Destiny's Child

From the excellent "Girl vs Pig" webcomic, issue 222


I've spent a lot of time today (when I should have been working) wondering why the hell I'm here at medical school. It's really hard work, and I don't think I'm a natural at it. I'm not in the lucky position of some of my friends who are desperate to become a doctor and it's their dream job. I could (probably) find work as a chemist and it would pay pretty damn well, would give me a reasonably fulfilling, challenging occupation and would scratch my itch to learn science.

I'm slightly worried that I'm the girl in the "Girl vs. Pig" comic above, bouncing from one situation to the next, not really knowing what to do. Just doing whatever takes my fancy until I get bored of it and all of the hard work goes to waste.

However, one thing I've been wondering is: am I destined to be a doctor? Not saying it would necessarily be the right decision anyway, but it made me wonder. I had been dabbling with the idea of studying medicine on and off between finishing my first degree and throughout the PhD... One inspiration was a chance meeting with one of my labmates in the computer room one day, and I saw her looking at a website about joining this course. I hadn't realised that she had an interest in it, and we had a bit of a chat about it. She said she was interested (and had clearly been looking at it more seriously than I had, as she had found out far more details), but wasn't sure whether or not to apply, and the closing date was coming up. I suggested it was a good idea to just apply and see where the pieces fell, as she had nothing to lose by just applying. She got in, took up the place and thanked me for helping her choose her pathway. She's now in her final year and is abroad in India on a placement.

The other event which was pretty pivotal was getting dumped. I was already planning on applying to do medicine by this point, but wasn't really sure about it. The med schools I had chosen to apply to were selected on the basis of allowing me be close to her... i.e. the London ones. When I got dumped, it really shook me up (you never would have guessed, the way I've been going on about it, would you?) and it left me wanting more from life. I started feeling that I had a yawning chasm in my life that could never be replaced, so it pushed me into coming to med school as a chance to do some good in the world. My thinking was that if I couldn't be happy myself, at least I could try and bring in some happiness by proxy by making other people better.

Weird thing was, if she'd dumped me before then, before the germ of the idea was sown, I don't think that I would have gone through with it. Similarly, if she hadn't dumped me, or dumped me much later, there was a fair chance I would have changed my mind and gone to do something else, maybe a research job, maybe a post-doc, just something so I could be with her.

This has made me wonder if I'm just meant to be here. On the other hand, the rational, scientific, logical, reasoning side of me wants to brain myself for being so dim. The Richard Dawkins in me is screaming at me to tell me that it's just coincidence, or just my reading significance into chance events. That's probably right, but just maybe...

To be honest, at the moment I need something to hold onto to keep me here. I feel like I'm drowning without it. So the thought that I'm meant to be here is just something I can cling to occasionally. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. I need more motivation. The opportunity to be around the amazing one occasionally is good, but it's also torture. I spent the weekend wondering if it was too much to drop in on her flat without a reason, or trying to concoct an excuse to drop in on her or her flatmates. In the end, cowardice prevailed and I haven't seen her at all. I know her influence is good on me: I never could have written this (overlong) post before her, she's managed to ease the pain, even at the distance she's at.

Let see how long I can keep going for...

AcidCat

It's gonna hurt but I have to say goodbye

Hi everybody,

I got rung up today with a friend having personal problems. It's another relationship thing. He rang me because he realised I had gone through a very similar experience.

Poor thing had been strung along by a girl, and he fell in love with her. When she told him it wasn't love, at least not reciprocated...

He's going through the same lack of sleep, unwillingless to eat or do anything. He wanted to stay in touch with her, even though she was just playing games with him (still).

What do you do, when nothing you do will do any good? I could tell the advice to steer clear fell on deaf ears. Feeling powerless is horrible.

All I have to say is: if you're going through this kind of dilemma, don't try and do it alone. Lean on your friends. They're there for you, even if your mind warps itself into believing they don't care.

Love to all, especially anyone in pain.

AcidCat

Every silver lining has a cloud

My general feelings of elation and celebration came crashing down to an abrupt end.

My brother has just gone through a painful end of relationship. It scares me to see him this hurt. I've been through it, and know there's nothing I can say to help, and very little I can do.

I hate the feeling of helplessness. I really want to help. She was never worthy of him anyway, so I'm not that sad about that, but I'm so angry.

I want to make the whole world work and be right. Instead, I'm miserable and angry that the world is broken and I'm not powerful enough to fix it.

AcidCat

So tired of being alone

Hi everybody!

Sorry for the lack of updates. Still wrestling with absence of internet connection.

Anyway, todays post is a whinge with me feeling sorry for myself.

Even though my heartbreak happened about a year and a half ago, it still hurts. I've thought about her every day since (I thought that was just a cliche until it happened to me). Time is making it less raw, and the occasional dream is helping me to deal with it (mainly by making me think about it despite my not wanting to. I believe in the healing power of dreams**). It's still knocked me sideways, and stripped out my confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes I can hide it for a bit and play the extrovert for a short while, but I've retreated into a protective shell, where things can't hurt me.

I've concentrated on getting my work life where I want it, as it's something I actually have some control over, as it relies less on other people, and more on myself. I've tried to find a career that will be satisfying and I can thrown myself into (hence my plans to start medical training) so I can cope with being alone, possibly for the rest of my life.

However, yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine from a while back. She was one of the people who really helped me through when it all went wrong two Septembers ago. We just met to catch up as I hadn't seen her for over a year, and she and I were vaguely in the area.

I had a fab time with her. Problem is, it made me realise that no matter how satisfying the career, I don't think I can be alone forever.

I really like her. She's funny, cool, kind, interesting, outgoing, special, unique, pretty and just all round amazing. Sadly, she's totally out of my league, and I'm reasonably certain not even remotely interested in me. (It's still cool to be her friend anyway). But just an afternoon of wandering around chatting, looking at art that I'm normally not the slightest bit interested in and just wasting time over coffee made me realise how much I miss that companionship with an amazing person that I can look up to.

I think until I sort out my self-esteem and confidence issues though, I don't think I'll ever find anyone at all.

And on that slightly melancholy note, good bye everybody

AcidCat


** Dreams are amazing things. When you're put through a trauma your subconscious seems to try and help you via your dream state with what you need to get better in the long run, which doesn't necessarily coincide with what you want or need in the short term. When I first got dumped and was in the lowest state in my entire life, I kept having dreams that it hadn't happened. It meant that for an hour or two every so often I was actually happy and at peace (this coincided with my insomnia, so even my subconscious couldn't keep up a facade that long). After a bit, they turned to dreams without her in them which gave me the space to start getting over it all. Recently I had one where she was in my dream, (I had met up with her for some reason), and but I knew it was over, and she kept mentioning it (despite me constantly telling her not to). I think it signalled acceptance.

What I don't think dreams are any more are signs. At first post-split, with the dreams where everything was fine, I thought (or hoped) that it was a sign that things would be fine. Apparently it's common for people post-bereavement to dream about their lost loved ones. I don't actually think it's a message from beyond or anything like that. Just treat it as a happy memory. A dream.

The One who Got Away

I know it's hard for you
To understand what I'm going through
But now I sit here to remind myself
You're always dressed to kill
And you feel like you owe it to the world
But you owe it to yourself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...
And I

I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep

Cheer up my friends all say
You're better alone anyways
But you're always on tour
And you're never home
I'm always dressed to kill
And I feel like I owe it to the world
But I owe it to myself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...
And I

I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep

Cheer up my friends all say...
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine
You're better alone anyways
And you're not here, not here
I can't dream anymore since you left
I miss you singing me to sleep
I can't wake anymore in your arms
I miss you singing me to sleep
Cheer up my friends all say...

-- Dress to Kill - New Found Glory

I still miss her.

AcidCat

Musings

I spent a little while navel gazing today, as my positive attitude is starting to irritate my labmates, so I've been thinking to try and evaluate how I'm doing.

Basically, I realised that the break up has been good for me. It's made me a stronger person, it's made me hit rock bottom, so by comparison the typical day to day problems of life seem trivial. It's made me get help for my mild depression by sending me into a deep depression, so I know more ways of coping. I now value and realise how important my friends are, and how much material things matter compared to things like love and friendship. It's given me a real drive to study medicine to do something worthwhile with my life and do something that I really want to do.

Having said that all though, if I could wave a magic wand and undo it all, I would without a moment's thought. I miss her badly and think of her every day. I don't know if I really want her back after she put me through all that misery, but I wish things were like they were. It really hurt and really screwed up my entire life.

Every time I see a happy couple together or a pretty girl (which as I think women are beautiful, happens a hell of a lot) it makes me remember how happy I was, and how lonely I am. I wonder if I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone, as I only really seem to be falling in love with people who I don't have a chance with. I think many girls are gorgeous, but I tend to only fall in love with people who I know, as it really is the personality that I fall in love with (but the beauty often does drag me in for a closer look). I don't want to settle for second best. It means if I'm fated to spend my life alone, I have to really get into medicine... I need it to make it all worthwhile.

Send me an angel to love,
I need to feel a little piece of heaven.
Send me an angel to love,
I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven.

--Garbage - My Lover's Box

I'm still waiting for my angel to arrive. I'm ready at any time.

If any of you are lucky enough to be in love, and are with your beloved, value them.

Love to you all,

AcidCat