Modern life is rubbish

Grr... my computer decided to throw a tantrum and stop working... just as I was starting to correct my thesis for final submission. I can't easily use other computers as it needs specialist software. I really hate Microsoft and Windows (though I must concede that WinXP is pretty good, especially compared to the other windows products). Looking forwards to reformatting and reinstalling with Linux so I might get a stable platform.

I think the computer stopped due to me taking it with me on a bit of a voyage from Loughborough down to London. I'm a bit annoyed as I wanted to spend the weekend in Loughborough just doing the corrections. I decided to come back as I was meant to meet up with some school friends. The journey looks like it killed off my computer, and my friends decided they didn't want to meet up, so was a wasted trip anyway. I'm dreaming of close, non-flaky friends: any offers?

AcidCat

Every silver lining has a cloud

My general feelings of elation and celebration came crashing down to an abrupt end.

My brother has just gone through a painful end of relationship. It scares me to see him this hurt. I've been through it, and know there's nothing I can say to help, and very little I can do.

I hate the feeling of helplessness. I really want to help. She was never worthy of him anyway, so I'm not that sad about that, but I'm so angry.

I want to make the whole world work and be right. Instead, I'm miserable and angry that the world is broken and I'm not powerful enough to fix it.

AcidCat

Viva forever

Hi everybody!

Just had a weekend to let the viva sink in fully.

The day of my viva was a fantastic day. My external examiner (whom I respect and admire) reassured me during my pre-viva stress by saying "I don't know about the other guy (internal examiner) but I've read through your thesis, and I say don't worry". It was a hell of a compliment. In addition the congratulations from him as we started the viva was a real confidence boost. Post-viva, the icing on the cake was a comment from him that he would like a copy of my thesis after I had finished my corrections so he could read through it as he was genuinely interested and wanted to chat to my boss about my work as an interested chemist and not as an examiner. Coming from such an amazingly smart and gifted scientist it made me feel so incredibly flattered. There weren't even that many corrections to do!

Other things about the day were also amazing. People who had left the group came back to say hi and celebrate with me. One of whom even took the day off from work to do so (he handed his thesis in on that day whilst there)!

My labmates threw me a fantastic post-viva party. They had bought me some amazing, incredible, generous gifts. The best of which was a framed photo frame filled with pictures of me with past and present lab mates. Made me remember the good times of the past 4 and a bit years. If that on its own wasn't enough, they also got me a huge array of other gifts, some silly and frivolous, and some very sensible and practical, but all incredibly generous and thoughtful. (Amongst which was my much appreciated group T-shirt with number 5 and "Enforcer" on it). It made me feel so stunned, and I hope I had shown my gratitude sufficiently, but am a bit worried that I was so shocked by their incredible generosity and effort that I didn't. In the unlikely event that any of you are reading this, allow me to say "Thank you. Very, very, very much".

The whole experience made me feel so mixed. It emphasised what a wonderful group of people I knew and made me feel high, but also made me feel sad that I was finally leaving, and would no longer be a part of my wonderful supervisor's amazing group.

Fortunately (in some ways) the next day, where I went in to finish my chemicals, an experience made me glad I was leaving. Jizznut, the only person in the lab who I dislike, showed his obnoxious, inconsiderate side. The group has a new PhD student who showed amazing diplomatic skills and defused the situation, but I'm glad I don't need to work in the same room as him. I think it's a real pity I didn't get a chance to work with the new PhD student however, as I think she's fantastic. My supervisor has a talent for choosing good students (with the single exception of Jizznut).

I said a goodbye to my adored supervisor. He's a person I idolise, just because he's an absolutely incredible person. He's so clever, but humble. An amazing scientist but with brilliant social skills (and artistic too). Reasonably junior, but incredibly generous. Just an amazing human being. I bought him a small gift to attempt to express my thanks to him, which he accepted it incredibly graciously and enthusiastically. He also gave me some words of wisdom, and was very humble about his input over the course of my PhD, despite the fact I don't think I could possibly have had a better supervisor. Such a great man. I hope I'm able to stay in touch with him. He said I was welcome to pop in, which was lovely.

I've been going on for ages, but I wanted to put this down, if for no other reason than a record for my own benefit. The viva experience put me on such a high, I want to capture this feeling so I can relive it.

AcidCat

Judgement day.

It's half past one in the morning, and I have spent the evening celebrating the completion of my PhD viva.

It's been a strange day.

The viva was scheduled for 2pm (I only found out the time the day before). I didn't sleep particularly well the night before, and the hours spent before the viva were slightly tortuous. Especially when 2pm arrived, and the examiners weren't ready. I was kept waiting for half an hour being summoned.

The viva itself took three hours, which is a long time for a viva but the time flew by. I found it nerve-wracking because of the immense occasion, but I shouldn't have been worried: the external examiner said before the viva that my work was good, and on arrival in the viva room (my supervisor's office) they shook my hand and congratulated me on my work and for soldiering on with my PhD.

I can honestly say that if the same questions were asked informally I would have enjoyed the experience. As it was, the pressure made me answer badly and I wasn't happy with how it went. It was an amazing relief to have finished though and it's not all sunk in. I'm going to wait a while to let my thoughts sink in...

Goodnight all!

Dr AcidCat

Wish me luck

Hey everybody!

It's quarter to one in the morning, 13 hour until my viva. I'm scared. I was fine till yesterday, but now the nerves are getting to me.

Rationally, I know that everything is likely to be fine and I should pass but...

I'm also thrilled and grateful at the people who have wished me luck (especially my amazing ex-lab mate Pimp Daddy who rang me specially). I'm mildly disappointed at how few people have though and how many of my friends don't care/forgot.

Have been waiting for a long time for this moment. It's a rite of passage, and I think it's quite a big deal. I think I'm going to feel different after this. I want to make changes, and now is a good milestone/marker to catalyse the change.

Good luck to anyone else who needs it too.

Peace, love and luck to you all

AcidCat

Holding out for a hero

Hi everybody!

When I was at the library to blog, I borrowed some comic books while I was there.

I've been drowning my misery in the tales of superheroes.

I've been addicted to the exploits of loads of superheroes. The stars of 2000AD such as Judge Dredd and the stalwarts of Marvel like Spiderman, the X-men, Iron man, Wolverine (even before the movies revived their fortunes). In particular DC comics were my drug of choice, with the stellar members of the Justice League: Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Green Lantern and the Flash.

My particular favourite was Batman.

Batman was the story of Bruce Wayne who was born into a privileged position of wealth and luxury. When he witnessed his parents gunned down in front of him, he didn't descend into self-pity and self-destruction. He didn't grow into an irresponsible, drug-snorting playboy. Instead he channeled the anger of the event and used it to fuel his determination to bring justice to the city.

I love comic books. I love the sense that the actions of a single determined individual can make a big difference to people's lives. I love the fact that these people are driven by a sense of right. I love the happy endings.

It gives me a few moments of escape from my life to a world of excitement, but more importantly a world of justice and redemption.

AcidCat

Sometimes I feel that my only friend

... is the city I live in, the city of angels - Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Under the Bridge

Hi everybody!

I felt the itching to blog. Though it isn't convenient (as I can't do it at work and I don't have an internet connection at home) the need was so strong that I left work early and walked down to the library to get a terminal.

I feel so isolated. It's a really unpleasant feeling. It just feels like I'm vanishing into the background and fading away.

There are very few people who will speak to me at my work place. Granted, I'm not the gregarious heart and soul of any party, but when you get ignored unless people want something it doesn't feel pleasant. I may as well not be there for the impact I make on anyone else (barring the amount I accomplish in terms of chemistry).

Being at work is also my main activity. On weekdays, I work my ass off. I generally get in to work between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning, and leave generally between 7 and 8:30 pm. On the plus side, as I get paid per hour, it's pretty lucrative. However, it leaves me with very little time or energy to do anything in the evenings. That's why the lack of meaningful contact with my work colleagues seems even worse.

Weekends are a bit of a welcome relief. Generally I'll spend it with members of my family: the only people in the whole world I really feel truly comfortable in the presence of. I don't need to work really hard being entertaining or struggle to just get acknowledged. They appreciate being with me just as much as I like being with them.

Last weekend was spent with a few of my old labmates. I got to have lunch with my ex-boss who is amazing and I admire greatly. However, I've got a feeling in my head that I have to be on my best behaviour to impress him so he doesn't think less of me. This is utter rubbish as he's fantastic and doesn't care what I do, but still it makes me more alert and on edge. Seeing some of my lab mates made me realise that although I had some very good times there, it is time to move on. I don't belong there: people are moving along without me, without really thinking about me, it's time for me to face the future and leave the past behind.

Time to stop there, my time on the library computer is coming to an end, and I'll hopefully be able to post at leisure this weekend anyway.

AcidCat

My heart will go on?

...and I'm back again!

Hi everybody!

So, I saw a news story yesterday on the BBC News that made me absolutely furious.

Mother denied daughter's organs - Saturday, 12 April 2008 15:00 news.bbc.co.uk
Click on the hyperlink above if you want to know more about it, but here are the salient points.

1. Mother urgently needs a kidney transplant due to diabetes induced organ failure.
2. Daughter agrees to be a living donor (i.e. donate a kidney whilst still alive).
   
3. Daughter suffers a coughing fit and dies.
4. Daughter's kidneys go to two strangers on the transplant waiting list.

To be fair, the formal process of the daughter becoming a living donor had not begun at the time of death.

However, if it were me and my organs (helpfully ignoring the fact for one moment that I would be too dead to express my view point), I would say either my relative gets the required organ, or none of my organs can be used for transplant. At all.

I think it seems fair that in exchange that the offer to help strangers with a donation of my heart, lungs, corneas, liver, pancreas and one of my kidneys, I should be able to help a loved one by deciding where one of my organs go.

I'm going to try and find a donor card (as shockingly I'm not on the organ donor list), but alter it, so that it covers this eventuality. It's going to say something along the lines of:

"I donate any of my organs, as long as any of my close family who require organs for a medical condition receive organs first. If not, I do not offer any of my organs."

I have a feeling that as the rules currently stand, then they won't accept any of my organs. I don't think that's fair at all. They will lose out badly. I think this could dent the popularity of organ donation (and they are extremely short on organs) by not seeming to be a fair system.

I understand the counter-argument that if you allow people to decide where their organs go completely you could end up with serious problems (e.g "I want my organs to only go to people of this religious group/racial group/sexual orientation), but I think this is a long way off helping your relatives first (which should give you the best chance for a successful transplant anyway, as you've got a closer tissue match).

I'm really upset and worked up about this. If anyone thinks they can convince me otherwise and change my opinion, I would be gratefulto hear the arguments. I think you'd struggle to change my mind though.

Your furiously

AcidCat

So tired of being alone

Hi everybody!

Sorry for the lack of updates. Still wrestling with absence of internet connection.

Anyway, todays post is a whinge with me feeling sorry for myself.

Even though my heartbreak happened about a year and a half ago, it still hurts. I've thought about her every day since (I thought that was just a cliche until it happened to me). Time is making it less raw, and the occasional dream is helping me to deal with it (mainly by making me think about it despite my not wanting to. I believe in the healing power of dreams**). It's still knocked me sideways, and stripped out my confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes I can hide it for a bit and play the extrovert for a short while, but I've retreated into a protective shell, where things can't hurt me.

I've concentrated on getting my work life where I want it, as it's something I actually have some control over, as it relies less on other people, and more on myself. I've tried to find a career that will be satisfying and I can thrown myself into (hence my plans to start medical training) so I can cope with being alone, possibly for the rest of my life.

However, yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from a while back. She was one of the people who really helped me through when it all went wrong two Septembers ago. We just met to catch up as I hadn't seen her for over a year, and she and I were vaguely in the area.

I had a fab time with her. Problem is, it made me realise that no matter how satisfying the career, I don't think I can be alone forever.

I really like her. She's funny, cool, kind, interesting, outgoing, special, unique, pretty and just all round amazing. Sadly, she's totally out of my league, and I'm reasonably certain not even remotely interested in me. (It's still cool to be her friend anyway). But just an afternoon of wandering around chatting, looking at art that I'm normally not the slightest bit interested in and just wasting time over coffee made me realise how much I miss that companionship with an amazing person that I can look up to.

I think until I sort out my self-esteem and confidence issues though, I don't think I'll ever find anyone at all.

And on that slightly melancholy note, good bye everybody

AcidCat


** Dreams are amazing things. When you're put through a trauma your subconscious seems to try and help you via your dream state with what you need to get better in the long run, which doesn't necessarily coincide with what you want or need in the short term. When I first got dumped and was in the lowest state in my entire life, I kept having dreams that it hadn't happened. It meant that for an hour or two every so often I was actually happy and at peace (this coincided with my insomnia, so even my subconscious couldn't keep up a facade that long). After a bit, they turned to dreams without her in them which gave me the space to start getting over it all. Recently I had one where she was in my dream, (I had met up with her for some reason), and but I knew it was over, and she kept mentioning it (despite me constantly telling her not to). I think it signalled acceptance.

What I don't think dreams are any more are signs. At first post-split, with the dreams where everything was fine, I thought (or hoped) that it was a sign that things would be fine. Apparently it's common for people post-bereavement to dream about their lost loved ones. I don't actually think it's a message from beyond or anything like that. Just treat it as a happy memory. A dream.

Clocks go flying at the speed of sound

Hi everyone!

Daylight saving time is fantastic!

British summer time started yesterday. The clocks went forward one hour.

Without the change, sunrise would be at 5:39 am and sunset at 6:30 pm
With daylight saving time, sunrise is 6:39am, and sunset 7:29pm.

So for everyone who gets up at civilised times of day, we get an extra hour of sunlight!

Anyone who moans about the loss of an hour of sleep, I think the trade off where get an hour extra sunlight a day all summer long is a fair swap. And you'll get your extra hour of sleep later on in the year.

Enjoy your busy sunny days!

AcidCat

Happy Easter!

Hi everybody!

Happy Easter to you all!

Easter - A time to celebrate rebirth, whether you believe in the resurrection, or the start of spring and the new start of growth in nature. I've finally completed my thesis, and it feels like my life is about to begin again. All the challenges and struggles of the past few years is about to come to an end and I'm going to be able to start all the new excitement of the future and a new chapter of my life.

I'm doing everything I can to forget the past so it can't hurt me any more, and look to the future as optimistically as possible.

Let's go!

AcidCat

I love my car!

Hi everybody!

I drive a brownish-purple 1999 Fiat Punto. Recently it's been living up to the old joke:

What does FIAT stand for?

Fix it again tomorrow.

(Hey, I never claimed it was a funny joke).

Anyway, in the past month and a half, I have had to replace:

• Both rear shock absorbers (so badly worn that there was a banging noise from the back of the car, and the mechanics said not to corner too quickly before I could get them replaced, or I might slide off the road backwards).
  
• Oil sump (Rusted through, mechanics didn't know how long it would hold on for).
• Mid to rear section of exhaust (Actually fell off on the motorway, and was dragging along the floor. Breakdown guy turned up, and just ripped it out, saying "that'll get you home". It did indeed work fine, but I felt a bit like a chav driving home with the noisy exhaust).

Total bill so far: about £700.

This week, it suffered a serious fault. It became really hard to start. It stalled when I stopped at traffic lights (which was pretty embarrassing with the difficulties in restarting it). The power supply was irregular, so it lurched along the road as I drove. Basically it was really dangerous, so I took it back to the dealer ASAP. After about £200 worth of diagnostic checks, they worked out it was the fuel injection, the casing had cracked, and there were problems inside. Quite a major job for fixing, so I had to leave it with them. I had to travel from near London to Loughborough by train.

I'm a bit of a tree-hugging hippie. I recycle as much as possible, bring my fruit and veg waste home from Loughborough to compost it. I do my utmost to save energy, reduce my water usage and so on.

However, two train journeys from near London to Loughborough have been enough to swear off public transport if at all possible.

Firstly the price: My Punto is pretty fuel efficient, and does the two hundred mile round trip to Loughborough and back for about £20 worth of petrol. The cheapest return ticket by train was double that, at £40, which had restrictions on when I could travel, and forbade me from going via London.

Secondly: convenience. Bringing stuff up by car is significantly easier than carrying it on the train. The train journey requires at least two changes, and takes from two and a half to four hours to make it. There was only one train per hour. Having to change so many times required the trains to actually arrive on time. One of the legs ended up being a rail replacement coach (despite my checking everything was fine just before travelling), and so it was a close run thing. By comparison, my car journey: two hours door-to-door, sticking to the speed limit, and despite the roadworks on the M1, keeping the speed down to 50 mph. I can also travel whenever I want, unlike my return train journey, trying to catch the 6:25 am train, the station was half closed, so the usual entrance was closed, so I had to find the back entrance, and I missed the train by thirty seconds, so ended up having an hour wait.

These are pretty big advantages to my car. The only advantage I could think of with the train was the ability to sleep on the journey. This was somewhat nullified when I overslept on my way home, missed my stop (arriving in London), which extended my journey by an extra hour and cost me an extra £7.50.

This is why, despite my ethical belief that we should do our utmost to save the environment, I am thrilled to have my car back. I'm just about to go to Loughborough, and am glad that I'll be able to do it in two hours with my music playing, in comfort and no stress, setting off when I can. I feel a tiny bit guilty about my carbon footprint, but when the disadvantages of train transport are so huge, I don't feel guilty for long.

I still think we should use public transport where possible, but the rail system (as it currently stands) is an expensive, inconvenient, over-priced joke. I blame privatisation (being too young to really remember the days of British Rail), and yearn for the efficient train networks of Switzerland or Germany which are amazing value for money. If the trains here were as clean, efficient, reliable and inexpensive as those in Europe, train travel would be a more tempting option, and perhaps we wouldn't have to be taxed and congestion charged out of our cars?

AcidCat

Since the last episode...

Hi everybody!

As both of my readers may have noticed, I haven't posted for ages. This has mainly been due to my starting a new job, whilst trying to finish off a PhD thesis in the evenings and weekends, and sorting out everything that applying for a place to read graduate medicine entails (such as interviews, vaccinations and volunteering at a hospice), and partly due to my not having an internet connection at home, so posting requires me doing it from work, or using the WiFi connection down the pub. I've finally got a first draft of my thesis (yay!), which I hope will be winging its way to the examiners on Monday courtesy of DHL, so hopefully I will have time to post occasionally. And maybe even have a chance to go to sleep sometimes (the past few months have been a bit tough).

Anyway, as I haven't posted for a while, here is a whistle-stop recap of what I've been up to since Xmas.

• I've started a temporary 6 month job as a process chemist at a major pharmaceutical company in Loughborough.
  

It's really good fun and I am loving it. It is a really refreshing change to my PhD, where the chemistry didn't work, and it was a real hard slog, which made me feel like I didn't know anything. By contrast, this has rebuilt my chemistry confidence as I've had a lot of stuff work, and a fair amount of that success has been due to my research. Not all of it worked, but the difference in industry is that if it really doesn't work, you abandon it and look for an alternative. Not to mention that it's really well paid (for my student-mentality standards anyway). I liked it so much that I applied for jobs doing it permanently, including one where I have the temporary contract. Sadly not long before I was due to be called for interview at my workplace, there were global layoffs of 500 research staff - net result, freeze on hiring. No jobs. Oh well. At least I'm enjoying it now, and have a few more months to try and do something good and hopefully lasting.

• I've moved into a new flat

I have a little studio flat in Loughborough. It's recently been done up, so is all shiny and lovely, with polished, laminate flooring, washer-dryer, dishwasher and a double bed that falls into the wall (just as well, because if it didn't, the room would be pretty tiny). It's gated, and even got parking. It's so lovely! It's not expensive by southern standards of anywhere in the south-east. Only downside is that it doesn't have internet or a phone line, and I was quoted £150 to get it connected. Which would be a bit steep bearing in mind I'm only there for five months (should have been six, but the credit checking people messed me around, so my contract is shifted by a month, so I'll probably end up paying rent for a month I won't be living there. Sigh).

On which note, if you're looking for a letting agent in Loughborough, Aidan J Reed were excellent (who showed me around 3 houses, including my current residence), but the other two; Belvoir and Hartley Estates were laughably bad. Belvoir showed me round two properties: one was quite nice, but still being built and very overpriced, and the other was so bad that it looked like a squat. It was embarassingly bad. The guy from Harley Estates turned up, didn't care, showed me round a tiny overpriced room and was damn rude. Rant over. Anyway, I love my flat, but hate all the admin associated with moving into a new flat. Like council tax. Don't mind paying it, just hate all the paperwork.

• I've been accepted to study medicine!

Current status: one uni - rejection without interview, one uni - interviews for 4 and 5 year courses - awaiting offer, final uni - offer conditional on my finishing my PhD before the course starts! Pleasingly, that's my first choice university anyway. As it looks like no-one in the pharmaceutical industry feels like offering me a job, it makes my decision easy. It looks like I'll be off to learn to slice'n'dice people up in September! Which is really exciting!

I think these were the major bits of update that were needed so I'll round off this post here. Hope to see you soon!

AcidCat

Happy days

Hi everybody!
A slow news day yesterday caused reporting on a study by a moron who thinks that yesterday was "mathematically proven to be the most depressing day of the year". This was meant to be due to all sorts of factors like the amount of light, the length of time till the next holiday, christmas debts etc.

I hate this guy's use of the word "depression" to describe this fad, and the pseudo-science that let this muppet get his 5 minutes of fame.

Anyway, today was a good day. First reaction at my new job that even remotely worked. My new computer at work arrived, so I've got a computer that actually works at a reasonable speed. My old laptop at work had 256 megabytes of RAM, but at rest (running Windows 2000 professional), even without any programs open, uses over 300 megs of RAM. My new computer has a gigabyte of RAM! I can actually run programs without everything grinding to a halt!

I woke up and my car was covered with a thick layer of ice. It was a real struggle to even open the door, and was chipping away at ice to clear the windows for 15 minutes.

It didn't matter. Today was a good day.

I don't know how much is due to life, and how much is due to the Prozac, but things are good.

I'm exhausted (my only bad side-effect from the anti-depressants) and I'm behind on the university work, but life is good.

Love
AcidCat

First post of 2008

So, bit of a backlog.

Haven't had much time to post anything.

Have moved up north (Loughborough) to start a new job. Started looking for a flat 3 days before I had to move in. Would have curled up in the fetal position and quit had it not been for my fab brother who sorted out that stress for me. Am currently living in temporary accommodation before I move into a swish new studio flat. Problem is I need guarantors so more paper-work = more delays. Was due to move in tomorrow, isn't going to happen.

New work is ok, but haven't had a chance to start due to inductions/safety lectures. It's taken about a week, but I'm due to start some work next week, which I'm looking forward to.

Had another med school interview. Started badly, but picked up. Only problem at the end was I started rabbiting on too much so we ended up running over time.

That'll have to do for the time being. Am applying for a permanent job where I'm doing temporary work, and application is due tomorrow, but I need to get it done within the next few hours as I'm going to spend this evening driving back, and tomorrow in a solid training lecture. Fun...

Happy 2008 to us all. Hope it's a good one.
AcidCat

Happy new year

Hi everyone.

Last post of 2007.

I made it through alive.

I'm having a quiet evening in. Subjecting my long-suffering parents and kind brother with my presence.

To all of you who are not having a riotous new year party, I'm thinking of you.

Happy new year to everyone. Let's hope 2008 is better for everyone.

Love
AcidCat

Merry Xmas

Dear everyone.

Merry Xmas to you all.

Christmas. Overhyped. Expensive. Stressful. Boring. Depressing.

However, at christmas time, it's a time for family. A time for thinking of friends and the less material things. A chance for relaxation and boredom. A chance to stop and take stock of life and thinking about philosophy and the meaning of it all.

I do like it. Sod gifts. Be with people you love. Use it as a chance to tell people what they mean to you.

Good luck one and all with the Xmas period.

Love
AcidCat

Aargh!

Can't think.

Too many short thoughts.

• My boss is amazing. He spent (at a guess) around £200 on drinks for our group Xmas dinner.
• Some of my group are ungrateful bastards who complained that he didn't pay for dinner on top of that! He's not earning huge amounts either. He's one of the nicest, most interesting, fascinating, cool, intelligent, patient people in the universe and he's underappreciated.
  
• The group has moved on so quickly. I'm an outsider again. Another place I don't fit in.
• The friends I had in the group are still wonderful. One of them (Cap'n A) bought me a Secret Santa gift even though I wasn't in on it (as I was a last minute invite) so I wouldn't be left out.
  
• My family are awesome.
• Depression is really terrible. Mornings are like moving through treacle whilst being stabbed in the heart.
  
• Can't wait for my GP appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping that it'll all be alright in the end.
• I feel like I'm falling. I'm grabbing and scrabbling for a handhold, grasping at branches and straws, but each gives way from under me, not slowing my descent. When will some one catch me?

AcidCat

First interview

Had first med interview at QMB today. I turned up hideously early and ended up waiting around for ages.

Actual interview went well. The questions on the video consultation with the GP I think I noticed the things I was meant to. The general doctor questions went well too. The work experience section is my weakest so that went about as well as could be hoped.

I'm particularly pleased at how well that went bearing in mind I've been suffering from horrible depression for over a week now, and yesterday had the worst allergic reaction to some prawns where I got an all-over rash, diarrhoea, nausea and headache so wasn't the most ideal preparation. Coupled with the insomnia and all round things weren't ideal.

Things were helped by the wonderful support of my mum who's been looking after me for my current low and my lovely sister who came back to give me a pre-interview pep-talk and took me for dinner afterwards. I also met a fab fellow applicant on the tour afterwards, who was really lovely.

AcidCat

Rain down, rain down, come on rain down on me.

Depressed again.

Back on Prozac for the past 3 days. Not helping.

Feel like crying but I can't.

Stressed.

Can't work.

Busy.

Need to get this thesis done.

Got med school interviews, but don't know whether I should try and read medicine or not any more.

Don't know if that's just the depression talking, or reality.

Hate being miserable.

God I hate life.

AcidCat