Compliments

Just been reading Stephen Fry's excellent blog (or blessay as each post is much more akin to an essay on a particular subject) and found a post on fame particularly interesting. It includes a section on aspects of his fame, and the section on receiving compliments struck a chord. I don't receive compliments often, but when I do, shyness and modesty make me contradict any compliments as I don't know how to accept them. Having read through his thoughtful essay I realise that it's completely the wrong thing to do. I've included the section below (without permission, but please don't sue me) as it really made me appreciate how wrong it is, and I'd better work at gracefully accepting the compliment.

AcidCat

Compliments
The entire interaction works better if there’s a little understanding on each side. You might be the fortieth person that day to approach your sleb. They might have just heard that their favourite aunt has been diagnosed with cancer. On the other hand, the famous person should remember that it takes courage to approach a stranger, especially one you’ve only seen on TV or at the movies. They could so easily squash you. Many newly made slebs fall down especially in the area of compliments. It’s perhaps a very English thing to find it hard to accept kind words about oneself. If anyone praised me in my early days as a comedy performer I would say, “Oh, nonsense. Shut up. No really, I was dreadful.” I remember going through this red-faced shuffle in the presence of the mighty John Cleese who upbraided me the moment we were alone.
‘You genuinely think you’re being polite and modest, don’t you?’
‘Well, you know …’
‘Don’t you see that when someone hears their compliments contradicted they naturally assume that you must think them a fool? Suppose you went up to a pianist after a recital and told him how much you had enjoyed his performance and he replied, “rubbish, I was awful!” You would go away thinking you were a poor judge of musicianship and that he thought you an idiot.’
‘Yes, but I can’t agree with someone if they praise me, that would sound so cocky. And anyway, suppose I do think I was awful?’ (which most of the time performers do think of themselves, of course.)
‘It’s so simple. You just say thank you. You just thank them. How hard is that?’
You must think me the completest kind of arse to have needed to be told how to take a compliment, but it was an important lesson that I (clearly) never forgot. So bound up with not wanting to look smug and pleased with ourselves are we that we forget how mortifying it is to have compliments thrown back in one’s face.

Lost in space without you

I'm feeling lost at the moment. I had quite a good weekend away in Oxford, and saw some lovely friends, but depression is hitting me quite hard, so I feel like I'm floating. Everything is really changing. One of my best friends (Pimp Daddy) in the group is leaving this week, there's a new intake of students. The dynamic is all mixed up.

I'm all confused so I'm going to bullet point to put my thoughts in order.

• I really relate to something Stephen Fry said when he talked about his manic depression in his documentary "The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive".

Here is one of the most gifted, intelligent, witty polymaths who I really look up to and idolise, and he said something along the lines of "I'm a totally worthless bastard" when talking about how he felt in a bout of depression. He then said he tended to hide away until it passed if he could.

Now I don't really have the arrogance or belief to even begin to compare myself against such a titan, but I feel exactly the same way. I don't know how I'm going to achieve anything worthwhile, and feel like my life is slipping me by. I'd love to hide away and hibernate, but I don't have time to and that's giving me huge stress and guilt.

• I got an interview for a temporary chemical research job.
  

Now this should be a good thing, especially as I looked at my CV and research summary I sent them at the time and thought that it looked pathetic. However, I'm due to go there on Monday and give a talk I haven't written and answer questions I feel I won't know the answers to. My wonderful boss and the great friend who's leaving both gave me pep talks and gave me as much help as they could, but I'm wondering who I'm kidding. I don't feel employable, short of dead end pointless jobs like burger-flipping, or lab tech positions I'd be overqualified for.

• I'm starting to get cold feet about applying for medicine.

Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I just doing it to delay getting a job that I don't think I'm capable of getting? Am I good enough to manage it? Am I just looking at the glamorous aspects of it? I'm so scared.

• Will I ever get this thesis finished? And pass? Will I let my boss down?

I'm spending far too much time procrastinating, and I just feel so dumb.

All of these bullets so far seem to be all related to this depression and the niggling self-doubt that reigns. I'm desperately trying to overcome them, and writing this all down have helped make them seem like smaller issues, but it isn't easy. Tomorrow will be a new start.

• I have some great friends

The first optimistic bullet. My amazing boss who gave me a hell of a pep talk about jobs, thesis, me and is an amazingly nice guy. Pimp Daddy (off to great things at a chemical company) gave me so much support over his time in the lab and who frequently bent over backwards to help me. RingLeader who is one of few people who I feel actually is pleased to see me when I turn up. The wonderful girls I've talked about in the past who keep picking me up and putting me back on my feet without even knowing it. Sometimes it's just an email or a lovely comment, but it can mean everything. The Crazy Italian who has an image of me that I can't live up to, but it's still flattering.

Only downside is that I'm not worthy of these people (or maybe that's the depression talking). I was talking to someone this weekend and commenting about how it felt when you have erudite and witty friends and all their tales are exciting and your topics or way of telling the stories just doesn't match up.

Also most of my other friends don't really care about me. They're good people, but I only rate one iota higher than acquaintances to most of them.

• I have an amazing family

They are all fab, but this weekend my brother and sister in particular showed they'd bend over backwards to help me and they care about me and that counts for a hell of a lot in this world and in my mind. I would go through fire to help these people. Literally if I had to.

• Tai Chi people are nice

I wonder if it's coincidence, or it's just the people, or it's my view, but the people doing Tai Chi at Oxford just seem really nice, and some of them I'd only known for minutes, but the talking at the pub seemed to flow much easier than with most people. There was no hostility or one-upmanship, it was just friendly banter. I wonder if it's because it's a pretty peaceful non-competitive discipline which is partly spiritual.

I don't think it's just me, because I wasn't so receptive to all the new people I met at my work place. Our new PhD student is amazingly lovely, she's so kind and she's a very welcome addition to the group and I'm just sad I haven't had the chance to get to know her better. The new undergraduates didn't do as much for me as the Tai Chi peeps though. The Crazy Italian had managed to suss that out faster than me. RingLeader's new protege did make me laugh though, he's either going to drive Ringleader mad or become his best friend.

Anyway, that's it for today. I'm feeling a bit better for all this so I'm off to bed happier.

Goodnight all!

AcidCat

It's a cold and it's a lonely Hallelujah

I sent an email to a friend asking for her advice. It's an area of expertise for her so she was the logical person to ask. She's a wonderful person who helped me a year ago.

She sent me back a really helpful email, which gave me lots of helpful hints.

Problem is, I've spent the last age just Googling her name in a disturbing stalkerish way. Luckily it's not "Jane Smith", and it only came up with about 5 pages of results, but I didn't realise quite how she affects me. I don't stand a chance with her (story of my life), but it blows a hole through my delusion that I'm going to be satisfied with living my life alone and devoting myself to intellectual pursuits. I'd love to have her as part of my life. She's so fun and wonderful.

Never mind, I'm going to have a fun weekend away from the old thesis. I've got a new exciting phone on a very cheap contract (it's amazing how much of an improved offer you get when you're in the process of ending your contract - I got a 75% reduction on mine) and it's currently charging. It's a swish Sony Walkman w610i phone (it's probably old hat, but bearing in mind it's free and I'm paying virtually nothing for my contract, I'm very happy with it) and am looking forward to playing around with it tomorrow!

It's going to be a great weekend!

AcidCat

PS Good luck England in the rugby world cup final! I've never been much of a rugby fan (bad experience at school and I never really understood the game). I never even watched the 2003 world cup victory. However, my brother tried to get me interested in the game and we watched the semi-final against France last weekend (which the French seemed to dominate in my view, and the final few minutes of injury time showed how exciting the French were and it was a nail-biter) which I enjoyed. I also love a few things about rugby over my preferred football (the players seem nicer, they give the ref respect, and the fans are much better, cultured, sportsmanlike and less hooligan like) so I might even deign to watch the final. I wish I liked rugby more; if the head ruled the heart I'd admit it's better than football in many ways, but I've enjoyed playing football so it's king for me.

PPS I've managed to keep on top of the depression so far... Winter is drawing in though...

Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)

The song "Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann (of Moulin Rouge, Romeo and Juliet and Strictly Ballroom fame) makes me feel sad, hopeful, happy, grounded.

A wonderful song.

It's based on an article by Mary Schmich from the Chicago Tribune.

Uplifting words and song.

AcidCat


Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted On The Young

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

• Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
• Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
• Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
• Do one thing every day that scares you.
• Sing.
• Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
• Floss.
• Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
• Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
• Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
• Stretch.
• Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
• Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
• Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
• Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
• Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
• Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
• Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
• Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
• Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
• Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
• Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
• Travel.
• Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
• Respect your elders.
• Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
• Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
• Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

--Mary Schmich

Battle it

"To know that one life has breathed easier because I have lived: this is to have succeeded."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm really in trouble. I'm really depressed. Fighting it is so damn hard. It's such a struggle to do anything, just the motivation to get up needs a battle every morning.

Need to stay focussed. Find glimmers of hope and perspective. I get mood swings so frequently. I can feel useless, and within hours have the resolve to achieve, then be back to futility.

I must keep going, but it feels so hard. I feel so alone.

I wish I had Faith, but I tried and I don't think I can Believe.

I finally understand the cliche that "everyone needs something to believe in".

I've got to do it.


AcidCat

No Happy Ending

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walking around
If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

-- Mika - Happy Ending

I've been depressed for the past few days and it's so frustrating. I can't get out of bed, I'm procrastinating worse than normal. It's time to hunt down the last few tabs of Prozac, I really need them.

Hoping for a better tomorrow

AcidCat

PS This Mika video really is worth seeing. I didn't like it at first (or the song) but give it a chance. It actually speaks to me so strongly, the words and tune are beautiful and actually have meaning but yet is catchy. The video makes me feel like there's hope. I need a balloon to lift me up to space, to float with the clouds and give me freedom.

Freedom from stress.
Freedom from sorrow.
Freedom from myself.