Woo hoo!

Yee-hah!

I'm so hyper and fired up and generally thrilled! This might be the most incoherent and happy post I've done so far. Just feel the need to dump stuff down and type like crazy.

Today I went to a friend's birthday barbeque with a few friends from my course, including the wonderful one. I had the journey down alone with her and the most of the journey back I was on my own with her. I felt so tongue-tied in her presence and so in awe of her that every time I looked at her, I thought "I love you. You're so beautiful and so amazing.". I got fed up with this feeling, and decided that I would sort this out once and for all and ask her out.

Basically I didn't want to be the guy in this cartoon (again, taken from the excellent xkcd)

(and the alcohol I consumed at C--------'s birthday barbeque might have helped slightly).

Anyway, I spent a fair chunk of the journey home admiring her and deciding what to say. When I got to hold her from the cold while waiting for a bus, that gave me more steely resolve.

I decided that just as I dropped her off by her door I'd ask her then. That would mean we both had the chance to make the awkward getaway if it went wrong, so neither of us were trapped.

I felt my heart pumping as she said goodbye, and then I just popped.

"R-----, I'd just like to tell you what I was thinking about on the way back. I was thinking you are really cool and awesome."

I paused, having forgotten what I wanted to say or to catch my breath. I forget which.

"Thank you... I think you're cool"

"I mean, you probably know I've really liked you for a while, so I was wondering, whether you'd like to have dinner with me this week?"

She looked hesitant and my heart fell. I was readying a line to give her an easy exit without her getting embarrassed, but then she spoke the golden words:

"I'd like that"

and at that point, everything faded into fuzzy clouds of happiness. I can't really remember the conversation after that (hell, there might be poetic licence taken with the preceding conversation: not intentionally for effect, just because my mind was screaming at me while I was doing it and I have been flying around my flat since). Still to try and hang onto this moment, this feeling of pure joy, exhilaration and happiness, this is similar to what we said afterwards:

"No matter what happens though, I really think you're absolutely amazing and I want to stay your friend".

"I had no idea you felt like that"

"I assumed you had guessed, because I think there are 3 or 4 people who guessed, and one person who asked me out-right" (K-- asked me at the new year's eve party)

"I was completely oblivious. Was it you who sent me the card?"

"Yes" (It was the Valentine's card I sent her. Rose and heart photos - hidden secret message and cartoon)

"I'm glad it was you. Someone guessed it might have been you but I thought you were just nice to everyone." (I think the person she showed it to who guessed was either her best mate K----, or her flatmates C------ (who I'm pretty sure had guessed about my crush on the wonderful one a long time ago) or possibly V--, or as a possible long shot J---).

"No matter what happens I want you to know you're awesome and I want to be your friend no matter what. I love spending time with you, even just as friends."

"Yeah, I'd like to hang out with you more".

"I'll email you to find out when you're free."

"Good night"

"Good night"

And as I walked up the stairs, I heard her voice call out something like:

"I can't believe how embarrassed I am now!"

"Not as much as I am!"

(I don't think the word was embarrassed, it was something like embarrassed or shy or something, but it was incredibly sweet and like everything else, it was something to add to the list of reasons that I love her).

Ever since I've come back I've been buzzing. It was exhilarating! I'm pretty sure that may have been a masterclass in how not to ask out a girl, but as I got a yes from her, I don't give a damn! I've currently got a smile on my face that I'm not sure that Semtex could remove.

I'm being realistic here. I think we've both got baggage from the past. However, just by asking and getting over that hurdle, I've achieved something here. I'm hoping this will be the trigger I need to feel more natural around her. The fact she said yes means that she likes something about me, so I can just be me. And as I said, the fact I get to spend time with her means that I win.

The smile and joy in my heart at the moment is a feeling I want to hang onto for all my life. I want to kindle it and store it in my heart - put its warmth and power into the phoenix that I am! (I'll post about the phoenix thing another time - this is already plenty long enough, and then some).

I'm so thrilled she said yes. I thought when she paused that she was trying to find a way to let me down gently, but in retrospect I think it was because it was all so unexpected. Specially as she didn't realise I felt this way about her - which I am shocked about because so many people have blatantly realised or decided that I should be interested in her (believe me all of you who tried, you didn't need to try and persuade me, I was way ahead of all of you!).

So, love and optimism to you all. Especially for the one person who is sitting squarely in my mind and in my heart right now.

R-----, the wonderful one. I love you.

AcidCat

Resolutions

200th post!
I'm a big fan of New Year's resolutions. People who don't make them "as they'll just end up breaking them" come across as too defeatist. In my opinion, I'd rather try and maybe fail... and I've got plenty of stuff I'd like to improve in my life, so new year's resolutions seem like a good catalyst to spur me on.

So here are my resolutions for 2009:

1. Be happy and be positive. (The most important one)
   
2. Do constructive acts, avoid doing destructive things (inspired by a NYE conversation with K--).
3. If I'm not sure whether to say yes or no, I'm going to say YES (Danny Wallace rules!).
   
4. Be focussed and motivated (i.e. Work hard, play hard).
5. Get fit. (A perennial one, I've made some progress in the recent past).
   
6. Do unto others as I would like them to do to me... especially to my friends. (They deserve it. I've realised the friends who I can rely on are really wonderful).
   
7. Man up, grow a pair and suck it up! (As I said, not just a resolution, a way of life!)
   
8. Be happy with myself on my own, being comfortable as an individual and comfortable in my own skin. Be confident. (This one's the most challenging)
   

Let's go and have a fantastic 2009!

Good luck with all of your resolutions.

Love
AcidCat

Random thought fragments

It really struck me that I often have stuff to blog about during the day, but by the time the evening comes, the mood passes or I forget what I wanted to write about. As a result I get quite a few of these random thought fragments...

Had a lovely moment today when a friend invited me to lunch. I had my phone on silent (forgot to reset it after the interview with the pregnant lady) so I missed it, but it made my day to be thought of.

I did small favours to two people today, and it was nice to be acknowledged by them. The favours were very minor (one turned out to be pointless) but the thank you messages were appreciated.

Took part in a dance workshop which was exhausting. It was a masterclass with a dancer called "Alien Ness" and it was quite inspiring. I was tempted not to go as I was running late, was hungry, tired and think I might be getting ill. Glad I pushed myself into going though. It was fun. The "yes man" project was part of what pushed me in the direction of going.

The "Yes Man" film based (loosely) on the Danny Wallace book is coming out soon. Not sure if I'll see it as it looks terrible, and Hollywood have a knack for ruining stuff (and the cinema is now criminally expensive in my opinion for mediocre movies). Will wait and see.

That's all folks. No more off the top of my head.

AcidCat

Guess who's back, back again!

Hi everyone!

Welcome back! This whole hiatus is coming to an end (hopefully). Six posts in April, one post in May, none in June... poor show! I plead long work hours, endless stress, and fatigue and stress! I never knew I could work so hard or such long hours. I've done 14 to 16 hours a day, seven days a week, for several weeks. It's absolutely knackering, but it feels very virtuous. However, when I finally finished, I've spent a lot of time catching up on lost sleep.

Some of the things that have happened in the huge gap in posting properly:

• I've got addicted to LJ Secret. It's a bit like PostSecret, but updated most days and has an archive of old secrets. The quality control isn't as good, but it's still often touching.
• I decided I like all of my labmates, even JizzNut.
  
• I realise I am worth something. Friends genuinely seemed upset and saddened at my leaving, and were keen on me returning to visit.
• I realise I might be quite good at what I do. I thought I wasn't good as my studies have been pretty unsuccessful by results. However, my wonderful boss, and several of my labmates and other friends have said I'm very good at my job, and have been often nagging me to reconsider my plans to swap tostudying medicine when I finish my studies. I'm starting to consider it... I'm scared though. I've got one life, and not got enough time to both stay in the lab and do the new med school route. I'm worried about ending up in my forties and deciding I cocked up. I don't want to end up thinking "What if?" (which is a major reason for my "say yes" resolution).
• I've given up on saying "yes" blindly. It happened for a variety of reasons. I had built in a hell of a lot of exceptions already, mainly when people asked me for advice in the lab, and had I said yes to all of the questions, there WOULD have been explosions. However, also when I had a deadline to make, I realised that saying "yes" ate into my time heavily. Also it's expensive. However, I still believe in saying "yes" where possible, and hope to do more after I finish my studies... It's fun, and makes you more positive
• I'm weaning off the Prozac. Oh Fluoxetine, we do love you. My mood has been on an upward curve, and I'm starting to get over the depression (I still think of her everyday with sadness though). However, I started weaning off as I ran out of tablets and didn't have enough time to see the doctor for more, so had to stretch them out. Then at my consult, the wonderful, caring Dr. Ketan Bhatt suggested I wean off them. I'm due to try and get off them within a month... Wish me luck!
  

I'm scared by this whole thesis writing. I've got to try and do this, apply for med school, do the exams, all by October.

I don't know if I can do it.

I wonder if I've managed to blag being intelligent to other people, and whether I'll end up being found out. In the worst possible way.

I'm scared.

See you all soon

AcidCat

New

Now Lent is over, I have decided that it's time to stop trying to say yes to everything. I have been failing at it anyway, but I've been saying yes to most things. I've found it useful, and it has been very good for me. However, saying yes to everything ends up being very expensive, and tiring. Also, if you're a very occasional drinker (to the point where most of the time you're teetotal) in a group of university students, people try and get you to drink on a regular basis, so saying yes would have destroyed my liver by now.

I really would recommend saying yes to anyone. It makes life very different. I just feel that it's like removing your stabilisers/training wheels when you've progressed beyond them and are capable of cycling. I will say yes as often as possible, but be selective. Saying yes is true positive thinking.

So a new start, to go with a new restart with the lab coming back from holiday today. One day in, and it feels as if they've been back for ages.

AcidCat

Burning the candle at both ends

"People always say I shouldn't be burning the candle at both ends. Maybe they haven't got a big enough candle." - George Best

A short post today, as I'm pushing too hard at the moment, and not getting enough sleep. It's got to the point that my labmates sent me home because I was "like a zombie". I slept for most of the work day, so went in at 5pm to work till midnight. I'm hoping catching up on that sleep will let me carry on as before soon. So much to do!

I'm not so good at burning the candle at both ends. It's a flaw of saying yes, you do end up losing sleep as you're incredibly busy...

AcidCat

Sunny Sunday

A combination of the "say yes" and "Do it" thoughts led to today being somewhat busy.

I decided to ring a friend who I go breakdancing with to see if he was going today, to the Oxford session. He's been suggesting I went for a while, so I asked him. He said he would if I would, so I said yes, and agreed to meet him for the 8pm session.

I then rang my brother to see if he wanted to do an early dinner together before my breakdancing. He agreed, and despite my offer to go out to eat, he suggested cooking round mine. We decided to meet at around 5-5:30pm round mine.

I went into town, picking up my car en route. It's incredibly difficult to park a car in Oxford, even on a Sunday. I found a two hour parking space near Keble road, so popped into the lab briefly, doing a little work, but not much. Sphincter Boy and JizzNut were there, I was pleased to see one of them and we had a bit of a chat about rugby, while I tried to work. All too soon my two hours were up, so I had to head back to move the car. On leaving the lab I met the Ringleader who wasn't overjoyed at the prospect of sharing a Sunday in the lab with JizzNut.

I trawled the centre trying to find a space, but to no avail. I finally chanced upon a space on Walton Street, so walked to Sainsbury's and Marks & Spencer, where I decided I'd base a meal on roast chicken as they were on offer in M&S. I got some decadent oozing filling steamed puddings in both Chocolate sponge and sticky toffee pudding flavours.

I headed back home as I realised that I needed to get the chicken on or it would be very late. I dashed straight to the kitchen and looked at the electric fan oven. I don't really trust electric cooking devices, but it turns out that this one was excellent, and I really should have reduced the temperature for the fan assisted oven as suggested on the packaging. As it happened, the food ended up being slightly carbon enhanced.

My brother cycled through the pouring rain and I welcomed him with a cup of tea. He set to fixing my punctured bike tyre, while I put the rest of the food on. I was quite impressed by my efficiency, managing to feed him by around 6pm. He was a sweetie, and didn't mind the food being a little blackened cajun style (partly from the standard of Balliol hall food being quite as disgusting as it is). I managed to burn the beansprouts with parma ham a little, thank god I got the rice ok, or it would have been a clean sweep.

We had a lovely chat, but I had to dash off for the breaking session. I drove to the session which was good fun, but I'm really rusty and unfit. It was nice to meet my friend Q again though. Despite it finishing at gone 10, he asked if I wanted to go for food or drink with him. Normally I would say no, but with the new resolution I followed him to a chinese where I sipped an Orange Tango. It was fun just yapping away, and we left at nearly midnight when they were shutting up shop.

It's been a busy day, and lots of fun. It's largely come about through saying yes, and the mentality of "doing". So enrich your life: Say yes, and Do it!

AcidCat

PS www.tanksforsale.co.uk has used tanks for the price of a small family car. I'd better start saving...

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This Blog post has been brought to you by AcidCat, plugging www.do-it.org the nationwide volunteering website. Put something back, and have some fun while you're at it!

Reasons to be cheerful, part 1

Today is Shrove Tuesday, final day before Lent... time to have one last day of gluttony before 40 days of deprivation.

This morning started well. I got a lovely compliment from a lovely lab mate from a different group. She said that I would make a great doctor and I should work with kids as I have a personality for it as I'm very positive. I had told her that I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't tell her that I wanted to work in paediatrics. It's a wonderful feeling to have your decisions vindicated, especially by people you like. I need to get down to the whole application process...

My other high of the day was the evening. I had already asked the lab if they fancied coming round my house to make pancakes, but had my offer declined. I was facing an evening of working late in the lab with my good friend the Ringleader. Our labmate LG was talking about joining us, but he was a bit depressed and was thinking of just going home. We tried to tempt him to come out and join us for dinner, even if he wasn't staying to work, but he just looked miserable and was going to go home. It was only when we suggested icecream that he was excited and agreed to come out for a bit.

When we got to the icecream parlour (G&D's), I noticed that the really excellent cocktail bar opposite (Duke of Cambridge) was on half-price happy hour, and knowing LG had a weakness for cocktails and looked like he could do with a drink, our merry band went in for a quick one.

And then another.

It was great fun. I love the little unexpected impromptu evenings out much more than Friday night drinking. I love the way it's a bonus, Friday nights seem like you're meant to be out and having fun, and you're a loser if you're not. I love the way other nights it isn't as crowded and feels a little illicit as you're out on a school night...

We had a great time. I had a Creme Brulee flavoured cocktail which was ok, and a wonderful Black Forest cocktail. By the end of happy hour we were in fine spirits and a very chirpy, jovial bunch. It had done all three of us a lot of good, and rounding off the evening in the ice cream parlour was a happy ending. We didn't end up managing to achieve any work, but I'm glad I went. It was being completely true to the spirit of the "Yes" campaign. It's the kind of thing that would have been very easy, sensible and logical to say no to, but had I done so, I think that all three of us would have had a worse evening for it. We blew off a little steam and I'm glad we all said yes, despite LG feeling down, and my and the Ringmaster's workloads.

I loved being in the position that instead of being the one who needed lifting up, I was the one able to help cheer up others. I don't always get it right, but when you manage to make someone's life a little better, it's the most incredibly fantastic feeling.

That's why I want to be a doctor.

Love to you all, party hard, and say yes.

AcidCat