Ok, suffering a horrible bout of depression. My mood is a roller-coaster at the moment, feels more like plunging falls than exciting twirls or gentle climbs. I feel terrified about this course, terrified about my social skills (or lack of them), terrified about how my family are doing, terrified about how I'm going to live in this house for another year.
Then I see ~R. And everything is wonderful. She almost makes me calm. She nearly makes me forget, and just enjoy the moment.
And then my mind screws things up worse by my realising how important she is to me. How she makes me feel. How much I love her. My mind twists the knife by bringing to my attention how much I need her, how much I rely on her.
But also how unworthy of her I feel. It feels like she's out of my league. I'm reduced to a simpleton in her presence because I'm in such awe of her.
She makes me smile and laugh inside from almost anything she does. I've got a little note in front of me from her that she wrote asking me to go to lunch with her today, and it still makes me stupidly happy.
And I can't bear the thought of losing her.
Aaargh. Why won't my mind just behave?
AcidCat
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Head over heels
She came back to visit for a few hours yesterday. I was so excited.
Being around her again, feeling her next to me, breathing her scent - it all left me incapable of intelligence. I just drowned in waves of happiness and contentment again.
It was over all too soon. Will have her back next week.
It's really terrifying to realise how far you've fallen for someone. How much power they hold over you. How happy you are when with them, how much is missing when they're away. I was hoping not to fall in love this badly - it makes it harder if/when it ends.
Love you.
AcidCat
Being around her again, feeling her next to me, breathing her scent - it all left me incapable of intelligence. I just drowned in waves of happiness and contentment again.
It was over all too soon. Will have her back next week.
It's really terrifying to realise how far you've fallen for someone. How much power they hold over you. How happy you are when with them, how much is missing when they're away. I was hoping not to fall in love this badly - it makes it harder if/when it ends.
Love you.
AcidCat
Monday, August 03, 2009
She loves me...
I've spent the last few days wondering if she loves me or not. I'm a bit paranoid because I got dumped last time after my ex went on a long summer holiday. Also, I really like ~R, so I really don't want it to come to an end. Luckily she sent me a little email today saying that she misses me and would like to hear my voice, so it's putting my mind at rest quite a bit. I really want to tell her I love her and miss her loads, but I understand there are "rules" that you don't come on too strong, so I'll wait for the time being.
In other news, I spent Saturday with my friend T---- and his two sisters (who are also both lovely) and went to see a comedian called Rhys Darby, who is apparently one of the actors in "Flight of the Conchords". It was a bit mixed, but it was a fun evening out (must admit that I preferred the comedian who was his support act). Went to a japanese restaurant called "Hare and Tortoise" near Russell Square tube station which was ok, but very good for the cheap price.
Sunday was spent hanging out with one of my post-docs from my PhD days called L---, who has recently moved to London. He's a lovely guy and I don't see him often enough, I don't think I've seen him for about a year. Anyway, we went to the Imperial War Museum, had crispy pork in Chinatown and walked round St. James' Park, giving us plenty of time to catch up.
It's been a good weekend. Except for receiving a letter from the evil people from NHS bursary who either ignored/missed my PhD funding, or are not allowing it as part of my self-support status. Either way, it's annoying and it's more admin for me to have to do... Grrr...
AcidCat
In other news, I spent Saturday with my friend T---- and his two sisters (who are also both lovely) and went to see a comedian called Rhys Darby, who is apparently one of the actors in "Flight of the Conchords". It was a bit mixed, but it was a fun evening out (must admit that I preferred the comedian who was his support act). Went to a japanese restaurant called "Hare and Tortoise" near Russell Square tube station which was ok, but very good for the cheap price.
Sunday was spent hanging out with one of my post-docs from my PhD days called L---, who has recently moved to London. He's a lovely guy and I don't see him often enough, I don't think I've seen him for about a year. Anyway, we went to the Imperial War Museum, had crispy pork in Chinatown and walked round St. James' Park, giving us plenty of time to catch up.
It's been a good weekend. Except for receiving a letter from the evil people from NHS bursary who either ignored/missed my PhD funding, or are not allowing it as part of my self-support status. Either way, it's annoying and it's more admin for me to have to do... Grrr...
AcidCat
Thursday, July 30, 2009
:-(
I sent my love an email telling her how much I miss her and love her. She sends me a very factual one back asking me to do a favour. No love, no kisses.
I hope this isn't an omen.
:-(
AcidCat
I hope this isn't an omen.
:-(
AcidCat
Monday, July 27, 2009
Jealousy.
Just got an email from ~R. It fills me full of warm, hug feelings. I've been anticipating an email from her for a while. I love her so much.
It mentioned the fact she had an admirer at one of her excursions. I'm not surprised as she's incredibly fun and beautiful, and she said that the admirer was no-where up to my level, but I still feel jealous. I wish I was with her now.
I love you ~R. Can't wait to see you again.
AcidCat
It mentioned the fact she had an admirer at one of her excursions. I'm not surprised as she's incredibly fun and beautiful, and she said that the admirer was no-where up to my level, but I still feel jealous. I wish I was with her now.
I love you ~R. Can't wait to see you again.
AcidCat
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Catching up
I realise I haven't put up a blog post for ages - last post was end of May, so I've gone the whole of June and most of July without updating. As a result, I'm just going to briefly list some of the salient points of the past two months so I feel like I've caught up. If I don't at least mention them here it will feel like I've got an itch that I can't quite scratch.
The main reason I haven't posted for most of this time is due to exam panic. I had a lot of exams around the beginning of July, so I spent a lot of time revising and panicking. I had an entire term's worth of work, which incidentally was the most difficult term of work so far (two modules, one on the musculoskeletal system (and skin) and one on neuroscience and psychiatry), so there was a lot of anatomy to learn. In addition I had a practical exam (OSCE) which tested any of the clinical procedures that we had learnt over the past year. As I only just scraped past the practice OSCE earlier this year, I was terrified. In the event I managed to pass all those exams acceptably well, so will be returning to university next year.
The other central part of my life recently has been the wonderful ~R. I've been spending a lot of time with her and think things have been going well. I'm very much in love with her and she makes me so very happy. I love being with her and having her near me. My addiction to her made it harder for me to concentrate on work, as my mind keeps drifting back to her. I'm really pleased that she too has passed her exams so will be coming back next year. However, she's away in America doing a project with her friend for the whole summer and I miss her lots. She won't be back until the holiday is over. I must admit I'm a bit scared that like my ex-, she'll come back and end the relationship. I really hope not. She's been gone less than a week (since Monday), but it feels like an age already.
Other things:
Well, my sister has moved into a new house that she has bought and it's really pretty. I'm looking forwards to the day I can afford my own house!
I've got a new house for next year, having moved out of student halls. I've moved in with three of my flatmates from this year and we have a little house just minutes from the hospital. It's quite nice, moving was a pain though and the kitchen is ant infested, the bathroom is crap, and the furniture is broken. My room itself is reasonably nice, having come second out of the hat when we were assigning rooms.
I'm off to Asia for two weeks with two of my flatmates at the end of August, just before term starts. One of them (J--) lives in Brunei, and offered to show us around, so myself and L--- are going to visit him. J-- has helped us organise going to Malaysia and Thailand as well, it's going to be amazing and I can't wait, but there's still a lot of organisation to do.
Until then, I've got a little job in the dissecting room. It involves removing all the soft tissue from the arm (below the shoulder blade), leaving only the bones and ligaments (and those muscles that prevent the top of the arm (humerus) falling out of the shoulder blade cup (glenoid fossa)). It pays minimum wage, but it's quite fun, and I'm learning anatomy as I go. There's also some other nice people doing it, so it's quite a fun experience.
Anyway, I'm getting tired, so I'm going to end this update here. If I can I'd like to keep going and maybe go into a bit more detail, but this will do for this post.
Goodnight everyone!
love
AcidCat
The main reason I haven't posted for most of this time is due to exam panic. I had a lot of exams around the beginning of July, so I spent a lot of time revising and panicking. I had an entire term's worth of work, which incidentally was the most difficult term of work so far (two modules, one on the musculoskeletal system (and skin) and one on neuroscience and psychiatry), so there was a lot of anatomy to learn. In addition I had a practical exam (OSCE) which tested any of the clinical procedures that we had learnt over the past year. As I only just scraped past the practice OSCE earlier this year, I was terrified. In the event I managed to pass all those exams acceptably well, so will be returning to university next year.
The other central part of my life recently has been the wonderful ~R. I've been spending a lot of time with her and think things have been going well. I'm very much in love with her and she makes me so very happy. I love being with her and having her near me. My addiction to her made it harder for me to concentrate on work, as my mind keeps drifting back to her. I'm really pleased that she too has passed her exams so will be coming back next year. However, she's away in America doing a project with her friend for the whole summer and I miss her lots. She won't be back until the holiday is over. I must admit I'm a bit scared that like my ex-, she'll come back and end the relationship. I really hope not. She's been gone less than a week (since Monday), but it feels like an age already.
Other things:
Well, my sister has moved into a new house that she has bought and it's really pretty. I'm looking forwards to the day I can afford my own house!
I've got a new house for next year, having moved out of student halls. I've moved in with three of my flatmates from this year and we have a little house just minutes from the hospital. It's quite nice, moving was a pain though and the kitchen is ant infested, the bathroom is crap, and the furniture is broken. My room itself is reasonably nice, having come second out of the hat when we were assigning rooms.
I'm off to Asia for two weeks with two of my flatmates at the end of August, just before term starts. One of them (J--) lives in Brunei, and offered to show us around, so myself and L--- are going to visit him. J-- has helped us organise going to Malaysia and Thailand as well, it's going to be amazing and I can't wait, but there's still a lot of organisation to do.
Until then, I've got a little job in the dissecting room. It involves removing all the soft tissue from the arm (below the shoulder blade), leaving only the bones and ligaments (and those muscles that prevent the top of the arm (humerus) falling out of the shoulder blade cup (glenoid fossa)). It pays minimum wage, but it's quite fun, and I'm learning anatomy as I go. There's also some other nice people doing it, so it's quite a fun experience.
Anyway, I'm getting tired, so I'm going to end this update here. If I can I'd like to keep going and maybe go into a bit more detail, but this will do for this post.
Goodnight everyone!
love
AcidCat
Monday, May 25, 2009
Three words
I
Love
You
Three words that change everything.
~R said that to me outside a cake shop in Chinatown. I had been uncharacteristically decisive - after having dinner together, we were thinking of getting dessert and she said she liked one of them. I said we should get it as take-away and strolled in and asked for one. Then I realised I had to choose one for myself - got flustered and finally chose something I recognised. This fit of general incompetence amused her when I sheepishly wandered out with her afterwards, and she told me she loves me.
It means so much to me coming from her. Especially after a slightly roller-coaster weekend where I've gone through a lot of emotions.
We spent Saturday evening and Sunday visiting ~R's best friend K---- who threw a small house party. I adore K----. She helped bat my corner when R- was suggesting that ~R should break up with me. K---- is also lovely and wonderful in her own right. She shares quite a few of ~R's qualities that I love about them both. It also doesn't hurt that she's always been really nice about me. She also told me that she liked the valentine's card I sent ~R. (Apparently, ~R thought that K---- had sent the card, so had thanked her for it. Cue much confusion when K---- knew nothing about it. I would have loved to have been there for that conversation!).
Spending time with her was fun, and it was good to see her happy. It was fun hanging out with her housemates and her friend S----, who was interesting but also had quite a lot of "interesting times" ahead of her. It was nice to meet K----'s love C----, who seemed very sweet, but not quite what I had pictured for her.
One downer for the weekend was my brain being my worst enemy. I don't know if my Prozac's not working brilliantly at the moment, or if my brain is physiologically playing up, or even if it's a reality check, but the voices that tell me that things are going to go wrong were shouting at me again. They told me that I'm not good enough for ~R, that I'm not interesting enough for ~R, that we aren't a good pairing. Worst of all, they were telling me that ~R's friend R- may be right: that this is all one sided and that I love ~R, but she isn't really that interested in me and that she's just going with the flow because I'm calming on her and make her happy. And that when she's sorted or twigs or finds the strength, then it's all going to be over. Problem with that is that I'm really too much in love with her now, and think that if it's going to end messily, it should be sooner rather than later.
I had a cut down talk with her about that on the way back - ~R is really perceptive and noticed that I looked sad, even though I was trying to hide it. I told her that I was sad from thinking about my family (which was true) and thinking about her - and that I was sad because I really like her and that it left me vulnerable about losing her. She told me that I meant a lot to her and that she wouldn't want to hurt me. I told her I knew this because she was a really good person, but I also said that sometimes feelings don't work like that. She told me that I had got to the point that I really mattered to her and that she didn't open up easily, but had opened up for me.
I love her so much. She's so lovely.
Good night my sweet. You make everything better. I love being with you. Spending time with you is wonderful.
AcidCat
Love
You
Three words that change everything.
~R said that to me outside a cake shop in Chinatown. I had been uncharacteristically decisive - after having dinner together, we were thinking of getting dessert and she said she liked one of them. I said we should get it as take-away and strolled in and asked for one. Then I realised I had to choose one for myself - got flustered and finally chose something I recognised. This fit of general incompetence amused her when I sheepishly wandered out with her afterwards, and she told me she loves me.
It means so much to me coming from her. Especially after a slightly roller-coaster weekend where I've gone through a lot of emotions.
We spent Saturday evening and Sunday visiting ~R's best friend K---- who threw a small house party. I adore K----. She helped bat my corner when R- was suggesting that ~R should break up with me. K---- is also lovely and wonderful in her own right. She shares quite a few of ~R's qualities that I love about them both. It also doesn't hurt that she's always been really nice about me. She also told me that she liked the valentine's card I sent ~R. (Apparently, ~R thought that K---- had sent the card, so had thanked her for it. Cue much confusion when K---- knew nothing about it. I would have loved to have been there for that conversation!).
Spending time with her was fun, and it was good to see her happy. It was fun hanging out with her housemates and her friend S----, who was interesting but also had quite a lot of "interesting times" ahead of her. It was nice to meet K----'s love C----, who seemed very sweet, but not quite what I had pictured for her.
One downer for the weekend was my brain being my worst enemy. I don't know if my Prozac's not working brilliantly at the moment, or if my brain is physiologically playing up, or even if it's a reality check, but the voices that tell me that things are going to go wrong were shouting at me again. They told me that I'm not good enough for ~R, that I'm not interesting enough for ~R, that we aren't a good pairing. Worst of all, they were telling me that ~R's friend R- may be right: that this is all one sided and that I love ~R, but she isn't really that interested in me and that she's just going with the flow because I'm calming on her and make her happy. And that when she's sorted or twigs or finds the strength, then it's all going to be over. Problem with that is that I'm really too much in love with her now, and think that if it's going to end messily, it should be sooner rather than later.
I had a cut down talk with her about that on the way back - ~R is really perceptive and noticed that I looked sad, even though I was trying to hide it. I told her that I was sad from thinking about my family (which was true) and thinking about her - and that I was sad because I really like her and that it left me vulnerable about losing her. She told me that I meant a lot to her and that she wouldn't want to hurt me. I told her I knew this because she was a really good person, but I also said that sometimes feelings don't work like that. She told me that I had got to the point that I really mattered to her and that she didn't open up easily, but had opened up for me.
I love her so much. She's so lovely.
Good night my sweet. You make everything better. I love being with you. Spending time with you is wonderful.
AcidCat
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Words
I spent an evening in the company of the incredible ~R, just stroking her hair and having her sit close to me. It was heaven.
When I was saying goodbye today, she was being sweet or fun (just generally wonderful) and I blurted out that I love her. This time though, she joked about it and seemed much more relaxed about it. I'm so happy.
Tomorrow I'll have a slightly less soppy post. I'm finally graduating with my PhD so will be blogging about that instead.
Till then, love you.
AcidCat
P.S. She said such beautiful things to me today. Things like "You make me happy" and other stuff. She said something particularly beautiful that made me melt inside, but I can't remember it - which I'm really gutted about.
P.P.S. Just remembered what she said. She said "You know, I'm growing really rather fond of you". Coming from her that was the sweetest, loveliest comment and it's still making me happy to think about it now.
When I was saying goodbye today, she was being sweet or fun (just generally wonderful) and I blurted out that I love her. This time though, she joked about it and seemed much more relaxed about it. I'm so happy.
Tomorrow I'll have a slightly less soppy post. I'm finally graduating with my PhD so will be blogging about that instead.
Till then, love you.
AcidCat
P.S. She said such beautiful things to me today. Things like "You make me happy" and other stuff. She said something particularly beautiful that made me melt inside, but I can't remember it - which I'm really gutted about.
P.P.S. Just remembered what she said. She said "You know, I'm growing really rather fond of you". Coming from her that was the sweetest, loveliest comment and it's still making me happy to think about it now.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Back to good
I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.
I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.
When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.
I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.
When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).
We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.
Love you ~R
AcidCat
I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.
When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.
I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.
When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).
We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.
Love you ~R
AcidCat
Thursday, May 07, 2009
:-(
I'm feeling really low.
After a tedious group presentation that I did most of the work for (but will get the same mark as my co-workers) and a pretty long shitty day, walking home with ~R made me seriously sad.
Yesterday, she went to visit one of her friends from her last degree who recommended that ~R dump me.
Basically, ~R feels that I like her a lot more than she likes me (which I think is probably true). She stuck the proviso in that she might like me more in the future, and that we should just see how things go. I don't know if this is really a reason for us to go our separate ways...
Anyway, I'm left feeling a bit confused and like I'm receiving mixed messages. She kissed me on the way back afterwards.
Damn. And just when I was starting to feel happy and that life was going my way. I'd even stopped taking Prozac for the past few days because I was feeling over the moon.
I think part of what pisses me off is that someone I've never met is encouraging ~R to dump me. I've been waiting for something like this to happen, so tried to treat all my time with ~R as a bonus, but I'm greedy: I've got a taste for it and I want more.
Damn.
AcidCat
After a tedious group presentation that I did most of the work for (but will get the same mark as my co-workers) and a pretty long shitty day, walking home with ~R made me seriously sad.
Yesterday, she went to visit one of her friends from her last degree who recommended that ~R dump me.
Basically, ~R feels that I like her a lot more than she likes me (which I think is probably true). She stuck the proviso in that she might like me more in the future, and that we should just see how things go. I don't know if this is really a reason for us to go our separate ways...
Anyway, I'm left feeling a bit confused and like I'm receiving mixed messages. She kissed me on the way back afterwards.
Damn. And just when I was starting to feel happy and that life was going my way. I'd even stopped taking Prozac for the past few days because I was feeling over the moon.
I think part of what pisses me off is that someone I've never met is encouraging ~R to dump me. I've been waiting for something like this to happen, so tried to treat all my time with ~R as a bonus, but I'm greedy: I've got a taste for it and I want more.
Damn.
AcidCat
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Love, love, love
~R
XXX
Such a happy day with you. Space medicine: interesting, inspiring stories and fun lecture. Evening of work and play together.
My paranoia keeps making me think that it's not all going as well as it seems. I really hope it's wrong.
Enjoy it while it lasts. Treat every day, every minute as a bonus.
AcidCat
XXX
Such a happy day with you. Space medicine: interesting, inspiring stories and fun lecture. Evening of work and play together.
My paranoia keeps making me think that it's not all going as well as it seems. I really hope it's wrong.
Enjoy it while it lasts. Treat every day, every minute as a bonus.
AcidCat
Monday, May 04, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Life's a beach
Another one of those amazing days.
Three day weekend stretching out ahead of me. Beautiful sun streaming down. Waking up refreshed from a good night's sleep.
Shortly after waking, I got a phone call from ~R asking whether I'd like to join her, her flatmate J--- and J---- who were driving to the seaside in Brighton. I was packed and ready by 11.
J--- drove us down in her beautiful Alfa Romeo. It was lovely to be leaving Tooting for the countryside. Sitting in the glorious sun next to ~R helped add to the occasion. Poor J--- had to put up with periods of horrible traffic for the bank holiday weekend, especially when we got near Brighton and looked for parking.
Lunch was at an Italian bistro called Opposition. It was pretty iffy with very bad service, but was cheap.
The day was lovely. We went to the seaside, but it was stony and freezing, so we didn't stay and we didn't even go for a paddle. A day of fun in the sun. We went to the park, wandered around the town listening to street music, went for afternoon tea and just generally had fun. I fell asleep on the drive back, which is probably for the best as it stopped me from staring at ~R quite as much. She noticed me "mooning" her and I think it freaked her out as it was (mooning as in staring, not mooning as in pointing my bottom at her). J--- was awesome, it was so incredibly kind of her to drive us around all day.
We spent the evening around J----'s drinking tea and gossiping. Then dinnertime arrived and J---- offered to feed us! We all chipped in with ingredients and helped with cooking till we had a delicious dinner of spring rolls, stir-fried prawn noodles, stir-fried vegetables with garlic and ginger (cooked by ~R who is every bit as good a cook as she says) and jasmine tea. We hung out till gone 11, where people started to wilt, so we went back to our respective flats. I came to ~R and J---'s flat to help carry some of ~R's cups (in reality I think ~R and J--- had enough hands between them).
J--- went to bed, and ~R and I kissed. She has the most soft, warm, enveloping lips, that just stop the world. She's so amazing and beautiful. The world just becomes a small place, but it's such a happy one. I went to bed as she has far more self-control than I do.
Life is wonderful.
I'm proud of myself for learning things, especially where I've learned and grown from my previous relationship. Like I'm treating every day I spend with ~R as a wonderful bonus; but one which could end at any time. So I enjoy myself with her, but make sure I don't take stuff for granted and don't think about "future". I'm not worrying about how much I like her compared to how much she likes me. Things are what they are: comparisons don't matter. I know I'm much more into her than she is to me: doesn't matter. I'm just enjoying stuff while it lasts.
What I do need to work on is being more relaxed around her; my brain just shuts down around her because I'm still just amazed and awed by her. It still disturbs her and she doesn't like it when I stare at her - this is one of the drawbacks of my enjoying stuff while it lasts: I want to drink in every moment of her beauty and the happiness I get while I'm around her while I can - so I stare a bit more than I should. And I'm not discreet so she keeps catching me.
We're making progress. She's less freaked out when I tell her how wonderful she is, and I think we're both a bit more happy with some light physical contact. And above all, she makes me so unbelievably happy.
AcidCat
Three day weekend stretching out ahead of me. Beautiful sun streaming down. Waking up refreshed from a good night's sleep.
Shortly after waking, I got a phone call from ~R asking whether I'd like to join her, her flatmate J--- and J---- who were driving to the seaside in Brighton. I was packed and ready by 11.
J--- drove us down in her beautiful Alfa Romeo. It was lovely to be leaving Tooting for the countryside. Sitting in the glorious sun next to ~R helped add to the occasion. Poor J--- had to put up with periods of horrible traffic for the bank holiday weekend, especially when we got near Brighton and looked for parking.
Lunch was at an Italian bistro called Opposition. It was pretty iffy with very bad service, but was cheap.
The day was lovely. We went to the seaside, but it was stony and freezing, so we didn't stay and we didn't even go for a paddle. A day of fun in the sun. We went to the park, wandered around the town listening to street music, went for afternoon tea and just generally had fun. I fell asleep on the drive back, which is probably for the best as it stopped me from staring at ~R quite as much. She noticed me "mooning" her and I think it freaked her out as it was (mooning as in staring, not mooning as in pointing my bottom at her). J--- was awesome, it was so incredibly kind of her to drive us around all day.
We spent the evening around J----'s drinking tea and gossiping. Then dinnertime arrived and J---- offered to feed us! We all chipped in with ingredients and helped with cooking till we had a delicious dinner of spring rolls, stir-fried prawn noodles, stir-fried vegetables with garlic and ginger (cooked by ~R who is every bit as good a cook as she says) and jasmine tea. We hung out till gone 11, where people started to wilt, so we went back to our respective flats. I came to ~R and J---'s flat to help carry some of ~R's cups (in reality I think ~R and J--- had enough hands between them).
J--- went to bed, and ~R and I kissed. She has the most soft, warm, enveloping lips, that just stop the world. She's so amazing and beautiful. The world just becomes a small place, but it's such a happy one. I went to bed as she has far more self-control than I do.
Life is wonderful.
I'm proud of myself for learning things, especially where I've learned and grown from my previous relationship. Like I'm treating every day I spend with ~R as a wonderful bonus; but one which could end at any time. So I enjoy myself with her, but make sure I don't take stuff for granted and don't think about "future". I'm not worrying about how much I like her compared to how much she likes me. Things are what they are: comparisons don't matter. I know I'm much more into her than she is to me: doesn't matter. I'm just enjoying stuff while it lasts.
What I do need to work on is being more relaxed around her; my brain just shuts down around her because I'm still just amazed and awed by her. It still disturbs her and she doesn't like it when I stare at her - this is one of the drawbacks of my enjoying stuff while it lasts: I want to drink in every moment of her beauty and the happiness I get while I'm around her while I can - so I stare a bit more than I should. And I'm not discreet so she keeps catching me.
We're making progress. She's less freaked out when I tell her how wonderful she is, and I think we're both a bit more happy with some light physical contact. And above all, she makes me so unbelievably happy.
AcidCat
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I've got a picture of you
I went to watch a DVD with ~R and her friend from uni called L-----. I saw my Valentine's card pinned up in her bedroom. It made me feel lovely; thinking about one of my actions making her happy.
:)
AcidCat
:)
AcidCat
First day of my life
This is the first day of my life-- First Day of my Life -- Bright Eyes
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go
And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”
So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me
Today is the first day of my life. Today was pretty mediocre as far as work goes. Lunch was lovely though as a few friends who ~R had told about us going on a few dates congratulated me and said nice things. Also got to sit with ~R for some of the lectures.
After work things were lots of fun. My flatmate J-- had finished exams, so his group were sat on the grass drinking, so I crashed the party for a little while which was fun.
~R had suggested that we could do something fun this evening, so I called in on her flat to see if she was still keen on going out. Some of her flatmates were around, and they were having food, so I had the lucky bonus of being fed and had some lovely tea and coffee. I do like all of her flatmates, so that was lovely. Her flatmates eventually trickled away, leaving me alone with ~R. She was tired which ruled out the original clubbing idea. We didn't like what was available at the cinema (Hannah Montana movie or 17 again?) and we were too late for the comedy night on the boat. We fancied going out, so decided to hit central London to escape from Tooting and hope to catch the last of the sun.
We went to Waterloo to walk along Bankside, but sadly missed the sun while on the tube - it was the post-dusk era. We spent some time along Bankside, admiring the view, seeing the photo exhibit that was up.
We were standing by the Thames staring at the view. I'm going to skip many of the details (even on an anonymous blog, some things need to be kept private). ~R told me some of the stuff that was on her mind. Lots of stuff I couldn't do anything about, or say anything to help. I was honoured that she felt comfortable enough to and decided to tell me. I told her what I thought and some of the things that were going through my mind.
And then we kissed.
I can't really explain much else for the evening. It was a time of happiness, glow, trembling, excitement, thrill, fear, love (on my part anyway), contentment, exhilaration. I can't do the feelings and sensations justice. It felt like floating, like spinning into the air - gliding. Everything.
We went for cake, but needed to get back at a comparatively civilised time (though it still wasn't that early - I think we started getting the train back at 11:30). I spoiled the evening slightly by being a bit obsessive and crazy about her. I keep staring at her; she's so beautiful and so wonderful - this makes her uncomfortable. I just got carried away, and my brain has gone completely AWOL. I also need to remember to keep things slow.
I had a wonderful evening. I don't think I've ever been so happy. I love ~R so much. I've just been in a happy daze.
I'm trying not to get too obsessed (it's arguable that it's too late for that). I realise that this may not be the happy ever after I'd love it to be, and it could easily end tomorrow. I need to keep one eye on how lucky I've been already: ~R has made me so happy over the past month. She's also excised thoughts of my ex from my mind - I can't remember when it happened, but I stopped thinking about my ex daily, and I don't feel a pang or pain when I do think of her (this happened even before I asked ~R out). I feel good about myself. She makes me feel positive about life, work, everything - and keep everything in perspective.
Phoenix ascending: 24 April 2009. Phoenix is fully reborn, and burning brightly. Unstoppable.
Love to all of you, but especially: love you ~R
AcidCat
PS. ~R, if you ever do read this: I wasn't joking, it wasn't just a line: it was the honest truth. I don't ever remember being as happy as I have since we've started hanging out together. Thank you.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I'll be watching you.
What is the difference between being a stalker and being in love?
I worry I've crossed the line and become a stalker.
AcidCat
I worry I've crossed the line and become a stalker.
- I've been (secretly) playing an online computer game because she plays.
- I've started changing what I eat in case that I am lucky enough to be close to her (so she doesn't suffer an allergic reaction.
- After she popped up for 10 minutes for a cup of tea, after she left an hour later, I used that same cup to drink out of, so my lips could touch the same place her lips had been.
AcidCat
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Warmth
Quick update.
I think I didn't mess up too badly by telling R----- that I love her; today, she's been telling a few more people that we're seeing each other. It gives me more warm fuzzies. I just wish we had more time to spend together. Just being with her makes me so happy. I hope I make her happy too.
Things are going well. Work is not ideal, but that's a side issue to me at the moment. I'm really glad R got her projects finished and handed in on time yesterday. I even got to sit with her for a little while on the grass as the sun went down, with one of her flatmates accompanying us. I had a few minutes with her on the grass at lunchtime today outside St. H hospital, and she looked so beautiful, just lying in the sun.
I have another early start tomorrow (just like today - we've been working out of different hospitals), so I'm going to go do a bit more work and then go to bed. And stop myself procrastinating.
AcidCat
I think I didn't mess up too badly by telling R----- that I love her; today, she's been telling a few more people that we're seeing each other. It gives me more warm fuzzies. I just wish we had more time to spend together. Just being with her makes me so happy. I hope I make her happy too.
Things are going well. Work is not ideal, but that's a side issue to me at the moment. I'm really glad R got her projects finished and handed in on time yesterday. I even got to sit with her for a little while on the grass as the sun went down, with one of her flatmates accompanying us. I had a few minutes with her on the grass at lunchtime today outside St. H hospital, and she looked so beautiful, just lying in the sun.
I have another early start tomorrow (just like today - we've been working out of different hospitals), so I'm going to go do a bit more work and then go to bed. And stop myself procrastinating.
AcidCat
Sunday, April 19, 2009
You say it best, when you say nothing at all
Sometimes I'm such an impetuous idiot.
I went for a cup of tea on the grass to watch the sun set with R-----. Because I've been bottling it up inside me for so long, I decided to tell R----- that I loved her. Despite the fact that it's so early that I'm not even sure you could call it a "relationship". Despite the fact I know she's "got issues". Despite the fact, I really don't know how she feels at all. Despite the fact she's got other things going on now.
The power of three words amazes me.
Unsurprisingly, she freaked a bit. If I was going to be rational about it all, she freaked a lot less than she had a right to, and I should have expected her to. She seemed shocked that I had said it so early and that I'd barely knew her. I had forgotten that a month ago, she had no idea that I really liked her, she's had weeks to get used to the idea, whereas I've been pining after her for over 6 months. I didn't tell her that, because for once, the impetuosity was filtered out somewhere between my brain and mouth - otherwise she would have freaked out (and I wouldn't be able to blame her - I worry I'm turning into a stalker).
After we changed subject though things went back to the normal fun. We had a long chat to procrastinate on instant messenger this evening, and she popped by briefly this evening so I think things are ok. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't such an impetuous idiot. Luckily, the amazing one said "Yes, but you are a lovely idiot". A sentence which made me love her all the more. Damn.
As she's not listening here, I can get away with it now.
I really love you, R-----. You make me feel so happy just by being around me. I feel sad when you're upset, but I'd still love to be with you no matter how you're feeling. But when you're happy and you're near, I feel that I've hit the jackpot and the world is the most incredible place. I can't promise you "forever" - I don't think you'd want me to, and it would be dishonest - I'm not psychic, I can't see what fate and the future holds. I can tell you though, that I've never felt this way about anyone before - ever. I've never met anyone who I've found so amazingly beautiful and attractive as you are. I've never met anyone who's as much fun to be with. I've never met anyone I'd rather spend time with - I can't even think of anyone I'd rather spend time with. You just glow with a radiance. I want to make you happy - it would make me ecstatic.
Luckily, I didn't say that to her, otherwise she'd probably be at an airport right now, in disguise, paying for a ticket to a mystery location. In cash. I just told her that I loved her.
Hell, since even before I asked you out, you're the reason I stopped thinking about my ex every day. I didn't even notice it. It was about bloody time, it's been over 3 years; it was time those scars faded. Thank you.
You're a major reason I'm determined to do well and stay at this course. I want you to be here. I want to be here with you. No more of this "I'm not sure" from me now. I'm focussed.
You inspire me to act how I want to behave. Do things well. I want to be good enough for you. I've noticed changes in my behaviour and outlook in life.
Thank you. You're incredible.
And the one fact I definitely want to keep hidden from you - you're so amazing, wonderful and fantastic that even if it doesn't end up working between us, I'm going to try my damnedest to stay your friend as you're unique and incredible. I thought that before with my ex, just when we were starting to date. However, this time having gone through it once, I'm trying to keep myself realistic and I think I'd be better at it. Hoping it doesn't come to that though.
I love you.
AcidCat
P.S. Just a random observation. Some of the best love songs don't have the word "love" in them. Example, Elton John's "Your Song". I came up with a few today, and not explicitly saying love means you end up working harder to express your feelings so it becomes more heartfelt and less cheesy (a la "Love is all around" or "I will always love you").
I went for a cup of tea on the grass to watch the sun set with R-----. Because I've been bottling it up inside me for so long, I decided to tell R----- that I loved her. Despite the fact that it's so early that I'm not even sure you could call it a "relationship". Despite the fact I know she's "got issues". Despite the fact, I really don't know how she feels at all. Despite the fact she's got other things going on now.
The power of three words amazes me.
Unsurprisingly, she freaked a bit. If I was going to be rational about it all, she freaked a lot less than she had a right to, and I should have expected her to. She seemed shocked that I had said it so early and that I'd barely knew her. I had forgotten that a month ago, she had no idea that I really liked her, she's had weeks to get used to the idea, whereas I've been pining after her for over 6 months. I didn't tell her that, because for once, the impetuosity was filtered out somewhere between my brain and mouth - otherwise she would have freaked out (and I wouldn't be able to blame her - I worry I'm turning into a stalker).
After we changed subject though things went back to the normal fun. We had a long chat to procrastinate on instant messenger this evening, and she popped by briefly this evening so I think things are ok. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't such an impetuous idiot. Luckily, the amazing one said "Yes, but you are a lovely idiot". A sentence which made me love her all the more. Damn.
As she's not listening here, I can get away with it now.
I really love you, R-----. You make me feel so happy just by being around me. I feel sad when you're upset, but I'd still love to be with you no matter how you're feeling. But when you're happy and you're near, I feel that I've hit the jackpot and the world is the most incredible place. I can't promise you "forever" - I don't think you'd want me to, and it would be dishonest - I'm not psychic, I can't see what fate and the future holds. I can tell you though, that I've never felt this way about anyone before - ever. I've never met anyone who I've found so amazingly beautiful and attractive as you are. I've never met anyone who's as much fun to be with. I've never met anyone I'd rather spend time with - I can't even think of anyone I'd rather spend time with. You just glow with a radiance. I want to make you happy - it would make me ecstatic.
Luckily, I didn't say that to her, otherwise she'd probably be at an airport right now, in disguise, paying for a ticket to a mystery location. In cash. I just told her that I loved her.
Hell, since even before I asked you out, you're the reason I stopped thinking about my ex every day. I didn't even notice it. It was about bloody time, it's been over 3 years; it was time those scars faded. Thank you.
You're a major reason I'm determined to do well and stay at this course. I want you to be here. I want to be here with you. No more of this "I'm not sure" from me now. I'm focussed.
You inspire me to act how I want to behave. Do things well. I want to be good enough for you. I've noticed changes in my behaviour and outlook in life.
Thank you. You're incredible.
And the one fact I definitely want to keep hidden from you - you're so amazing, wonderful and fantastic that even if it doesn't end up working between us, I'm going to try my damnedest to stay your friend as you're unique and incredible. I thought that before with my ex, just when we were starting to date. However, this time having gone through it once, I'm trying to keep myself realistic and I think I'd be better at it. Hoping it doesn't come to that though.
I love you.
AcidCat
P.S. Just a random observation. Some of the best love songs don't have the word "love" in them. Example, Elton John's "Your Song". I came up with a few today, and not explicitly saying love means you end up working harder to express your feelings so it becomes more heartfelt and less cheesy (a la "Love is all around" or "I will always love you").
Monday, April 13, 2009
Happy Eostre
Had a lovely Easter weekend. Helped my sister move house into a beautiful flat with an enormous garden. It was exhausting, but I was pleased to be able to help.
Otherwise spent the rest of the weekend with my family, and it was brilliant to see them. Spent time at the allotment getting the ground ready and just spent some good quality relaxation time - something which I rarely do.
I'm really happy. Being in love gives you a new-found outlook on life. I don't really know how to go and say hi to R-----, but I'm really looking forwards to seeing the amazing lady again. Facebook is a very dangerous thing for someone with tendencies towards stalking, but to see her status read "R----- is happy." gives me such a wonderful, warm, contented feeling.
AcidCat
Otherwise spent the rest of the weekend with my family, and it was brilliant to see them. Spent time at the allotment getting the ground ready and just spent some good quality relaxation time - something which I rarely do.
I'm really happy. Being in love gives you a new-found outlook on life. I don't really know how to go and say hi to R-----, but I'm really looking forwards to seeing the amazing lady again. Facebook is a very dangerous thing for someone with tendencies towards stalking, but to see her status read "R----- is happy." gives me such a wonderful, warm, contented feeling.
AcidCat
Saturday, April 11, 2009
May the Force be with us. Always.
Today I went to "Star Wars: A Musical Journey" with R----- at the O2. Fantastic. Anthony Daniels (C3P0 actor) narrated the evening, the music was the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra playing the John Williams score, and excerpts from the six films put on the big screen (which were well synchronised with the music). It was fantastic - even reminded me that Episodes I and II still had good bits. The music was really inspiring too, you leave thinking you can achieve anything - revolution!
However, no matter how good the actual event was - predictably the highlight of the evening was spending time with R-----. It was the most amazing evening I could remember. I did actually spend some time this evening trying to think when the last time I felt this happy, and I just couldn't remember. I felt more elated the day I passed my PhD, but for happiness, I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt like this.
For the first time, I really felt: "Hey, I think she likes me". She gave me a kiss on the cheek, we held hands and walked arm in arm and with my arm around her. We chatted about things and spoke about deep things (feelings and stuff). It was amazing.
I bought her flowers. I hope that wasn't too much too soon.
Anyway, life is amazing for me. Happy Easter to all of you! Hope you're all just as happy.
AcidCat
However, no matter how good the actual event was - predictably the highlight of the evening was spending time with R-----. It was the most amazing evening I could remember. I did actually spend some time this evening trying to think when the last time I felt this happy, and I just couldn't remember. I felt more elated the day I passed my PhD, but for happiness, I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt like this.
For the first time, I really felt: "Hey, I think she likes me". She gave me a kiss on the cheek, we held hands and walked arm in arm and with my arm around her. We chatted about things and spoke about deep things (feelings and stuff). It was amazing.
I bought her flowers. I hope that wasn't too much too soon.
Anyway, life is amazing for me. Happy Easter to all of you! Hope you're all just as happy.
AcidCat
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