Dream egg

Last night I dreamed that all my co-workers found out that this was my blog. It actually scared the hell out of me - I admit to a fair amount of stuff here that I don't want most people to know.

I think I know why it happened - I've got a secret page here with a message for ~R that I never intended to publish. I accidentally hit "publish post" yesterday, so for a few seconds yesterday, a deeply personal story that I don't even want ~R to read was available. Gave me cold sweats for a few seconds - I'm glad that Google's archiver isn't that fast!

I'm going to be supremely careful about where I post from - only going to use computers that can't be traced back to me - and if so, I'm going to make sure I clear the history afterwards...

Paranoia, moi?

AcidCat

Dreaming of you

What's up in my heart when it skips a beat?
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

When I'm down and my hands are tied
I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line.
From this pain I just can't disguise
Its gonna hurt but I'll have to say goodbye.

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

Oh yeah

Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh, what can I do?
I still need you, but
I don't want you now.

-- Dreaming of you - The Coral

I was at my beloved's house party yesterday to celebrate her birthday. I can't exactly remember what happened, but I got her on her own and asked if she'd like to go and have lunch with me. She agreed and as I was leaving she said something like "Ooh! I'm going on a date!". Then when I came to take her out, she dumped me, leaving me in floods of tears. And then I woke up.

I saw her in lectures today and chatted to her. I adore her. It's the first day I've spoken to her properly as she's been away suffering from illness for a good while.

She's away this weekend seeing her dad. It makes me feel free in a way as I won't think about whether I'll bump into her or anything like that.

I wish I could get you out of my head or just make you mine.

Love you

AcidCat

I just can't get you out of my head

I just can’t get you out of my head,
Boy your love is all I think about.
I just can’t get you out of my head,
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about.

--Kylie Minogue - "Can't get you out of my head"

This is kind of a continuation of the last post. Being in love is really helping me get over my ex. It's much less painful to think about her. In fact, I had a dream recently about meeting up with my ex, and the experience (in the dream wasn't too bad). It feels like I'm on the road to recovery.

The only problem is I really (REALLY) want this girl so badly. I don't need to keep listing her virtues, I think my last post makes my point clear. As the post title suggests, she's been haunting my thoughts. When I daydream, it's about her. She's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It's really hard to concentrate on anything or anyone else when we're in the same room together (which makes lectures rather difficult).

It makes me develop stalkerish behaviour that I have to keep fighting off. I want to be with her and around her, as she lifts my spirits. We went to try out a sport club tonight which was fun (especially as it meant I got her to myself for the walk down and walk back). It made me realise that I'd happily go and watch a competitive paint-drying tournament with her, if it just meant I could spend time with her.

Down-sides: On the walk back, she talked a bit about her ex, and how she's happy to be single and enjoying it. Now, as you can guess, she's not a stupid girl (in fact, she's the complete opposite). I'm wondering if this means she's enjoying being single, or if she's realised that I'm head-over-heels, crazy about her, and this is her idea of letting me down gently.

To be honest, I don't know if I'd ask her out anyway. I don't know if that's just me being a coward, or not wanting to make things awkward with the one person I really look forward to seeing, or it not being the right time (we're both so mad busy at the moment).

She is the centre of my universe. I love her. I know what love means. I've been in love before. This is the real thing. Not just a crush.

AcidCat

Scar tissue

Scar tissue - A problem encountered when connecting a DVD player to a TV set.

I was driving back to Loughborough last night for hopefully my final time, and I realised that I'm starting to heal. Things aren't bad. I could even start thinking about her and thinking she wasn't the centre of my universe. I feel like I'm moving on and can start the next section of my life.

I think the end of PhD and being able to close one era of my life helps. I can leave the past behind me and look forwards, not back. I don't like to think about her in too much detail as I don't want to rip off the scar just as it's healing, but at least it's progress.

To underline it all, she haunted my dreams again last night and everything was all good. I don't want to go into details, but when the dream ended upon my awakening, I didn't feel despair. Certainly, I would have rather the dream was a reality, but the fact I can just enjoy the experience on waking is progress.

I feel better. It's about time things started to heal and fade. It's been nearly two years - about bloody time.

AcidCat

So tired of being alone

Hi everybody!

Sorry for the lack of updates. Still wrestling with absence of internet connection.

Anyway, todays post is a whinge with me feeling sorry for myself.

Even though my heartbreak happened about a year and a half ago, it still hurts. I've thought about her every day since (I thought that was just a cliche until it happened to me). Time is making it less raw, and the occasional dream is helping me to deal with it (mainly by making me think about it despite my not wanting to. I believe in the healing power of dreams**). It's still knocked me sideways, and stripped out my confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes I can hide it for a bit and play the extrovert for a short while, but I've retreated into a protective shell, where things can't hurt me.

I've concentrated on getting my work life where I want it, as it's something I actually have some control over, as it relies less on other people, and more on myself. I've tried to find a career that will be satisfying and I can thrown myself into (hence my plans to start medical training) so I can cope with being alone, possibly for the rest of my life.

However, yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from a while back. She was one of the people who really helped me through when it all went wrong two Septembers ago. We just met to catch up as I hadn't seen her for over a year, and she and I were vaguely in the area.

I had a fab time with her. Problem is, it made me realise that no matter how satisfying the career, I don't think I can be alone forever.

I really like her. She's funny, cool, kind, interesting, outgoing, special, unique, pretty and just all round amazing. Sadly, she's totally out of my league, and I'm reasonably certain not even remotely interested in me. (It's still cool to be her friend anyway). But just an afternoon of wandering around chatting, looking at art that I'm normally not the slightest bit interested in and just wasting time over coffee made me realise how much I miss that companionship with an amazing person that I can look up to.

I think until I sort out my self-esteem and confidence issues though, I don't think I'll ever find anyone at all.

And on that slightly melancholy note, good bye everybody

AcidCat


** Dreams are amazing things. When you're put through a trauma your subconscious seems to try and help you via your dream state with what you need to get better in the long run, which doesn't necessarily coincide with what you want or need in the short term. When I first got dumped and was in the lowest state in my entire life, I kept having dreams that it hadn't happened. It meant that for an hour or two every so often I was actually happy and at peace (this coincided with my insomnia, so even my subconscious couldn't keep up a facade that long). After a bit, they turned to dreams without her in them which gave me the space to start getting over it all. Recently I had one where she was in my dream, (I had met up with her for some reason), and but I knew it was over, and she kept mentioning it (despite me constantly telling her not to). I think it signalled acceptance.

What I don't think dreams are any more are signs. At first post-split, with the dreams where everything was fine, I thought (or hoped) that it was a sign that things would be fine. Apparently it's common for people post-bereavement to dream about their lost loved ones. I don't actually think it's a message from beyond or anything like that. Just treat it as a happy memory. A dream.

Only in my dreams

I dreamed of her again last night.

I dreamed we gave it a new chance. I don't remember much, except that I felt really happy and remembered saying "I don't really mind about anything else, if we can just have a chance of making it all work, I'll be happy to try anything". It was a real shock waking up again, it felt so real.

I wonder if it's my sub-conscious trying to help me heal. It's making me realise that I'm not at all over her, and it helps me understand my feelings for her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and I now understand that despite hating what she's done to me, I still love her so much. I still regret not doing enough to keep her.

So if you're lucky enough to have a loved one, make them feel special today. Tomorrow may be too late.

AcidCat

PS I realise this post is very similar to another one I wrote in January, but it reflects what I need to write now.

Only in my dreams

Last night I had a dream I was in the town where I met The One who Got Away. It's not unreasonable, next week I'm moving back there for a few months. I dreamed we decided to give it another go. It felt fantastic. It was a shock to wake up again, and not really pleasant. I did feel whole again for the time I was dreaming.

I thought I'd got past those dreams. I'd rather not think about it at all, than have these moments of happiness which vanish like a haze on waking.

AcidCat