Words

I spent an evening in the company of the incredible ~R, just stroking her hair and having her sit close to me. It was heaven.

When I was saying goodbye today, she was being sweet or fun (just generally wonderful) and I blurted out that I love her. This time though, she joked about it and seemed much more relaxed about it. I'm so happy.

Tomorrow I'll have a slightly less soppy post. I'm finally graduating with my PhD so will be blogging about that instead.

Till then, love you.

AcidCat

P.S. She said such beautiful things to me today. Things like "You make me happy" and other stuff. She said something particularly beautiful that made me melt inside, but I can't remember it - which I'm really gutted about.

P.P.S. Just remembered what she said. She said "You know, I'm growing really rather fond of you". Coming from her that was the sweetest, loveliest comment and it's still making me happy to think about it now.

What a difference a weekend makes

I've gone from despair on Friday to feeling happy and content today. I missed out on an ebay auction I wanted by about £10 (a rather nice skeleton - I decided £100 was my limit), but I don't mind.

Had dinner with ~R and J---, then spent the evening with ~R trying to work. Wasn't super productive, but was more fun.

AcidCat

Weird

Weird feeling - saw my ex has joined facebook as she's commented on one of my friend's status.

I don't know how I feel - except a bit weird.

I don't want her anymore - especially now I've found someone absolutely amazing, but it just feels really strange to be reminded of her.

AcidCat

Back to good

I spent today in a pretty bad mood. I was trying to get my head in the mindset of being just friends with ~R and ended up acting distant to her. I didn't think it was a problem until everything was over for the day and she came up to me and commented that I was a "bit off" and asked if everything was alright with me.

I wasn't really expecting this, and don't even remember what I said. I do remember that she seemed a bit upset and asked me to get in contact with her if I felt like hanging out tonight. After I recovered from the surprise, I felt guilty about the way I treated her and resolved to speak to her when I got back home. Annoyingly though, when I got back she wasn't picking up her mobile and wasn't answering her Skype (despite appearing to be online), so to try and work through my bad mood, I went off to play football at the suggestion of my friend T----. It was quite fun, but the thoughts of ~R and how it seemed like it would end very messily played on my mind, so after a while I just wasn't enjoying it at all.

When I returned to my flat, I saw missed calls from ~R and a text message asking if I rang. I rang her straight back, only to find that she was out, having been taken to see the new Star Trek movie by J--- to help cheer her up. When she asked if I wanted to speak to her to tell her that I didn't like her and sounded disappointed, I thought that I may still have a chance. I told her I wanted to apologise for how I was today and asked to speak to her when she got back from the cinema.

I went to gymnastics to distract me (and just because it's fun). I'm making some inroads, with a reasonable round-off, and making progress with the straight-armed backward roll. The people at gymnastics are really nice and it's always fun to see them.

When I got back, I found a text message from ~R saying she was back. I showered, changed and called on ~R. I went to apologise and explain how I thought that she was about to end the relationship and how upset that was making me feel (and how similar to how I got dumped by my ex the whole situation was). It quickly became clear that this wasn't how she felt, and that I had upset her (partly by making her think that I wanted to end it (and I think partly for acting like a complete idiot)).

We sorted it all out and I think we're both happy now. I'm feeling very happy and I love her as much as ever. She makes me feel so good, and I love spending time with her. Even if it panics her when she realises the depth of my feelings for her.

Love you ~R

AcidCat

Don't worry, be happy

As you might have guessed from my previous blog post today, I haven't been a happy bunny. I had a little nap after posting which made things a bit better, but was still angry and miserable. I've stomped around feeling withdrawn and been polite to my flatmates but nothing more sociable, despite their best efforts when I went into the kitchen.

Work was failing. I decided to cut my losses and go to the gym, hoping to exercise out some of my sadness and negative feelings. Annoyingly, the punchbag was being used, so I was limited to working on cardio. It helped a bit, I felt that things were a bit more in perspective - but I was still fed up.

But then, when I came home, I found this stuck to my door:



I don't know who's responsible (I'm pretty sure J-- was involved, and possibly E---- and L---) but it gave me a huge lift. It's so good to know people care. I was thinking really uncharitable thoughts about several of my flatmates recently, so this has really shown me something different.

I've left it pinned to my door for the time being, but I may move it to somewhere I can see it more often. It's wonderful.

Thanks very much guys. I needed that badly. I'm not feeling great, but I feel that I can cope.

AcidCat

:-(

I'm feeling really low.

After a tedious group presentation that I did most of the work for (but will get the same mark as my co-workers) and a pretty long shitty day, walking home with ~R made me seriously sad.

Yesterday, she went to visit one of her friends from her last degree who recommended that ~R dump me.

Basically, ~R feels that I like her a lot more than she likes me (which I think is probably true). She stuck the proviso in that she might like me more in the future, and that we should just see how things go. I don't know if this is really a reason for us to go our separate ways...

Anyway, I'm left feeling a bit confused and like I'm receiving mixed messages. She kissed me on the way back afterwards.

Damn. And just when I was starting to feel happy and that life was going my way. I'd even stopped taking Prozac for the past few days because I was feeling over the moon.

I think part of what pisses me off is that someone I've never met is encouraging ~R to dump me. I've been waiting for something like this to happen, so tried to treat all my time with ~R as a bonus, but I'm greedy: I've got a taste for it and I want more.

Damn.

AcidCat

Love, love, love

~R

XXX

Such a happy day with you. Space medicine: interesting, inspiring stories and fun lecture. Evening of work and play together.

My paranoia keeps making me think that it's not all going as well as it seems. I really hope it's wrong.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Treat every day, every minute as a bonus.

AcidCat

:-)

~R

<3

xxx

AcidCat

Life's a beach

Another one of those amazing days.

Three day weekend stretching out ahead of me. Beautiful sun streaming down. Waking up refreshed from a good night's sleep.

Shortly after waking, I got a phone call from ~R asking whether I'd like to join her, her flatmate J--- and J---- who were driving to the seaside in Brighton. I was packed and ready by 11.

J--- drove us down in her beautiful Alfa Romeo. It was lovely to be leaving Tooting for the countryside. Sitting in the glorious sun next to ~R helped add to the occasion. Poor J--- had to put up with periods of horrible traffic for the bank holiday weekend, especially when we got near Brighton and looked for parking.

Lunch was at an Italian bistro called Opposition. It was pretty iffy with very bad service, but was cheap.

The day was lovely. We went to the seaside, but it was stony and freezing, so we didn't stay and we didn't even go for a paddle. A day of fun in the sun. We went to the park, wandered around the town listening to street music, went for afternoon tea and just generally had fun. I fell asleep on the drive back, which is probably for the best as it stopped me from staring at ~R quite as much. She noticed me "mooning" her and I think it freaked her out as it was (mooning as in staring, not mooning as in pointing my bottom at her). J--- was awesome, it was so incredibly kind of her to drive us around all day.

We spent the evening around J----'s drinking tea and gossiping. Then dinnertime arrived and J---- offered to feed us! We all chipped in with ingredients and helped with cooking till we had a delicious dinner of spring rolls, stir-fried prawn noodles, stir-fried vegetables with garlic and ginger (cooked by ~R who is every bit as good a cook as she says) and jasmine tea. We hung out till gone 11, where people started to wilt, so we went back to our respective flats. I came to ~R and J---'s flat to help carry some of ~R's cups (in reality I think ~R and J--- had enough hands between them).

J--- went to bed, and ~R and I kissed. She has the most soft, warm, enveloping lips, that just stop the world. She's so amazing and beautiful. The world just becomes a small place, but it's such a happy one. I went to bed as she has far more self-control than I do.

Life is wonderful.

I'm proud of myself for learning things, especially where I've learned and grown from my previous relationship. Like I'm treating every day I spend with ~R as a wonderful bonus; but one which could end at any time. So I enjoy myself with her, but make sure I don't take stuff for granted and don't think about "future". I'm not worrying about how much I like her compared to how much she likes me. Things are what they are: comparisons don't matter. I know I'm much more into her than she is to me: doesn't matter. I'm just enjoying stuff while it lasts.

What I do need to work on is being more relaxed around her; my brain just shuts down around her because I'm still just amazed and awed by her. It still disturbs her and she doesn't like it when I stare at her - this is one of the drawbacks of my enjoying stuff while it lasts: I want to drink in every moment of her beauty and the happiness I get while I'm around her while I can - so I stare a bit more than I should. And I'm not discreet so she keeps catching me.

We're making progress. She's less freaked out when I tell her how wonderful she is, and I think we're both a bit more happy with some light physical contact. And above all, she makes me so unbelievably happy.

AcidCat

I've got a picture of you

I went to watch a DVD with ~R and her friend from uni called L-----. I saw my Valentine's card pinned up in her bedroom. It made me feel lovely; thinking about one of my actions making her happy.

:)

AcidCat

First day of my life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

-- First Day of my Life -- Bright Eyes

Today is the first day of my life. Today was pretty mediocre as far as work goes. Lunch was lovely though as a few friends who ~R had told about us going on a few dates congratulated me and said nice things. Also got to sit with ~R for some of the lectures.

After work things were lots of fun. My flatmate J-- had finished exams, so his group were sat on the grass drinking, so I crashed the party for a little while which was fun.

~R had suggested that we could do something fun this evening, so I called in on her flat to see if she was still keen on going out. Some of her flatmates were around, and they were having food, so I had the lucky bonus of being fed and had some lovely tea and coffee. I do like all of her flatmates, so that was lovely. Her flatmates eventually trickled away, leaving me alone with ~R. She was tired which ruled out the original clubbing idea. We didn't like what was available at the cinema (Hannah Montana movie or 17 again?) and we were too late for the comedy night on the boat. We fancied going out, so decided to hit central London to escape from Tooting and hope to catch the last of the sun.

We went to Waterloo to walk along Bankside, but sadly missed the sun while on the tube - it was the post-dusk era. We spent some time along Bankside, admiring the view, seeing the photo exhibit that was up.

We were standing by the Thames staring at the view. I'm going to skip many of the details (even on an anonymous blog, some things need to be kept private). ~R told me some of the stuff that was on her mind. Lots of stuff I couldn't do anything about, or say anything to help. I was honoured that she felt comfortable enough to and decided to tell me. I told her what I thought and some of the things that were going through my mind.

And then we kissed.

I can't really explain much else for the evening. It was a time of happiness, glow, trembling, excitement, thrill, fear, love (on my part anyway), contentment, exhilaration. I can't do the feelings and sensations justice. It felt like floating, like spinning into the air - gliding. Everything.

We went for cake, but needed to get back at a comparatively civilised time (though it still wasn't that early - I think we started getting the train back at 11:30). I spoiled the evening slightly by being a bit obsessive and crazy about her. I keep staring at her; she's so beautiful and so wonderful - this makes her uncomfortable. I just got carried away, and my brain has gone completely AWOL. I also need to remember to keep things slow.

I had a wonderful evening. I don't think I've ever been so happy. I love ~R so much. I've just been in a happy daze.

I'm trying not to get too obsessed (it's arguable that it's too late for that). I realise that this may not be the happy ever after I'd love it to be, and it could easily end tomorrow. I need to keep one eye on how lucky I've been already: ~R has made me so happy over the past month. She's also excised thoughts of my ex from my mind - I can't remember when it happened, but I stopped thinking about my ex daily, and I don't feel a pang or pain when I do think of her (this happened even before I asked ~R out). I feel good about myself. She makes me feel positive about life, work, everything - and keep everything in perspective.

Phoenix ascending: 24 April 2009. Phoenix is fully reborn, and burning brightly. Unstoppable.

Love to all of you, but especially: love you ~R

AcidCat

PS. ~R, if you ever do read this: I wasn't joking, it wasn't just a line: it was the honest truth. I don't ever remember being as happy as I have since we've started hanging out together. Thank you.

I'll be watching you.

What is the difference between being a stalker and being in love?

I worry I've crossed the line and become a stalker.

1. I've been (secretly) playing an online computer game because she plays.
2. I've started changing what I eat in case that I am lucky enough to be close to her (so she doesn't suffer an allergic reaction.
3. After she popped up for 10 minutes for a cup of tea, after she left an hour later, I used that same cup to drink out of, so my lips could touch the same place her lips had been.

I think I keep doing other things as well, but that disturbs me enough, so I'm going to stop there.

AcidCat

Warmth

Quick update.

I think I didn't mess up too badly by telling R----- that I love her; today, she's been telling a few more people that we're seeing each other. It gives me more warm fuzzies. I just wish we had more time to spend together. Just being with her makes me so happy. I hope I make her happy too.

Things are going well. Work is not ideal, but that's a side issue to me at the moment. I'm really glad R got her projects finished and handed in on time yesterday. I even got to sit with her for a little while on the grass as the sun went down, with one of her flatmates accompanying us. I had a few minutes with her on the grass at lunchtime today outside St. H hospital, and she looked so beautiful, just lying in the sun.

I have another early start tomorrow (just like today - we've been working out of different hospitals), so I'm going to go do a bit more work and then go to bed. And stop myself procrastinating.

AcidCat

You say it best, when you say nothing at all

Sometimes I'm such an impetuous idiot.

I went for a cup of tea on the grass to watch the sun set with R-----. Because I've been bottling it up inside me for so long, I decided to tell R----- that I loved her. Despite the fact that it's so early that I'm not even sure you could call it a "relationship". Despite the fact I know she's "got issues". Despite the fact, I really don't know how she feels at all. Despite the fact she's got other things going on now.

The power of three words amazes me.

Unsurprisingly, she freaked a bit. If I was going to be rational about it all, she freaked a lot less than she had a right to, and I should have expected her to. She seemed shocked that I had said it so early and that I'd barely knew her. I had forgotten that a month ago, she had no idea that I really liked her, she's had weeks to get used to the idea, whereas I've been pining after her for over 6 months. I didn't tell her that, because for once, the impetuosity was filtered out somewhere between my brain and mouth - otherwise she would have freaked out (and I wouldn't be able to blame her - I worry I'm turning into a stalker).

After we changed subject though things went back to the normal fun. We had a long chat to procrastinate on instant messenger this evening, and she popped by briefly this evening so I think things are ok. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't such an impetuous idiot. Luckily, the amazing one said "Yes, but you are a lovely idiot". A sentence which made me love her all the more. Damn.

As she's not listening here, I can get away with it now.

I really love you, R-----. You make me feel so happy just by being around me. I feel sad when you're upset, but I'd still love to be with you no matter how you're feeling. But when you're happy and you're near, I feel that I've hit the jackpot and the world is the most incredible place. I can't promise you "forever" - I don't think you'd want me to, and it would be dishonest - I'm not psychic, I can't see what fate and the future holds. I can tell you though, that I've never felt this way about anyone before - ever. I've never met anyone who I've found so amazingly beautiful and attractive as you are. I've never met anyone who's as much fun to be with. I've never met anyone I'd rather spend time with - I can't even think of anyone I'd rather spend time with. You just glow with a radiance. I want to make you happy - it would make me ecstatic.

Luckily, I didn't say that to her, otherwise she'd probably be at an airport right now, in disguise, paying for a ticket to a mystery location. In cash. I just told her that I loved her.

Hell, since even before I asked you out, you're the reason I stopped thinking about my ex every day. I didn't even notice it. It was about bloody time, it's been over 3 years; it was time those scars faded. Thank you.

You're a major reason I'm determined to do well and stay at this course. I want you to be here. I want to be here with you. No more of this "I'm not sure" from me now. I'm focussed.

You inspire me to act how I want to behave. Do things well. I want to be good enough for you. I've noticed changes in my behaviour and outlook in life.

Thank you. You're incredible.

And the one fact I definitely want to keep hidden from you - you're so amazing, wonderful and fantastic that even if it doesn't end up working between us, I'm going to try my damnedest to stay your friend as you're unique and incredible. I thought that before with my ex, just when we were starting to date. However, this time having gone through it once, I'm trying to keep myself realistic and I think I'd be better at it. Hoping it doesn't come to that though.

I love you.

AcidCat

P.S. Just a random observation. Some of the best love songs don't have the word "love" in them. Example, Elton John's "Your Song". I came up with a few today, and not explicitly saying love means you end up working harder to express your feelings so it becomes more heartfelt and less cheesy (a la "Love is all around" or "I will always love you").

Pass!

Turns out the last exam on the endocrine system (hormones) went well:

Basic & Clinical science
Mark 78%
Pass Mark 52%
Mean 67%
Range 47-82%

Personal Professional Development (Ethics and law etc.)
Mark 95%
Pass Mark 50%
Mean 61%
Range 0-100%

Community and population health (Sociology and epidemiology etc.)
Mark 70 %
Pass Mark 53%
Mean 74%
Range 35-93%

I'm particularly pleased with the basic clinical science mark as that's the one which has some relevance to one's abilities as a doctor. The other two I'm just aiming to pass.

Had a good evening of eating, drinking, and lewd merry making with the wonderful R-----, and also the fun, entertaining T----, A----, S----, C------ and S----'s friend S---. It was a good evening and I'm happy now. Have to be up very early tomorrow to go to a conference with R----- and V-- which should be fun, but as I need to be up at the crack of dawn, I'm off to bed now.

Good night!

AcidCat

Happy Eostre

Had a lovely Easter weekend. Helped my sister move house into a beautiful flat with an enormous garden. It was exhausting, but I was pleased to be able to help.

Otherwise spent the rest of the weekend with my family, and it was brilliant to see them. Spent time at the allotment getting the ground ready and just spent some good quality relaxation time - something which I rarely do.

I'm really happy. Being in love gives you a new-found outlook on life. I don't really know how to go and say hi to R-----, but I'm really looking forwards to seeing the amazing lady again. Facebook is a very dangerous thing for someone with tendencies towards stalking, but to see her status read "R----- is happy." gives me such a wonderful, warm, contented feeling.

AcidCat

May the Force be with us. Always.

Today I went to "Star Wars: A Musical Journey" with R----- at the O2. Fantastic. Anthony Daniels (C3P0 actor) narrated the evening, the music was the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra playing the John Williams score, and excerpts from the six films put on the big screen (which were well synchronised with the music). It was fantastic - even reminded me that Episodes I and II still had good bits. The music was really inspiring too, you leave thinking you can achieve anything - revolution!

However, no matter how good the actual event was - predictably the highlight of the evening was spending time with R-----. It was the most amazing evening I could remember. I did actually spend some time this evening trying to think when the last time I felt this happy, and I just couldn't remember. I felt more elated the day I passed my PhD, but for happiness, I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt like this.

For the first time, I really felt: "Hey, I think she likes me". She gave me a kiss on the cheek, we held hands and walked arm in arm and with my arm around her. We chatted about things and spoke about deep things (feelings and stuff). It was amazing.

I bought her flowers. I hope that wasn't too much too soon.

Anyway, life is amazing for me. Happy Easter to all of you! Hope you're all just as happy.

AcidCat

You just called...

(... and I want...)

...to say "I love you".

Love you R.

AcidCat

Animal magnetism

Had another amazing day today. Spent it with R-----. We went to London Zoo, which is lovely, but quite expensive. One of R-----'s friends (who works at the zoo, effectively running a dating agency for the animals) managed to get us in free and give us a lovely guided tour of the must see highlights (thanks very much H-----!) which was cool.

It was lovely to see the animals: London Zoo may not be the biggest zoo, or one with the most animals, but the animals there were clearly happy and content and very well looked after. The primates were adorable, the meerkats were extremely cute. The most beautiful thing there though was the one I came in with.

I've had such a wonderful day with her. I keep finding myself staring at her, and just thinking "I love you". I love her so much. Seeing her just makes me feel so amazingly happy. I'm confident she likes me now. I really enjoyed our journey back. I put my arm around her a few times, and I had her head against me: close enough to feel the warmth of her head on my cheek and so I could smell the scent of her hair. She touched my hand with hers.

Just remembering it again now - I feel so happy, content and relaxed. Life is so good to me right now.

AcidCat

An entrancing day

An awesome 2nd date.

I was much less nervous today. We just went out and had fun. We walked along the Thames towards Tate Modern. Saw the main installation which was really cool and interesting, looked at their second floor exhibition (included two rather dodgy films - showing some artists can be serious perverts!) and drank tea from the top floor of their cafe watching London go by.

We grabbed a quick bite from a pizza restaurant. R----- had a serious allergic reaction to the pizza despite it being labelled as being nut-free. She had run out of anti-histamines and was about to administer adrenalin. I was so relieved to find anti-histamines in my bag. I refilled the anti-histamines in my bag as soon as I got back.

We went to the hypnosis talk which was really interesting. I got chatting briefly to a clinical hypnotist who was lovely and gave us some notes and gave us her card in case we had any questions. I enjoyed the talk which showed the power of hypnosis (the speaker helped to put someone under so that they could reset a broken leg without anaesthesia!) and got some interesting lines that I thought I could add to my routines. R----- was excited by the talk and admitted to becoming a convert to hypnosis.

We had a wander together to have a look for a tattoo studio that she was thinking of getting a tattoo from. We went to have noodles for dinner and then went for a lovely walk together, wandering around Covent Garden. The atmosphere was wonderful, summoning the café culture that the 24 hour drinking was supposed to bring. A Monday evening there where people were having fun, there were families with younger children. There were buskers playing music adding to the scene, and the sky was clear and beautiful. Slightly embarrassingly, she caught me staring at her, because she is incredible.

We wandered along the Thames towards Embankment. I love central London at night time. It was so peaceful, but with the cars going past, it never got spooky. We stared out across the river and just enjoyed the calm scene.

The tube journey back was amazing. She was tired and she rested her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her, and it felt fantastic.

Our local tube station was closed at night, so we had a long walk back home. It was fun to chat and she told me some really interesting stuff about greek legends. She's so smart and knowledgeable and amazingly cool. I adore her.

I'm so excited. We've arranged to go out on Wednesday to go to London Zoo. It's going to be so much fun. I just need to keep in my head that we should just go and have fun together and forget about "dates".

I'm so happy. When we were at the end of the evening, staring out on the Thames with the moon looking down on us, I remembered thinking that I can't remember being this happy. When we had the hypnosis talk and they mentioned a "keepsake": a symbol that made you feel happy or safe - I thought of the daisy chain that she made and put on me.

Don't get carried away. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy her company. Live in now - enjoy it like it's our last moment. It's a nice ideal to dream as if it will last forever, but it's far too early for that.

:-)

AcidCat

PS. Something that amused me: when one of her flatmates texted her today, she replied that she was on a date with me. Her flatmate texted back that (unlike R-----) she wasn't at all surprised. It does suggest that R----- was slightly oblivious, as the people who could see it was easily in double figures.

Having said that, she did give me a lovely compliment saying that she didn't think that I could be interested in her. I know that sounds ambiguous written down here, but the way it was said made me know that it was truly wonderful.

Dammit. Can't get carried away.