PhD Graduation

I had my PhD graduation yesterday... It was a slightly anti-climactic occasion, but it was a nice way to draw a line under one section of my life.

I think this would be a good opportunity to do an awards-ceremony-style thank you list. Technically, I put one of those at the front of my thesis, but that was a formal one where I had to thank certain people and couldn't really be as honest and open as I would have liked. So here is an alternative acknowledgements page:

Firstly and foremost, thanks so much to Jon: my amazingly incredible supervisor. I couldn't really say how fantastic he is in my thesis - but then again, I don't think I have the words to say how brilliant he is anyway. He was an amazing person to work for: someone who genuinely cares about the wellbeing of his students, is incredibly intelligent, enthusiastic, patient; appreciates that we are human and need a life outside of the subject. Jon is incredible and I admire him greatly. I'm really grateful for him allowing me to work in his group.

I'm also really grateful to my industrial supervisor, Jan, who is really intelligent and gave me some really good ideas during the project. He actually spent time thinking about my work and how he could help me - more than most people in his situation do. He also looked after me very well while I was working in the industrial labs.

On that note - I'm really indebted to Merck, who helped to very generously fund my PhD, and also the EPSRC who also chipped in.

Thanks to my group members who have been a lot of fun to work with and who helped me through the tough times: chemistry and real-life. In particular in Jon's group: Dave, Simon, Luke, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Stuey, Ben and M---- (Sorry M----, but your name is just a bit too rare and would remove the anonymity). Also thanks to those of you who I've been lucky enough to share a lab with who have been fun and supportive to be around, especially: Ryan, Seb, Mell, Frankie, Stu and Filipa.

I suppose I ought to thank my ex, M--. She was supportive at the start, but to be honest she did far more damage to my PhD era at the end, so the two things cancel each other out. Well, thank you for the good times anyway.

On that note, thanks to all of you who helped pick me up when I fell (those darkest days). In particular, that would be my family, Jon, Luke, Simon, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Bren, Chris, Dave, Del, Chris and many, many more people. (Special thanks to you Wil and 'Chelle, for being there when I was literally alone in SF. You are possibly the kindest people I've met in the world - ever). But most of all, thank you Joolz. I really needed you, and you were always there. Thank you. I think I may have taken advantage of you a bit - I had fallen out of contact with you before hand, and we've drifted apart since - but you were always there, giving me time, listening to my tear-stained late-night phone calls. I can't thank you enough. Really.

The biggest thank you to my family though: that's you mum, dad, B---- and W--. You've always been there for me, unfailingly, unquestioningly, reliably. The one constant that I know I can rely on, always. Thank you - again, I can't say in words what you mean to me, it would sound hollow and wouldn't do you justice anyway. You're all the best.

And thanks to any of you who I haven't given an individual shout out to. You have made a big impact on my time during my PhD - I'm just having a brain melt. Thank you. I appreciate what you've done.

And on that self-indulgent note, thank you and good night!

AcidCat

Back to good

I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.

I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.

When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.

I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.

When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).

We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.

Love you ~R

AcidCat

No Happy Ending

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walking around
If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasting
And I'm wasting everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

-- Mika - Happy Ending

I've been depressed for the past few days and it's so frustrating. I can't get out of bed, I'm procrastinating worse than normal. It's time to hunt down the last few tabs of Prozac, I really need them.

Hoping for a better tomorrow

AcidCat

PS This Mika video really is worth seeing. I didn't like it at first (or the song) but give it a chance. It actually speaks to me so strongly, the words and tune are beautiful and actually have meaning but yet is catchy. The video makes me feel like there's hope. I need a balloon to lift me up to space, to float with the clouds and give me freedom.

Freedom from stress.
Freedom from sorrow.
Freedom from myself.