Catching up

I realise I haven't put up a blog post for ages - last post was end of May, so I've gone the whole of June and most of July without updating. As a result, I'm just going to briefly list some of the salient points of the past two months so I feel like I've caught up. If I don't at least mention them here it will feel like I've got an itch that I can't quite scratch.

The main reason I haven't posted for most of this time is due to exam panic. I had a lot of exams around the beginning of July, so I spent a lot of time revising and panicking. I had an entire term's worth of work, which incidentally was the most difficult term of work so far (two modules, one on the musculoskeletal system (and skin) and one on neuroscience and psychiatry), so there was a lot of anatomy to learn. In addition I had a practical exam (OSCE) which tested any of the clinical procedures that we had learnt over the past year. As I only just scraped past the practice OSCE earlier this year, I was terrified. In the event I managed to pass all those exams acceptably well, so will be returning to university next year.

The other central part of my life recently has been the wonderful ~R. I've been spending a lot of time with her and think things have been going well. I'm very much in love with her and she makes me so very happy. I love being with her and having her near me. My addiction to her made it harder for me to concentrate on work, as my mind keeps drifting back to her. I'm really pleased that she too has passed her exams so will be coming back next year. However, she's away in America doing a project with her friend for the whole summer and I miss her lots. She won't be back until the holiday is over. I must admit I'm a bit scared that like my ex-, she'll come back and end the relationship. I really hope not. She's been gone less than a week (since Monday), but it feels like an age already.

Other things:
Well, my sister has moved into a new house that she has bought and it's really pretty. I'm looking forwards to the day I can afford my own house!

I've got a new house for next year, having moved out of student halls. I've moved in with three of my flatmates from this year and we have a little house just minutes from the hospital. It's quite nice, moving was a pain though and the kitchen is ant infested, the bathroom is crap, and the furniture is broken. My room itself is reasonably nice, having come second out of the hat when we were assigning rooms.

I'm off to Asia for two weeks with two of my flatmates at the end of August, just before term starts. One of them (J--) lives in Brunei, and offered to show us around, so myself and L--- are going to visit him. J-- has helped us organise going to Malaysia and Thailand as well, it's going to be amazing and I can't wait, but there's still a lot of organisation to do.

Until then, I've got a little job in the dissecting room. It involves removing all the soft tissue from the arm (below the shoulder blade), leaving only the bones and ligaments (and those muscles that prevent the top of the arm (humerus) falling out of the shoulder blade cup (glenoid fossa)). It pays minimum wage, but it's quite fun, and I'm learning anatomy as I go. There's also some other nice people doing it, so it's quite a fun experience.

Anyway, I'm getting tired, so I'm going to end this update here. If I can I'd like to keep going and maybe go into a bit more detail, but this will do for this post.

Goodnight everyone!

love
AcidCat

Don't worry, be happy

As you might have guessed from my previous blog post today, I haven't been a happy bunny. I had a little nap after posting which made things a bit better, but was still angry and miserable. I've stomped around feeling withdrawn and been polite to my flatmates but nothing more sociable, despite their best efforts when I went into the kitchen.

Work was failing. I decided to cut my losses and go to the gym, hoping to exercise out some of my sadness and negative feelings. Annoyingly, the punchbag was being used, so I was limited to working on cardio. It helped a bit, I felt that things were a bit more in perspective - but I was still fed up.

But then, when I came home, I found this stuck to my door:



I don't know who's responsible (I'm pretty sure J-- was involved, and possibly E---- and L---) but it gave me a huge lift. It's so good to know people care. I was thinking really uncharitable thoughts about several of my flatmates recently, so this has really shown me something different.

I've left it pinned to my door for the time being, but I may move it to somewhere I can see it more often. It's wonderful.

Thanks very much guys. I needed that badly. I'm not feeling great, but I feel that I can cope.

AcidCat

Life examination

Feeling a bit out of sorts today.

The big plus point of today was receiving my exam results. Did ok in the mock practical... failed most of the stations, but did well enough to scrape a pass overall. Most pleasingly was that I did quite well in the written exam that actually counts, despite finding the exam incredibly difficult. Well enough to drag my average up nicely (to below average for the year but as I was well below before, I'm still pleased) especially in the basic clinical science that I was doing very badly in. I'm still concerned that despite scoring reasonably well on that, I don't feel like I know the material very well.

Anyway, I feel like I don't belong again. One of my flatmates is a selfish bastard who doesn't like me, takes everything he can, winds me up and tries to put in sly jabs at every possible opportunity. If it wasn't for his presence, it would be a great flat. Oh well. I'm just going to try the minimal contact approach and see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about her. I don't know if I'll ever have her, which makes me feel sad and lonely. I wish I didn't feel this way about her. It makes me overanalyse all my actions and thoughts. Am I wishing for something I don't really want anyway? I wonder if this is a case of head saying no, but heart saying yes.

Can't wait for the weekend. Weekend without her as she's away, and a weekend that (assuming I can get on top of work) allows me to get away from the course and flat for most of the time.

Time for me to crack on with work to give me the weekend, and hypnotise/positive think my way out of my head.

AcidCat

Happy New Year!

It's Chinese new year today (well, technically as I'm posting after midnight, it was yesterday).

Anyway, happy year of the Ox to you all.

I've had a fabulous night out tonight with fun, food, fireworks, friends, flatmates and the fantastic one.

A bit of an awkward moment when my love life or lack thereof was discussed, right in front of my loved one, but it was a great evening all the same.

Let's hope this year gives me the resilience, willpower, and damned stubbornness of the Ox!

AcidCat

Thank god (if one exists and should be thanked) it's Friday

Another week down... it's the weekend!

I've had a good evening. It's come in three sections:

1) Pub
Spent the day exhausted. Went to the pub with some of my coursemates, catalysed by the fact it was one of my new group members birthdays today. It was a bit of a waste of time. I ended up in a corner of the pub with G---, L---, M--- and R------- who weren't interested in me, didn't talk to me and talked about stuff I wasn't at all interested in. I didn't feel in a good mood and when the stories got disgusting I took that as a cue to leave (not that I was offended, just that it was an acceptable excuse to scarper). As a result I didn't make it to the greyhound race that the rest of them were going to.

2) Tea party
I left the pub feeling very lonely, with the thought that I didn't fit in returning. I went back to the hospital to collect my bike, and cycled home. En route, I received a phone call that I failed to answer in time, and when I retrieved my phone I found that I had two missed call, one from my friend J----, and the other from the wonderful one. As I'm still struggling not to be too much of a stalker, I rang J---- first, who said that she was having tea and cake around her flat and invited me along. I accepted, but kicked myself for not ringing my crush first, only realising then that as she had rang me first, it certainly would have been fine for me to ring her. I went to J----'s flat hoping that the wonderful one was there... I wasn't disappointed! I was rewarded with the sight of the wonderful one, J----, A----- and J--- (and three varieties of cake - including the coffee cake I had bought for J----'s husband's birthday earlier last week).

It was everything that the pub was not. It was intimate, fun, enjoyable and made my evening. I loved it! I still feel awkward around my loved one, but it is always wonderful to spend time in her presence and look at her beauty. I love learning things about her. I keep hearing things about her that make me think that we'd be really well suited together... wishing things don't make things true though. Obviously spending time with the others, eating cake and drinking tea was also lovely, but being with her for a while made it perfect for me. We ended up staying for a few hours, stopping only to collect cheese and biscuits (I'm glad I have a good selection of savoury biscuits!) to help stave off type II diabetes from overconsumption of sweet cake.

3) Flat
All good things must come to an end. Beginning of the end was the return of J----'s flatmate C---, who was sad as one of his patients had died today (pneumonia). We tried to be as sympathetic as possible for C--- and fed him with cake and tea. We ended up leaving to give him space and to get something a little bit more proper for dinner.

I returned to my flat and had a chat with J-- who is a good friend of C---, to see if he knew what he could do to help. He had already communicated with C--- and knew what was happening, so I left it in his capable hands. We went to ask H---- if he was coming to a chinese new year event that J-- was getting people to attend so we chatted for a bit. H---- and I went to cook dinner (J-- had already eaten), and J-- kept us company in the kitchen. We spent the evening eating and chatting. It was lovely. We spent a lot of the time talking about the evils of smoking and discussing philosophy. Again, such a huge contrast to the pub-part of the evening: intelligent, interesting, enjoyable debate which exercised my brain and made me happier. We didn't notice the time fly and only stopped as the time got close to 1 am.

It's been a good evening. I need to appreciate that just because I don't always fit in to large group situations with course-mates doesn't meant I do not fit in other places. I need to just find the right people in the right situations. Parts 2 and 3 of this evening proved it. Am very glad I didn't just tough it out at the pub - would have missed a brilliant evening.

AcidCat

Review of 2008

It's the end of the year, so I've been spending a fair amount of time looking backwards at how everything has been this year. This is a review of the how 2008 has been for AcidCat, not in general for most people... I daresay it's been a good year for British cyclists, and a bad year for Andrew Sachs and Russell Brand, but I digress...

• Finished my PhD!

This was a hell of a long time coming. It swallowed up 4 years of my life, and gave me a hell of a beating. On the other hand, it did help teach me resilience, and I met some fantastic people and it was a very thorough challenge. Also the viva was quite satisfying and enjoyable in retrospect. I'm very glad to have finished it and ended a major chapter of my life.

• Worked at AZ

I fell into the pharmaceutical job almost by accident, but ended up really enjoying it. I'll admit that many of the co-workers there weren't that friendly, but almost everyone I was lucky enough to share a lab with were incredible and made my time there very enjoyable. My boss was brilliant and extremely supportive (I've been very lucky on that front historically), and even his boss was nice to me. It also gave me the chance to allow me to redeem myself to chemistry (and for chemistry to redeem itself with me). I realise that I was a good chemist, and had there been a job available for me there, I could still be there now (having said that, I don't think very much of Loughborough).

• Started at medical school

This was a scary experience. I'm still not sure I've made the right decision on this one - maybe I should have stuck with the chemistry. I don't know if I feel smart, dedicated or hard-working enough or even if I'm cut out to be a medic. Having said that I do enjoy the challenge, and its certainly not boring.

• Started to feel happy again and made new friends.

When I got my place at med school, it said that the halls were in shared accommodation. I dreaded this when it happened. I haven't had a single experience of shared accommodation where everyone who started in the house together left as friends. I know the petty annoyances that happen, and I know that other people annoy me, and they get annoyed by me. Recipe for disaster.

However, the flatmates I've been given have been a real blessing. For the first few weeks where I really felt homesick and that I'd made such a bad decision, J-- kept asking after me, and chatting to me and making me stick with it for a little while longer. The real turning point was when my flatmates discovered my birthday which I was feeling depressed about so didn't tell anyone about (combination of not wanting to get older and not thinking any friends would do anything if I did make a big deal over it), and they threw me a surprise party. I was completely blown away by it and it felt fantastic that people would do that for me. It made me feel that I fit in, which is something I've been chasing all my life. I've had so many fun, crazy evenings with the kids in my flat - my birthday, the discos, the dance lessons, making apple crumble, the dinners (Xmas dinner was a real highlight), the ice blocks!

I've met some really lovely friends in general (mostly fellow coursemates and friends of flatmates), who are kind, fun, clever, funny, sweet and generous. They've been wonderful and often say such kind things about me. If they keep this up, I'm in danger of increasing my self-esteem and confidence.

• Getting over my ex, fell in love again

One person in particular has been in my thoughts heavily this term. She's fantastic, and she's helped me realise that maybe my ex wasn't the only person out there for me, and there are other people I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It's really helped my healing, even if my chances of getting her aren't brilliant.

All in all, it's been a good year for me. 2006 was a complete bitch for me. Getting dumped basically summed it all up for me. 2007 was the hangover from 2006. 2008 was where things started getting better. Things have just been going quite well for me. The Prozac does help with coping when things go pear-shaped, but life is just getting better, which is making me a happier person. Let's hope 2009 continues this upward trend!

Love to you all, I hope any new year's eve celebrations you may be attending are fun!

AcidCat

An ice christmas

2 Mahoosive ice lumps + 2 crazy fun flatmates + late night - any form of alcohol = lots of silliness and fun!

I just chipped a huge block of ice from the back of each of our fridges and me and L--- decided to bring one to J-- (who has an exam tomorrow). I don't quite exactly know what happened next, but we've spent a little while throwing huge gobs of ice at each other (and dodging the debris), trying to put it down the backs of each other's clothing, making an ice sculpture (which we balanced on G---'s door handle). It was completely impromptu, and so much fun!

Flatmates, I love you all!

AcidCat

Random bits

You really can't go back. I went back to my old lab for a visit, but people had moved on. Was lovely to see my old boss though. And met the new people who were nice. Sadly met up with Jizznut who is still a nasty piece of work - which reminded me the main reason I was happy to leave.

Religious nutters seem to like me. Jehovah's witnesses even find me in shops (while off duty and incognito so I can't spot them and avoid them).

I can't work out what to do with the girl who I obsess about. Should I go cold turkey and avoid her to try and get her out of my mind and break this addiction? Should I try and stay clear of her so I don't fall into the "good friends" category so I maybe have a chance with her later? Should I just abandon hope of anything at all like that and go for friends so I can bask in her presence? I dunno!

I'm lucky enough to have friends who are kind enough to tolerate my company, and insanely seem pleased to see me. I'm very sad that I no longer share study groups with the one I didn't have a lovely cup of tea with this evening(!).

I am a bit of an eejit. I tried to goad a friendly flatmate into working, by saying that if she did 2 hours of solid revision I'd go out and buy her ice creams from Sainsbury's. I managed to guilt her into trying to work... but didn't think it through as it meant I had a late night cycle ride in the freezing cold to buy them. Not very bright of me, but hopefully in tomorrow's exam it will pay off. And it got her to go and sit in her room (hopefully working) for a little bit.

Enough random bits for the time being. My brain is turning off anyway.

AcidCat

It's Xmas!

Had my flat Xmas dinner today.

We had:
Prawn cocktail
Pigs in blanket (sausage wrapped in bacon)
Roast turkey crown with onion gravy
Roast parsnips
Roast potatoes
Roast sage and onion stuffing balls
Mashed sweet potato
Brussels Sprouts
Carrots
Viennetta icecream
Yule log
Tiramisu
(Didn't manage to squeeze in the mince pies).

The others drank mulled and fizzy wine (Cava). I had a more civilised gin and tonic.

It was fantastic.

I haven't done much work at all today, but I've had a brilliant day.

This work life balance thing has swung too far towards the "life" side of things. However, I think I'm now happy, which counts for a hell of a lot, and I've now also got "the fear", so from now until the exam, I think my work rate will increase markedly.

It was quite good fun to cook the turkey and trimmings (which went quite well), and we had so much fun cooking together as a flat and having dinner together. It was lovely to feel like I belonged, which is a rare thing for me, and something I've really wanted for a long time, even if it's for a short period.

I'm happy.

AcidCat

It's the little things

So there's a good chance I will never have the one that I love. But I got two little lifts today from some friends.

Unexpectedly, one of my flatmates bought me an advent calendar. He bought one for each of us, just because one of my international flatmates hadn't heard of them before. I'm not a huge fan of these commercial knick-knacks (I'm not even a huge chocolate fan), but just the action made me feel more loved.

Also spent a while chatting to a different friend. It was a nice feeling, as she confided some stuff to me, and I told her stuff that I don't tend to open up about. It's nice to feel trusted and to have someone you can trust.

I just need to get the work back on track, and then things will be good again.

AcidCat

Since the last episode...

Hi everybody!

As both of my readers may have noticed, I haven't posted for ages. This has mainly been due to my starting a new job, whilst trying to finish off a PhD thesis in the evenings and weekends, and sorting out everything that applying for a place to read graduate medicine entails (such as interviews, vaccinations and volunteering at a hospice), and partly due to my not having an internet connection at home, so posting requires me doing it from work, or using the WiFi connection down the pub. I've finally got a first draft of my thesis (yay!), which I hope will be winging its way to the examiners on Monday courtesy of DHL, so hopefully I will have time to post occasionally. And maybe even have a chance to go to sleep sometimes (the past few months have been a bit tough).

Anyway, as I haven't posted for a while, here is a whistle-stop recap of what I've been up to since Xmas.

• I've started a temporary 6 month job as a process chemist at a major pharmaceutical company in Loughborough.
  

It's really good fun and I am loving it. It is a really refreshing change to my PhD, where the chemistry didn't work, and it was a real hard slog, which made me feel like I didn't know anything. By contrast, this has rebuilt my chemistry confidence as I've had a lot of stuff work, and a fair amount of that success has been due to my research. Not all of it worked, but the difference in industry is that if it really doesn't work, you abandon it and look for an alternative. Not to mention that it's really well paid (for my student-mentality standards anyway). I liked it so much that I applied for jobs doing it permanently, including one where I have the temporary contract. Sadly not long before I was due to be called for interview at my workplace, there were global layoffs of 500 research staff - net result, freeze on hiring. No jobs. Oh well. At least I'm enjoying it now, and have a few more months to try and do something good and hopefully lasting.

• I've moved into a new flat

I have a little studio flat in Loughborough. It's recently been done up, so is all shiny and lovely, with polished, laminate flooring, washer-dryer, dishwasher and a double bed that falls into the wall (just as well, because if it didn't, the room would be pretty tiny). It's gated, and even got parking. It's so lovely! It's not expensive by southern standards of anywhere in the south-east. Only downside is that it doesn't have internet or a phone line, and I was quoted £150 to get it connected. Which would be a bit steep bearing in mind I'm only there for five months (should have been six, but the credit checking people messed me around, so my contract is shifted by a month, so I'll probably end up paying rent for a month I won't be living there. Sigh).

On which note, if you're looking for a letting agent in Loughborough, Aidan J Reed were excellent (who showed me around 3 houses, including my current residence), but the other two; Belvoir and Hartley Estates were laughably bad. Belvoir showed me round two properties: one was quite nice, but still being built and very overpriced, and the other was so bad that it looked like a squat. It was embarassingly bad. The guy from Harley Estates turned up, didn't care, showed me round a tiny overpriced room and was damn rude. Rant over. Anyway, I love my flat, but hate all the admin associated with moving into a new flat. Like council tax. Don't mind paying it, just hate all the paperwork.

• I've been accepted to study medicine!

Current status: one uni - rejection without interview, one uni - interviews for 4 and 5 year courses - awaiting offer, final uni - offer conditional on my finishing my PhD before the course starts! Pleasingly, that's my first choice university anyway. As it looks like no-one in the pharmaceutical industry feels like offering me a job, it makes my decision easy. It looks like I'll be off to learn to slice'n'dice people up in September! Which is really exciting!

I think these were the major bits of update that were needed so I'll round off this post here. Hope to see you soon!

AcidCat