Perspective

If you're feeling miserable, small events can really change how you feel

• Like friends taking time out of a party to come knocking on your door to say hi and making sure you're alright. (Thanks M--- and M-- L---)
• Or an unexpected gift. (Thanks to my SSC supervisor M---- {I've been really lucky with good supervisors})
• Or having a enjoying having chat with a friend who seems pleased to see you (Thanks K--)
• Or getting helpful emails from my family (Thanks mum and sis)
• Or receiving any flavour of communication from someone you really love (~R xxx)
  
• Or even, hearing about people who really have things to be upset about. (I'm really sorry to hear your bad news S-----, my thoughts at the moment are with you and your family)

It's time for me to be more balanced. I still don't feel like socialising so will spend quite a lot of the near future on my own avoiding most people, but have to appreciate how lucky I am.

AcidCat

She loves me...

I've spent the last few days wondering if she loves me or not. I'm a bit paranoid because I got dumped last time after my ex went on a long summer holiday. Also, I really like ~R, so I really don't want it to come to an end. Luckily she sent me a little email today saying that she misses me and would like to hear my voice, so it's putting my mind at rest quite a bit. I really want to tell her I love her and miss her loads, but I understand there are "rules" that you don't come on too strong, so I'll wait for the time being.

In other news, I spent Saturday with my friend T---- and his two sisters (who are also both lovely) and went to see a comedian called Rhys Darby, who is apparently one of the actors in "Flight of the Conchords". It was a bit mixed, but it was a fun evening out (must admit that I preferred the comedian who was his support act). Went to a japanese restaurant called "Hare and Tortoise" near Russell Square tube station which was ok, but very good for the cheap price.

Sunday was spent hanging out with one of my post-docs from my PhD days called L---, who has recently moved to London. He's a lovely guy and I don't see him often enough, I don't think I've seen him for about a year. Anyway, we went to the Imperial War Museum, had crispy pork in Chinatown and walked round St. James' Park, giving us plenty of time to catch up.

It's been a good weekend. Except for receiving a letter from the evil people from NHS bursary who either ignored/missed my PhD funding, or are not allowing it as part of my self-support status. Either way, it's annoying and it's more admin for me to have to do... Grrr...

AcidCat

PhD Graduation

I had my PhD graduation yesterday... It was a slightly anti-climactic occasion, but it was a nice way to draw a line under one section of my life.

I think this would be a good opportunity to do an awards-ceremony-style thank you list. Technically, I put one of those at the front of my thesis, but that was a formal one where I had to thank certain people and couldn't really be as honest and open as I would have liked. So here is an alternative acknowledgements page:

Firstly and foremost, thanks so much to Jon: my amazingly incredible supervisor. I couldn't really say how fantastic he is in my thesis - but then again, I don't think I have the words to say how brilliant he is anyway. He was an amazing person to work for: someone who genuinely cares about the wellbeing of his students, is incredibly intelligent, enthusiastic, patient; appreciates that we are human and need a life outside of the subject. Jon is incredible and I admire him greatly. I'm really grateful for him allowing me to work in his group.

I'm also really grateful to my industrial supervisor, Jan, who is really intelligent and gave me some really good ideas during the project. He actually spent time thinking about my work and how he could help me - more than most people in his situation do. He also looked after me very well while I was working in the industrial labs.

On that note - I'm really indebted to Merck, who helped to very generously fund my PhD, and also the EPSRC who also chipped in.

Thanks to my group members who have been a lot of fun to work with and who helped me through the tough times: chemistry and real-life. In particular in Jon's group: Dave, Simon, Luke, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Stuey, Ben and M---- (Sorry M----, but your name is just a bit too rare and would remove the anonymity). Also thanks to those of you who I've been lucky enough to share a lab with who have been fun and supportive to be around, especially: Ryan, Seb, Mell, Frankie, Stu and Filipa.

I suppose I ought to thank my ex, M--. She was supportive at the start, but to be honest she did far more damage to my PhD era at the end, so the two things cancel each other out. Well, thank you for the good times anyway.

On that note, thanks to all of you who helped pick me up when I fell (those darkest days). In particular, that would be my family, Jon, Luke, Simon, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Bren, Chris, Dave, Del, Chris and many, many more people. (Special thanks to you Wil and 'Chelle, for being there when I was literally alone in SF. You are possibly the kindest people I've met in the world - ever). But most of all, thank you Joolz. I really needed you, and you were always there. Thank you. I think I may have taken advantage of you a bit - I had fallen out of contact with you before hand, and we've drifted apart since - but you were always there, giving me time, listening to my tear-stained late-night phone calls. I can't thank you enough. Really.

The biggest thank you to my family though: that's you mum, dad, B---- and W--. You've always been there for me, unfailingly, unquestioningly, reliably. The one constant that I know I can rely on, always. Thank you - again, I can't say in words what you mean to me, it would sound hollow and wouldn't do you justice anyway. You're all the best.

And thanks to any of you who I haven't given an individual shout out to. You have made a big impact on my time during my PhD - I'm just having a brain melt. Thank you. I appreciate what you've done.

And on that self-indulgent note, thank you and good night!

AcidCat

What a difference a weekend makes

I've gone from despair on Friday to feeling happy and content today. I missed out on an ebay auction I wanted by about £10 (a rather nice skeleton - I decided £100 was my limit), but I don't mind.

Had dinner with ~R and J---, then spent the evening with ~R trying to work. Wasn't super productive, but was more fun.

AcidCat

Don't worry, be happy

As you might have guessed from my previous blog post today, I haven't been a happy bunny. I had a little nap after posting which made things a bit better, but was still angry and miserable. I've stomped around feeling withdrawn and been polite to my flatmates but nothing more sociable, despite their best efforts when I went into the kitchen.

Work was failing. I decided to cut my losses and go to the gym, hoping to exercise out some of my sadness and negative feelings. Annoyingly, the punchbag was being used, so I was limited to working on cardio. It helped a bit, I felt that things were a bit more in perspective - but I was still fed up.

But then, when I came home, I found this stuck to my door:



I don't know who's responsible (I'm pretty sure J-- was involved, and possibly E---- and L---) but it gave me a huge lift. It's so good to know people care. I was thinking really uncharitable thoughts about several of my flatmates recently, so this has really shown me something different.

I've left it pinned to my door for the time being, but I may move it to somewhere I can see it more often. It's wonderful.

Thanks very much guys. I needed that badly. I'm not feeling great, but I feel that I can cope.

AcidCat

:-(

I'm feeling really low.

After a tedious group presentation that I did most of the work for (but will get the same mark as my co-workers) and a pretty long shitty day, walking home with ~R made me seriously sad.

Yesterday, she went to visit one of her friends from her last degree who recommended that ~R dump me.

Basically, ~R feels that I like her a lot more than she likes me (which I think is probably true). She stuck the proviso in that she might like me more in the future, and that we should just see how things go. I don't know if this is really a reason for us to go our separate ways...

Anyway, I'm left feeling a bit confused and like I'm receiving mixed messages. She kissed me on the way back afterwards.

Damn. And just when I was starting to feel happy and that life was going my way. I'd even stopped taking Prozac for the past few days because I was feeling over the moon.

I think part of what pisses me off is that someone I've never met is encouraging ~R to dump me. I've been waiting for something like this to happen, so tried to treat all my time with ~R as a bonus, but I'm greedy: I've got a taste for it and I want more.

Damn.

AcidCat

Life's a beach

Another one of those amazing days.

Three day weekend stretching out ahead of me. Beautiful sun streaming down. Waking up refreshed from a good night's sleep.

Shortly after waking, I got a phone call from ~R asking whether I'd like to join her, her flatmate J--- and J---- who were driving to the seaside in Brighton. I was packed and ready by 11.

J--- drove us down in her beautiful Alfa Romeo. It was lovely to be leaving Tooting for the countryside. Sitting in the glorious sun next to ~R helped add to the occasion. Poor J--- had to put up with periods of horrible traffic for the bank holiday weekend, especially when we got near Brighton and looked for parking.

Lunch was at an Italian bistro called Opposition. It was pretty iffy with very bad service, but was cheap.

The day was lovely. We went to the seaside, but it was stony and freezing, so we didn't stay and we didn't even go for a paddle. A day of fun in the sun. We went to the park, wandered around the town listening to street music, went for afternoon tea and just generally had fun. I fell asleep on the drive back, which is probably for the best as it stopped me from staring at ~R quite as much. She noticed me "mooning" her and I think it freaked her out as it was (mooning as in staring, not mooning as in pointing my bottom at her). J--- was awesome, it was so incredibly kind of her to drive us around all day.

We spent the evening around J----'s drinking tea and gossiping. Then dinnertime arrived and J---- offered to feed us! We all chipped in with ingredients and helped with cooking till we had a delicious dinner of spring rolls, stir-fried prawn noodles, stir-fried vegetables with garlic and ginger (cooked by ~R who is every bit as good a cook as she says) and jasmine tea. We hung out till gone 11, where people started to wilt, so we went back to our respective flats. I came to ~R and J---'s flat to help carry some of ~R's cups (in reality I think ~R and J--- had enough hands between them).

J--- went to bed, and ~R and I kissed. She has the most soft, warm, enveloping lips, that just stop the world. She's so amazing and beautiful. The world just becomes a small place, but it's such a happy one. I went to bed as she has far more self-control than I do.

Life is wonderful.

I'm proud of myself for learning things, especially where I've learned and grown from my previous relationship. Like I'm treating every day I spend with ~R as a wonderful bonus; but one which could end at any time. So I enjoy myself with her, but make sure I don't take stuff for granted and don't think about "future". I'm not worrying about how much I like her compared to how much she likes me. Things are what they are: comparisons don't matter. I know I'm much more into her than she is to me: doesn't matter. I'm just enjoying stuff while it lasts.

What I do need to work on is being more relaxed around her; my brain just shuts down around her because I'm still just amazed and awed by her. It still disturbs her and she doesn't like it when I stare at her - this is one of the drawbacks of my enjoying stuff while it lasts: I want to drink in every moment of her beauty and the happiness I get while I'm around her while I can - so I stare a bit more than I should. And I'm not discreet so she keeps catching me.

We're making progress. She's less freaked out when I tell her how wonderful she is, and I think we're both a bit more happy with some light physical contact. And above all, she makes me so unbelievably happy.

AcidCat

Something positive

Thanks to comments from my newly re-livered friend D---, Ash (from Arien Musings) and my sister, I'm now feeling a lot more positive about yesterday's date.

Bottom line is, I now realise I was hoping for too much.

I had fun yesterday. Let's just see how things go and hope to have some more days out where we have fun and then see if we connect.

Thanks to all of you guys. You're all fantastic.

Love
AcidCat

Testing times

Today I had the end of module exam. Topics covered included upper and lower GI tract, kidney function, thyroid function and pancreatic function (and the associated insulin and diabetes). I think it went ok, but then again the examiner did say the exam was easy (therefore the pass mark will be higher), and also, any time on this course I thought the exam went well I end up with a bad mark, and conversely when I think the exam went poorly, the mark so far has been ok. So, no judgements, just time to wait for the marks to come out.

Went to the pub to unwind afterwards, but I think I'm cursed with the local that the uni kids go to. I never seem to have a particularly fun time while I'm there. The best experience I think I've had while there has been geeking out and playing chess with C-------- after the last exam. Didn't have a wonderful time, and when the people I was with invited me back to halls for coffee, I jumped at the opportunity. Especially as one of them was the wonderful one.

Spent the early evening around the wonderful one's kitchen. I really like all of the people who live in that flat, so I had a lot of fun. The coffee made me a bit jittery though as I don't really do caffeine: Never normally drink coffee, rarely drink tea, occasionally drink cola. I got a bit shy and awkward around the wonderful one again, partly think it was because we were both tired from the exam and the revision for the exam all week long.

Anyway, went to a party with some of the kids from uni, and had a good time. I rarely drink alcohol, so today as people were pushing alcohol in my general direction, I drank too much which hit my system far too quickly. I got annoyed with myself for getting drunk, and also that people were starting to guess about my infatuation with the wonderful one. And I knew who was spreading the rumours, which annoyed me a bit too - but a useful lesson to know that L--- (as nice as she is) can't be trusted with anything she takes to be potentially juicy gossip. Another thing that spoiled my evening was that the person I thought was the biggest arsehole on the course confirmed it today, by getting high and groping a lot of girls against their will and tackling me to the ground. I almost punched him, but I was glad I managed to control my rage. I do wonder who would have won a fight between us though. Physically he's larger and probably stronger, I'd be relying on speed and knowing where to hit. Let's hope it isn't put to the test.

On the happy finish for the party: I spent a lovely time with one of the nicest girls on the course C------, who I think is wonderful. I got to spend some time chatting to my gym buddy T---- who is a really cool guy and a role model for how I want to change. I also spent some time talking to some old friends (like M---, one of my favourites from my first PBL group) and spent a bit of time getting to know some coursemates a little bit better. And I had a chance to dance, and take lots of photos.

Anyway, am now back, have had a drink of water, so hopefully shouldn't be hit hard by a hangover tomorrow, and am nearly ready for bed. Am looking forwards to a rare weekend of leisure: it's going to be amazing!

Love and peace and hope to you all

AcidCat

PS: Seriously, random question about leukaemia? What the hell does that have to do with GI, kidney, pancreas or thyroid? And is it so much to ask to expect the exam questions to be proof-read for spelling, grammar and have them generally make sense?

PMT empathy

I've been feeling depressed and anti-social again today. For lunch I couldn't face being around anyone else, so I got take-out from the canteen and went to sit on my own in a room.

What doesn't help a bad mood is when people who know you suffer from seasonal affective disorder just say stuff like "Just sit in front of your light/go get some sun". It feels like you're being told that if you have a shit mood/bad day, the only possible reason is your SAD, and so once you sort that out then everything will always be fine for you. I'm just glad that most people don't know I suffer from depression too, otherwise being told to "just go and take your Prozac" might drive me to physical violence. I really sympathise with women, who frequently suffer from the indignity of having their anger labelled as "must be their time of their month". All you bearers of the XX chromosome, please accept my apologies as someone with XY chromosomes.

What did make things better (in addition to an afternoon nap today) was being asked to have a coffee with C------. (Incidentally she is one of the few who I think realises I suffer from depression - a few people know a certain things, which combined with attention and empathy should let them know my mental status). After the skills session today (where we learnt to intubate - really exciting! Just like on TV, but much, much harder - requiring more muscle power than they show) she asked if I fancied a coffee. We went to have a chat for 20 minutes and she asked after me, but just the action of speaking to someone who came to find me was lovely and made me feel like I'm a part of the world, and not just floating lost.

Thanks C------. I noticed that after that, and after a nap things are getting progressively better. I may still be up after midnight trying to do work for tomorrow, with an exam that I feel underprepared for looming, but I feel ok about it.

AcidCat

Chinese New Year resolutions

Just got back from a Tube station themed party (I pillaged the nearest hedge, and with the benefit of copious sticky tape and staples, went as "Bushey" - without realising that Bushey is only an overground railway station and not an underground. Sigh. The costume almost doubles up for Green Park or Wood Green) which I wasn't very keen on going to. I was thinking of ditching it as I wasn't in the mood up until climbing into the cab.

As you might be able to guess as I'm now writing this after 5 am, I had a lovely time, really enjoyed myself and was thoroughly glad I went. I received a lovely compliment from a friend (L----) who didn't realise I was having second thoughts about medicine, who said that I would make a good doctor and said I was very talented and that I had a lot of charisma which in his opinion was a large part of the battle with doctoring (this coming from a guy who is super-charismatic). The whole evening shows an advantage to saying yes.

So, in honour of this, and as I made so many New year resolutions that I lost track of them, here are my Chinese new year resolutions...

1) Be Happy.
2) Be Focussed (i.e. when working I'm going to work, when playing I'm going to play. I'm not going to mix the two).
3) If I don't know whether to say yes or no, I'm going to say yes.

3 resolutions seems reasonable. Let's do it!

AcidCat

A nice compliment

Conversation today with V--.

V--: "Everyone has ex-boyfriends".
Me: "I don't. I haven't had a single one."
V--: "Ok, fair enough. But you've had ex-girlfriends though haven't you?"
Me: "Erm. Actually, no."
V--: "Really? With your looks and personality I'm really surprised!"

And I could tell that there wasn't any sarcasm intended in the final comment. A lovely complement to receive, especially as I got a few kicks in my pursuit of my loved one today (She said again she's not looking for a relationship, and she mentioned someone else (a demonstrator) that she finds hot, and she thinks might also quite like her).

Another positive was a nice chat with my ex-PBL buddy C------ tonight. We skirted around my relationship woes (I think she's guessed who and how things are), and if we are both on the same wavelength, she thinks that things are going quite well in my slow and steady chase...

Here's hoping.

AcidCat

P.S. Happy Birthday J--! Just finished his party (it's still carrying on without me in our kitchen). It was fun and my popcorn making skills went down well. Another compliment is to have your skills or talents appreciated.

Happy New Year!

It's Chinese new year today (well, technically as I'm posting after midnight, it was yesterday).

Anyway, happy year of the Ox to you all.

I've had a fabulous night out tonight with fun, food, fireworks, friends, flatmates and the fantastic one.

A bit of an awkward moment when my love life or lack thereof was discussed, right in front of my loved one, but it was a great evening all the same.

Let's hope this year gives me the resilience, willpower, and damned stubbornness of the Ox!

AcidCat

Thank god (if one exists and should be thanked) it's Friday

Another week down... it's the weekend!

I've had a good evening. It's come in three sections:

1) Pub
Spent the day exhausted. Went to the pub with some of my coursemates, catalysed by the fact it was one of my new group members birthdays today. It was a bit of a waste of time. I ended up in a corner of the pub with G---, L---, M--- and R------- who weren't interested in me, didn't talk to me and talked about stuff I wasn't at all interested in. I didn't feel in a good mood and when the stories got disgusting I took that as a cue to leave (not that I was offended, just that it was an acceptable excuse to scarper). As a result I didn't make it to the greyhound race that the rest of them were going to.

2) Tea party
I left the pub feeling very lonely, with the thought that I didn't fit in returning. I went back to the hospital to collect my bike, and cycled home. En route, I received a phone call that I failed to answer in time, and when I retrieved my phone I found that I had two missed call, one from my friend J----, and the other from the wonderful one. As I'm still struggling not to be too much of a stalker, I rang J---- first, who said that she was having tea and cake around her flat and invited me along. I accepted, but kicked myself for not ringing my crush first, only realising then that as she had rang me first, it certainly would have been fine for me to ring her. I went to J----'s flat hoping that the wonderful one was there... I wasn't disappointed! I was rewarded with the sight of the wonderful one, J----, A----- and J--- (and three varieties of cake - including the coffee cake I had bought for J----'s husband's birthday earlier last week).

It was everything that the pub was not. It was intimate, fun, enjoyable and made my evening. I loved it! I still feel awkward around my loved one, but it is always wonderful to spend time in her presence and look at her beauty. I love learning things about her. I keep hearing things about her that make me think that we'd be really well suited together... wishing things don't make things true though. Obviously spending time with the others, eating cake and drinking tea was also lovely, but being with her for a while made it perfect for me. We ended up staying for a few hours, stopping only to collect cheese and biscuits (I'm glad I have a good selection of savoury biscuits!) to help stave off type II diabetes from overconsumption of sweet cake.

3) Flat
All good things must come to an end. Beginning of the end was the return of J----'s flatmate C---, who was sad as one of his patients had died today (pneumonia). We tried to be as sympathetic as possible for C--- and fed him with cake and tea. We ended up leaving to give him space and to get something a little bit more proper for dinner.

I returned to my flat and had a chat with J-- who is a good friend of C---, to see if he knew what he could do to help. He had already communicated with C--- and knew what was happening, so I left it in his capable hands. We went to ask H---- if he was coming to a chinese new year event that J-- was getting people to attend so we chatted for a bit. H---- and I went to cook dinner (J-- had already eaten), and J-- kept us company in the kitchen. We spent the evening eating and chatting. It was lovely. We spent a lot of the time talking about the evils of smoking and discussing philosophy. Again, such a huge contrast to the pub-part of the evening: intelligent, interesting, enjoyable debate which exercised my brain and made me happier. We didn't notice the time fly and only stopped as the time got close to 1 am.

It's been a good evening. I need to appreciate that just because I don't always fit in to large group situations with course-mates doesn't meant I do not fit in other places. I need to just find the right people in the right situations. Parts 2 and 3 of this evening proved it. Am very glad I didn't just tough it out at the pub - would have missed a brilliant evening.

AcidCat

Taking a breather from studying respiratory medicine

Instead of learning about asthma and lungs, I spent the evening with the wonderful one and one of her best friends.

I had so much fun and I don't care that I haven't done much work today. Only downside is that the Valentines card I was planning might need to be changed, as I gave away something that might make it obvious that it might be me...

Tomorrow and Wednesday I will have to work very hard to make up though...

But for tonight, I'm happy.

AcidCat

Fight the demons

I've spent the time since my last post feeling a bit low. I felt a failure, I felt pretty much friendless, like no-one really cared. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be here. I was confused and overwhelmed by the work, yet couldn't muster the motivation to do it. I felt the clouds of depression moving in on me. I've barely left my room except to do the things I had to, and go to lectures.

I spent some time thinking about it today. I was worried that the Prozac had stopped working for me.

Then I realised: I was fine before I got the results. That meant, the prozac was working fine. It was just the way I was responding and handling the knock-back which was screwed up.

My sulking and becoming introspective wasn't helping at all. It was just making me miserable. The only person who is responsible for my happiness is me. So if I'm lonely, and friends don't seem to care, why should they? They don't owe me. Anyway, they might be concerned and not know how to show it/not want to intrude/have their own problems or demons to face.

I still don't know if I'm meant to be here: but even if not, I'm going to do my damned best while I'm here, so I know that I gave it my all. The more I put in, the more I get out, even if I don't end up doing medicine. And who knows, this might end up being the wake up call I need, and things might be better for it (Thanks Ash!).

And while I'm here, thanks to everyone who was trying to be supportive while I was just wallowing and feeling too sorry for myself to notice (or if I noticed, I wasn't able to drag myself out). In particular, thanks to J--, H----, K--, F------, J---- and C------ (who tried to cheer me up by dancing to "Town called Malice" by the Jam).

Got to stay positive. Man up, suck it up, grow a pair.

I made the first steps. This evening, I went into the kitchen, ate my dinner with some of my flatmates and even made a batch of popcorn for them. (I'm getting better at it, but then again, I bloody well ought to, I've been experimenting with popcorn for about 6 years...)

Let's go!

AcidCat

PS. I've caught up to date with XKCD. Well worth a read. I felt a bit sad when I had finished and realised that I'd only get updates a few times a week, instead of having several comics to read per day. I've started re-reading them already...

PPS Fighting virtual demons on computer games is a darn sight easier than fighting metaphorical demons in real life.

Read me like a book

I'm enjoying my last moments of freedom before I get reburied under an avalanche of work. Just a quick blog post and then sleep I think.

What's been playing on my mind is that certain people have worked out about who I've got a crush on. If I ever played poker, I may as well just throw all my money at my opponents: I think I'm just too easy to read, my heart tends to live on my sleeve.

This is mainly from a new year's eve party conversation with K--. She was asking about me and the wonderful one. She said it in a way that suggested that she was trying to match-make us, but I think she knew anyway. Under the influence of alcohol, my poor acting skills made me blurt out "Am I that obvious?", slightly giving the game away. So she now knows my secret. In addition, two of my flatmates know. I didn't tell them, they managed to work it out. H---- knows for certain, as we spend more time together and he can read me quite well. J-- thinks he knows, but he isn't sure. In addition, I think two other friends on my course (J-- and J----) have guessed (or they just think we're very good friends). I'm a bit more surprised at the last two people and K--, as I didn't think that I spent that much time with the wonderful one - in fact, sometimes I try to not be in the same place as her for awkwardness reasons / to make it less obvious / so she doesn't get sick of me.

I wish I was a little more subtle. I'm now slightly concerned that the wonderful one has guessed, but I just don't know...

In a way, I'm quite glad K-- knows. It's like the old riddle:

What is:
Too much for one,
Perfect for two
Nothing for three or more?

Answer: A secret.

It's kind of nice that someone else knows - somehow makes it a little bit real. And also K-- is very trustworthy and I think she won't blab.

AcidCat

PS - A sidenote that I've been wondering about - If history is really repeating itself (See "Back Home" - December 21, 2008), I'm not going to end up going out with the wonderful one: I'm going to end up going out with the person I ended up confiding in, in this case, K--. Which could be interesting... She's nice, pretty and kind of my type. At least she might be if I wasn't busy obsessing about someone else...

Resolutions

200th post!
I'm a big fan of New Year's resolutions. People who don't make them "as they'll just end up breaking them" come across as too defeatist. In my opinion, I'd rather try and maybe fail... and I've got plenty of stuff I'd like to improve in my life, so new year's resolutions seem like a good catalyst to spur me on.

So here are my resolutions for 2009:

1. Be happy and be positive. (The most important one)
   
2. Do constructive acts, avoid doing destructive things (inspired by a NYE conversation with K--).
3. If I'm not sure whether to say yes or no, I'm going to say YES (Danny Wallace rules!).
   
4. Be focussed and motivated (i.e. Work hard, play hard).
5. Get fit. (A perennial one, I've made some progress in the recent past).
   
6. Do unto others as I would like them to do to me... especially to my friends. (They deserve it. I've realised the friends who I can rely on are really wonderful).
   
7. Man up, grow a pair and suck it up! (As I said, not just a resolution, a way of life!)
   
8. Be happy with myself on my own, being comfortable as an individual and comfortable in my own skin. Be confident. (This one's the most challenging)
   

Let's go and have a fantastic 2009!

Good luck with all of your resolutions.

Love
AcidCat

Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

Letting go

• "Letting Go" from the excellent XKCD webcomic - The alt text reads "At least I never gave her the root password."

I've been thinking a lot about the past recently (I blame the combination of coming up to the end of a year and not having a huge amount of work that needs doing now). I arranged to meet up with two of my friends from the days of my first undergraduate degree (who are living together and happily domesticated). They were my closest friends in my first degree, are almost the only people I haven't managed to alienate from those days, and they got together around the same time that I started seeing the One who got away.

It was lovely to see them. I don't know if we'll stay in touch as it did feel a bit awkward (they were also good friends with the One who got away), and everyone is busy. But it was nice, and they're both wonderful, kind, lovely, fun people.

This got me thinking about the one who got away. The XKCD comic strip above reminded me of the day I deleted the emails and text messages that I'd sent her and received from her. It was painful, but I'd hoped it would make me heal faster. Also just having them available was torture, even though I couldn't bring myself to read any of them. I still remember one text message so clearly though. It read "I love my job, but I love you more.". It still makes me sad to think about how good it all was. I'm really disorganised and am continuously losing and misplacing things. This holiday I keep finding little bits and pieces from her that I couldn't face with clearing away: A photo, a little note, a card. It's like poking at a wound that has scarred over and should have healed, but it's still so painful.

On my way back from the uni friends, I decided to swing back via my current university halls of residence. This implies that it was vaguely en route... it wasn't. It was a detour in completely the wrong direction which added over an hour in each direction of my journey.

This detour was a little bit due to the fact that there were a few bits and pieces at university that would be convenient to have: a sheet of my notes, the wifi card for the laptop that lets me type this in bed right now. If I was completely honest with myself though, it was mainly on the outside chance that the amazing one was there and I could drop in and say hi... Happily, mission accomplished.

I saw the light in her room was on, and the light in the kitchen. So I went to my room to grab the bits I came to pick up, so I could at least pretend to myself that my reason for coming back was practical. I then wandered down to her flat and rang the bell. Luckily, one of her flatmates who I was in a group with and am good friends with answered, and she invited me in, so it didn't look like I was just there to stalk the one I'm crushing on.

I had a lovely evening chatting to her and her two flatmates who I'm also friends with, but I'm so awkward around her as I just don't know what to say, or how to act. My brain conspires against me, so any eloquence I might have just vanishes. She's wonderful, and I do love her. It's just sad that it's unrequited. I don't think I ever had a chance though, just in terms of wrong place, wrong time. It's a complete bitch for me though: she arrives when I'm feeling like I'm getting over my ex (about bloody time), and I fall in love, but...

Bugger.

Love's a bitch.

AcidCat