Why should I move, when I can dance?

Just a quick one.
It's coming up to 4 am, and I'm off to bed next.

I've had a fab evening. I went to my first ever toga party with lots of my fellow medic students. It was a real blast.

It was my first go of drinking alcohol for quite a long while, and the first time I've been dancing in a pseudo-club for ages. The atmosphere was fantastic.

Also I managed to spend a little more time with the beautiful girl I love. I'm staring at her far too much. The problem is, to nick a quote from Red Dwarf "When she smiles, it's like when the pinball table fully lights up and gives you a free game". I am addicted to that smile, and I just love looking at her. I'm slightly worried that she's noticing.

Life feels good right now.

Love to all

AcidCat

Down's Syndrome visit

Hi everybody!
To stop this blog becoming the story of my descent into madness and stalkerish behaviour, I'm going to talk a bit about a home visit I made today.

As part of my course, I visited the family of a child with Down's Syndrome with two colleagues, with the intention of teaching us medical students the social side and problems of families dealing with children with special needs and how it impacts the family dynamic. Down's syndrome is a genetic disorder (typically caused by trisomy (3 chromosomes) on chromosome 21) which manifests itself in delayed development - so a 5 year old with Down's syndrome may show the "mental development" of a child a few years younger.

It was an amazing experience. I really enjoyed the visit. The family were really nice, and I don't know what I was really expecting. The first thing that struck me was quite how cheerful the child (H) was. H was a five year old boy who had just begun at a normal school, and he seemed so happy. It didn't seem to phase him in the slightest, the fact that three strangers were in his house and were cluttering up his living room. He was friendly and outgoing and engrossed in the cartoon on the DVD player.

The family were lovely. It was a standard nuclear family: mum, dad (who wasn't there for the visit), elder brother (who wasn't affected by Down's). They obviously showed him a lot of love. The older brother was obviously very bright, and slightly more shy about meeting the three strangers in his home.

The mum kindly chatted with us for just under an hour and a half, while H played in front of us (trying to destroy the living room and investigate the DVD player - despite it being in a child-resistant cabinet). It struck me from hearing her stories how shamefully inadequate the support the family received was, and also (despite the family doing an amazing job) how guilty the mum felt. Every time she complained about (very understandable) problems, she kept suffixing it with self-effacing comments like "you must think I'm awful" or "I'm such a whiny bitch". I don't know how well I would cope with looking after a child with a learning disorder, but if I did as well and as much as that family, I would be pleased with myself. I also think that after that visit, I could do better than I thought beforehand.

It's made me even more keen to volunteer here for the special needs club, which organises little activities and parties for special needs children. If you have the opportunity to get involved with similar, please do so. It would do you good, not to mention helping the kid and the family.

Peace and love
AcidCat

I just can't get you out of my head

I just can’t get you out of my head,
Boy your love is all I think about.
I just can’t get you out of my head,
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about.

--Kylie Minogue - "Can't get you out of my head"

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. Being in love is really helping me get over my ex. It's much less painful to think about her. In fact, I had a dream recently about meeting up with my ex, and the experience (in the dream wasn't too bad). It feels like I'm on the road to recovery.

The only problem is I really (REALLY) want this girl so badly. I don't need to keep listing her virtues, I think my last post makes my point clear. As the post title suggests, she's been haunting my thoughts. When I daydream, it's about her. She's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It's really hard to concentrate on anything or anyone else when we're in the same room together (which makes lectures rather difficult).

It makes me develop stalkerish behaviour that I have to keep fighting off. I want to be with her and around her, as she lifts my spirits. We went to try out a sport club tonight which was fun (especially as it meant I got her to myself for the walk down and walk back). It made me realise that I'd happily go and watch a competitive paint-drying tournament with her, if it just meant I could spend time with her.

Down-sides: On the walk back, she talked a bit about her ex, and how she's happy to be single and enjoying it. Now, as you can guess, she's not a stupid girl (in fact, she's the complete opposite). I'm wondering if this means she's enjoying being single, or if she's realised that I'm head-over-heels, crazy about her, and this is her idea of letting me down gently.

To be honest, I don't know if I'd ask her out anyway. I don't know if that's just me being a coward, or not wanting to make things awkward with the one person I really look forward to seeing, or it not being the right time (we're both so mad busy at the moment).

She is the centre of my universe. I love her. I know what love means. I've been in love before. This is the real thing. Not just a crush.

AcidCat

Out with the old, in with the new

Hi everybody!

It was her birthday this week. It was her third birthday that I haven't been a part of. Her birthday is one of very few dates which are lodged firmly into my head and I don't forget. I still think of her everyday.

The good news though is that I've been chatting with the most incredible person who has made me think things are good. I'm not one of life's optimists, and I'm really scared about a lot of the life decisions I've made. Chatting to her and being around her just makes me feel amazing.

Only downside to all this is I've fallen for her: in a big way.

In a way, this is good news. It's real progress in recovering from my ex that I know I'm really in love again. It also shows me that I wasn't in love with the other fantastic friends I was crushing on. This is the real thing.

The downsides are: she's on my course. I absolutely adore her, and I'm constantly fighting off the temptation to hang around her in a stalkerish manner. Just being around her gives me such a lift! She's the highlight of any day I see her.

She gives me such butterflies. It's an amazing feeling.

I don't think anything is going to happen. Problem is, I don't know if I'm good enough for her (she's so pretty, funny, kind, cool, interesting, entertaining, smart... I could go on) and I don't know what I can offer her. Even if I am good enough for her, I don't really have enough time to really hang around and do cool stuff together.

She's so amazing!

Even if nothing ever happens, if I can have her as a friend I'll be so happy. She makes me feel so incredible. I feel alive again!

When I'm with her, it puts an exclamation mark on the end of every sentence. (Have been fighting off the urge to hit that key all post long, to keep the number of them reasonable).

She's going to break my heart completely one of these days: I just don't know how.

And for the time being, I'm looking forwards to finding out how ;) !

I forgot how love really feels! I'm just hoping that the eventual come down isn't too painful...

Love to everyone (but especially her)!

AcidCat

Dear past

Dear C--, C----, H---- and S----,

Hi guys. I've lost touch with you a long time ago, but have been thinking of you, so decided to write to you all.

You guys don't know, but I've just started at uni (again) and am finding it pretty hard. The work is unbelievably difficult (nothing I've done before has prepared me for this) but socialising has been even harder.

I've never been the most outgoing person, and although I love having friends, I'm not very good at meeting new people. I don't have the huge charisma that some people do. I'm a fiercely loyal, trustworthy person, but it's not enough to make people fascinated by me. And I don't exactly ooze confidence, so I end up as the person in the corner at parties and on their own during the short breaks between work.

Basically I wanted to thank you all for making my first trip through uni enjoyable. You were some of my first proper friends at uni first time round. You took me under your wing, and dragged me to come out. You were a hell of a lot of fun to be with, and I really enjoyed myself when I was around you. You even made me believe I could be fun and exciting myself.

We got on well enough to live together.

I'm so sorry I screwed it all up.

I didn't realise it at the time. Me and M hooking up didn't help. I still don't quite know how it all went so pear-shaped (I also lay some of the blame at A--- sharing with us via C--. He manipulated our naivety and began the rot). Anyway I'm really sorry I ended up screwing it all up between us, and between you all and M (I still feel guilty about that bit now).

Please just accept my apology. I was young and immature. I hadn't had a serious relationship and it swallowed my life up entirely. I was so completely and madly in love that I just dove right in. I felt whole for the first time in my entire life. A missing part of me just fit together, and so I just grabbed the chance and ran with it.

I should have kept the other parts of my life and time going better. I should have noticed the (rather explicit warning S---- gave me at the Xmas flat party). I should have done more when H---- made the peace making phone calls.

Basically I screwed up. In a big way.

I've lost touch with all of you completely for around 6 years. I genuinely hope you're all well and life is treating you well.

I don't know if I'll ever see any of you again (probably not). If I do, I hope you've forgiven me, and you don't take delight in the way my life has turned out and what happened between me and M.

Hope luck follows you all in the future, wherever you all are, whatever you're all doing.

Love
AcidCat

Wind beneath my wings

Be good to your friends.

Do something nice for them:

Drop them an email, or even better, give them a ring, or drop by for a cup of tea.
Invite them for dinner.
Suggest an evening out together.
Go for a cafe.

It's amazing how much of a difference you can make for them.

Everyone needs to feel loved and needed and wanted.

Do it. Now!

AcidCat

Success is my only m-----f**king option, failure's not

"Lose Yourself"

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking, how everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, pow!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it , he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

[Hook:]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no mo, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner', but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

[Hook]

No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these goddam food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not cause maybe the only opportunity that I got

[Hook]

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

First day

Day one of a four year graduate medicine program.

After a lot of (recent) panicking that I've been making the wrong decision by coming back to university to start all over again from scratch, leaving behind me the science discipline that I was talented at, I finally reached my first day.

It was a mixed experience. I feel like the first day went alright, but I realised that there is a hell of a lot of material to learn extremely quickly. I don't know if I'm up to the task. I've spent most of today trying to learn about the ear and how hearing works. It was all alien to me and all over my head, making me quite concerned.

But then, about an hour ago, while deep in anatomy and physiology books, I got the pay-off. I realised that by doing this, I'm going to have a hell of a lot of knowledge crammed into my tiny little brain very quickly. I'm going to start mining a different area of human discovery.

I've always wanted to be a renaissance man. Stephen Fry is awesome, and just seems to know so much stuff. I think being a renaissance man is beyond me, I don't have much art in my soul and I'm about as unathletic as they come. However, it excites me that I could become good in two separate disciplines: one physical science, one biological. Even if I don't get the opportunity to use both (which I would ideally love), if I manage to master them, it'll be an awesome feeling. And besides, it should give me plenty of trivia for the "down the pub" evenings...

AcidCat

There's no place like home

Hi everyone!


Friday evening:
Feeling fed up. Life was rubbish. Convinced everyone else around me was having a good time. Felt I'd screwed up my life and made lots of the wrong choices.


A weekend at home with my parents and siblings. Doing nothing particularly rock and roll.


Sunday Evening:
I think I can do it. Things are ok, and I've got a chance of making things work.


Moral of the story: There are some people in this world who believe in you, inspire you, pick you up, carry you. Find them, look after them, love them, keep them.

AcidCat

Grr...

Have started at university again since Monday, and am hating it.

I haven't admitted this to anyone else.

Why are people so hard to make friends with?

Why are people so superficial?

Why am I here??

Scar tissue

Scar tissue - A problem encountered when connecting a DVD player to a TV set.

I was driving back to Loughborough last night for hopefully my final time, and I realised that I'm starting to heal. Things aren't bad. I could even start thinking about her and thinking she wasn't the centre of my universe. I feel like I'm moving on and can start the next section of my life.

I think the end of PhD and being able to close one era of my life helps. I can leave the past behind me and look forwards, not back. I don't like to think about her in too much detail as I don't want to rip off the scar just as it's healing, but at least it's progress.

To underline it all, she haunted my dreams again last night and everything was all good. I don't want to go into details, but when the dream ended upon my awakening, I didn't feel despair. Certainly, I would have rather the dream was a reality, but the fact I can just enjoy the experience on waking is progress.

I feel better. It's about time things started to heal and fade. It's been nearly two years - about bloody time.

AcidCat

Feel more like a stranger each time I go home

Hi everybody!

I went back to my academic lab as one of my lab-mates viva and finish their PhD. Was very tempted not to go as they didn't bother telling me they were due to viva, I was left to hear it from the people in the lab, all of whom were told.

I'm glad I went. Not massively for myself, although I did end up having a good time. I realised that most of the lab mates were absent via holidays. It turned out that there were only four people who came back for his viva, one of whom can't stand the person finishing the PhD (and the feeling is mutual).

I remembered finishing my PhD, and the viva that followed. What made it for me was celebrating with all the people who I worked with and it made me really happy. I'm glad I helped increase the crowd size for him.

It also gave me a chance to spend a little more time with some more people from my lab who I really like, including someone new who I'm very sad I didn't get a chance to work with her (She's really awesome: smart, cool, kind, funny, amazing diplomatic skills - invaluable in the lab...). Also any evening when I get a chance to chat to my ex-boss is a good evening. I don't want to repeat my gushing praise again as I'm in danger of idolising him.

Anyway, I'm did have a good time there. However, I did realise that things are moving on and I really don't belong there any more. The people who made that place such a happy one are each slowly leaving. It never quite felt like home to me (nowhere does absolutely - I still haven't found a place to call home), but sadly although it felt close, I'm realising as time goes by, it becomes less and less like home.

I'm hoping my next adventure brings me home.

AcidCat

It's gonna hurt but I have to say goodbye

Hi everybody,

I got rung up today with a friend having personal problems. It's another relationship thing. He rang me because he realised I had gone through a very similar experience.

Poor thing had been strung along by a girl, and he fell in love with her. When she told him it wasn't love, at least not reciprocated...

He's going through the same lack of sleep, unwillingless to eat or do anything. He wanted to stay in touch with her, even though she was just playing games with him (still).

What do you do, when nothing you do will do any good? I could tell the advice to steer clear fell on deaf ears. Feeling powerless is horrible.

All I have to say is: if you're going through this kind of dilemma, don't try and do it alone. Lean on your friends. They're there for you, even if your mind warps itself into believing they don't care.

Love to all, especially anyone in pain.

AcidCat

Something old, something new

Hi everybody!

Finally finished my placement at the pharmaceutical company last Friday. It's quite strange and a little sad. I got on well with my lab mates who were very welcoming (more so than the other workmates I met there), but I've got a fair amount of sadness about it (probably) being the end of my chemistry career.

Since being there, I realised that I've got far more skills with chemistry than I appreciated while doing my PhD. If I hadn't thought I was just mediocre with a test-tube, I may still be pursuing chemistry. Since A-levels, I had wanted to follow the academic pathway in chemistry: the plan was to do a degree in chemistry, then a PhD, then become a professor with my own research group. The experience of failure during my PhD made me think I'd crash and burn if I tried independant chemistry research. Now... I'm wondering if I'm throwing away something valuable.

Anyway, off onto the next new challenge!

AcidCat

Modern life is rubbish (part 2)

Despite how much of a techno-geek I am, I now hate computers.

My thesis woes have had me go through about three computers, tear my hair out trying to deal with software (especially Endnote - avoid like the plague if you can, and if you can't then stick to a single version, going to a newer or older verson = world of pain). I ended up working till midnight on Sunday night trying to finish the damn thing, and ended up having a long drive after wards. I had to have a little nap on a service station for about half an hour, and ended up getting home at around 4am, ready for a new start at work... oh happy days.

Anyway, I think it's all behind me now and hopefully I can reformat my computer's hard disk soon and start with a shiny new install of Linux instead of my now-loathed Windows.

I'm starting to understand how some people are still using typewriters/pen and paper now.

Much more of this and I'm joining the Luddites!

AcidCat

Modern life is rubbish

Grr... my computer decided to throw a tantrum and stop working... just as I was starting to correct my thesis for final submission. I can't easily use other computers as it needs specialist software. I really hate Microsoft and Windows (though I must concede that WinXP is pretty good, especially compared to the other windows products). Looking forwards to reformatting and reinstalling with Linux so I might get a stable platform.

I think the computer stopped due to me taking it with me on a bit of a voyage from Loughborough down to London. I'm a bit annoyed as I wanted to spend the weekend in Loughborough just doing the corrections. I decided to come back as I was meant to meet up with some school friends. The journey looks like it killed off my computer, and my friends decided they didn't want to meet up, so was a wasted trip anyway. I'm dreaming of close, non-flaky friends: any offers?

AcidCat

Every silver lining has a cloud

My general feelings of elation and celebration came crashing down to an abrupt end.

My brother has just gone through a painful end of relationship. It scares me to see him this hurt. I've been through it, and know there's nothing I can say to help, and very little I can do.

I hate the feeling of helplessness. I really want to help. She was never worthy of him anyway, so I'm not that sad about that, but I'm so angry.

I want to make the whole world work and be right. Instead, I'm miserable and angry that the world is broken and I'm not powerful enough to fix it.

AcidCat

Viva forever

Hi everybody!

Just had a weekend to let the viva sink in fully.

The day of my viva was a fantastic day. My external examiner (whom I respect and admire) reassured me during my pre-viva stress by saying "I don't know about the other guy (internal examiner) but I've read through your thesis, and I say don't worry". It was a hell of a compliment. In addition the congratulations from him as we started the viva was a real confidence boost. Post-viva, the icing on the cake was a comment from him that he would like a copy of my thesis after I had finished my corrections so he could read through it as he was genuinely interested and wanted to chat to my boss about my work as an interested chemist and not as an examiner. Coming from such an amazingly smart and gifted scientist it made me feel so incredibly flattered. There weren't even that many corrections to do!

Other things about the day were also amazing. People who had left the group came back to say hi and celebrate with me. One of whom even took the day off from work to do so (he handed his thesis in on that day whilst there)!

My labmates threw me a fantastic post-viva party. They had bought me some amazing, incredible, generous gifts. The best of which was a framed photo frame filled with pictures of me with past and present lab mates. Made me remember the good times of the past 4 and a bit years. If that on its own wasn't enough, they also got me a huge array of other gifts, some silly and frivolous, and some very sensible and practical, but all incredibly generous and thoughtful. (Amongst which was my much appreciated group T-shirt with number 5 and "Enforcer" on it). It made me feel so stunned, and I hope I had shown my gratitude sufficiently, but am a bit worried that I was so shocked by their incredible generosity and effort that I didn't. In the unlikely event that any of you are reading this, allow me to say "Thank you. Very, very, very much".

The whole experience made me feel so mixed. It emphasised what a wonderful group of people I knew and made me feel high, but also made me feel sad that I was finally leaving, and would no longer be a part of my wonderful supervisor's amazing group.

Fortunately (in some ways) the next day, where I went in to finish my chemicals, an experience made me glad I was leaving. Jizznut, the only person in the lab who I dislike, showed his obnoxious, inconsiderate side. The group has a new PhD student who showed amazing diplomatic skills and defused the situation, but I'm glad I don't need to work in the same room as him. I think it's a real pity I didn't get a chance to work with the new PhD student however, as I think she's fantastic. My supervisor has a talent for choosing good students (with the single exception of Jizznut).

I said a goodbye to my adored supervisor. He's a person I idolise, just because he's an absolutely incredible person. He's so clever, but humble. An amazing scientist but with brilliant social skills (and artistic too). Reasonably junior, but incredibly generous. Just an amazing human being. I bought him a small gift to attempt to express my thanks to him, which he accepted it incredibly graciously and enthusiastically. He also gave me some words of wisdom, and was very humble about his input over the course of my PhD, despite the fact I don't think I could possibly have had a better supervisor. Such a great man. I hope I'm able to stay in touch with him. He said I was welcome to pop in, which was lovely.

I've been going on for ages, but I wanted to put this down, if for no other reason than a record for my own benefit. The viva experience put me on such a high, I want to capture this feeling so I can relive it.

AcidCat

Judgement day.

It's half past one in the morning, and I have spent the evening celebrating the completion of my PhD viva.

It's been a strange day.

The viva was scheduled for 2pm (I only found out the time the day before). I didn't sleep particularly well the night before, and the hours spent before the viva were slightly tortuous. Especially when 2pm arrived, and the examiners weren't ready. I was kept waiting for half an hour being summoned.

The viva itself took three hours, which is a long time for a viva but the time flew by. I found it nerve-wracking because of the immense occasion, but I shouldn't have been worried: the external examiner said before the viva that my work was good, and on arrival in the viva room (my supervisor's office) they shook my hand and congratulated me on my work and for soldiering on with my PhD.

I can honestly say that if the same questions were asked informally I would have enjoyed the experience. As it was, the pressure made me answer badly and I wasn't happy with how it went. It was an amazing relief to have finished though and it's not all sunk in. I'm going to wait a while to let my thoughts sink in...

Goodnight all!

Dr AcidCat

Wish me luck

Hey everybody!

It's quarter to one in the morning, 13 hour until my viva. I'm scared. I was fine till yesterday, but now the nerves are getting to me.

Rationally, I know that everything is likely to be fine and I should pass but...

I'm also thrilled and grateful at the people who have wished me luck (especially my amazing ex-lab mate Pimp Daddy who rang me specially). I'm mildly disappointed at how few people have though and how many of my friends don't care/forgot.

Have been waiting for a long time for this moment. It's a rite of passage, and I think it's quite a big deal. I think I'm going to feel different after this. I want to make changes, and now is a good milestone/marker to catalyse the change.

Good luck to anyone else who needs it too.

Peace, love and luck to you all

AcidCat