Fear

Ok, suffering a horrible bout of depression. My mood is a roller-coaster at the moment, feels more like plunging falls than exciting twirls or gentle climbs. I feel terrified about this course, terrified about my social skills (or lack of them), terrified about how my family are doing, terrified about how I'm going to live in this house for another year.

Then I see ~R. And everything is wonderful. She almost makes me calm. She nearly makes me forget, and just enjoy the moment.

And then my mind screws things up worse by my realising how important she is to me. How she makes me feel. How much I love her. My mind twists the knife by bringing to my attention how much I need her, how much I rely on her.

But also how unworthy of her I feel. It feels like she's out of my league. I'm reduced to a simpleton in her presence because I'm in such awe of her.

She makes me smile and laugh inside from almost anything she does. I've got a little note in front of me from her that she wrote asking me to go to lunch with her today, and it still makes me stupidly happy.

And I can't bear the thought of losing her.

Aaargh. Why won't my mind just behave?

AcidCat

Oh, life.

Dear xkcd.
Yet again, you hold a mirror up to life beautifully. Today, you summarise the neuroses that run through a male nerd's mind perfectly.



Seriously - I think this happens all the time, all over the place.

Dream egg

Last night I dreamed that all my co-workers found out that this was my blog. It actually scared the hell out of me - I admit to a fair amount of stuff here that I don't want most people to know.

I think I know why it happened - I've got a secret page here with a message for ~R that I never intended to publish. I accidentally hit "publish post" yesterday, so for a few seconds yesterday, a deeply personal story that I don't even want ~R to read was available. Gave me cold sweats for a few seconds - I'm glad that Google's archiver isn't that fast!

I'm going to be supremely careful about where I post from - only going to use computers that can't be traced back to me - and if so, I'm going to make sure I clear the history afterwards...

Paranoia, moi?

AcidCat

Head over heels

She came back to visit for a few hours yesterday. I was so excited.

Being around her again, feeling her next to me, breathing her scent - it all left me incapable of intelligence. I just drowned in waves of happiness and contentment again.

It was over all too soon. Will have her back next week.

It's really terrifying to realise how far you've fallen for someone. How much power they hold over you. How happy you are when with them, how much is missing when they're away. I was hoping not to fall in love this badly - it makes it harder if/when it ends.

Love you.

AcidCat

Perspective

If you're feeling miserable, small events can really change how you feel

• Like friends taking time out of a party to come knocking on your door to say hi and making sure you're alright. (Thanks M--- and M-- L---)
• Or an unexpected gift. (Thanks to my SSC supervisor M---- {I've been really lucky with good supervisors})
• Or having a enjoying having chat with a friend who seems pleased to see you (Thanks K--)
• Or getting helpful emails from my family (Thanks mum and sis)
• Or receiving any flavour of communication from someone you really love (~R xxx)
  
• Or even, hearing about people who really have things to be upset about. (I'm really sorry to hear your bad news S-----, my thoughts at the moment are with you and your family)

It's time for me to be more balanced. I still don't feel like socialising so will spend quite a lot of the near future on my own avoiding most people, but have to appreciate how lucky I am.

AcidCat

Summer Holiday

The first half of my summer was spent picking apart body parts. My dissection skills leave something to be desired. I was asked to do a deep dissection - let's just say I went a little bit deeper than they wanted, removing things enthusiastically. I could have really benefitted from a bit more supervision and help.

Second half of the holiday I spent about two and a half weeks travelling around Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Brunei and Kota Kinabalu (in Borneo) with my flatmate L--- (and J-- was in Brunei and Borneo).

The holiday was extremely frustrating. I really fell out with L---. We're like chalk and cheese. I found out that although travelling solo isn't ideal, it's better than a poor travelling companion. I didn't enjoy being the one who had to sort everything and didn't enjoy the general selfishness and lack of gratitude. To be honest, I'm pretty sure L--- didn't enjoy my company either, so I don't think I've got too much right to complain.

Anyway, I should concentrate on some of the highlights of the holiday to make me appreciate the good times out there. Some bits just stand out for me.

• Having the skin nibbled off my feet by "doctor fish" in Kuala Lumpur

"Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes. Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun" - Red Dwarf Theme.

Plunging my feet into a shallow pool filled with tiny fish which attack your feet was a really weird feeling. It's like having your feet firmly prodded and poked - a very ticklish sensation. It's a bit scary, my paranoid streak made me worried that there was a little gang of piranhas hiding somewhere, waiting to pounce. It did make my feet feel noticeably softer and the skin generally felt nicer. I'd really recommend it.

• Snorkelling with the fishes on the islands near Kota Kinabalu

I never understood the idea behind snorkelling before. Scuba - you could freely wander along the bottom, breathing happily from your big tanks of oxygen. Snorkelling - you have to swim right at the surface, and you still can get water in your snorkel and so you can't go deep.

And then I saw the fish.

The islands near Kota Kinabalu are wonderful for snorkelling. A short boat ride from Jesselton Point, you have the choice of 5 islands to explore. I snorkelled on two small ones - Mamutik and Sapi. The water was warm (bath temperature) and blue. The sand was white. The fish were amazing and diverse: such beautiful colours, different sizes and characters. So many beautiful corals beneath them (I still can't believe that they're alive). I risked my digital camera to try and take photos - putting it in a clear plastic bag and taking it underwater. Sadly this was my best photo...

Sadly there just wasn't enough light to get a good, clear, focussed one of fish with my cowboy underwater camera.

I also kept getting bitten by fish, not as pleasantly as the doctor fish (but no actual damage - getting scratched by corals was more painful).

Anyway, these were a few of my highlights of my holiday, I'll leave it there (coming back to it if I have time)

AcidCat

Back in the UK

I've been on holiday for the past two and a half weeks - exploring various parts of Asia - 3 countries. It's been fun in places and I've learned a hell of a lot about myself - may even stick a bit about it down here if I have time - I kept a diary while out there, but it would just be edited highlights.

Glad to be back though. Term has started, but I've had an easy start as I've been doing my project - I'm currently learning about the Alexander Technique. More to come about that soon.

I get to see ~R for the first time in 6 weeks tomorrow. I'm so excited and can't wait. A bit nervous again, but I'm just absolutely thrilled.

AcidCat

She loves me...

I've spent the last few days wondering if she loves me or not. I'm a bit paranoid because I got dumped last time after my ex went on a long summer holiday. Also, I really like ~R, so I really don't want it to come to an end. Luckily she sent me a little email today saying that she misses me and would like to hear my voice, so it's putting my mind at rest quite a bit. I really want to tell her I love her and miss her loads, but I understand there are "rules" that you don't come on too strong, so I'll wait for the time being.

In other news, I spent Saturday with my friend T---- and his two sisters (who are also both lovely) and went to see a comedian called Rhys Darby, who is apparently one of the actors in "Flight of the Conchords". It was a bit mixed, but it was a fun evening out (must admit that I preferred the comedian who was his support act). Went to a japanese restaurant called "Hare and Tortoise" near Russell Square tube station which was ok, but very good for the cheap price.

Sunday was spent hanging out with one of my post-docs from my PhD days called L---, who has recently moved to London. He's a lovely guy and I don't see him often enough, I don't think I've seen him for about a year. Anyway, we went to the Imperial War Museum, had crispy pork in Chinatown and walked round St. James' Park, giving us plenty of time to catch up.

It's been a good weekend. Except for receiving a letter from the evil people from NHS bursary who either ignored/missed my PhD funding, or are not allowing it as part of my self-support status. Either way, it's annoying and it's more admin for me to have to do... Grrr...

AcidCat

:-(

I sent my love an email telling her how much I miss her and love her. She sends me a very factual one back asking me to do a favour. No love, no kisses.

I hope this isn't an omen.

:-(

AcidCat

Jealousy.

Just got an email from ~R. It fills me full of warm, hug feelings. I've been anticipating an email from her for a while. I love her so much.

It mentioned the fact she had an admirer at one of her excursions. I'm not surprised as she's incredibly fun and beautiful, and she said that the admirer was no-where up to my level, but I still feel jealous. I wish I was with her now.

I love you ~R. Can't wait to see you again.

AcidCat

Catching up

I realise I haven't put up a blog post for ages - last post was end of May, so I've gone the whole of June and most of July without updating. As a result, I'm just going to briefly list some of the salient points of the past two months so I feel like I've caught up. If I don't at least mention them here it will feel like I've got an itch that I can't quite scratch.

The main reason I haven't posted for most of this time is due to exam panic. I had a lot of exams around the beginning of July, so I spent a lot of time revising and panicking. I had an entire term's worth of work, which incidentally was the most difficult term of work so far (two modules, one on the musculoskeletal system (and skin) and one on neuroscience and psychiatry), so there was a lot of anatomy to learn. In addition I had a practical exam (OSCE) which tested any of the clinical procedures that we had learnt over the past year. As I only just scraped past the practice OSCE earlier this year, I was terrified. In the event I managed to pass all those exams acceptably well, so will be returning to university next year.

The other central part of my life recently has been the wonderful ~R. I've been spending a lot of time with her and think things have been going well. I'm very much in love with her and she makes me so very happy. I love being with her and having her near me. My addiction to her made it harder for me to concentrate on work, as my mind keeps drifting back to her. I'm really pleased that she too has passed her exams so will be coming back next year. However, she's away in America doing a project with her friend for the whole summer and I miss her lots. She won't be back until the holiday is over. I must admit I'm a bit scared that like my ex-, she'll come back and end the relationship. I really hope not. She's been gone less than a week (since Monday), but it feels like an age already.

Other things:
Well, my sister has moved into a new house that she has bought and it's really pretty. I'm looking forwards to the day I can afford my own house!

I've got a new house for next year, having moved out of student halls. I've moved in with three of my flatmates from this year and we have a little house just minutes from the hospital. It's quite nice, moving was a pain though and the kitchen is ant infested, the bathroom is crap, and the furniture is broken. My room itself is reasonably nice, having come second out of the hat when we were assigning rooms.

I'm off to Asia for two weeks with two of my flatmates at the end of August, just before term starts. One of them (J--) lives in Brunei, and offered to show us around, so myself and L--- are going to visit him. J-- has helped us organise going to Malaysia and Thailand as well, it's going to be amazing and I can't wait, but there's still a lot of organisation to do.

Until then, I've got a little job in the dissecting room. It involves removing all the soft tissue from the arm (below the shoulder blade), leaving only the bones and ligaments (and those muscles that prevent the top of the arm (humerus) falling out of the shoulder blade cup (glenoid fossa)). It pays minimum wage, but it's quite fun, and I'm learning anatomy as I go. There's also some other nice people doing it, so it's quite a fun experience.

Anyway, I'm getting tired, so I'm going to end this update here. If I can I'd like to keep going and maybe go into a bit more detail, but this will do for this post.

Goodnight everyone!

love
AcidCat

Star Trek

Just saw the recent Star Trek movie with ~R.

I'm not a trekkie, but my only comment is this:

"See that movie, George? That is how you make a Sci-Fi prequel."

Om nom nom

This is for you.


from www.sinfest.net

Three words

I
Love
You

Three words that change everything.

~R said that to me outside a cake shop in Chinatown. I had been uncharacteristically decisive - after having dinner together, we were thinking of getting dessert and she said she liked one of them. I said we should get it as take-away and strolled in and asked for one. Then I realised I had to choose one for myself - got flustered and finally chose something I recognised. This fit of general incompetence amused her when I sheepishly wandered out with her afterwards, and she told me she loves me.

It means so much to me coming from her. Especially after a slightly roller-coaster weekend where I've gone through a lot of emotions.

We spent Saturday evening and Sunday visiting ~R's best friend K---- who threw a small house party. I adore K----. She helped bat my corner when R- was suggesting that ~R should break up with me. K---- is also lovely and wonderful in her own right. She shares quite a few of ~R's qualities that I love about them both. It also doesn't hurt that she's always been really nice about me. She also told me that she liked the valentine's card I sent ~R. (Apparently, ~R thought that K---- had sent the card, so had thanked her for it. Cue much confusion when K---- knew nothing about it. I would have loved to have been there for that conversation!).

Spending time with her was fun, and it was good to see her happy. It was fun hanging out with her housemates and her friend S----, who was interesting but also had quite a lot of "interesting times" ahead of her. It was nice to meet K----'s love C----, who seemed very sweet, but not quite what I had pictured for her.

One downer for the weekend was my brain being my worst enemy. I don't know if my Prozac's not working brilliantly at the moment, or if my brain is physiologically playing up, or even if it's a reality check, but the voices that tell me that things are going to go wrong were shouting at me again. They told me that I'm not good enough for ~R, that I'm not interesting enough for ~R, that we aren't a good pairing. Worst of all, they were telling me that ~R's friend R- may be right: that this is all one sided and that I love ~R, but she isn't really that interested in me and that she's just going with the flow because I'm calming on her and make her happy. And that when she's sorted or twigs or finds the strength, then it's all going to be over. Problem with that is that I'm really too much in love with her now, and think that if it's going to end messily, it should be sooner rather than later.

I had a cut down talk with her about that on the way back - ~R is really perceptive and noticed that I looked sad, even though I was trying to hide it. I told her that I was sad from thinking about my family (which was true) and thinking about her - and that I was sad because I really like her and that it left me vulnerable about losing her. She told me that I meant a lot to her and that she wouldn't want to hurt me. I told her I knew this because she was a really good person, but I also said that sometimes feelings don't work like that. She told me that I had got to the point that I really mattered to her and that she didn't open up easily, but had opened up for me.

I love her so much. She's so lovely.

Good night my sweet. You make everything better. I love being with you. Spending time with you is wonderful.

AcidCat

R.I.P

To my grandma who passed away yesterday - I'm thinking of you.

I didn't know you very well, but I met you a few times and you were nice to me. I know how much mum is missing you and hurting right now. When I think how I'd feel if my mum died, it makes me so sad.

Be strong mum, thinking of you too. Miss you.

Love
AcidCat

PhD Graduation

I had my PhD graduation yesterday... It was a slightly anti-climactic occasion, but it was a nice way to draw a line under one section of my life.

I think this would be a good opportunity to do an awards-ceremony-style thank you list. Technically, I put one of those at the front of my thesis, but that was a formal one where I had to thank certain people and couldn't really be as honest and open as I would have liked. So here is an alternative acknowledgements page:

Firstly and foremost, thanks so much to Jon: my amazingly incredible supervisor. I couldn't really say how fantastic he is in my thesis - but then again, I don't think I have the words to say how brilliant he is anyway. He was an amazing person to work for: someone who genuinely cares about the wellbeing of his students, is incredibly intelligent, enthusiastic, patient; appreciates that we are human and need a life outside of the subject. Jon is incredible and I admire him greatly. I'm really grateful for him allowing me to work in his group.

I'm also really grateful to my industrial supervisor, Jan, who is really intelligent and gave me some really good ideas during the project. He actually spent time thinking about my work and how he could help me - more than most people in his situation do. He also looked after me very well while I was working in the industrial labs.

On that note - I'm really indebted to Merck, who helped to very generously fund my PhD, and also the EPSRC who also chipped in.

Thanks to my group members who have been a lot of fun to work with and who helped me through the tough times: chemistry and real-life. In particular in Jon's group: Dave, Simon, Luke, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Stuey, Ben and M---- (Sorry M----, but your name is just a bit too rare and would remove the anonymity). Also thanks to those of you who I've been lucky enough to share a lab with who have been fun and supportive to be around, especially: Ryan, Seb, Mell, Frankie, Stu and Filipa.

I suppose I ought to thank my ex, M--. She was supportive at the start, but to be honest she did far more damage to my PhD era at the end, so the two things cancel each other out. Well, thank you for the good times anyway.

On that note, thanks to all of you who helped pick me up when I fell (those darkest days). In particular, that would be my family, Jon, Luke, Simon, Sarah, Paul, Phil, Bren, Chris, Dave, Del, Chris and many, many more people. (Special thanks to you Wil and 'Chelle, for being there when I was literally alone in SF. You are possibly the kindest people I've met in the world - ever). But most of all, thank you Joolz. I really needed you, and you were always there. Thank you. I think I may have taken advantage of you a bit - I had fallen out of contact with you before hand, and we've drifted apart since - but you were always there, giving me time, listening to my tear-stained late-night phone calls. I can't thank you enough. Really.

The biggest thank you to my family though: that's you mum, dad, B---- and W--. You've always been there for me, unfailingly, unquestioningly, reliably. The one constant that I know I can rely on, always. Thank you - again, I can't say in words what you mean to me, it would sound hollow and wouldn't do you justice anyway. You're all the best.

And thanks to any of you who I haven't given an individual shout out to. You have made a big impact on my time during my PhD - I'm just having a brain melt. Thank you. I appreciate what you've done.

And on that self-indulgent note, thank you and good night!

AcidCat

Words

I spent an evening in the company of the incredible ~R, just stroking her hair and having her sit close to me. It was heaven.

When I was saying goodbye today, she was being sweet or fun (just generally wonderful) and I blurted out that I love her. This time though, she joked about it and seemed much more relaxed about it. I'm so happy.

Tomorrow I'll have a slightly less soppy post. I'm finally graduating with my PhD so will be blogging about that instead.

Till then, love you.

AcidCat

P.S. She said such beautiful things to me today. Things like "You make me happy" and other stuff. She said something particularly beautiful that made me melt inside, but I can't remember it - which I'm really gutted about.

P.P.S. Just remembered what she said. She said "You know, I'm growing really rather fond of you". Coming from her that was the sweetest, loveliest comment and it's still making me happy to think about it now.

What a difference a weekend makes

I've gone from despair on Friday to feeling happy and content today. I missed out on an ebay auction I wanted by about £10 (a rather nice skeleton - I decided £100 was my limit), but I don't mind.

Had dinner with ~R and J---, then spent the evening with ~R trying to work. Wasn't super productive, but was more fun.

AcidCat

Weird

Weird feeling - saw my ex has joined facebook as she's commented on one of my friend's status.

I don't know how I feel - except a bit weird.

I don't want her anymore - especially now I've found someone absolutely amazing, but it just feels really strange to be reminded of her.

AcidCat

Back to good

I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.

I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.

When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.

I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.

When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).

We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.

Love you ~R

AcidCat