So tired of being alone

Hi everybody!

Sorry for the lack of updates. Still wrestling with absence of internet connection.

Anyway, todays post is a whinge with me feeling sorry for myself.

Even though my heartbreak happened about a year and a half ago, it still hurts. I've thought about her every day since (I thought that was just a cliche until it happened to me). Time is making it less raw, and the occasional dream is helping me to deal with it (mainly by making me think about it despite my not wanting to. I believe in the healing power of dreams**). It's still knocked me sideways, and stripped out my confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes I can hide it for a bit and play the extrovert for a short while, but I've retreated into a protective shell, where things can't hurt me.

I've concentrated on getting my work life where I want it, as it's something I actually have some control over, as it relies less on other people, and more on myself. I've tried to find a career that will be satisfying and I can thrown myself into (hence my plans to start medical training) so I can cope with being alone, possibly for the rest of my life.

However, yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from a while back. She was one of the people who really helped me through when it all went wrong two Septembers ago. We just met to catch up as I hadn't seen her for over a year, and she and I were vaguely in the area.

I had a fab time with her. Problem is, it made me realise that no matter how satisfying the career, I don't think I can be alone forever.

I really like her. She's funny, cool, kind, interesting, outgoing, special, unique, pretty and just all round amazing. Sadly, she's totally out of my league, and I'm reasonably certain not even remotely interested in me. (It's still cool to be her friend anyway). But just an afternoon of wandering around chatting, looking at art that I'm normally not the slightest bit interested in and just wasting time over coffee made me realise how much I miss that companionship with an amazing person that I can look up to.

I think until I sort out my self-esteem and confidence issues though, I don't think I'll ever find anyone at all.

And on that slightly melancholy note, good bye everybody

AcidCat


** Dreams are amazing things. When you're put through a trauma your subconscious seems to try and help you via your dream state with what you need to get better in the long run, which doesn't necessarily coincide with what you want or need in the short term. When I first got dumped and was in the lowest state in my entire life, I kept having dreams that it hadn't happened. It meant that for an hour or two every so often I was actually happy and at peace (this coincided with my insomnia, so even my subconscious couldn't keep up a facade that long). After a bit, they turned to dreams without her in them which gave me the space to start getting over it all. Recently I had one where she was in my dream, (I had met up with her for some reason), and but I knew it was over, and she kept mentioning it (despite me constantly telling her not to). I think it signalled acceptance.

What I don't think dreams are any more are signs. At first post-split, with the dreams where everything was fine, I thought (or hoped) that it was a sign that things would be fine. Apparently it's common for people post-bereavement to dream about their lost loved ones. I don't actually think it's a message from beyond or anything like that. Just treat it as a happy memory. A dream.