Sometimes I feel that my only friend

... is the city I live in, the city of angels - Red Hot Chilli Peppers: Under the Bridge

Hi everybody!

I felt the itching to blog. Though it isn't convenient (as I can't do it at work and I don't have an internet connection at home) the need was so strong that I left work early and walked down to the library to get a terminal.

I feel so isolated. It's a really unpleasant feeling. It just feels like I'm vanishing into the background and fading away.

There are very few people who will speak to me at my work place. Granted, I'm not the gregarious heart and soul of any party, but when you get ignored unless people want something it doesn't feel pleasant. I may as well not be there for the impact I make on anyone else (barring the amount I accomplish in terms of chemistry).

Being at work is also my main activity. On weekdays, I work my ass off. I generally get in to work between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning, and leave generally between 7 and 8:30 pm. On the plus side, as I get paid per hour, it's pretty lucrative. However, it leaves me with very little time or energy to do anything in the evenings. That's why the lack of meaningful contact with my work colleagues seems even worse.

Weekends are a bit of a welcome relief. Generally I'll spend it with members of my family: the only people in the whole world I really feel truly comfortable in the presence of. I don't need to work really hard being entertaining or struggle to just get acknowledged. They appreciate being with me just as much as I like being with them.

Last weekend was spent with a few of my old labmates. I got to have lunch with my ex-boss who is amazing and I admire greatly. However, I've got a feeling in my head that I have to be on my best behaviour to impress him so he doesn't think less of me. This is utter rubbish as he's fantastic and doesn't care what I do, but still it makes me more alert and on edge. Seeing some of my lab mates made me realise that although I had some very good times there, it is time to move on. I don't belong there: people are moving along without me, without really thinking about me, it's time for me to face the future and leave the past behind.

Time to stop there, my time on the library computer is coming to an end, and I'll hopefully be able to post at leisure this weekend anyway.

AcidCat