like I falsely read too much into how badly the first date went), but I'm feeling so much more comfortable about everything (although I still go jittery and blank whenever I'm around her). Everytime she looked at me, my heart just melted. I knew what happiness is from a single glance. She made a daisy chain and placed it around my head to wear.

I want to keep it, but don't know how to keep it looking beautiful. It's so fragile and amazing. I get the most incredible warm fuzzies just looking at it.

She's so fantastic. I need to try and get the balance right of spending time with her, but not hounding her so much that she tires of me. It's so difficult, specially when you're so crazy about someone that you think about them all the time.

Also having a wonderful day anyway. Had a lovely late night chat with my flatmates and also found out that a little cake to a sad person can make them feel much happier. It's a brilliant feeling to know that you've helped make someone's day better.

Love to all of you. Hope you're as happy as I am. Today's another one to add to the days I want to hang on to.

AcidCat

Something positive

Thanks to comments from my newly re-livered friend D---, Ash (from Arien Musings) and my sister, I'm now feeling a lot more positive about yesterday's date.

Bottom line is, I now realise I was hoping for too much.

I had fun yesterday. Let's just see how things go and hope to have some more days out where we have fun and then see if we connect.

Thanks to all of you guys. You're all fantastic.

Love
AcidCat

Damn

Just got back from my first ever date, and feel that it's particularly appropriate that it's now April Fool's Day.

It didn't go particularly well.

I filled my time this morning tidying up like crazy - in case we came back to my flat, as it needed doing anyway, and also as a displacement activity to try and prevent me from getting nervous.

I picked her up from her flat. Her flatmate answered, and we had a bit of a chat. I don't know the rules of dating so this was already not going to plan. I wasn't sure if this person knew I was taking R----- out on a date (or even whether I was there to see her) so I already felt off-guard.

We went to the Bodyworlds exhibit in the O2 centre.

The journey down was slightly awkward. The conversation didn't really flow and I was feeling a bit nervous, despite my best efforts.

We arrived a little early and we stood by the river for a bit, and for some reason the conversation started flowing a little more freely.

The actual Bodyworlds exhibition was enjoyable and well recommended for anyone - even if you aren't studying any medical/physiology discipline. Some of the exhibits are artistic, some are informative. It's a really good way of getting a feel for what's happening to you below the surface of the skin. I was slightly in awe in that place (a bit like being in a church or place of worship) which kept the conversation slightly stop-start.

We finished the exhibition feeling slightly ravenous. I don't think it's particularly an effect of being around the preserved cadavers - for me certainly it was largely due to nerves meaning that I had only eaten a few slices of toast up till that point. We went to a reasonably mediocre Native American Indian themed steak restaurant inside the O2.

We went to NamcoStation - an arcade where we played some computer games, and I got humiliated at air hockey and a stompy game a bit like DDR. I did about as well as she did on the Time Crisis shooters, with her scoring more points my improved survival.

We wandered along the Thames towards Chinatown. By the time we arrived it was quite late and most the shops were shutting. We went to Haagen-Daz Cafe, but were severely underwhelmed by the selection, so we went to Ben and Jerry's (closed), tried one of the Chinese cafes for bubble tea instead at 10:55, but they told me that they were closing at 11. I tried to flirt and play with the (male) waiter to persuade them to serve us - but when they clearly weren't about to budge I started really laying it on thick and teasing them - until R----- finally dragged me away. I thought that I had embarrassed her, but she said she just found it funny.

We ended up at a nearby internet cafe where we rounded off the evening, before heading back on the tube, and walking back from the tube station.

I think the date itself was quite fun - if I hadn't intended it as a date, and it was just two people going out and having a good time, it certainly did that. I was just disappointed because I'm not sure we had real chemistry going on. I'm still incredibly attracted to her, but I don't know if it will work. I loved spending time with her and learned so many fantastic, fascinating things about her. I was a little disappointed that I didn't even hold her hand, let alone finish the night with a kiss, but then again I do worry I'm a wuss. She said she had a nice time and that she'd like to do that kind of thing with me again, but I wonder if I've just wandered into the friend category. I can think of worse places to be, but compared with my hopes and dreams it's a slightly disappointing second best.

I still really love her. I'm just feeling a bit deflated now.

Hopefully a night of sleep and life will feel good again.

Maybe it was mostly first night nerves.

Love to everyone, but especially R-----. Thank you for a fun day. That much was never in doubt. I enjoyed it.

Love
AcidCat

PS - The therapeutic power of blogging. I feel so much better and more positive about the whole experience having looked over the day as a whole instead of how I came back and just looked at all the things I had screwed up and felt that hadn't gone well.

Excitement

So excited about tomorrow.

Was going to blog about Phoenix tonight, but am tired, it's late and my mind is racing with tomorrow's adventure.

I'm a bit nervous, partly as it's the first time I've ever gone on a formal date so don't really know what happens and how to act, but in another act to add to the list of reasons that I love her, she sent me a message confessing it's also her first formal date.

Wish me luck!

AcidCat

Connections

I have had an amazingly brilliant weekend, which was rounded off nicely when I saw this post on Ash's Arien Musings blog. Ash is someone who I don't know in real life, but I am privileged to read her blog and have her read mine.

I love the message on this blog post and thinks that Ash writes beautifully. Seeing this blog post has elements of why I'm so happy at the moment:

Two people, each making their own way in the world.
Suddenly, for at least a moment, not knowing how long it will last, there is a shared connection (albeit in very different ways).
We stop being lonely individuals bumping around a cruel world.
For awhile, you know someone is with you, and the world is a friendlier place.

It's a bit like the graffiti in this comic (yet again, from the excellent xkcd - I do think for myself, it's just that xkcd keeps hitting a spot with me and says what I want to say in a more poignant or humourous way).

Thank you Ash and I hope love treats you well too.

So life is treating me well. I have no idea how well this date is going to go with the wonderful one. To be honest, I am absolutely terrified - but it's a good kind of fear. Like the moment when you're on a roller-coaster and you can see the drop coming, and you feel scared and excited in anticipation.

It's weird when you know someone and love someone - but don't really know whether they like you. I was convinced she knew how I felt and was shocked when she didn't.

I'm so glad the secret is out. It can never go back into the box - I'm happier and hope she will be too.

Love to you all, but especially you, R-----. You haven't been far from my mind all day. No matter where I was, or what I was doing, you were just hiding there - giving me a lift.

AcidCat

Life is good!

Still flying high!

Woke up early, naturally and full of energy. That never happens to me. I'm just buzzing and full of endorphins and happy hormones.

It feels like even if it doesn't work out, life will still be better for my having asked.

I feel so free. I'm glad she knows someone out there loves her, and hope that it makes her happy and feel good about herself.

I now just need to keep myself grounded and stop myself getting carried away.

And it's a beautiful sunny day out there!

Love to all of you, but especially her!

AcidCat

Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

A nearly great weekend

I've had a wonderful weekend where I did the minimum amount of work, went to parties and saw some of my beloved family who are incredibly fantastic and who I love very much. I know I'm incredibly lucky to get on well with my folks, when so many come from more dysfunctional families.

The only thing that has slightly spoiled it was realising how much power that she has over me. Today's party made me happy to see her when we were exchanging glances across the room, nervous when she invited me to sit next to her, and furious and sad when a misunderstanding made her pissed off at me for something that I hadn't done.

I hate people having power over me. Can I break my addiction by blowing up her flaws and minor things I don't like about her?

AcidCat

Testing times

Today I had the end of module exam. Topics covered included upper and lower GI tract, kidney function, thyroid function and pancreatic function (and the associated insulin and diabetes). I think it went ok, but then again the examiner did say the exam was easy (therefore the pass mark will be higher), and also, any time on this course I thought the exam went well I end up with a bad mark, and conversely when I think the exam went poorly, the mark so far has been ok. So, no judgements, just time to wait for the marks to come out.

Went to the pub to unwind afterwards, but I think I'm cursed with the local that the uni kids go to. I never seem to have a particularly fun time while I'm there. The best experience I think I've had while there has been geeking out and playing chess with C-------- after the last exam. Didn't have a wonderful time, and when the people I was with invited me back to halls for coffee, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially as one of them was the wonderful one.

Spent the early evening around the wonderful one's kitchen. I really like all of the people who live in that flat, so I had a lot of fun. The coffee made me a bit jittery though as I don't really do caffeine: Never normally drink coffee, rarely drink tea, occasionally drink cola. I got a bit shy and awkward around the wonderful one again, partly think it was because we were both tired from the exam and the revision for the exam all week long.

Anyway, went to a party with some of the kids from uni, and had a good time. I rarely drink alcohol, so today as people were pushing alcohol in my general direction, I drank too much which hit my system far too quickly. I got annoyed with myself for getting drunk, and also that people were starting to guess about my infatuation with the wonderful one. And I knew who was spreading the rumours, which annoyed me a bit too - but a useful lesson to know that L--- (as nice as she is) can't be trusted with anything she takes to be potentially juicy gossip. Another thing that spoiled my evening was that the person I thought was the biggest arsehole on the course confirmed it today, by getting high and groping a lot of girls against their will and tackling me to the ground. I almost punched him, but I was glad I managed to control my rage. I do wonder who would have won a fight between us though. Physically he's larger and probably stronger, I'd be relying on speed and knowing where to hit. Let's hope it isn't put to the test.

On the happy finish for the party: I spent a lovely time with one of the nicest girls on the course C------, who I think is wonderful. I got to spend some time chatting to my gym buddy T---- who is a really cool guy and a role model for how I want to change. I also spent some time talking to some old friends (like M---, one of my favourites from my first PBL group) and spent a bit of time getting to know some coursemates a little bit better. And I had a chance to dance, and take lots of photos.

Anyway, am now back, have had a drink of water, so hopefully shouldn't be hit hard by a hangover tomorrow, and am nearly ready for bed. Am looking forwards to a rare weekend of leisure: it's going to be amazing!

Love and peace and hope to you all

AcidCat

PS: Seriously, random question about leukaemia? What the hell does that have to do with GI, kidney, pancreas or thyroid? And is it so much to ask to expect the exam questions to be proof-read for spelling, grammar and have them generally make sense?

Destress!

And relax!

I'm chilled now.

I've spent an hour pounding seven shades of shit out of an old bag.

My muscles are now all shaky, but you should see the other guy (the punchbag).

The best way of getting a connection to life and the world.

Missed the sunlight today, but the punchbag was pretty necessary.

AcidCat

Grr...

Exam this Friday. Am stressed. Am feeling disconnected with the world and a bit annoyed. Going stir-crazy and am a bit sick of being here, being alone, and being without her. Going to try and find a punchbag tomorrow.

AcidCat

A voyage of self-discovery

Things I learned about myself today in clinical skills:

• My height is 1.666 m
• My mass is 64.3 kg
• My BMI = 23.2

• My waist circumference is 0.76 m
• My hip circumference is 0.92 m
• My Waist:hip ratio = 0.83

• My blood glucose (an hour after a jacket potato with cheese and baked beans) = 6.2 mmol/L

Things I learned about myself today in a lecture:

• The wonderful one thinks I'm a "filthmaster".

I have an interesting learning environment.

AcidCat

Oops I did it again.

My friend T---- gave me lots of interesting information about the "Game" - the world of pick-up artists: how to get the girl. I've just skimmed through some of the bits of info, but a lot of it seemed to make sense to me. Why nice guys don't get the girls (because although the rational part of a woman's head knows that nice guys are good for them, they're not attractive. Nice guys are like broccoli, good for you but unexciting. Bad guys are chocolate fudge cake - you know it's not going to do you good, but you want it anyway). How to act around them (basically be the best person you can be, present a really confident side of yourself, don't show them how much you like them). I decided to take elements of this in my life as it seemed a generally positive thing to do, and would help me act around her.

And then she called me.

It was her graduation day today. Her first graduation was a bit of a disaster by the sounds of things, she didn't have fun and her dad made her so stressed about the whole event. She wanted to have a good time this time, so this morning, I sent her a text message wishing her a happy graduation day.

This evening, she rang the phone in my room. I wasn't really expecting it to be her and was a bit flustered. Didn't manage the cool, alpha male, presenting-positive-side attitude I was aiming for. Ended up doing the geeky, shy, tongue-tied self. I wittered on for a bit and then after we hung up, I confessed my love. Luckily no-one was around to hear it, but I've been trying to deny it even to myself recently.

I'm so pissed off with myself. I wish I could read her. Are the things like ringing me and pulling my hair her way of flirting and a sign of interest, or just her being friendly? She's a really friendly person, so I've been assuming the latter, but sometimes I just think (and wish)...

I love you.

Congratulations on becoming a Master (or I suppose Mistress...)

AcidCat

Something for the Weekend

I’ve had a really great weekend. Haven’t got enough work done, but it was great, so I need to stay up late to scribble it down before I forget. This will help lock in the happy feelings to keep me going when things are bad.

Friday was fun. The day was long and difficult. Again, I had some problems with the one who I’m crushing on. I don’t know how to act around her – don’t want to be so keen that I just annoy her, but I love being with her.

Anyway, after lectures I went to gymnastics. I skipped the pub; I’m not feeling at home with my coursemates at the moment. The gymnastics session was great, even without my usual partner in crime, who gave it a miss due to over-doing it at the gym, football and circuit training. I got the round-off more solid, and I even landed a few front-handsprings and front flips on the tumble-track. The new coach is great and she’s very hands-off, letting us do what we’re interested in. She’s also applying funding for an air-track. Air-tracks are amazing pieces of kit – imagine an extremely springy bouncy castle which is very long and well suited for all manner of flips. I had a go on one during a parkour workshop a few years back – I was able to land flips without any tuition at all. I hope we get one!

After that on Friday evening, I managed to get a beautiful girl into my bed, but I sent her to sleep (literally). Sadly, that’s somewhat less salacious than it sounds – V-- came for a hypnosis session and I tried out a slightly different routine than last time. Although most of the changes fell flat and she kindly and gently let me know which bits were better last time, some of the new bits I decided to try seemed to work very well, and I did actually get her to go to sleep (but then again we were doing the session at gone 11 pm at night. It was a hell of a buzz and I’m very excited about the whole thing.

Saturday the excitement was the Spectrum party (for kids with special needs). It was less fun than last time as there were actually more volunteers than kids so it wasn’t as manic or exciting and challenging. It was nice to see how much fun the kids had though, and how much the parents enjoyed having a few well earned hours off. After that, I picked up a lot of reduced meat in Sainsbury’s and ended up with a serious protein overdose.

I finished reading “The Game” by Neil Strauss. It’s about the world of pickup artistry and attracting women. Interesting stuff. I feel that I seriously could do with some help in that area, but he also paints a scary picture of how the scene actually is, and how it can warp your perception of women. It isn’t an advice book as such, more his story of transformation into ladies man, but there was one piece of advice that seems to be particularly relevant to me. “One-itis” is when an AFC (average frustrated chump – like me) gets caught up on a woman thinking that she is “the one”. This means he acts like a puppy dog around her, and gives in too easily, which women hate. The PUA (pick-up artist) response to this is to just go and pick up lots of other women, to make you forget about the one. As I don’t have the time, or the abilities to do that (hell even one other woman), I just need to concentrate on trying to spend more time doing other things and spend more time with other women. I know I’ve been trying that for a while, but I’d better redouble my efforts.

Today I went to see “The Flying Dutchman” at the Royal opera house with my brother. It’s the first time I’ve been to the opera, and I didn’t know anything about it before I went. It turns out that it isn’t about a train (that’s the “Flying Scotsman”) or a fly-on-the-wall-documentary about KLM (different kind of flying Dutchmen) or about a takeaway where they lace the batter with marijuana (that’s the “Frying Dutchman”). It was a bit more like the stage version of “Pirates of the Caribbean”, all the way down to the undead sea-farers. Not convinced about the whole thing, but there were good moments. Two and a half hours, up in the gods, on rock hard seats, with head at an angle to see the stage, sat next to an irritating woman who kept trying to clap along to bits of the song and who left before clapping (which is just bloody rude in my opinion) were downsides. Plus points were some of the staging was quite interesting, a fun evening out with my brother and some of his friends was cool, and the star (Bryn Terfel) went to the trouble of picking up the cheap loose daffodils that were thrown down at him during the applause was a really nice touch.

And last but not least, I got to speak to my mum over the weekend. She is in Hong Kong seeing her mum who is terminally ill but currently stable. I miss her and it was lovely to speak to her. I’m really sad that I know she’s going to be in so much pain and finding it all so hard. I feel bad for my grandma too, but worse for my mum.

I love you mum. Wish I was able to speak to you a bit more over the weekend. Look after yourself and come back safe to me. Love you lots. Love you too grandma.

This is for both of you.
From the wonderful xkcdAcidCat

Life examination

Feeling a bit out of sorts today.

The big plus point of today was receiving my exam results. Did ok in the mock practical... failed most of the stations, but did well enough to scrape a pass overall. Most pleasingly was that I did quite well in the written exam that actually counts, despite finding the exam incredibly difficult. Well enough to drag my average up nicely (to below average for the year but as I was well below before, I'm still pleased) especially in the basic clinical science that I was doing very badly in. I'm still concerned that despite scoring reasonably well on that, I don't feel like I know the material very well.

Anyway, I feel like I don't belong again. One of my flatmates is a selfish bastard who doesn't like me, takes everything he can, winds me up and tries to put in sly jabs at every possible opportunity. If it wasn't for his presence, it would be a great flat. Oh well. I'm just going to try the minimal contact approach and see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about her. I don't know if I'll ever have her, which makes me feel sad and lonely. I wish I didn't feel this way about her. It makes me overanalyse all my actions and thoughts. Am I wishing for something I don't really want anyway? I wonder if this is a case of head saying no, but heart saying yes.

Can't wait for the weekend. Weekend without her as she's away, and a weekend that (assuming I can get on top of work) allows me to get away from the course and flat for most of the time.

Time for me to crack on with work to give me the weekend, and hypnotise/positive think my way out of my head.

AcidCat

Dreaming of you

What's up in my heart when it skips a beat?
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

When I'm down and my hands are tied
I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line.
From this pain I just can't disguise
Its gonna hurt but I'll have to say goodbye.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

Oh yeah

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

-- Dreaming of you - The Coral

I was at my beloved's house party yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I can't exactly remember what happened, but I got her on her own and asked if she'd like to go and have lunch with me. She agreed and as I was leaving she said something like "Ooh! I'm going on a date!". Then when I came to take her out, she dumped me, leaving me in floods of tears. And then I woke up.

I saw her in lectures today and chatted to her. I adore her. It's the first day I've spoken to her properly as she's been away suffering from illness for a good while.

She's away this weekend seeing her dad. It makes me feel free in a way as I won't think about whether I'll bump into her or anything like that.

I wish I could get you out of my head or just make you mine.

Love you

AcidCat

Friday 13 and Valentine's day

Have a bit of a backlog of things to say. I've been mad-busy recently trying to cram for an exam I had on Friday 13.

Good thing I'm not superstitious. Going into an exam feeling pretty stupid, underprepared, on Friday 13 having had a pretty bad week might make one think that one was going to fail... we'll have to wait and see what the results say. The only plus point is that everyone seemed to leave the exam saying how difficult it was. It did teach me I do need to learn drug names better and not just drug classes. Also need to know contra-indications to prescription better.

Valentine's day went pretty much as expected. I sent out one card - bet you can't guess who to. As normal I didn't receive one - but then again, I've never received one in anger; the only time I've ever received one was from my ex while we were going out. Not a surprise. I spent Valentine's evening at an anti-Valentine's day party at the wonderful one's flat. Chocolate fondue, enough to give all present a bad case of diabetes. Quite a girl heavy evening. Though sadly not in the way that would be optimal ;)

Was quite good fun anyway. Am meant to be practicing for my practical clinical examination tomorrow, but can't get motivated for it. Specially as it's a mock and I feel drained from the work I did for the written exam on Friday. Instead I'm going to see my folks before my mum goes back to HK this week. A better use of my time methinks.

To all you out there, whether or not you had a loved one to share Feb 14 with, love to you all!

AcidCat